Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were... - FML

By killmenow - 21/2/2011 01:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. They came home early, ran upstairs and knocked on the door. Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. They barge in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. FML

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Boom, headshot

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

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By Christmas sucks - 24/12/2012 01:03 - United States - Boston

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

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By kjmsit - 16/6/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

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By uhhh what? - 10/4/2012 17:47 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

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By 1D-107 - 31/7/2012 17:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML

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By erin - 4/2/2010 14:51 - France

Today, I met a guy online, and I realized the cyber sex I had with him was better than the sex I get from my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

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By Noname - 16/2/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I went in for my 2nd day working at my internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the drunk voicemails I left them on Saturday. FML

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By Amara1717 - 19/8/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

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By wtf - 1/7/2017 16:00

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By JustWashedTheseJeans - 25/10/2016 01:05

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was at an outdoor market with my family. We'd had dinner and were about to leave when 2 women stood next to our table, smoking. We called out to let them know they could have it, as we were leaving. They thought we were complaining about the smoke. They yelled at us and stormed off, while the other tables stared. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 6/3/2013 22:28 - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

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By Mogg - 18/12/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

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By BurnBabyBurn - 22/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

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By gottaflossmoreoften - 13/4/2015 15:40 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 02:02

Higher standards

Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML

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By Seanzy - 30/3/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

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By Matt L - 21/8/2020 14:07 - United States - Staten Island

Bad day

Today, I discovered a nail in the tire of my car and a nice sized crack on the screen of my phone. I didn't think the day could get worse, until on my way to fix my tire, the cherry of my cigarette fell off and burned a huge hole in my driver's seat. This was my day off. FML

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By JustAnotherTina - 2/12/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got an email. It said "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By pipefitter28 - 27/12/2012 06:46 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By ColdStones - 20/10/2014 08:50 - Norway - Bergen

Today, I was skating in the city when I slipped and fractured my arm. As I was lying in pain, a guy walked up to me, frisked my pocket and took my wallet. He then said: "It's nothing personal." FML

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By J.O.S - 17/8/2010 04:59 - Canada

Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the 90s. FML

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By workworkwork - 26/11/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 23:46 - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By Ahook1 - 23/8/2010 23:31 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By Disconnected - 16/5/2017 12:00

Today, I found out that it is possible for someone else to cancel my Internet, TV and phone services in two days. However it'll take me 5 days, after 6 hours on the phone, to get it back. FML

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By DramaticSigh - 15/8/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in. Since I was behind the counter, I asked if she needed help with anything. I've worked there for five years, and I didn't recognize my own boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2015 06:29 - United States - Du Bois

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

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By Joe - 19/10/2009 04:32 - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By Lunazel93 - 22/10/2012 04:07 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, at work as a massage therapist, I pulled down the guy's blanket slightly to massage his lower back. There were shit stains spreading from his ass crack all the way to his mid-back. When I told him, he wanted me to massage there anyway. FML

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By Kulcha - 13/2/2009 11:07 - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

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By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

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By engineerdude91 - 20/10/2010 03:01 - United States

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

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By cathugger - 16/8/2019 16:00

Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML

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By sadf4x0r - 24/2/2010 17:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

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By Meh - 18/7/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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Top comments

By gusgus36 | 5

#2106685 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:16

maybe they were so drunk they won't remember. but umm yeah..no matter what...awkward... if they bring it up just say, whaaat?? we were downstairs watching a movie. haha guess you were more drunk than you thought!

By ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#2106617 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:59

Then what happened?

COMMENTS

By TurkeyBaconLovin | 0

#2106611 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:58

if it starts "i was having sex" it shouldnt be an fml

Reply

Hanimon | 0

#2106645 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:05

*sigh* another one of those pathetic no-lifers who will never have sex

Reply

NJXD | 0

#2106656 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:09

Win ^^^

Reply

gusgus36 | 5

#2106697 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:20

yup, 2. since any scenario that starts out with sex CAN'T end badly, EVER, or have anything horrible or embarrassing happen during it. it's a law. all the other FMLs about bad things during sex were just written by whiners.

Reply

Sindy_fml | 4

#2106759 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:41

i sscond that ^^^^

Reply

TurkeyBaconLovin | 0

#2106763 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:43

im sorry i was having sex as i posted that! my ipods kinda sticky tho :/

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2106921 - Monday 21 February 2011 11:24

If it's with yourself, it doesn't count.

Reply

insanesna1l | 0

#2106984 - Monday 21 February 2011 11:55

^^
win; and at least the in laws have no qualms about what you do in their house. Take advantage of it

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2107126 - Monday 21 February 2011 13:00

15 you were probably letting your dog lick your chode

Reply

iluvmemicookies | 0

#2107269 - Monday 21 February 2011 14:24

This is why you don't have sex in mommy's and daddy's house, kids. but seriously OP I would be laughing so hard. Let's hope they were too drunk to care and not looking for a foursome.

Reply

tommyl1231 | 0

#2189226 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 14:41

thats for damn sure, sex is usually awesome no matter what.

Reply

turkeyburger | 0

#3401486 - Friday 7 October 2011 18:13

Superbowl Champions and 4-0. and the bears? oh right you have epic choke cutler and an ex cowboy who does faceplant back flips good game bro next time show some respect.

By i_love_grrr | 0

#2106613 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:58

ha you slut! lol

By ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#2106617 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:59

Then what happened?

Reply

brittyboo123 | 35

#5553224 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 11:38

If only we knew....

By atomicJ | 0

#2106652 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:08

Why would the first thing his parents do is run upstairs and knock on his door?
YOU LIAR!!!! YOU LIE!!!!!
:D

By gusgus36 | 5

#2106685 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:16

maybe they were so drunk they won't remember. but umm yeah..no matter what...awkward... if they bring it up just say, whaaat?? we were downstairs watching a movie. haha guess you were more drunk than you thought!

Reply

KylesGirl52 | 0

#2106958 - Monday 21 February 2011 11:43

This is a very good idea ^^ :)

By sweetwargasm | 0

#2106686 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:16

y can totally use that in the future

By InnocentLies | 0

#2106760 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:42

Door the lock.
:)

Reply

rockhound | 0

#2107042 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:21

A good idea this is.

By spec2662 | 0

#2106775 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:50

if they drove home drunk they have no place to pass judgement, and who gets drunk and messes with their kids I'd tell them to get lost.

Reply

joa76 | 3

#2107151 - Monday 21 February 2011 13:11

Who says they drove? Maybe friends dropped them off, or they took a taxi. All it says is they got home somehow.

By calvin10 | 0

#2106863 - Monday 21 February 2011 10:49

hey there white (?) trash family...

Reply

IdfkMyUsernamexC | 5

#3791112 - Monday 26 December 2011 23:51

No racism.

By JustinThunder | 8

#2107023 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:14

Seriously, learn to lock the door.

Reply

ctguyfml | 4

#2111328 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 15:53

You don't have to have a lock for someone to knock. Closed door = knock before entering.

Reply

wdfcrystal | 6

#2952067 - Friday 22 July 2011 16:57

The parents are drunk. You really think they'd bother to knock? ;o

Reply

daisy2101 | 7

#5128517 - Thursday 8 November 2012 21:02

A lot of houses don't have bedroom locks..