Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were... - FML

By killmenow - 21/2/2011 01:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. They came home early, ran upstairs and knocked on the door. Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. They barge in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. FML

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Oh, hai!

White line fever

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By KP - 25/6/2009 16:22 - United States

Today, while I was working a customer notified me that the men's restroom need some attention. Thinking that there was just a small mess, I walked into the restroom only to discover someone had taken a crap in the sink. Guess who got to clean it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

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By don’tletthembite - 4/5/2020 02:00

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 08:00

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

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By screwedhousemate - 28/3/2011 11:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

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By Cinderella - 9/7/2017 14:55

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By Waffle - 9/3/2011 15:47

Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 01:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

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By WTTFFFF - 9/5/2014 17:24 - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

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By Crunchy - 19/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 21:27 - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

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By sleepless - 20/6/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

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By fuglyphotographer - 23/10/2011 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 11:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2016 04:57 - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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By Infadel - 22/7/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 12:27 - United States - New York

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

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By Holland - 4/4/2019 12:00

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 20:23 - Germany

Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod Touch, and returned my aging iPod and Kindle, which she constantly steals for her own use. She considers it my Valentine's Day present. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 16:56 - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

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By Jesse - 20/3/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

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By ItalianBabyDoll - 11/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

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By Bo - 22/4/2009 13:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. The girl I'm madly in love with referred to me as her 'Gay Friend.' She refused to kiss me in Spin-the-Bottle as 'She didn't want to do anything with anyone that night'. She then made out, and slept with, my 'best friend' whom she had never met before. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 10:16 - United States

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

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By Cicie - 27/1/2017 03:06 - United States - Weatherford

Most good songs are

Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML

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By music man - 25/2/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

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By StillHurt - 19/1/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By ac-hoo - 4/2/2012 14:52 - India

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 01:33 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By always amazed - 7/3/2016 14:03 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML

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By loser weeper - 26/11/2018 21:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

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By fed up/turned off - 2/10/2013 05:47 - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

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By loveeyou. - 8/2/2010 08:00 - France

Today, I realized the only reason I watched the SuperBowl is because Justin Bieber tweeted about it. I don't even like football. I had no idea what was going on the whole game. All I knew was who I was cheering for, because Justin Bieber tweeted who he was cheering for. FML

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By mog907 - 25/7/2016 18:31 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I got fired from my first job because of the herpes on my lip. It was actually a 2nd degree burn from soup that splashed on to my lips when I was serving it but my manager doesn't believe me. FML

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By pleasestop - 11/6/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

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By Cottagecheeseha - 20/8/2012 04:03 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

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By Rachal - 30/1/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:46 - United States

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

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Top comments

By gusgus36 | 5

#2106685 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:16

maybe they were so drunk they won't remember. but umm yeah..no matter what...awkward... if they bring it up just say, whaaat?? we were downstairs watching a movie. haha guess you were more drunk than you thought!

By ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#2106617 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:59

Then what happened?

Comments

By TurkeyBaconLovin | 0

#2106611 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:58

if it starts "i was having sex" it shouldnt be an fml

Reply

Hanimon | 0

#2106645 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:05

*sigh* another one of those pathetic no-lifers who will never have sex

Reply

NJXD | 0

#2106656 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:09

Win ^^^

Reply

gusgus36 | 5

#2106697 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:20

yup, 2. since any scenario that starts out with sex CAN'T end badly, EVER, or have anything horrible or embarrassing happen during it. it's a law. all the other FMLs about bad things during sex were just written by whiners.

Reply

Sindy_fml | 4

#2106759 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:41

i sscond that ^^^^

Reply

TurkeyBaconLovin | 0

#2106763 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:43

im sorry i was having sex as i posted that! my ipods kinda sticky tho :/

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2106921 - Monday 21 February 2011 11:24

If it's with yourself, it doesn't count.

Reply

insanesna1l | 0

#2106984 - Monday 21 February 2011 11:55

^^
win; and at least the in laws have no qualms about what you do in their house. Take advantage of it

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2107126 - Monday 21 February 2011 13:00

15 you were probably letting your dog lick your chode

Reply

iluvmemicookies | 0

#2107269 - Monday 21 February 2011 14:24

This is why you don't have sex in mommy's and daddy's house, kids. but seriously OP I would be laughing so hard. Let's hope they were too drunk to care and not looking for a foursome.

Reply

tommyl1231 | 0

#2189226 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 14:41

thats for damn sure, sex is usually awesome no matter what.

Reply

turkeyburger | 0

#3401486 - Friday 7 October 2011 18:13

Superbowl Champions and 4-0. and the bears? oh right you have epic choke cutler and an ex cowboy who does faceplant back flips good game bro next time show some respect.

By i_love_grrr | 0

#2106613 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:58

ha you slut! lol

By ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#2106617 - Monday 21 February 2011 8:59

Then what happened?

Reply

brittyboo123 | 35

#5553224 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 11:38

If only we knew....

By atomicJ | 0

#2106652 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:08

Why would the first thing his parents do is run upstairs and knock on his door?
YOU LIAR!!!! YOU LIE!!!!!
:D

By gusgus36 | 5

#2106685 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:16

maybe they were so drunk they won't remember. but umm yeah..no matter what...awkward... if they bring it up just say, whaaat?? we were downstairs watching a movie. haha guess you were more drunk than you thought!

Reply

KylesGirl52 | 0

#2106958 - Monday 21 February 2011 11:43

This is a very good idea ^^ :)

By sweetwargasm | 0

#2106686 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:16

y can totally use that in the future

By InnocentLies | 0

#2106760 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:42

Door the lock.
:)

Reply

rockhound | 0

#2107042 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:21

A good idea this is.

By spec2662 | 0

#2106775 - Monday 21 February 2011 9:50

if they drove home drunk they have no place to pass judgement, and who gets drunk and messes with their kids I'd tell them to get lost.

Reply

joa76 | 3

#2107151 - Monday 21 February 2011 13:11

Who says they drove? Maybe friends dropped them off, or they took a taxi. All it says is they got home somehow.

By calvin10 | 0

#2106863 - Monday 21 February 2011 10:49

hey there white (?) trash family...

Reply

IdfkMyUsernamexC | 5

#3791112 - Monday 26 December 2011 23:51

No racism.

By JustinThunder | 8

#2107023 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:14

Seriously, learn to lock the door.

Reply

ctguyfml | 4

#2111328 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 15:53

You don't have to have a lock for someone to knock. Closed door = knock before entering.

Reply

wdfcrystal | 6

#2952067 - Friday 22 July 2011 16:57

The parents are drunk. You really think they'd bother to knock? ;o

Reply

daisy2101 | 7

#5128517 - Thursday 8 November 2012 21:02

A lot of houses don't have bedroom locks..