Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation...

By kellie1115 - United States - Rowlesburg

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Long story short

Can they do that?

By Robyn - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By Anonymous

Lee Trevi-not

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By shotdown - United States

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 14:07

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I now have been dumped by 4 serious girlfriends in the last 5 years, each of them for the same reason: Being with me would have meant dealing with my mother who, without fail, asked each of them when we planned on marrying and having kids, every single week. FML

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By Anonymous

No Chick-Hating on Easter!

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend of 13 years. He broke up with me because "Chicks can't propose, that's gay!" FML

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By Zuzubat - Canada - Edmonton

Today, a soon-to-be-ex co-worker flew into a rage when she saw she wasn't on the schedule for next week. The boss told her it's because she quit. She reminded the boss she wants to keep working part-time. My new job is inventing tasks for her to do to keep her calm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

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By uuuuugh - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because she found a lot of red lipstick on my neck. The red lipstick was from her lipstick because she came over in the middle of the night when she was really drunk, then left. She refuses to listen to me. FML

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By cpmagnusox - 17/3/2020 08:30

Sharing is caring

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

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745

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By Anonymous - United States - Pulaski

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

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By mariana - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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By Yoshi - United States

Today, I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML

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By roadkill0321 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By Aether - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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By Hmmwtf - Australia

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

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By weddingbells - United States

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

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By crazychick - Canada

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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By Evil_Egbert - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

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By badmom - United States

Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 years old to run to the store. She didnt want to but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

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By noname - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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By "jesstracy" - United States - Naperville

Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By annabellebyebye - United States

Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided to finally buy one now that I have my own apartment. It turns out I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By aaah. - Canada - Caronport

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2020 14:00

My husband's passion

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning he spent 2 hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after 5 minutes, then 5 minutes after that, he was playing with the cat again. FML

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1683

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By who wants spaghetti - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

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22777

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

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By GiantsFan13 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I went to the Giants game. During the seventh inning stretch they showed me on the jumbo-tron. It was just in time for the entire stadium to see me pull a tampon out of my purse. FML

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By FGum - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

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By omfg

Addictive

Today, I was introduced to Minecraft. I haven't blinked in 5 hours. FML

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Top comments

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4284354 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:47

OP - "So I was thinking that we should buy a new place somew..."
Boyfriend - "I really need a shit, when do you normally take a shit?"
^ am I on the right track?

By nerdflipstables | 3

#4284382 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:53

Five months from now he will be standing outside the only bathroom waiting for you to finish pooping because he forgot the time you normally go, while you remembered his poop schedule, and then you will appriciate that conversation.

COMMENTS

By Droodika | 6

#4284347 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:44

Is your future being a toilet?

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4284482 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 12:42

Interesting profile picture there, sir...

silvercamaro | 22

#4284681 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:18

I think you meant Is your future IN the toilet or GOING DOWN the toilet

emba_fml | 13

#4284723 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:36

#1...im gonna go out on a limb here and say no, probably not

domking1315 | 20

#4285058 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 16:32

Yep definately gonna be a toilet #1. Because they're secretely transformers and are just gonna change into one...

xoconnie | 8

#4286370 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:52

welllll, if you guys freely talk about crapping and what time of day.. then i think you have a bright future ahead of you 2 :) lol no joke, you're obviously comfortable with eachother!!

n23SoCalHco | 0

#4286446 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:13

Lmao

megan324 | 4

#4286521 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:39

Lol

OuchAndGoodfight | 5

#4287108 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 2:01

OP, you should leave your relationship as it is (that is), shitty.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4284354 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:47

OP - "So I was thinking that we should buy a new place somew..."
Boyfriend - "I really need a shit, when do you normally take a shit?"
^ am I on the right track?

jizzwold | 21

#4284373 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:50

I refuse to believe it happened any other way.

miserypoison | 13

#4284678 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:18

"it's all shits and giggles until I see you sleeping with another woman"

"speaking of shit, do you have any regulated schedule on chucking a doo doo?

flockz | 19

#4284813 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:22

"well first of all my mother just called, my stress has been running high lately, and i'm on my period. so why can't listen to my feeli-"

"i just dropped a bomb wanna see it? here."

SkoomaKi | 27

#4284843 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:39

67 - Is that your shit there in your picture? Cause if it is.....it's beautiful.

Haiana04 | 3

#4284878 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:51

Uh-oh, Shit just got serious. O_O

TheFinalWub | 3

#4285270 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 17:45

OP's bf is a subject changing master... i must learn

daniofnd | 0

#4285754 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:08

Okay, I've been on FML for over a year. What does OP mean?!

XoXoKaylynXoXo | 5

#4285891 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:38

It means Original Poster

kriz_allizwell | 6

#4285893 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:39

Original Posta'

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4287494 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:30

And now here come all the comments with funny jokes about what 'Op' stands for.

Obnoxious penis :)

Link5794 | 16

#4289260 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:39

"Where do you see yourself three years from now?" "Working for minimum wage at McDonald's to get through college." "2 years?" "Same." "7 minutes?" "Taking a dump."