Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation...

By kellie1115 - 10/4/2012 04:41 - United States - Rowlesburg

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

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Love

Understandable

Instadrama

Tidy your room

By ameliaruth09 - 22/1/2015 22:36 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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By Her - 5/12/2016 17:01 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 09:14 - Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

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By lancus - 7/6/2020 14:06

Patriotic ass

Today, my 6-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk, where there was a Canadian flag. She said, "Look daddy! A maple leaf! Just like on your ass!” I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag. We ran out as people burst out laughing. FML

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By showerpower - 21/1/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML

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By bananna - 29/5/2014 15:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By looking4newvenue - 23/2/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

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By ihavenothing - 18/2/2011 14:47 - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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By No Job - 1/10/2015 01:42 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 04:04 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

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By MirandaJones - 20/3/2015 14:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 13:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Control freak

Today, after over a month of planning, my friend had to cancel her first night out in over a year. Why? Because her "perfect" fiancé didn't want to, and started sulking when she tried to, so decided to put off letting her go out for a few more months. Apparently, it's my fault this happens. FML

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By Ciabatta - 20/11/2008 11:10 - France

Today, it's my one year anniversary with my husband. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress and slinky underwear, and waited for him to get home. He walked in the door and asked me with a quizzical look if I was going out tonight. FML

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By Trippy Penguin - 9/3/2011 02:23

Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML

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By Toothless - 7/10/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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By Username - 21/1/2011 03:55

Today, I now know why my next-door neighbour can't look me in the eye without smirking. He can hear every grunt, groan, fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

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By feiedbutter - 7/12/2013 14:55 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:01 - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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By ShittyKeys - 6/11/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

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By Pr unlucky - 2/10/2010 08:07 - Australia

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

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By NotASportsGuy - 6/9/2015 12:46 - United States - Long Island City

Today, I started my new job. The first thing my coworkers asked me is what football team I like. When I told them I didn't really like sports, they immediately stopped talking to me and haven't since, even when I ask them work-related questions. FML

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By sammy18f - 24/2/2015 03:46 - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By ohmygod - 20/6/2013 05:49 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 03:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

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By Lonely School Kid - 30/7/2015 22:35 - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2011 22:36 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML

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By dexter - 15/1/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

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By Kevin - 12/4/2011 19:25

Today, while at an important meeting at work, I got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket. Added to that my boss chewed me out for "never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings". FML

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By Foot In Mouth - 5/2/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 01:55 - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

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By sosad - 9/3/2011 22:08

Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

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By Brandee - 5/3/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 25/4/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my phone stopped charging. I panicked because I can't really afford to get it fixed, and it's too stressful a time at my last semester at university to not have a phone. I took it to the repair shop, and the man turned it off and on again. it works perfectly. I'm a total idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2013 22:59 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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By iswearicandrive - 17/12/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

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Top comments

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4284354 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:47

OP - "So I was thinking that we should buy a new place somew..."
Boyfriend - "I really need a shit, when do you normally take a shit?"
^ am I on the right track?

By nerdflipstables | 3

#4284382 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:53

Five months from now he will be standing outside the only bathroom waiting for you to finish pooping because he forgot the time you normally go, while you remembered his poop schedule, and then you will appriciate that conversation.

COMMENTS

By Droodika | 6

#4284347 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:44

Is your future being a toilet?

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4284482 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 12:42

Interesting profile picture there, sir...

silvercamaro | 21

#4284681 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:18

I think you meant Is your future IN the toilet or GOING DOWN the toilet

emba_fml | 13

#4284723 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:36

#1...im gonna go out on a limb here and say no, probably not

domking1315 | 20

#4285058 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 16:32

Yep definately gonna be a toilet #1. Because they're secretely transformers and are just gonna change into one...

xoconnie | 8

#4286370 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:52

welllll, if you guys freely talk about crapping and what time of day.. then i think you have a bright future ahead of you 2 :) lol no joke, you're obviously comfortable with eachother!!

n23SoCalHco | 0

#4286446 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:13

Lmao

megan324 | 4

#4286521 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:39

Lol

OuchAndGoodfight | 5

#4287108 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 2:01

OP, you should leave your relationship as it is (that is), shitty.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4284354 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:47

OP - "So I was thinking that we should buy a new place somew..."
Boyfriend - "I really need a shit, when do you normally take a shit?"
^ am I on the right track?

jizzwold | 21

#4284373 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:50

I refuse to believe it happened any other way.

miserypoison | 13

#4284678 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:18

"it's all shits and giggles until I see you sleeping with another woman"

"speaking of shit, do you have any regulated schedule on chucking a doo doo?

flockz | 19

#4284813 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:22

"well first of all my mother just called, my stress has been running high lately, and i'm on my period. so why can't listen to my feeli-"

"i just dropped a bomb wanna see it? here."

SkoomaKi | 27

#4284843 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:39

67 - Is that your shit there in your picture? Cause if it is.....it's beautiful.

Haiana04 | 3

#4284878 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:51

Uh-oh, Shit just got serious. O_O

TheFinalWub | 3

#4285270 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 17:45

OP's bf is a subject changing master... i must learn

daniofnd | 0

#4285754 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:08

Okay, I've been on FML for over a year. What does OP mean?!

XoXoKaylynXoXo | 5

#4285891 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:38

It means Original Poster

kriz_allizwell | 6

#4285893 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:39

Original Posta'

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4287494 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:30

And now here come all the comments with funny jokes about what 'Op' stands for.

Obnoxious penis :)

Link5794 | 16

#4289260 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:39

"Where do you see yourself three years from now?" "Working for minimum wage at McDonald's to get through college." "2 years?" "Same." "7 minutes?" "Taking a dump."