Love: Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation...

By kellie1115 - United States - Rowlesburg

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

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Love

Proactive

BO Central

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I joined my grandpa on his morning jog. I didn't last 15 minutes before nearly passing out from exhaustion. He came jogging back home nearly an hour later looking even better than he did when we left. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I called back a number I recently missed a call from. To my surprise, it was the number of my boyfriend's fiancé. I've been with him 4 years, he's been with her for 6. Turns out, not only is he a cheating jerk, but technically I'M the other woman. FML

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By Good tenant - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Staten Island

Today, after getting a new haircut, I decided to take a few photos. I set up my iPhone in my room and began posing. It wasn't until numerous shots later that I realized my phone had posted every picture to Facebook, and they were all over everyone's newsfeed. FML

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By fuckthat - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By voicelesspeasant

Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML

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By facepalm - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML

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By Hana - Canada - York

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and ended up sitting next to this girl who wouldn't stop sneezing. Grossed out, I asked my boyfriend if we could switch seats. After doing so, the girl immediately stopped sneezing and started flirting with him. FML

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By sigh - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

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By MeAgainDr... - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By OptMouse - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's my third day in the hospital. On Monday, my mother grounded me for not going to school because I was “milking” a sore foot. On Wednesday, we finally went to the ER and it turns out I have a very bad infection in my foot. She refuses to come to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Mountmellick

Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML

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By wetqueefa - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

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By fgs - 29/11/2020 23:01

In the zone

Today, after joking with the guy I've been talking to for 8 months about his plans for my birthday, he told me he didn't want to 'lead me on' and wants to stay friends. FML

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By Whoneedsgradschool

Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML

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By macattack - United States

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

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By ThatEndedWell - United States - Staten Island

Today, I decided to challenge the jerk jock at work to a fight, since he kept poking fun at me for being a weakling. Having started taking MMA classes, I was confident I'd make him eat his words. Just my luck, he's an MMA instructor and kicked my ass effortlessly. Not what I had planned. FML

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By Blazouta - France

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

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By mustachioed - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

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By Jay - United States

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

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By Hellau - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By mybad7 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

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By Mustanggt - 1/11/2020 14:01 - United States - Rochester

The diet plan from hell

Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML

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By Annoyed student

Today, after extensively researching how to properly use in text citations out of fear of my professor reporting me for citing my quotes incorrectly. She reported me instead for forgetting quotation marks on three of my proudly and properly cited quotes. FML

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By Joey - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

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By BARF - United States

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

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By problems - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

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By SquishFish

Big nope

Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

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By xHoho - United States - West Fargo

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML

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By jaderie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

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By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

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Top comments

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4284354 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:47

OP - "So I was thinking that we should buy a new place somew..."
Boyfriend - "I really need a shit, when do you normally take a shit?"
^ am I on the right track?

By nerdflipstables | 3

#4284382 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:53

Five months from now he will be standing outside the only bathroom waiting for you to finish pooping because he forgot the time you normally go, while you remembered his poop schedule, and then you will appriciate that conversation.

COMMENTS

By Droodika | 6

#4284347 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:44

Is your future being a toilet?

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4284482 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 12:42

Interesting profile picture there, sir...

silvercamaro | 22

#4284681 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:18

I think you meant Is your future IN the toilet or GOING DOWN the toilet

emba_fml | 13

#4284723 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:36

#1...im gonna go out on a limb here and say no, probably not

domking1315 | 20

#4285058 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 16:32

Yep definately gonna be a toilet #1. Because they're secretely transformers and are just gonna change into one...

xoconnie | 8

#4286370 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 22:52

welllll, if you guys freely talk about crapping and what time of day.. then i think you have a bright future ahead of you 2 :) lol no joke, you're obviously comfortable with eachother!!

n23SoCalHco | 0

#4286446 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:13

Lmao

megan324 | 4

#4286521 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:39

Lol

OuchAndGoodfight | 5

#4287108 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 2:01

OP, you should leave your relationship as it is (that is), shitty.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4284354 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:47

OP - "So I was thinking that we should buy a new place somew..."
Boyfriend - "I really need a shit, when do you normally take a shit?"
^ am I on the right track?

jizzwold | 21

#4284373 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:50

I refuse to believe it happened any other way.

miserypoison | 13

#4284678 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 14:18

"it's all shits and giggles until I see you sleeping with another woman"

"speaking of shit, do you have any regulated schedule on chucking a doo doo?

flockz | 19

#4284813 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:22

"well first of all my mother just called, my stress has been running high lately, and i'm on my period. so why can't listen to my feeli-"

"i just dropped a bomb wanna see it? here."

SkoomaKi | 27

#4284843 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:39

67 - Is that your shit there in your picture? Cause if it is.....it's beautiful.

Haiana04 | 3

#4284878 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 15:51

Uh-oh, Shit just got serious. O_O

TheFinalWub | 3

#4285270 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 17:45

OP's bf is a subject changing master... i must learn

daniofnd | 0

#4285754 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:08

Okay, I've been on FML for over a year. What does OP mean?!

XoXoKaylynXoXo | 5

#4285891 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:38

It means Original Poster

kriz_allizwell | 6

#4285893 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:39

Original Posta'

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4287494 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:30

And now here come all the comments with funny jokes about what 'Op' stands for.

Obnoxious penis :)

Link5794 | 18

#4289260 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:39

"Where do you see yourself three years from now?" "Working for minimum wage at McDonald's to get through college." "2 years?" "Same." "7 minutes?" "Taking a dump."