Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first... - FML

By me - 5/1/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25211

You deserved it

3704

Tweet

Share

Cold-blooded old times

Call CPS!

Not a cheating!

By homeless4Christmas - 24/12/2009 05:54 - New Zealand

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13311

You deserved it

27887

Tweet

Share

By lydiacoolness - 8/8/2009 02:27 - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53402

You deserved it

6460

Tweet

Share

By supapimpin - 25/9/2012 15:09 - United States

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37963

You deserved it

3783

Tweet

Share

By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40026

You deserved it

2912

Tweet

Share

By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41106

You deserved it

4449

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/10/2019 06:00

Looks

Today, my mom and dad were talking about how if I lost weight, I would be attractive and have guys all over me. My dad said, “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” It took me a while to realize they both think I’m ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1283

You deserved it

152

Tweet

Share

By dumped - 10/3/2011 21:42 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38352

You deserved it

4001

Tweet

Share

By 99520 - 28/7/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40271

You deserved it

7419

Tweet

Share

By Anne - 14/2/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51264

You deserved it

2351

Tweet

Share

By freakedout - 8/8/2014 14:43 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40926

You deserved it

6911

Tweet

Share

By rert - 16/7/2019 06:00

Today, after my girlfriend told her mother that she is seeing a different guy than me because her mother doesn’t approve of me, I learned that she is also seeing said guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1492

You deserved it

111

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 15:05

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25973

You deserved it

1222

Tweet

Share

By paulcorrea95 - 21/9/2019 06:07 - United States

Boozing on the job

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1659

You deserved it

131

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31855

You deserved it

6332

Tweet

Share

By magomag - 14/5/2013 04:15 - United States - Fair Lawn

Today, I learned if you type my full name in Google Images, the 3rd thing that comes up is a naked woman in ropes. Someone on Pornhub thought it was smart to comment that the girl looks just like me. She does. Now my parents think I'm a porn star, and most people at school stopped talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69843

You deserved it

5457

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 04:41 - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46605

You deserved it

6851

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19885

You deserved it

81386

Tweet

Share

By suze44 - 13/6/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44692

You deserved it

5254

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 16:55 - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6638

You deserved it

31932

Tweet

Share

By embarrassed - 3/7/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20251

You deserved it

46945

Tweet

Share

By twintowers - 4/7/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50196

You deserved it

23140

Tweet

Share

By thegirlwiththedumbassbf - 23/3/2016 22:58 - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29717

You deserved it

2176

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 04:58 - United States

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20238

You deserved it

3059

Tweet

Share

By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36389

You deserved it

2797

Tweet

Share

By hellostupid - 28/3/2013 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35846

You deserved it

4784

Tweet

Share

By unlucky neighbors - 6/12/2013 09:36 - China - Shanghai

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45181

You deserved it

3346

Tweet

Share

By Stephen - 24/3/2012 21:07 - Sweden

Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20180

You deserved it

3879

Tweet

Share

By younggrammy - 20/8/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my 14 year old daughter told me she's pregnant. I work as a public speaker for promoting celibacy and safe sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61026

You deserved it

45022

Tweet

Share

By greenchan - 25/2/2011 05:12 - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51052

You deserved it

20839

Tweet

Share

By inhaler -.- - 6/10/2013 05:20 - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52361

You deserved it

5694

Tweet

Share

By Too Many Layers - 24/10/2016 18:43 - United Kingdom - Newton Abbot

Today, I found out my landlord has bought himself a new boat. He refuses to turn up the heating to save money. I'm freezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10828

You deserved it

722

Tweet

Share

By squeltorey - 3/8/2012 19:28 - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21720

You deserved it

11083

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 00:01

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1609

You deserved it

141

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/6/2014 19:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

I agree, your life sucks

54554

You deserved it

6008

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/1/2018 18:30 - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2460

You deserved it

7109

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 10:16 - United States

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37683

You deserved it

13745

Tweet

Share

By geeb - 23/2/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9540

You deserved it

36337

Tweet

Share

By Jordid - 19/8/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62519

You deserved it

4178

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 08:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28389

You deserved it

4136

Tweet

Share

By themildthings - 21/9/2010 07:10 - Germany

Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17453

You deserved it

23886

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By g3rusz | 6

#757093 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:42

The moment was already ruined in the instant when he decided not to spit out the gum before getting intimate with you. Sorry, your BF is stupid.

By perdix | 29

#757106 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:55

He thinks that breast milk has a consistency and texture similar to chewing gum?

Your boyfriend is an idiot, and I suspect you are not very far up the food chain from him.

Comments

By razorp | 0

#757027 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:07

first , suck his dick

Reply

NamesIncognita | 15

#6470480 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 22:45

not all women like that.

By allen20 | 0

#757036 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:10

lol wow hes bad at sex

By blakehilli8 | 0

#757037 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:11

HE WAS CHEWING GUM!!!!!!

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#974448 - Monday 5 April 2010 14:36

i no i was like wtf it probably only lased like 10 seconds..

By TrollTrollTroll | 0

#757039 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:13

can i have some milk?

By MakeupBurn | 0

#757070 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:26

Wow, whatta noob. He confused his gum for milk? I'm so sorry and hopefully he redeems himself.

By g3rusz | 6

#757093 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:42

The moment was already ruined in the instant when he decided not to spit out the gum before getting intimate with you. Sorry, your BF is stupid.

Reply

mikepzz | 27

#6109094 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 5:14

Mmmhhh minty tits

By perdix | 29

#757106 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:55

He thinks that breast milk has a consistency and texture similar to chewing gum?

Your boyfriend is an idiot, and I suspect you are not very far up the food chain from him.

Reply

Zeek63 | 0

#3311287 - Monday 19 September 2011 14:27

Maybe the gum turned to liquid. If you chew for long periods of time it breaks down to a liquid and tastes really bad.

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6616956 - Saturday 28 May 2016 20:13

I chewed a piece of gum once for 7 hours without changing it and it never turned to liquid. What brands do that?

By ellawea | 0

#757126 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 21:14

chewy milk? is he a retard? it's more fun when they are smart.

By kirakira333 | 0

#757161 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 21:42

you did that the first time you got intimate with your boyfriend? how did you get him to agree to that?
it sounds like it was his first time getting intimate with anyone. lmfao

By tazz9690 | 0

#757171 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 22:07

amateur