Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first... - FML

By me - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

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Damn kids!

Thanks for all the help

Free healthcare for all

By TheFriskyBadger

Today, a customer complained that her salad had "too much lettuce." Her bowl was less than half-filled with lettuce and the rest was cheese. FML

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By LadySteveMartin - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

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By James - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

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By shescomfortablynumb - United States

Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Jaxur05 - United States

Today, I get to stand in the unemployment line for the second time in a year because my company can't pay me. My parents own the company. FML

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By mustabeendrugs - United States - Tucson

Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML

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By itisthedude - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Genova

Today, I got stuck in the elevator at work. When I was finally let out, my boss decided I shouldn't get a lunch break, because I'd already had over an hour off work while in the elevator. I had to starve through 5 more hours of work. FML

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By porkythighs - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 05:03

The other stage of grief

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing for a few weeks is freaky. At her grandad's funeral, she got so upset she had to leave the room, only to drag me into the priest's office for a quick blowjob. Apparently, death turns her on. I had oral sex at a funeral. I’m going to Hell for sure. FML

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By DontBeRude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

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By Eisenhorn - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

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By lct722 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

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By stickyservice - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, an angry customer threw her sticky toffee pudding at the wall and pointed out that because it didn't stick, it was not really a "sticky" toffee pudding, and that she'd been mislead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 17:02

I smell winter

Today, in my mom’s house, I can stay in one of two rooms: The one that's clean, tidy, quiet and has a comfortable seat… or the one that's warm. FML

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By Anonyme - Switzerland - Geneve

Today, I was trying to seduce a really good-looking girl, when all of a sudden she leaned in towards me and said, “Sorry, I’m not drunk enough to make out with you.“ FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

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By anugla - United States

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

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By lez probs - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

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By anon - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Inod - United States

Today, I finally got a Wii Fit to try and lose some weight. I came home and set it all up, only to be told that I weigh too much to actually use it. FML

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By Laura - France

Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By randa

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

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By ¬_¬ - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my dad walked in on me filming a Harlem Shake video. He stared for a moment, said "Son, I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but... nevermind." then shook his head and walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

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By Cult - United States - Glenside

Today, I found out that my favorite band logo is no longer being used by said band because of copyright issues. I have this logo tattooed on my body. FML

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By Ithoughtheywerenormalpeople - United States - Houston

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

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By raidered - United States

Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML

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By Arthur - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

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By pooped - 12/4/2020 23:00

Not all heroes…

Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML

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By RiverRunsRed

Gamers rise up

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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By wearingshorts - United States

Today, I decided to wear string panties. While in line at the mall, they became untied. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Can you hear me, Dave?

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 17 year old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished she offered me one and it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

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By Anna - United States - New York

Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML

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Top comments

By g3rusz | 6

#757093 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:42

The moment was already ruined in the instant when he decided not to spit out the gum before getting intimate with you. Sorry, your BF is stupid.

By perdix | 29

#757106 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:55

He thinks that breast milk has a consistency and texture similar to chewing gum?

Your boyfriend is an idiot, and I suspect you are not very far up the food chain from him.

COMMENTS

By razorp | 0

#757027 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:07

first , suck his dick

Reply

NamesIncognita | 15

#6470480 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 22:45

not all women like that.

By allen20 | 0

#757036 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:10

lol wow hes bad at sex

By blakehilli8 | 0

#757037 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:11

HE WAS CHEWING GUM!!!!!!

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#974448 - Monday 5 April 2010 14:36

i no i was like wtf it probably only lased like 10 seconds..

By TrollTrollTroll | 0

#757039 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:13

can i have some milk?

By MakeupBurn | 0

#757070 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:26

Wow, whatta noob. He confused his gum for milk? I'm so sorry and hopefully he redeems himself.

By g3rusz | 6

#757093 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:42

The moment was already ruined in the instant when he decided not to spit out the gum before getting intimate with you. Sorry, your BF is stupid.

Reply

mikepzz | 27

#6109094 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 5:14

Mmmhhh minty tits

By perdix | 29

#757106 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:55

He thinks that breast milk has a consistency and texture similar to chewing gum?

Your boyfriend is an idiot, and I suspect you are not very far up the food chain from him.

Reply

Zeek63 | 0

#3311287 - Monday 19 September 2011 14:27

Maybe the gum turned to liquid. If you chew for long periods of time it breaks down to a liquid and tastes really bad.

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6616956 - Saturday 28 May 2016 20:13

I chewed a piece of gum once for 7 hours without changing it and it never turned to liquid. What brands do that?

By ellawea | 0

#757126 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 21:14

chewy milk? is he a retard? it's more fun when they are smart.

By kirakira333 | 0

#757161 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 21:42

you did that the first time you got intimate with your boyfriend? how did you get him to agree to that?
it sounds like it was his first time getting intimate with anyone. lmfao

By tazz9690 | 0

#757171 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 22:07

amateur