Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first... - FML

By me - 5/1/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

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Messed up

Tense

Inspirational tale

By black hoodie - 19/5/2013 23:07 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

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By Bekah - 4/7/2011 13:24 - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

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By rahrahcakes - 19/3/2012 07:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

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By caempa - 29/12/2011 18:13 - Australia

Today, I was taking my earrings out and thought I had lost the back of one. Turns out my ear infection has caused the flesh of my ear to grow around and engulf the back of my earring and it is still stuck in there. FML

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By fmlgirl - 25/4/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, is my boyfriend and my 3 year anniversary. We decided to give each other something that we really needed. I bought him the $300 worth of books that he needed for college. He surprised me with a workout video and exercise equipment. FML

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By misunderstood - 5/9/2010 10:56 - Australia

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 14:02

Let it out

Today, I know it’s pathetic to cry after sex, so you can imagine how pathetic I feel when I cry after masturbating, because cleaning my vibrator afterwards just reminds me how long it’s been since I had a man, and how lonely I am. FML

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By imsorry - 14/1/2015 23:57 - United States - Oakland

SORRY!

Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML

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By neversayhiagain - 10/2/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

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By Dumped - 6/4/2017 14:00

Today, at work, I went to place a small item on a shelf. The shelf fell on me, trapping my hand. While lifting it, the top shelf fell against my chest and the products all dumped on my face. I then realized the shelves were only held up by zip ties. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by showing up at my work and proposing to me. It was sweet until an angry customer bitched us out for "wasting her time." FML

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By Misty3242 - 6/2/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 01:27 - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By NotEnoughBleach - 14/3/2016 03:58 - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

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By skidmark - 8/12/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

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By Fatty - 17/5/2011 02:12 - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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By broke bitch - 23/6/2015 04:15 - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By little nokken - 19/5/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, I was out driving with my dad when the car broke down. He made me get out and push. I am a 5 ft tall 90 lb girl, and the car was an SUV. FML

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By Thisismylife - 26/1/2015 06:55 - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By doctorsandnurses - 13/1/2012 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

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By Pugsley - 30/8/2019 14:02 - Australia

Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML

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By JasonX0656 - 29/1/2017 06:00 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, my fiancé asked me to do some manscaping. I got a little overzealous and now I look like a 12-year-old boy with razor burn. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - 23/11/2012 17:20 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By Fark - 27/5/2010 22:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a dream I was going the bathroom. I then woke up peeing, but I didn’t wet the bed yet. As I ran to the bathroom while half asleep and in the dark, I rammed into the wall. On my way back to bed, I tripped and accidentally slapped my fiancé in an effort to stop myself from falling over. FML

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By sarahrachel - 15/12/2015 03:30 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in the airport waiting to board, I got the sudden urge to pee, so I ran to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was about to burst. I was so focused on relieving my bladder that I failed to notice the diarrhea covering the toilet seat and the wall behind it until I was sitting in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 05:01

Friends theme music plays

Today, I realized that having the apartment bathroom next to my bedroom space isn't so great and convenient when it's occupied by my evil roommate, Fartzilla. I hear every constipated grunt, despite having music turned up. Worse, it's like living next to a poop-pourri factory. Nose bleach, anyone? FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2016 04:07 - United States - Taylors

Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 03:17 - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By damgoose - 15/6/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

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By Robyn_mori - 31/1/2020 05:00 - Canada

The difference

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML

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By shitforchris - 20/8/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2009 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

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By Embarrassed - 4/2/2011 00:28

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

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By beka - 7/1/2019 12:00

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

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By cieee - 13/2/2012 07:09 - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2014 01:03 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

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By committedandalone - 24/11/2016 14:45

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend about where we want to live when I graduate. He says he doesn't know what he wants and his mother wouldn't approve of us living together. We've been together 3 years with the understanding we would live together once I graduated my Master's. FML

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By Julie - 31/3/2009 01:43 - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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Top comments

By g3rusz | 6

#757093 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:42

The moment was already ruined in the instant when he decided not to spit out the gum before getting intimate with you. Sorry, your BF is stupid.

By perdix | 29

#757106 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:55

He thinks that breast milk has a consistency and texture similar to chewing gum?

Your boyfriend is an idiot, and I suspect you are not very far up the food chain from him.

COMMENTS

By razorp | 0

#757027 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:07

first , suck his dick

Reply

NamesIncognita | 15

#6470480 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 22:45

not all women like that.

By allen20 | 0

#757036 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:10

lol wow hes bad at sex

By blakehilli8 | 0

#757037 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:11

HE WAS CHEWING GUM!!!!!!

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#974448 - Monday 5 April 2010 14:36

i no i was like wtf it probably only lased like 10 seconds..

By TrollTrollTroll | 0

#757039 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:13

can i have some milk?

By MakeupBurn | 0

#757070 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:26

Wow, whatta noob. He confused his gum for milk? I'm so sorry and hopefully he redeems himself.

By g3rusz | 6

#757093 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:42

The moment was already ruined in the instant when he decided not to spit out the gum before getting intimate with you. Sorry, your BF is stupid.

Reply

mikepzz | 27

#6109094 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 5:14

Mmmhhh minty tits

By perdix | 29

#757106 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:55

He thinks that breast milk has a consistency and texture similar to chewing gum?

Your boyfriend is an idiot, and I suspect you are not very far up the food chain from him.

Reply

Zeek63 | 0

#3311287 - Monday 19 September 2011 14:27

Maybe the gum turned to liquid. If you chew for long periods of time it breaks down to a liquid and tastes really bad.

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6616956 - Saturday 28 May 2016 20:13

I chewed a piece of gum once for 7 hours without changing it and it never turned to liquid. What brands do that?

By ellawea | 0

#757126 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 21:14

chewy milk? is he a retard? it's more fun when they are smart.

By kirakira333 | 0

#757161 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 21:42

you did that the first time you got intimate with your boyfriend? how did you get him to agree to that?
it sounds like it was his first time getting intimate with anyone. lmfao

By tazz9690 | 0

#757171 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 22:07

amateur