Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature... - FML

By anonymous - 15/7/2013 01:07 - United States - La Pine

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

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Instadrama

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Mixology

By Anonymous - 15/10/2018 15:33

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

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By Anne - 14/2/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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By anonymous - 23/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By Oh. - 23/7/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

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By Nnn - 11/7/2019 12:00

Today, my coworker came to my desk, so I greeted him with a smile, and said, "Hello friend." He then told me that we are not friends, and that he hates when I say that. Oh, OK, sorry for trying to be nice. FML

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By facepalm - 6/6/2012 08:06 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my mother is trying to convince me to divorce my husband. He has a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder and she believes this means he kills people. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 04:00

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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By Lizzie - 6/9/2019 12:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

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By LoserOfTheYear - 9/11/2009 22:27 - United States

Today, I went to have my eyebrows waxed for the first time. After signing in the receptionist looked at me and said "Lip wax?". I told her no, my eyebrows. She sat me down and the waxer walked up, took one look at me and said "Lip wax?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Akron

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2018 05:00

Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling an egg. FML

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By Gagging - 15/6/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By Noname - 29/1/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

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By Tabeling101 - 12/12/2016 01:51

Today, I was in Walmart on a motorized cart and got stuck on a clothing rack next to a super hot guy. Panicking, I said "I just had surgery, I'm a new driver." After failing to get myself unstuck he had to pull the clothes rack and I apart. FML

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By Samantha35 - 28/1/2019 20:00

Today, I was substitute teaching a high school English class. A student discreetly told me that my zipper was open. I tried to zip up, but the zipper got caught on my underwear. When I bent down to pick up my pen, my pants split. Before I turn around, I heard the sound of phones taking pictures. FML

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By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By Incompetent - 2/5/2016 12:27 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 03:34 - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

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By bestiality, not even once - 14/6/2013 22:29 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

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By poopy pants - 8/4/2013 01:47 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

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By DrunkenShopper - 3/9/2012 05:24 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2018 19:00

Today, I got my period during my dance solo. My costume was white. FML

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By FrozenD - 12/12/2009 16:55 - Canada

Today, my furnace and all of my heating systems broke down. A fridge is 3 degrees Celsius; it is now 2 degrees Celsius in my house. I would be warmer in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

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By Traffickills - 22/4/2016 00:30 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

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By fine - 28/2/2015 05:22 - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

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By mushroomtop - 23/9/2017 23:15

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By Anon - 29/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML

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By Hahapasdroleleptit - 10/5/2011 14:56 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By CaeliLady - 13/9/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML

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By hdgyfjdzdfg - 16/4/2012 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

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By CatCreator - 11/10/2019 14:00

Making a Murderer

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

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By Zoe123 - 19/3/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By trippiex - 30/11/2019 20:00

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

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By smokeysarah94 - 4/3/2013 01:17 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

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By condom_kid - 27/7/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

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By no no no - 23/7/2017 20:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Game of Nope

Today, while watching Game of Thrones, my boyfriend remarked that he doesn't think that "sibling incest is a big deal" and doesn't "get why it's illegal." He has 2 sisters. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 02:00

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Today, one of my UNIVERSITY students submitted an incomplete assignment file to the online learning platform. I emailed him, "You will need to send me the correct file via email, as the system does not accept resubmissions." I literally got as a reply, "So, what do I need to do?" Online teaching is hell. FML

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Top comments

By hotshot0185 | 15

#5581009 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:13

What is this...... A school for ants

By xlord | 27

#5581016 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:17

Seriously, it need to be at least 2 or 3 times bigger!!!

COMMENTS

By hotshot0185 | 15

#5581009 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:13

What is this...... A school for ants

Reply

FMLbutYDI | 17

#5581011 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:14

Indeed.

Reply

\ | 28

#5581059 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:56

"Zoolander..." One of Spyro's accomplices, I believe?

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5581094 - Monday 15 July 2013 10:28

What is this, a desk for mice?

Reply

greenfishbait | 19

#5581127 - Monday 15 July 2013 10:55

At least he's thinking about the children. He realizes there's more to life than being really really ridiculously looking.

Reply

omg36 | 7

#5581349 - Monday 15 July 2013 15:45

How can you expect the children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building.

The desks have to be at least

THREE TIMES BIGGER THAN THIS.

Reply

rocketiquette | 20

#5581742 - Monday 15 July 2013 19:48

He can only redeem himself if he builds a center for children who can't read good and wanna learn to do other stuff good too.

Reply

Awesome58422599 | 19

#5891899 - Friday 21 March 2014 15:58

At least OP's boyfriend can turn left

Reply

browneyes126 | 9

#6028184 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 8:24

yessssss. ;P I love it

By lucyy123 | 14

#5581010 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:14

Run

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5581020 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:21

Don't trip over the ant tables though.

By cottoncandymango | 17

#5581014 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:17

A zoolander, indeed.

By HopelesslyCiara5 | 19

#5581015 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:17

Maybe he meant kids can use them for their dolls

Reply

mete_orito | 34

#5581741 - Monday 15 July 2013 19:48

I agree. When I read this FML I had the same thought.

By xlord | 27

#5581016 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:17

Seriously, it need to be at least 2 or 3 times bigger!!!

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#5581252 - Monday 15 July 2013 13:20

He's absolutely right!

By Aggressive | 11

#5581017 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:18

Buy him one 12 inches tall and tell him they are cute for adults.

By chanellgymnast | 17

#5581018 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:20

Is his idea of "kids" the size of an ant? Or is his brain just the size of a nut?

By bob226 | 7

#5581021 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:21

Hey maybe he just needs glasses?

Reply

kewpiesuicide | 29

#5581424 - Monday 15 July 2013 16:37

Blurry vision doesn't tend to make objects look any bigger

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5581426 - Monday 15 July 2013 16:37

I dont think glasses make kids suddenly a couple feet bigger... Or desks smaller.

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5581429 - Monday 15 July 2013 16:39

Sorry, 44 beat me to it.

By MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5581024 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:22

Does the Prime Minister of Malaysia need some added protection?! xD but seriously he probably meant that they would be good for kids to play with. I hope.

By awkwardloveannie | 28

#5581025 - Monday 15 July 2013 9:23

my little brother likes miniature things maybe he thought of kids like him?