Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to... - FML

By xxxzzzooo - 2/1/2010 17:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

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The best cat

The opposite of a good idea

Caught red-handed

By pixie - 17/2/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said "you smell really good." He turned to me and said "You don't." FML

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By Shropintz - 23/2/2011 00:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By SteveBassist - 27/3/2018 15:00

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

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By Hypocrisy - 28/9/2011 22:16 - United States

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

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By BrandonDrapeau - 3/8/2015 02:57 - United States - Sparta

Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML

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By blow away - 28/7/2014 04:36 - United States - Middletown

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

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By Matei - 12/3/2015 00:36 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after 4 years of nicely asking, I wrote an official memo to our logistics department, asking for new chairs for my subordinates. The logistics people came and concluded that there are more broken chairs than good ones, but suggested that perhaps we should all go on a diet. FML

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By Disgruntled - 16/3/2016 12:01 - United States - East Lansing

Today, my 2-year-old daughter started showing signs of understanding the potty training concept. She announced to my mother-in-law that she needed to go potty, only to be flatly told, "No, you don't." So she crapped herself. Now it's going to take forever to train her. FML

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By Awkward - 22/10/2014 00:36 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

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By arbiter3 - 4/4/2011 10:13

Today, I was watching Animal Planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece. A really cute baby bunny came on and I called her into the room, only for her to see it get killed by a Bald Eagle. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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By Dante - 30/11/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

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By mammamia - 27/4/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

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By bursteardrums - 16/8/2011 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML

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By ThatHurts - 14/11/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By guy - 30/7/2012 03:24 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

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By Username - 27/5/2011 02:39

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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By TayTay - 16/5/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a Taylor Swift concert. At the concert they put up a sign that said "Scream if you love country boys." My boyfriend took one look at it and started screaming. FML

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By rs - 30/6/2012 18:36 - Egypt

Today, after watching Hulk with my friends, we spent a good half hour discussing exactly how enlarged Bruce Banner's package would be in his Hulk state. I couldn't hide my excitement, and now my friends won't stop teasing me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2013 07:17 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was waiting inside the shelter at the bus stop when a lady came up to me and asked if I would mind if she peed. FML

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By kebaby - 19/6/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

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By avaiia - 9/8/2016 20:32 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

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By Smokey9 - 25/7/2011 15:12 - United States

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

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By dormeur - 18/1/2013 11:39 - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

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By emeraldapostle - 17/5/2019 01:59

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

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By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/9/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

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By blargh - 3/10/2013 17:39 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, at work, I was taking a woman's measurements while she held her screaming baby. To silence the infant, she whipped out her breast right there and started feeding him. Moments later, he puked breast milk all over my desk. FML

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By WorkWeirdo - 30/3/2016 20:26 - Peru - Lima

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

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By Mike - 31/10/2009 04:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

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By - 25/1/2019 20:00

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2020 20:00

Good bye!

Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and instead of talking to him I burped, and he just walked away. FML

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By Mik - 8/6/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I was bored. Some people would've called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I've spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I'm not sure what's worse, that I got really into it, or that I've spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML

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By chuffberry - 19/4/2016 13:39 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 21:36 - United States - New York

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

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By Some Guy - 12/10/2015 00:54 - United States - Allen

Today, I was babysitting a 2 year old. He was messing around with a silver fork and I told him it was dangerous. He then got mad at me and started crying and stabbed me right in my foot. Be warned, even though they're little, they can still cause a lot of pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 23:19 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

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By becca - 21/8/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

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Top comments

By xGet_Over_It | 0

#972451 - Thursday 1 April 2010 5:38

what the hell is this? 16 year olds talking about their "boyfriends" erected penis?

By wags883 | 0

#751038 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:29

my boyfriend tries that too. by the time the tips in he's hard as a rock :)

Comments

By mcal2013 | 0

#750989 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

budsmoker | 0

#769483 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 3:23

The man cant be blamed in this situation, he was obviously "unerected" for a reason...hes just a dumbass for trying to put it in.....terrible couple.

Reply

LoudAsThunder | 0

#772679 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 23:36

Your name itself is an epic win.

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1975126 - Monday 17 January 2011 2:27

it's epically stupid.

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#750993 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:10

wow..

By alisonyankee | 0

#750998 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:11

omg lol

By dangletsbang21 | 0

#751006 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:14

epic failllll

By LemonMan | 0

#751007 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:14

Lmafo

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#801197 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 3:17

how exactly do u "Lmafo"? do u "laugh my ass fucking off"?

By jayhv | 0

#751018 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Shenannigoats | 16

#4666274 - Monday 9 July 2012 3:08

Im not sure I quite understand your logic, there..

By SeeBrendenBurn | 0

#751022 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:20

Seventh, and I do that with my girlfriend all of the time. It's quite fun.

By furderer | 0

#751033 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:25

what happened after , do tell o.0

By Starfire22 | 5

#751036 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:27

I think you may need to have a heart to heart with him, asap!

By wags883 | 0

#751038 - Saturday 2 January 2010 20:29

my boyfriend tries that too. by the time the tips in he's hard as a rock :)

Reply

alicia_was_here | 3

#751748 - Sunday 3 January 2010 2:48

lol he has to have contact to get hard? does he have a problem or is he just not attracted to you? my (ex) would get hard the minute he realized whats comming(:

Reply

butterflyhearts | 0

#753520 - Monday 4 January 2010 0:26

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xGet_Over_It | 0

#972451 - Thursday 1 April 2010 5:38

what the hell is this? 16 year olds talking about their "boyfriends" erected penis?

Reply

__doge__ | 15

#6659552 - Thursday 28 July 2016 11:42

Bitch alert...