Love: Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring.... - FML

By limegreengiraffe - 01/11/2014 14:06 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 372

You deserved it 7 264

Mama's boy

Poor kid

Inappropriate

By beardedlady - 02/07/2011 06:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said "It turns him on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 956

You deserved it 5 216

Always carry around a pencil with you

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 196

By Gigi - 05/09/2012 04:29 - United States

Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 607

You deserved it 30 618

By bluten - 18/03/2009 16:42 - Canada

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 716

You deserved it 30 943

By Anonymous - 25/05/2019 12:08

Today, someone overheard my ex talking about ditching me with a year-long lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 648

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 14/03/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 438

You deserved it 8 391

By Hikara - 13/04/2009 13:44 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 165 226

You deserved it 24 317

By William Johnson - 26/12/2013 23:57 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 389

You deserved it 5 796

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 719

You deserved it 2 646

By arekusa - 23/06/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 260

You deserved it 3 467

By concusion - 23/08/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 391

You deserved it 3 256

By edhere4u2nv - 06/06/2012 18:51 - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 582

You deserved it 7 514

Thanks, I hate it!

By ugly - 14/11/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was in McDonald's with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, "Whoa, you're really pretty." No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, "Wow. He must have been drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 630

You deserved it 3 509

By AussieG75 - 21/07/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 293

You deserved it 2 524

By Clumsy - 08/09/2016 12:06 - United States - Millville

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 075

You deserved it 1 401

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 742

You deserved it 5 571

By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 487

You deserved it 4 257

By shh - 09/10/2015 07:06 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 478

You deserved it 2 753

Technique

By shiznit - 25/10/2010 19:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 527

You deserved it 4 268

By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 690

You deserved it 3 782

By #201 - 05/02/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 412

You deserved it 16 505

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 597

You deserved it 6 957

By Jill - 09/04/2011 22:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 481

You deserved it 4 345

By Too manly - 20/03/2013 04:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 457

You deserved it 4 522

By Anonymous - 22/04/2016 20:14 - United States - Charleston

Spicy

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 596

You deserved it 1 894

By Eleanor - 06/05/2019 08:00 - United States - North Grafton

Today, my freshman students got in a fist fight over a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 574

You deserved it 127

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 02:01

Today, I waved at my crush, but he waved at someone behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 70

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 112

You deserved it 2 509

By Snow - 26/12/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 259

You deserved it 2 940

By Anonymous - 21/05/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 92

By mikki bee - 30/12/2014 17:24 - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 089

You deserved it 2 511

By hdat - 11/06/2009 17:51 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 805

You deserved it 16 156

By EB - 06/11/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 060

You deserved it 2 400

By seizuregirl17 - 19/11/2013 15:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 425

You deserved it 2 867

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 12:15

Today, I almost died in the shower when I slipped and my dumbass self tried to grab the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 401

Pants on fire

By Lucille - 07/09/2019 00:01

Today, while going through my daughter’s room, I found a pair of pants with the security tag still attached. My daughter is a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 278

By Anonymous - 09/03/2017 04:00

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 095

You deserved it 568

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 144

You deserved it 8 748

By YuckyDuckyLucky - 03/06/2015 17:36 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 750

You deserved it 5 786

By Chase - 15/05/2017 18:00

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 295

You deserved it 6 286

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

There are other lime green giraffes in the sea.

Chiroptera_Man 10

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:30

"Do you like this diamond?" "I was thinking of getting moissanite instead." "YOU'RE A MONSTER. IT'S OVER!" Something like that?

Comments

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

There are other lime green giraffes in the sea.

anonykinetic 14

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:39

But...giraffes don't swim. ;-; (Well, I guess lime green ones are different)

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 1 November 2014 22:10

That's when the Fish from The Other Guys go out to eat, then develop breathing apparatuses, then start hunting for Giraffes...

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Sunday 25 September 2016 10:47

You guys couldn't have left it as it is?

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:27

what is it lately with people breaking up?

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:33

It wouldn't be much of an FML if she'd said "my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring today and he proposed in the store!"

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Saturday 1 November 2014 20:54

Holiday season, I think. Holiday stress can bring put the worst in people. Thst , and it's FML. Not too many happy ending statuses on FML, by default.

IMcPwn 12

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Sunday 2 November 2014 14:06

People have always been breaking up. You just don't read FML stories like: "My boyfriend and I are happily together. FML"

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:27

You should probably not get married

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Saturday 1 November 2014 20:07

They aren't going to get married now...

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Saturday 1 November 2014 20:18

I believe that was stated indirectly in the FML.

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Saturday 1 November 2014 21:46

Don't reproduce plz

shutupshane12 12

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Sunday 2 November 2014 13:16

Thanks for the clarification, the post didn't clarify it enough

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Sunday 2 November 2014 18:08

You know how many people "break up" just to get back together? All I was saying is if it's that easy for them to break up in the first place, they shouldn't have even thought of getting married.

anonykinetic 14

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:28

Well that's the biggest plot twist ever. :/

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Monday 3 November 2014 22:51

Oh god that had me laughing!

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:30

You must be friends with the guy who's proposal speech ended up being a breakup speech.

itwontvalidate 18

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:30

luckily it happened before you got married. splitting up is less hard than getting a divorce, I'm sorry OP.

Chiroptera_Man 10

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:30

"Do you like this diamond?" "I was thinking of getting moissanite instead." "YOU'RE A MONSTER. IT'S OVER!" Something like that?

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Saturday 1 November 2014 20:19

I think you probably have the closest guess out of anyone.

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Saturday 1 November 2014 20:43

I'm thinking she said "I want a princess cut diamond ring cause I'm a princess. " Guy: "Psssf, hahaha. You're far from Cinderella." The rest kinda writes itself.

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Sunday 2 November 2014 18:10

Yep, she probably demanded a ring that would cost him 3 years salary to buy

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:31

wasn't too late

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Saturday 1 November 2014 22:18

Or maybe you were ?

sayyestothedress 24

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:31

At least he broke up with you before you married him!

tigerisabelle 31

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:32

Well, OP, I'm sorry, but maybe it's for the best, huh? That's terrible though. Hopefully you find the right guy for you soon.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 71

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 284