Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time.... - FML

By rachiej8 - United States - Fairlee

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

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Commando

Messed up

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By blackcat37 - United States - Independence

Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML

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By unknown relationship - United States - Shorewood

Today, after working at my job for months, I quit. Why? My boss tried to convince me that we are in a secret relationship after he told me he loved me. FML

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By GeofftyGeoff

Today, my former boss, a landlord, came through on his "parting gift" to me. I thought he was joking when he said he'd send a deranged tenant of ours cross-country by bus to stay with me for a week. It wasn't a joke. Send help. FML

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By bmonehh - United States

Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

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By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Are you sure you're OK?

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

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By manda8484 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

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By

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By CWoah - Canada

Today, it was my court date for a car accident I was involved in back in July. I had spent months preparing a case to prove my innocence. I was scheduled to appear at 10:00 this morning. I woke up at 10:15AM. FML

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By plzdontclapme

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 20:02 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Insurance fraud

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML

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By atleasthelistened - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered my boyfriend listens way better in his sleep than he does when he's awake. FML

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By marge1010 - United States

Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML

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By mokki - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

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By enriquegay - United States

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By Trapped. - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By hamandegger - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

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By Blueberrypicc - United States

Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. We're both still virgins. FML

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By random - United Kingdom

Comforter

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, my husband and I moved to get closer to his job. Today he got transferred 150 miles away from where we moved to. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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By IDon't - Australia - Berkeley Vale

Today, my fiancée told me she can't marry me. Our wedding day is tomorrow and around 20 of our 180 guests attending have travelled half way around the world just for the occasion. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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By facepalm - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received my first negative feedback on my otherwise flawless eBay record. The woman who bought the item said it wasn't as delicious as she was expecting, so there must be something wrong with it. What was I selling? A new and unopened lipstick. FML

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By lice - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By j1hill33 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

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By tryingatkins - United States

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I actually said the words "yes, a blowjob from a guy is still cheating" to my husband. I never thought that would be a problem. FML

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By muffins - United States - Potomac

Today, while working my shift at the grocery store, we ran out of muffins. I'm a little overweight, and I guess that's the reason an irate customer accused me of eating all of them. FML

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By BritishDates

Today, my long-distance British boyfriend of 7 years canceled his plane ticket to visit me in the USA. He claims he "doesn't have enough money" to stay for 2 weeks. As I began canceling all the reservations, he called to say he bought a new car and a house. FML

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By thats what my ipod is for - United States

Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lyons

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By dusty

Today I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

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By PsychoSarah - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt, and my boss fired me for calling the police and "making a big deal out of it". FML

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Top comments

By Pinkfl0yd | 9

#4547763 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:29

Doesn't matter; had snacks!

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4547739 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:25

Ice Cream makes everything better.

COMMENTS

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4547739 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:25

Ice Cream makes everything better.

Reply

Dramori | 29

#4547749 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:27

What flavour of ice cream?

Reply

mango260 | 9

#4547820 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:39

It does!

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4547839 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:45

5- Rocky road..

Reply

p3mguin | 7

#4548146 - Sunday 10 June 2012 14:53

Mint chocolate chip. YAY BUDDY!

Reply

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4548231 - Sunday 10 June 2012 15:23

5 - rainbow.

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4549019 - Sunday 10 June 2012 18:44

Did you get hard or soft ice-cream?

Reply

Spicemelon | 5

#4549777 - Sunday 10 June 2012 21:49

Grown ups get wasted on ice cream

Reply

aaahhhfire21 | 0

#4550811 - Monday 11 June 2012 3:18

Hmm next time just blow him guaranteed concrete

Reply

DaBugg | 7

#4553100 - Monday 11 June 2012 18:41

shit flavor

Reply

ssbtoday | 3

#4557373 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 13:24

I guess they both got something soft and creamy that evening.

Reply

Afish955 | 3

#5086879 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:48

I wanna get chocolate wasted!

By flamegrilled123 | 3

#4547743 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:25

Ice cream > sex

Reply

bengermin | 5

#4547806 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:37

They're from Vermont, the land of Ben and Jerry's! ...I'd bet all sorts of emotions are worked out over ice cream there.

Reply

awagh666 | 14

#4548019 - Sunday 10 June 2012 13:56

The story goes that ben and jerry tried to get it on, but ended up making ice cream instead. So yeah, ice cream > sex

Reply

Dylman | 6

#4548303 - Sunday 10 June 2012 15:53

New version of that song, "birthday sex"

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4548395 - Sunday 10 June 2012 16:26

I bet OP had an orgasm in her mouth after eating that ice cream. So it a win win

Reply

Ray_of_midnight | 22

#4548905 - Sunday 10 June 2012 18:19

"Doesn't matter, had ice cream"

By alexm501 | 0

#4547745 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:27

You're a nice girl....

By ambowew | 7

#4547751 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

anoellem | 1

#4547862 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:49

Wtf?

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4547959 - Sunday 10 June 2012 13:27

I've reread this six or seven times, and it makes less and less sense...

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#4547997 - Sunday 10 June 2012 13:47

It essentially means that ops boyfriend can't get hard for women and that maybe he should try his luck with men...dont worry. I speak the language of the dumb.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4548009 - Sunday 10 June 2012 13:51

Ahh, a translator.. FML needs more of you.

Reply

Il_Maestro | 6

#4548058 - Sunday 10 June 2012 14:18

I think it is also suggesting that that different guy be her own brother. In which case I am inclined to smash my head against hard objects even more.

Reply

malters | 9

#4548167 - Sunday 10 June 2012 14:59

36- or just less stupid people

Reply

furfantasies | 0

#4548246 - Sunday 10 June 2012 15:27

What...

Reply

folfg0 | 12

#4548816 - Sunday 10 June 2012 17:56

Guys. People like #6 breed, and vote. We are fucked...........

#6. I have a question. Why.... Are you?

Reply

Shadomasta | 5

#4549638 - Sunday 10 June 2012 21:08

6- Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

By angelk12 | 6

#4547758 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:28

Bitch.

By Pinkfl0yd | 9

#4547763 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:29

Doesn't matter; had snacks!

Reply

challan | 19

#4548046 - Sunday 10 June 2012 14:13

I spit out my juice laughing.

Reply

Feared | 9

#4548275 - Sunday 10 June 2012 15:37

But I'm lactose intolerant.

Doesnt matter ; had snacks!

I just had snaaaaacks!

And it tasted so great!

Felt so gooooood, yeah...

...

Reply

reddudeover | 2

#4548464 - Sunday 10 June 2012 16:49

64 - Trying a leetle too hard, you almost come across as rabid.

Reply

Rocky007 | 15

#4549859 - Sunday 10 June 2012 22:10

Funniest comment I've seen on FML. Nicely played!

Reply

bluekid7 | 5

#4551406 - Monday 11 June 2012 7:50

Talk about soft-serve

Reply

RogueWarrior869 | 23

#4552371 - Monday 11 June 2012 15:55

This is why I wish we could favorite comments. XD
You win some internet.

By miserypoison | 13

#4547773 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:30

Erectile dysfunction.

Reply

UsernameHere234 | 13

#4548744 - Sunday 10 June 2012 17:39

No. This happened to me the first time I had sex. Both me and my partner were virgins and as such we were very nervous about it. Now though I never have a problem and me and her are VERY VERY sexual.

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4550329 - Monday 11 June 2012 1:14

How exactly does one manage to be "very sex" ?

Reply

sirpantselot | 22

#4550994 - Monday 11 June 2012 4:21

I'm stuck at "fairly sex". Need to take the next step up.

Reply

writergirl23 | 19

#4551182 - Monday 11 June 2012 5:26

Lol sometimes too much sex can do that too, found it out on our honeymoon. But it is most definitely not erectile dysfunction!

By lucianaamelia | 21

#4547787 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:33

Nearly!

By usarmywife | 19

#4547790 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:34

How old are you? Maybe he needs to see a doctor?

By yoursucklives | 36

#4547797 - Sunday 10 June 2012 12:35

my boyfriend had a hard time putting it in for the first time too. just try to be as relaxed as you can.

aaaaand your solution with the ice cream is genius.