Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started... - FML

By AudreyUs - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we out of condoms. After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. FML

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Bird's eye view

Good samaritan

Waiting for that special someone

By hipster glasses - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

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By Stevski - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

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By Omydayz - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

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By MusicLover18 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

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By musicalxtheories - 9/5/2020 08:00

Tiler, the creator

Today, my cat pooped in the shower. How did I find out? I didn't see the poop when I got in. I slipped in it, and smacked my head on the tile wall. FML

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By live2dance4ever

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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By shittyhall

Today, someone shat liquid poo in the hallway at work. Right. Outside. The bathroom. Another foot and they could have used a toilet instead of the carpeted floor. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By xpxp2002 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 20:02

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to

Today, during a deep conversation with my girlfriend of 6 months, I asked her if the guy she had cheated on me once with a few months back had a bigger “tool” than me. She said yes. So I asked, "How much bigger are we talking about?" Her response was "Probably like twice the size." FML

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By boredwithnothingtodo - Australia - Melbourne

Simple Pleasures

Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML

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By and the truth comes out - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

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By steph - United States

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

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By Kate - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

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By maidmyday - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

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By scaredshitless - United States

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

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By Starving Ultimatum - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

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By crap

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

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By chaos2007 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

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By bongoboy - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By Hahapasdroleleptit - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

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By Sola

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

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By canessadawn - United States - Portland

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

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By anon. - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Lyon

Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side containing the spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

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By boohoo - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lees Summit

Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "ha when losers send you flowers". FML

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By mareda - United Kingdom

Today, I flew to England to visit my boyfriend, who has been working there for the past three months. I went to his hotel and waited for him; he never showed up. I called one of his colleagues to ask him what was going on. He had no idea what I was talking about. FML

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By Tagged - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

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By school issues - United States

Today, I found out I'm failing school. Why am I failing? Because I work 60 hours a week. Why do I work 60 hours a week? To pay for school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, someone popped my birthday balloon at school. Her reasoning was that she "didn't want people to know we have the same birthday." Who popped it? My identical twin sister. FML

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By chloecamp - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

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By mazey93 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML

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Top comments

By Acesarcasm | 0

#17312 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:33

that's pessimistic. have a fuck in the backyard, be adventurous.

By 2random | 0

#1044 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:55

are you attached by the hip ?
why didnt just one of you go?

COMMENTS

By 2random | 0

#1044 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 11:55

are you attached by the hip ?
why didnt just one of you go?

Reply

freddyisepic | 2

#2114206 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 7:18

true

Reply

Honda288 | 2

#3912502 - Friday 20 January 2012 5:27

I think sex would be a bit awkward if they were joined at the hip. How's that for a mental picture.

Reply

Nyattack | 14

#6575663 - Thursday 7 April 2016 11:31

Maybe because they enjoy spending time together ?

By Acesarcasm | 0

#17312 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:33

that's pessimistic. have a fuck in the backyard, be adventurous.

Reply

iseyixes | 18

#5026253 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:55

Well I'd guess they're too dumb to think of that since this FML exists.

Reply

anelard | 6

#5195755 - Wednesday 28 November 2012 22:34

Or go to a hotel.

Reply

GamerFTW | 4

#5317298 - Thursday 10 January 2013 7:55

As soon as I read the FML my first thought was "backyard"!

Reply

ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5468964 - Sunday 28 April 2013 15:42

That is a great idea:)

Reply

Kain713 | 14

#5868380 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 13:20

I would have broken a window so fast....

Reply

cluch3 | 22

#6117798 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:42

hahaha 53 your pic is perfect

By emilygrace | 0

#17745 - Friday 6 March 2009 8:07

could've taken some from your parents' room?

Reply

xxpinkroczxxx | 0

#1023587 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 5:55

y would a maried couple need condums its called birthcontrol

Reply

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5276345 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:55

they're not married? that and not every girl wants the mess of cum everytime they have sex. besides, the pill is only 97% effective. meaning its 3% ineffective. The best way to avoid pregnancy is to use both.

Reply

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5276352 - Monday 24 December 2012 16:57

who says they live with their parents?

By ImAsHiGhAsAkItE | 0

#27977 - Thursday 12 March 2009 9:27

That happened to me.
Hah.
It sucks.

By lexxi_fml | 0

#50183 - Sunday 22 March 2009 17:23

But yet you brought your lap top with you, good thinking. Maybe you thought "Hmmm, if I lock my door by accident, I could always post a FML..."

Reply

jokerman7734 | 0

#2617927 - Saturday 4 June 2011 15:43

ily wanna go out?

Reply

_PurpleTortugas_ | 2

#4659432 - Saturday 7 July 2012 8:44

ever heard of a cell phone?? most people have them nowadays...and most of em have internet... .-.

Reply

awesomeamandas | 37

#7412530 - Saturday 18 February 2017 14:37

ever heard of a cell phone?

By Spy_fml | 1

#72513 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 16:49

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to slam doors?

#9- I don't think that she brought her laptop with her. If this is real she would of written it later.

Reply

bkirby | 4

#4938066 - Sunday 16 September 2012 17:38

Or used her cell phone

By fthebs | 0

#157551 - Thursday 30 April 2009 22:57

oh there are so many places. get creative.

By deannababy | 0

#196807 - Thursday 14 May 2009 2:23

shiiiiiit, break in!!

By elliekinslurvsya | 0

#256550 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:01

umm, sorry, but "family house"? this confuses me...

Reply

BadLuckTuck | 0

#428834 - Sunday 26 July 2009 0:25

Obvious incest is obvious.

By cr3stf4ll3n | 0

#386244 - Saturday 11 July 2009 3:49

I've slept in a van before (alone if you're wondering), nothing like the great outdoors.