Miscellaneous: Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little...

By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Late term

Knock off

By wobbles - United States

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

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By GonnaLockUpMySpices - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

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22848

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By why.mom

Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. FML

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3017

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131

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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26413

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2008

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got dragged along to a family dinner. Some idiot invited my douchebag vegan uncle, who spent half the night making condescending remarks and lecturing us on how disgusting it was to have steak on offer at the table. A fistfight eventually erupted, and the cops were called. FML

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By moshgra

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

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By imamonster1992 - United States

Cheers!

Today, my boyfriend got rejected by his dream college. In an effort to comfort him, I told him that he is incredibly smart and that it's their loss. He replied, "Of course you think so, you're an idiot!" FML

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By hallofail - United States - Birmingham

Today, I dressed up like a pirate, dressed my dog as a parrot and bought $30 worth of candy to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I waited by the door for 3 hours. Not one kid came. FML

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By Karen - United Kingdom

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

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By catstew - United States

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

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By carnivore - United States

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

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By LALALA3 - United States

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

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By dumbwifehappylife - United States - Woodbine

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

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42025

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By Moon_Glade

Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having a paper cut, with metal, under your nail, on all your nails. FML

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3893

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By PissOffPottermore - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML

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By Ceej - United States - Grand Haven

Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that they can hear us having sex a lot. To top it off, the elderly man said while patting his wife's arm with a smile, "Carol used to make noises like that too, back in the day." FML

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33760

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By pamcakes

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

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11354

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML

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27136

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By zl5 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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53989

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By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

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1851

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By DontGive2Fox

Today, I had my first job interview and didn’t have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn’t speak. FML

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2153

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By straightlyconfused - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

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By arsenic660 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

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42759

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By VMV - Spain - Abrera

Today, I desperately needed to pee, so I decided to confront my anxiety issues and use a public toilet. I opened the lid, only to see several huge, rancid floaters staring back at me. I had an attack, started sobbing, and pissed myself on the way home. Never again. FML

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33069

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By jlmbull - United States - Lansing

Today, I had to wait thirty minutes after closing to check out a lady who was purchasing 20 different styles of curtains. I asked what she would be doing with them all, and she replied that she would be bringing 19 of them back tomorrow, as she didn't know which would match. FML

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By NotTodaySatan - United States - Tempe

Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

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By redlips - Japan

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

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By MCRxforever - United States

Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Judgment Day

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By anonymaiacciu - France

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

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By mademoiselle meurtre - United States - Belleville

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

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32064

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By William Johnson - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

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By squirt - United States

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

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By greasyhair - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

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By armybrat - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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Top comments

By Knockyoudown | 0

#382965 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:34

LMAO, that gives such a funny visual

By boilerup | 0

#382988 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:39

Next time make a post-it dress for your person.. That would be PIMP!

COMMENTS

By Knockyoudown | 0

#382965 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:34

LMAO, that gives such a funny visual

no1askdu | 5

#383088 - Friday 10 July 2009 0:10

how do you know it wasn't a boy pen...

bexox | 0

#383216 - Friday 10 July 2009 1:00

They checked between the pen's legs.

you_know_who10 | 0

#383455 - Friday 10 July 2009 2:25

ahaha #51 that made my day

sexymessy | 0

#383461 - Friday 10 July 2009 2:26

Mine too, lol. Maybe the pen was pink!

Pink_ElePhant88 | 0

#383597 - Friday 10 July 2009 3:31

LMAO, I bet it made your boss' day too

By xiateababyx | 0

#382974 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:35

Lmao, #1..true :] YDI!

Thanks for the laugh:]

krladygator3 | 7

#3674780 - Friday 2 December 2011 21:44

First fml I laugh out loud

By Nightfallz | 0

#382977 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:37

YDI. you are there to work not fuck around

div01 | 2

#383523 - Friday 10 July 2009 2:53

Damn like you've neeever had a dull moment at work, and did something completely stupid.

I'm totally gonna try this now though.

VintageGuitarist | 0

#383908 - Friday 10 July 2009 6:24

Yeah yeah yeah... Whatever Dwight.

thatonepotguy | 10

#6557669 - Saturday 12 March 2016 21:36

#3, your profile says you moderate FMLs at work, I'm pretty sure you just fuck around too...

By quarterback | 0

#382981 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:38

HAHAH! I literally "laughed out loud" for that one. Way to go! :D

By boilerup | 0

#382988 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:39

Next time make a post-it dress for your person.. That would be PIMP!

game_over_fml | 0

#382990 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:40

OH HELL YEAH!!!!! +1

seb12992 | 0

#383078 - Friday 10 July 2009 0:08

I agree with #5!

tbbays04 | 0

#383672 - Friday 10 July 2009 4:10

i so agree with #5.
and #4:P

By deja54 | 0

#382991 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:41

One of the best FMLs I've ever read.

By russianredgirl | 0

#382992 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:41

lol i do that

By GleeIsTransient | 0

#382998 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:41

hahaha, i wanna know what your boss said!

By oulala_fml | 0

#383001 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:42

LMFAO that's cute.

By TikkleMeTorry_fml | 0

#383009 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:43

That's so cute xD

Your boss must not have been too happy though lol, I bet she laughed...or raised her eye brow

alex_vik | 0

#383055 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:58

Why do you assume the boss is a she?

bexox | 0

#383209 - Friday 10 July 2009 0:58

Why does it offend you?