Work: Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't...

By NotHungryAnymore - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

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Work

Proactive

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Surrounded

By Anonymous - France

Today, I was so bored, I sewed my name into my underwear. FML

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By Ashleigh - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

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By mybfthecrossdresser - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

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By balancestrikesagain - United States

Today, I was getting onto an airplane and happened to admire the stewardess. I was walking onto the plane and was just about to talk to her when my foot slipped into the crack between the boarding ramp and the plane. Not only did she laugh as I limped to my seat but now I have bruised nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 07:59

Zoom off

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

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By dcsunshine - United States

Today, I was excited to hear that I received three of my grad school recommendations in the mail from a very busy professor. They need to be submitted sealed, and of course, my nosy mom decided to open them. FML

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By HistoryHasEyes - 4/9/2020 23:01

That makes sense

Today, I was working in the produce department at my work. A lady came in to return some mangos. I asked her what the problem with the mangoes was. She said she didn't like the way they were talking to her. FML

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By Savviecat97

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By amy

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

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By chacha - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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By Patricia - United States

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By engineerdude91 - United States

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belmont

Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch, looking confused. He explained to me that he had attached a prom proposal note to his pet rabbit, and let it inside my house to find me. We went looking for said rabbit, and found my dog halfway through eating it. FML

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By Carlos Cervantes_1981647997

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By The Towel Molester - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

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By KiwiBlam - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

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By iailwkrb - United States

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

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By Sean - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked a coworker if she would cover for me on Easter because I want to spend it with my 3 year old daughter. She said no because she wants to spend Easter with her kids, too. She doesn't have kids. FML

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By Lucachoo - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML

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By RAHrahRAH - Canada

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

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By cydia123

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

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By kringr - United States

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Anaheim

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

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By octoberrain - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet the family. After several long moments of silence, one of my sisters burst out laughing, and asked, "Okay, who is this guy really?" FML

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By - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

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By blah - United States - Frisco

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

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By Rebecca - Canada

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

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By lostforwords - Ireland

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

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By MissTrix - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

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By cooploops - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the mall with some friends. We all kept smelling this god awful B.O. smell and had no idea where it was coming from. On the car ride home, we all figured out it was actually me. FML

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By hairdresser - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

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By whatajerk - United States - Gainesville

Today, my dad rejected my birthday present to him because it was "Made in China." FML

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By ViviMage

Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML

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By LoveStinks

Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

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Top comments

By MrScootyPuffSr | 16

#6549968 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:20

From the boss: today I was so desperate to get out of a conversation with my employee that I blatantly picked my nose in the most disgusting way possible. It didn't work. FML.

By PuppiesKisses | 15

#6549981 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:25

I'd hand her a tissue.

COMMENTS

By hamiltonma | 22

#6549966 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:20

Is your boss a four year old?!

By MrScootyPuffSr | 16

#6549968 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:20

From the boss: today I was so desperate to get out of a conversation with my employee that I blatantly picked my nose in the most disgusting way possible. It didn't work. FML.

thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6550007 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:55

This sounds like something Michael from the Office would do to Toby

aliciousness116 | 16

#6550079 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 4:05

Hahah oh yeah lol, Michael would definitely do that. :P

Delta_0DST | 12

#6550418 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 16:14

Seems legit

By _ballislyfe | 15

#6549969 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:21

Why would she think that's okay???

By TheKingOfHearts | 19

#6549972 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:21

This is the third comment.

BUT WAIT DID YOU SEE THAT?

THE THIRD COMMENT..
A TRUANGLE HAS 3 SIDES

ILLEOMEOYJI CONTIRMEAS

TheKingOfHearts | 19

#6549976 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:23

Wow, gold diggers drive me crazy.

This comment has also been moderated.

By Tejanoswhy | 19

#6549973 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:22

Tell ur boss to install a goldmine somewhere else

TheKingOfHearts | 19

#6549984 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:31

And then she'll really find gold and be in a better place then all of us. Dx

By PuppiesKisses | 15

#6549981 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:25

I'd hand her a tissue.

By TAntobella | 14

#6549990 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:36

My boss farts and burps whilst sitting next to me and talking to me. All the time.
I told him off several times but he can't be bothered. Fuck our lives, OP.

By nickie_94 | 18

#6549992 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:37

I hope she doesn't work with food

By Tripartita | 44

#6549995 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:41

Hey, she's gotta do /something/ between TEDx conferences!

idk_rose | 25

#6550343 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 14:35

this made my day

By jessamaryann | 25

#6550009 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 1:56

my boss is so comfortable with me that she talks about yeast infections and all that stuff. all because we share the same birthday.