Work: Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting... - FML

By Janet - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

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Commando

Serious times

Instadrama

By brother love - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

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By prettybich - United States

Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

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By Deconstructed - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

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By sinceresally

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only conversation I had with my mother where she didn't explode into a hissy fit was about peanut butter vs. almond butter. And even then she was starting to get mad at me. FML

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By yikes - United States

Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and forgot a bag to pick up his poop, since it's illegal to not pick it up in my town. Right as my dog started to take a dump, a cop car drove by and continued to watch me as I was forced to pick up the poop with my bare hands. FML

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By me

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

What a coinkydink

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his best friend. Who just so happened to be the guy who made my high school years a living hell. FML

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By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Unionize!

Today, my boss told me he was going to start taking money out of my pay, because his wife makes us lunch. I work for my dad, and he wants to start charging me because my mom makes me a sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

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By Carebeareatu - 13/3/2020 15:00

Keeping up appearances

Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 14:02

Projection

Today, my boyfriend said angrily that he should never have gotten together with me, that he should have known a woman with divorced parents would have daddy issues, and never be quite right in the head. His own parents are divorced by the way, and his mom is extremely overbearing. FML

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By yosmurf

Smooth.

Today, I finished taking a huge dump at the public restroom at the mall. When I got up to wipe, my wrist clipped my butt and knocked my brand new Apple Watch into the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

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By waitingformyfoodstamps - United States

Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

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By cbarr98 - United States - Orange City

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

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By why the fuck would you do that - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son broke his hand when he and his best friend had the genius idea of punching each other in the fists as hard as they could. FML

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By welp - United States - Roswell

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 16/12/2020 04:54 - United States - Midlothian

Teddy is always there for you

Today, and for the past month, I'm so lonely that I fall asleep holding my teddy bear's paw for comfort. FML

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By How

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

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By spaz - United States

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she'd started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

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By Username - Netherlands

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML

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By Poopalipa - United States

Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML

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By radiantum13

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

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By qwertyasdfghzxcv - Canada

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

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By chawlay - United States

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

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By Arachnaphobe - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

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By Pissed - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

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By

Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

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By Fuckit - United States

Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Bounced

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

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Top comments

By deadlyill | 0

#24641 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

just so you know that is illegal
for some one in power to make you do something
such as that

By drybamboo | 0

#24617 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:09

His name's Michael Scott, isn't it.

COMMENTS

By XAMezaki | 0

#24608 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:07

I personally probably wouldn't have done it. That's NASTY

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#979143 - Monday 12 April 2010 23:37

gross!!! wut a terrible boss!!!

Reply

Asstazztic | 8

#1039602 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 21:21

I would have just walked out

By tanmandown | 0

#24610 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:07

I think he's hitting on you.

By drybamboo | 0

#24617 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:09

His name's Michael Scott, isn't it.

Reply

SoccerForTheWin | 5

#3818104 - Monday 2 January 2012 5:00

Hahahahahahahaha but dwight would have already volunteered

Reply

foreverboredZ | 4

#5054515 - Thursday 18 October 2012 4:19

ahhh I love this show reference!

Reply

blueyekai | 17

#6565236 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 5:38

I won't *lye*, it probably is ;)

By deadlyill | 0

#24641 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

just so you know that is illegal
for some one in power to make you do something
such as that

By Greg101 | 0

#24644 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

I'm pretty sure your boss can't ask you to do something like that.

By ilvtaylorlautner | 0

#24646 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:15

nasty.

By hootch | 0

#24653 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:17

he can't do that.

By JuJu_fml | 0

#24655 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:19

i think i vomited a little at the thought of that.

By blackfiredudette | 0

#24670 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:23

That's just not right.

By jim_witness | 0

#24672 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:24

Tell him you have a fungal infection under your nails.