Kids: Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

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Family values

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Horsing around

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

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By Originality18 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

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By whoops - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

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By Nublet - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 17:00

The student becomes the master

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, I sneezed so hard that I re-dislocated my shoulder. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Chandler?

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

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By StillDrowsy - United States

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 15 year old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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By colorfulgina - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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By bunnylover - Canada

Today, my dad and I were in the car when a rabbit scurried across the road, just missing us. My dad turned and said to me, "Well, it's good we didn't hit him. He gets to live another day." I then looked in the rear view mirror to see the rabbit running away from the cross traffic, only to be hit by the car behind us. FML

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By paige - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By Mika_Ookami - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

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By DetergentFrog6 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

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By MT - Finland

Today, I spent hours crafting a tiara to look like the princess from my boyfriend's favourite game series, Zelda. I sent him a picture of me wearing it, and got the reply: "Sure, that's nice, but you'd be better as Majora." FML

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By go fish

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 10:07

Tell, don't show

Today, while masturbating, I got a huge migraine so I went into the kitchen to get an Advil. As I was getting it, my family was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. I walked out and realized that I hadn't put my pants back on. I just walked downstairs fully torqued in front of my family. FML

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By crap

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

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By yummy(: - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML

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By w_t_f - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

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By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

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By Lifetime Presents: - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married. His "crazy ex-wife" is not all that crazy, and is still his wife. FML

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By notyouraverageteenager - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive dress because it was me and my boyfriend's one year anniversary, and he was taking me somewhere nice. When he saw me in the dress, he looked at me, laughed and said, "Seriously, what are you wearing?" FML

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By BaldingQuick - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

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By what the fuck - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend borrowed my Jane Norman dress to wear to a Halloween party. He got hammered, threw up all over it, and fell unconscious on the shower floor. FML

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By romantic84 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

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By TiredHomeowner

Today, I realised just how skewed my reality is when I was pleasantly surprised that teenagers threw eggs at my windows. They usually throw rocks. FML

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By fucking fratricidal - Canada - Bedford

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told the guy I've liked since we were children that I'm madly in love with him. He replied with, "Aw, I love you too, as a sister." I was speechless. He patted me on the back and said, "Better luck next time." FML

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By strangebeans - United States

Today, my parents informed that the man I am going to marry made the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML

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By whaaaaat111 - United States - Vienna

Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got my paycheck from working at my minimum wage job for the last three months. I was delighted when I saw it was worth $846. On my way to cash it, I destroyed my car's suspension. It's going to cost almost $800 to fix. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

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Top comments

By greysgal15 | 0

#162755 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

Hahaha that's classic!! She still loves you just in her 6 year old mind she prob doesn't realize what dying really means quiet yet

By Luckster | 0

#162753 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:19

Ouch..just ouch....even for a 6 year old saying that, that has to hurt...

COMMENTS

By twilighter_644 | 0

#162745 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:18

aw, she loves u guys

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1192041 - Thursday 5 August 2010 5:45

lol

Reply

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1250980 - Monday 16 August 2010 8:59

Aren't people so caring at a young age?

Also, lights out.
I hear a WITCH. :O

Reply

MrsRonaldo | 18

#4188070 - Monday 19 March 2012 23:19

Uncle Ant
haha anyone else notice?

Reply

zebraumicornz | 6

#5078394 - Thursday 25 October 2012 2:38

Does your sweatshirt taste good?

By AnneFTW | 17

#162747 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:18

Hahaha I just love kids XD

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1042861 - Friday 25 June 2010 12:44

wow... do I know u from somwhere anne? where do u live?

Reply

kaprookie | 3

#1474657 - Thursday 30 September 2010 1:05

#210 your a fucking creep as if she's gonna answer that

Reply

LosAngelesGalaxy | 7

#5499162 - Monday 20 May 2013 6:01

That's pretty creepy

By O_fml | 0

#162750 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:19

scary...

By Luckster | 0

#162753 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:19

Ouch..just ouch....even for a 6 year old saying that, that has to hurt...

By greysgal15 | 0

#162755 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

Hahaha that's classic!! She still loves you just in her 6 year old mind she prob doesn't realize what dying really means quiet yet

Reply

toxicxflower | 0

#990768 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 7:53

yeah that's true. when I was 6, my concern was finding waldo.

Reply

dragonstrike94 | 8

#3449778 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 13:00

Dude I'm still trying to catch that guy

Reply

lollovelife0304 | 3

#5043540 - Monday 15 October 2012 2:28

Quite**

Reply

Beeboopbeep | 9

#6634607 - Thursday 23 June 2016 7:07

Thank you #238. I had no idea what she was trying to say in her last sentence, this really helped.

By adrenochrome_fml | 0

#162756 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

ohh wow. That's gotta hurt

By Fredzter | 0

#162760 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

If I were you I'd sleep with my eyes open xD

Kids are awesome!! :D

By RhapsodyEternal | 0

#162762 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:21

Wow, that's impressive.

The makings of a sociopath... Haha, just kidding ... *coughcough* :/

By Demon_Squirtle | 0

#162763 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:21

Wow she sounds spoiled already. Work on that.

By ArtsySwag | 0

#162766 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:21

Lol. Wow. Kids say the darndest things.