Kids: Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

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Out of it

Coherence dude, do you have it?

How not to raise 'em right

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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By love_letter - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a over a year broke up with me. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't written him a long letter about how much I love him, and that I'm so glad we're together and so glad that he promised he would always be there. He'll be getting it in a few days. FML

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By Danou - France

Today, I was waiting for the bus while wearing my FML shirt. A passer-by stopped, stared at me for a moment, and said, "I agree, your life sucks." FML

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By halitosis - United States - Compton

Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML

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By hippie88 - United States - New York

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Today, I figured out why I've used triple the amount of cellphone minutes than I usually do over the past month since moving out. Is it because I suddenly have a social life now that I'm living on my own? No. All those calls were made to my mom because I'm lonely. FML

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By Ain't going nowhere - United States - Chicago

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

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By FastFlight - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

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By belly the jelly

A job well done.

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

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By SickSmick - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By knuckleheadknock

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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By NO NO NO - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

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By Anonymous

Underestimated overachiever

Today, I told my cousin I was admitted to a top MBA program. He asked if it was an online-only certificate program. FML

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By whoops - United States - Spring Hill

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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By yggiz - United States

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

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By goodeyesight - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was participating in an exercise in my psychology class to describe this horrible looking person I had never seen before and I described the person as a "rebellious, drug dealing, lowlife". The person in that picture turned out to be my teacher. FML

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By YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THE CUSTOMER - United States - Sherwood

Today, at work, a woman came up to the snack bar and ordered a pretzel with no salt. When I served her the food, she angrily complained about it having no salt, followed by her throwing the whole thing in my face. FML

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By SymmetricalPizzaFace - United States - Westminster

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

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By ItchyGirl - Australia - Geelong

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

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By LucyLollipop

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By illusia - 5/4/2021 16:58

It's complicated

Today, I was screamed at for not doing the dishes because I was exhausted. Last year, when my arm was broken, I did all my chores without complaint. I don’t know how to explain to my parents that I’d much, much rather work with a broken arm than while tired. FML

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By dmachin - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

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By Peter Parker - United States - Redlands

Loofah

Today, after a few days of getting what seemed like an odd, scattered rash every time I showered, I finally figured out the problem. It turns out I wasn't just allergic to all the different soap I tried. Apparently a family of very angry spiders have decided to make my loofah their new home. FML

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By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

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By doodoobref - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, my parents sent me to the hospital because they thought I had diabetes. One of the symptoms is that you a pee a lot. The only reason I go to the bathroom so often is so I can masturbate. FML

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By OMFG I LOVE MLP - Germany - Mainz

Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML

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By lanz4949 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buena Park

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

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By Nikki - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

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By awkward23 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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By nevergoingtopeeagain - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

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By Ace - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, this guy I was seeing dumped me for "bombarding" him with text messages. I'd sent him one text asking if he was okay, after he stood me up 2 nights in a row. FML

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By Ca13b - United States

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

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By re2K5 - Korea Republic of

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML

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By Lvdkinda - United States

Dammit

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

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Top comments

By greysgal15 | 0

#162755 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

Hahaha that's classic!! She still loves you just in her 6 year old mind she prob doesn't realize what dying really means quiet yet

By Luckster | 0

#162753 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:19

Ouch..just ouch....even for a 6 year old saying that, that has to hurt...

COMMENTS

By twilighter_644 | 0

#162745 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:18

aw, she loves u guys

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1192041 - Thursday 5 August 2010 5:45

lol

Reply

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1250980 - Monday 16 August 2010 8:59

Aren't people so caring at a young age?

Also, lights out.
I hear a WITCH. :O

Reply

MrsRonaldo | 18

#4188070 - Monday 19 March 2012 23:19

Uncle Ant
haha anyone else notice?

Reply

zebraumicornz | 6

#5078394 - Thursday 25 October 2012 2:38

Does your sweatshirt taste good?

By AnneFTW | 17

#162747 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:18

Hahaha I just love kids XD

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1042861 - Friday 25 June 2010 12:44

wow... do I know u from somwhere anne? where do u live?

Reply

kaprookie | 3

#1474657 - Thursday 30 September 2010 1:05

#210 your a fucking creep as if she's gonna answer that

Reply

LosAngelesGalaxy | 7

#5499162 - Monday 20 May 2013 6:01

That's pretty creepy

By O_fml | 0

#162750 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:19

scary...

By Luckster | 0

#162753 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:19

Ouch..just ouch....even for a 6 year old saying that, that has to hurt...

By greysgal15 | 0

#162755 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

Hahaha that's classic!! She still loves you just in her 6 year old mind she prob doesn't realize what dying really means quiet yet

Reply

toxicxflower | 0

#990768 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 7:53

yeah that's true. when I was 6, my concern was finding waldo.

Reply

dragonstrike94 | 8

#3449778 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 13:00

Dude I'm still trying to catch that guy

Reply

lollovelife0304 | 3

#5043540 - Monday 15 October 2012 2:28

Quite**

Reply

Beeboopbeep | 9

#6634607 - Thursday 23 June 2016 7:07

Thank you #238. I had no idea what she was trying to say in her last sentence, this really helped.

By adrenochrome_fml | 0

#162756 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

ohh wow. That's gotta hurt

By Fredzter | 0

#162760 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:20

If I were you I'd sleep with my eyes open xD

Kids are awesome!! :D

By RhapsodyEternal | 0

#162762 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:21

Wow, that's impressive.

The makings of a sociopath... Haha, just kidding ... *coughcough* :/

By Demon_Squirtle | 0

#162763 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:21

Wow she sounds spoiled already. Work on that.

By ArtsySwag | 0

#162766 - Saturday 2 May 2009 21:21

Lol. Wow. Kids say the darndest things.