Transportation: Today, my 20 year-old son decided it would be funny to unbuckle... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175

You deserved it 1 507

30/07/2010 23:23

Today, my 20 year-old son decided it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 364

You deserved it 4 105

You tried

Our house, in the middle of our street

OCD

03/08/2015 05:31

Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 526

You deserved it 2 429

09/08/2017 16:30

Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 856

You deserved it 247

20/07/2014 23:57

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 031

You deserved it 3 372

30/08/2009 06:29

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 044

You deserved it 64 706

26/08/2009 04:29

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 415

You deserved it 17 645

02/04/2013 07:24

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 322

You deserved it 3 980

19/01/2011 03:08

Spicy

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 010

You deserved it 5 407

20/10/2016 19:07

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 367

You deserved it 772

01/04/2011 02:23

Today, I was trying to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom. Since I couldn't reach it by myself, I grabbed and stood on a chair. After I got two broken bones, and had stitches in my forehead, I figured that using a chair with wheels probably wasn't the best idea after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 097

You deserved it 75 408

03/01/2011 11:37

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 445

You deserved it 3 071

12/12/2011 01:16

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 465

You deserved it 3 426

12/01/2017 14:00

Today, I was enjoying my first vacation day in 2 years. My boss then called me to come in, saying it was an emergency. I got to work and got fired. Yes, my boss made me come in just to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 759

You deserved it 592

04/03/2019 06:00

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 890

You deserved it 174

14/02/2017 04:53

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 077

You deserved it 626

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 17:02

Spicy

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 175

04/06/2013 07:11

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 258

You deserved it 6 132

13/02/2018 01:30

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 625

You deserved it 650

Close shave

By Elisabeth - 16/08/2020 17:01

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 1 397

09/07/2009 19:17

Today, my boss requested that I re-organize every file in the office, because she wanted the filing cabinets alphabetized right to left, not left to right. To thank me, she came into my office to give me one uncooked ear of corn. I think my boss has mistaken me for some kind of farm animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 517

You deserved it 3 674

20/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 639

You deserved it 674

22/03/2012 06:17

Today, my company announced a new name. They also announced new coffee mugs with the name on them. They've not announced raises in over 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 422

You deserved it 2 311

Subjective

By whyyyyy - 17/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, after months of dating, I finally saw my boyfriend naked. Turns out he has a micropenis. I assured him that I like him for who he was and that we could explore other things. He said no, because oral and sex toys are "immoral." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 924

You deserved it 296

03/06/2016 19:46

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 576

You deserved it 1 930

Great input, dad

By shamed - 31/08/2021 12:24

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 716

You deserved it 3 391

28/08/2013 16:11

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 599

You deserved it 10 388

08/11/2009 05:28

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 215

You deserved it 3 783

09/07/2017 14:55

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 861

You deserved it 2 313

31/08/2012 01:08

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got a new tattoo. It was a big tattoo of Pikachu on his hip. I told him now I'd feel like I was having sex with an 8-year-old boy. His defense? "No, no, think of it as having sex with Pikachu!" He still refuses to understand why that's weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 157

You deserved it 5 689

Choking over here

By JD. - 13/04/2021 00:30

Today, I made the horrible mistake of leaving my car windows cracked while at work. Not only is the exterior yellow due to the pollen, but so is the interior. I'm not allergic, but you can feel the pollen in the back of your throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 232

23/08/2019 20:00

Today, I signed into the Netflix account that I pay for, only to see that my ex had added a new profile for his new girlfriend. We’ve only been separated for two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 871

You deserved it 286

12/12/2010 07:17

Today, while parked at school, someone broke into my car by smashing the window. I called the police and they informed me I could drive it to the local station as it was an easy 2 minute drive. As I was driving there, I got pulled over for driving with a smashed window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 005

You deserved it 2 589

21/05/2015 12:22

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 209

You deserved it 11 462

21/04/2019 12:00

Today, after seeing my cat struggle to use the litterbox and produce nothing for two days, I caved and took him to the emergency vet, fearing a UTI. It wasn't. $200 and 2 Lyft rides later, he's stoned out of his mind and peeing just fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 750

You deserved it 307

More money, more problems

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 04:01

Today, my girlfriend of several years broke up with me because of my lack of ability to contribute financially to the life that she envisioned for herself, due to my significant contributions in child support to my ex. She wants a more equal partner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 433

06/06/2009 06:48

Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 134

You deserved it 22 985

19/03/2019 06:00

Today, after a 3-month dry spell because I am recovering after having a baby, I was finally in the mood to get intimate with my husband. Foreplay was great, the sex was great until my back gave out right as I was about to cum. I can't move without intense pain. I just wanted to orgasm! FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 488

You deserved it 213

10/01/2010 21:47

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 393

You deserved it 3 065

What are you doing?

By StopMe - 20/05/2019 12:00

Today, I went to a hobby lobby with the director of the play my daughter is in. He leaned in to grab a bottle of blue paint, and I mistook it for a hug. When he looked perplexed, I hugged him again, this time jumping in celebration of finding the blue paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 505

25/03/2018 19:00

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 826

You deserved it 1 424

Alexa, play "Jobseeker" by Sleaford Mods

By Anonymous - 22/09/2021 15:59

Today, I had a mandatory online meeting with a special work program early in the morning. Despite having insomnia for the past three weeks, I got up on time. No one has emailed me a meeting link, and no replies either. Now, I'm afraid I will lose what little "benefit" the government throws my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 78

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:27

If he drives, report the car as stolen next time he takes it =D

Jessi_the_sexii 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:29

that's when u tell the cops he kidnaped u and ur a hostage

Comments

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:25

Sounds like you need faster reflexes.

SeeBrendenBurn 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:30

Today, I realized I still keep in contact, and even drive around with, my 20 year old son. FML

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:30

Cool story, bro.

MyChemical_fml 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:35

It's funny cuz you got a ticket for having an immature 20 year old son.. hah stole Lego's line :D

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:37

I did not get a ticket and I do not have a 20 year old son.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:40

old man. BEAT. HIS. ASS. do it with a sack of oranges. it wont leave bruise and it lets them know whos boss

Themistocles_fml 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:40

Make him pay for the ticket.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:42

There is no old man in this FML.

SeeBrendenBurn 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:58

Freeze, I know you are the center of attention in your autistic and narcissistic mind, but we weren't talking to you, and if this is a facetious attempt at humor, it needs work.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:59

My bad, I thought you retards knew what the definition of "reply" meant. Mistake on my part, of course.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 10:03

lol! calm down people!

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Saturday 31 July 2010 10:13

#33, Autistic? Really? Man, if you're desperate for an insult but want to sound original and witty, pull out a thesaurus. Look up "idiot" and go from there. Or you could always shut the fuck up and learn what the REPLY button is meant for.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 10:21

On mine it says "threadjack," not "reply." Anyway, that's a very fun thing to randomly decide to do.

megamandude455 10

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Saturday 31 July 2010 10:21

go intoxicunt. and btw #33 why DONT you shut the fuck up? I'M autistic. and thanks cause you just hurt my feelings!! na not really. but I am autistic, and I do feel insulted. so next time you decide to STICK YOUR GODDAMN FOOT IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, *THINK* ABOUT WHO READS THESE COMMENTS!!

legonut4wannabe 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 11:30

it's funny because you hangout with your 20 year old son, and he made you get a ticket.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 12:05

in Soviet Russia, seat buckle you!

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Saturday 31 July 2010 12:13

#33 I'm surprised your comment didn't mysteriously dissapear.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 12:21

it's funny because he took off your seatbelt so you got a ticket for mo reason

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Saturday 31 July 2010 12:31

#1, you have a really cute dog :3

ztate 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 15:29

hahaha I love freeze

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Saturday 31 July 2010 16:04

ahahahaa good one XD

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Saturday 31 July 2010 17:19

We only care because he called Freeze some fucked up names just for sardonically implying people should use the reply feature properly or at least make it obvious who they are and aren't addressing.

soonersbaby21 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 18:13

freeze, I think you're awesome. don't listen to 33. he's just a dumbass looking for attention because he has nothing better to do with his life.

xxgallardolp560 5

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Saturday 31 July 2010 18:17

What are the chances that the OP made a typo and meant to write "2 year old son"?

rene22 18

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Saturday 31 July 2010 19:33

Freeze ftw

SeeBrendenBurn 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 19:45

All of you sensitive little bunnies have successfully been trolled. And #46, you really hurt my feelings. Thanks for reminding me that I don't have any feet to shove in my nonexistent mouth. ):

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Saturday 31 July 2010 19:54

Sorry, that wasn't trolling. Good try, though.

SeeBrendenBurn 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 20:23

As defined by Urban Dictionary, I have been.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 20:37

A troll doesn't reveal that he was trolling. Sorry you got your ass verbally kicked, but you're not going to land on that excuse.

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Sunday 1 August 2010 8:45

ydi for having a son

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Sunday 1 August 2010 12:35

Reply: a statement or acknowledgment made in response in what way does your comment (or most of these or mine for that matter) relate to #1?

lovelydefiance89 0

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Sunday 1 August 2010 13:26

77, that's what I was thinking. It would be funny either way. :)

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Thursday 17 November 2011 14:35

Struck asshole

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:26

That is funny :D

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Monday 20 August 2012 8:17

Not.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:27

If he drives, report the car as stolen next time he takes it =D

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Saturday 31 July 2010 10:03

completely agree broseph =]

Jessi_the_sexii 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:29

that's when u tell the cops he kidnaped u and ur a hostage

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:58

^^WIN! :D

Jessi_the_sexii 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 10:02

thats wut i would do haha just sayin

scarletscribblez 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:29

Hahaha ur son is sooo smart :P

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:34

I would love 2 meet him!(:

Jessicaa96145 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:37

I'm sorry, but your sons a win xD should have made him pay half the ticket though, not all. You helped make him after all :)

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:46

im pretty the husband did too;)

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:38

Smart son. Is his name Einstein?

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:39

agree with # ten:)

peter_saurusREX 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:40

Slap him in the face with a piece of ham lol

SirWhatsHisFace 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:49

The son could be a vegetarian, in which case he could slap him in the face with a piece of broccoli.

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Saturday 31 July 2010 10:02

uhhmmm he could be slapped wit ham and be a veggietarian but brocoli stinks and gives u gas. its gross

SirWhatsHisFace 0

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:40

No I bet Jesus came down and unbuckled your seatbelt.

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Tuesday 17 August 2010 6:20

lol