Kids: Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought...

By WalkingTalkingCarrot - 27/06/2011 02:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 939

You deserved it 5 098

Kids

Triage

Wakey wakey

All over

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

By frogface_fml - 20/05/2020 05:00

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 471

You deserved it 187

By CB4 - 05/02/2009 22:34 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 553

You deserved it 2 426

By Noname - 19/01/2009 10:26 - Canada

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 129

You deserved it 9 954

By spinster - 16/09/2015 02:10 - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 285

You deserved it 3 883

Gross and weird

By Porkchop - 14/11/2021 23:00

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that it’s weird to defecate into your hand and throw it from the shower into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 454

You deserved it 97

By Whyudodis - 01/10/2016 07:18 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, while on the skytrain, a woman leaned on the railing bar that I was holding onto, crushing my hand. My first instinct was to move my hand when she turned around and began loudly yelling at me for, "Touching her waist" and "Sexually harassing" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 567

You deserved it 880

By seriously - 05/03/2013 00:43 - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 020

You deserved it 18 466

By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 12:00

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 368

You deserved it 338

By pong - 06/08/2013 21:59 - France - Toulouse

Today, I asked my surgeon if I would be having a general or local anesthetic at my upcoming operation. He replied, "General, of course! It's gonna be a slaughterhouse in there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 911

You deserved it 4 047

By wsumt - 29/01/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man kept walking by and turning around. I then asked him "WHAT are you LOOKING for!". It was a blind man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 868

You deserved it 30 354

By Nebraskawreck - 22/11/2018 13:30

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 559

You deserved it 367

By lumacsp - 08/10/2009 12:22 - United States

Today, I stopped at the light when someone crashed on to my motorcycle making me fall. The guy claimed it was my fault because I stopped too fast. I got really mad, so I attempted to spit on his face and was ready to start a fight when I noticed that I forgot to lift the helmet shield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 264

You deserved it 52 295

By Anonymous - 12/11/2013 23:56 - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 225

You deserved it 3 256

By nowbrokevaper - 19/11/2016 18:47 - United States - Pomona

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 315

You deserved it 777

By HDCkid - 05/04/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 549

You deserved it 62 840

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 805

You deserved it 2 768

By wasted_life - 18/01/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I got demoted at my job. Instead of working with patients, they want me to file. The thing is, I'm a volunteer; I work for them for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 976

You deserved it 3 729

By Deadpool - 16/07/2019 21:11 - United States - Weaverville

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 124

You deserved it 170

By RickTheBoy - 10/07/2013 12:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 402

You deserved it 50 077

By Jenny - 09/02/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, for our 8 month anniversary, my boyfriend bought me a hideous necklace with ugly charms hanging off it. I wore it anyway and got a rash from it on the side of my neck. After seeing the rash my boyfriend accused me of having a hickey from another guy and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 269

You deserved it 4 811

By goldenpuppy - 19/05/2016 20:54 - United States - Somerville

Today, I was sitting on my couch when I felt something weird underneath me. I got up, thinking I'd sat on my phone or something. Wrong. I'd sat on a live mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 066

You deserved it 1 052

Rebel without a cause.

By wowie - 21/10/2019 20:00

Today, my ex threatened to not return my things that she still has. She even went on to say she will burn them, because she hates me and I "broke her heart". Not only has it been over half a year since we broke up, but she was the one who broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 11:33 - Germany

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 903

You deserved it 2 344

By mylifereallyISeffed - 22/07/2009 10:43 - Australia

Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 297

You deserved it 4 029

Big lad

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 20:01

Today, I admit I’m a bit of a big lad, but I never knew how big until I was desperate for a shit so I sat on, and broke, a toilet, flooding the bathroom, at my girlfriend's parents house, the very first time I met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 212

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 14:31 - Denmark

Today, at a party a fly flew into my mouth. I spit it out, and in an effort to wash out my mouth I grabbed the can of coke that was on the table next to me. Apparently people had been spitting in there and using it as an ashtray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 641

You deserved it 9 773

By MgmEboy - 19/09/2009 21:36 - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 294

You deserved it 268 507

By bluewatersify - 18/01/2010 14:23 - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 131

You deserved it 2 212

By Anonymous - 04/01/2015 16:58 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 599

You deserved it 3 649

Nice to know

By justin bieber's nutsack - 06/06/2015 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said, "Never take a shit in this place. Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 176

You deserved it 2 777

By Why - 03/09/2015 19:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 885

You deserved it 1 836

By stillavirgin - 03/01/2010 07:41 - Canada

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 137

You deserved it 5 904

By Anonyme - 26/09/2014 06:56 - France - Saint-di

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 820

You deserved it 6 118

By Anonymous - 24/02/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 723

You deserved it 10 841

By Anonymous. - 31/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, the guy I've been texting told me he loved me and he couldn't wait to make me his wife, and he couldn't wait for us to have kids and grow old together. I've only known him for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 543

You deserved it 5 006

That's a new one!

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 23:01

Today, I found out that the guy I was talking to for over a year, who told me he was dying from Covid, is perfectly fine and he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 107

Treat your pets properly!

By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 19:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 155

By Witos - 10/04/2013 06:54 - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom started fundraising and selling things on ebay. At first I was happy because I thought she was finally going to help me pay my college tuition. Turns out she's planning on raising money to get our dog a new friend because she's "lonely". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 485

You deserved it 5 258

Thanks Dad

By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 14:01

Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 476

You deserved it 161

By barman - 17/07/2010 20:51 - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 660

You deserved it 5 322

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Top comments

Spaghetti7 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:56

Be popular today: Get the Dorito look!

dudeitsdanny 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:11

Real men aren't afraid to moisturize. They don't have to, but they're not afraid to. Little boys and closet gays are afraid people will know how insecure they are, so they make fun of real men who moisturize.

Spaghetti7 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:56

Be popular today: Get the Dorito look!

ariannaimelda 7

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:02

Especially popular among men!

friscoed 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:02

Now in cheese coloring! Coming soon: Ranch!

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:05

Doritos: + Amazingly tasty. + Epic color + Epic shape + Need I go on? -- INSANELY Addicting

yummayy_ 11

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:06

Just tell everyone that you will be visiting Jersey for the weekend and wanted to fit in! :)

kendallhi 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:15

if u get fired from ur job then u could be a jersey shore impersonator

ribbyc80 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:18

or even at the zoo as an orangutang!!

Tjack_attack 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:40

gabstahhh 8

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:44

There can never be too many Snookis in the world:)

MurphyS94 4

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:52

68- One is plenty.

gabstahhh 8

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Monday 27 June 2011 9:01

That was sarcasm. So yes. I agree. Haha:)

fm_lover364 1

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Monday 27 June 2011 10:36

70- 1 is tooany

Darklord53 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 11:24

70- are you a guy or a girl?

AnnaBonJovi 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 11:44

105 - WTF 70 is really pretty

Monii_Harlz 11

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Monday 27 June 2011 11:58

boys will be boys ;)

spoilt_ 15

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Monday 27 June 2011 11:58

her title says 'miss'

WallyTheWombat 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 13:46

One snookie is too many. But I guess if she didn't exist, then southpark couldn't make fun of her.

musiclexii124 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 15:59

Switch his hair gel with a mixture of glue and lotion.

LuukBaas 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 16:41

I just love it when the first comment is lukte

LuukBaas 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 16:44

i just love it when the first comment is liked by so many people, and Dorito's rock!

senseisuncommon 7

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Monday 27 June 2011 20:02

should have told your boss that giant ass-probing aliens kidnapped you, and pissed all over you many many times, telling you that you work to hard and you should slack back, you bravely repelled them back with saying.. "NEVER I LOVE MY JOB AND WILL NEVER QUIT ON IT",but tell him it was to late to save your skin from the disease-infested piss.

FarSide 22

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Monday 27 June 2011 22:30

Real men don't use moisturizers.

a_nutritionist 10

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 7:54

how much do you apply...? im hoping it was the strongest tan you can buy because if not you shouldnt be even close to fluro orange unless you applied it generously...in which case ease up turbo, you arent meant to put that much moisturiser on either.

Kennzz 0

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Sunday 9 October 2011 23:31

How would you not have seen the difference in the color? Or even the difference in smell??

Sericin 2

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Thursday 22 December 2011 0:57

There are already to many snookies in the world she and the rest of them should be euthanized

ChelseaXD 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:57

haha, wow. just tell everyone you rolled in doritos.

TheFakeFamilyGuy 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:58

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:16

come on now, you gotta give credit where credit us due, and on a creativity scale 1-10 your brothers getting 7.5 on this one....

TheFakeFamilyGuy 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 9:33

dolphincheddar 10

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Monday 27 June 2011 17:05

yes

Spaghetti7 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 19:26

There's something people call originality. Use it.

BluePanda114 0

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 14:19

All 7 says is '' No . ''

ladidaday 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:57

next time, try going natural(:

everybodyluvsMEN 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:37

shes more orange than you Katie!

JesusFishTaco 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:52

Try going oompa-loompa.

redfishbluefish2 13

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Monday 27 June 2011 21:18

The new hot look: Oompa loompa orange! get some today!

ImaCanuck 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:57

Ah, isin't that what family is for :)?

1215116a 14

Monday 27 June 2011 9:16

Isin't....? Wow....

turdbucket86 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 18:28

I think he could take the little guy. he's 15 hold him down and cover him in the oompa loompa oil then drop him off at his friends house, fairs fair.

ImaCanuck 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 19:05

sorry I didn't realise this was a spelling bee.

Spaghetti7 5

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Thursday 30 June 2011 19:21

*THE spelling bee. :)

EmyB_fml 8

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:57

take a shower ? god that would suck, FYL

brookeec 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:58

I bet you looked hot! ........ NOT:)

Evii_fml 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 7:59

Hahaha your brother is funny.

bria0230 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 9:15

you look cute (:

enonymous 8

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Monday 27 June 2011 9:44

I'm pretty sure the brother thought the tan cream was vanishing cream because OPs face needs to go away.

lulututu 4

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Monday 27 June 2011 10:59

I thought he was funny too:)

Busby91 0

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 13:55

Agreed, that's just a classic prank. if op can't figure out a way to get it off in 12 hours they're an idiot anyways.

heyimjennyFML 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:01

you're a guy? real men don't moisturize! he was trying to teach you a lesson.

Newboyz00185 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:10

But who really wants an ashy dick?

dudeitsdanny 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:11

heyimjennyFML 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:16

32 moisturizes

guitargoddess91 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:20

32 is adorable :] what girl (or guy, depending on how you roll) doesn't like a man with a soft touch? moisturizing is good for you :)

dudeitsdanny 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:31

I don't; I don't like the the feel of it. Just my hands, cause what girl wants to feel rough, calloused fingers from my playing guitar? I'm just saying "real men" aren't afraid of what people think. Little boys like to attack everything that they don't think cavemen would have done.

heyimjennyFML 5

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:40

sure you dont. I'm not a little boy and they're not afraid. it's just..different lol that first comment was a joke anyways But thanks for the "information" about real men and little boys!

Darklord53 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 11:29

my lotion keeps my hands soft :]

SmallTownCutie 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 17:02

63, just stop.

Newboyz00185 0

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 5:15

Seriously! if you're a girl, would you want sandpaper hands "touching" you?

tmarie21 0

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Thursday 30 June 2011 1:20

where does it say op is a guy???

heyimjennyFML 5

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Thursday 30 June 2011 18:17

at the very top there a little blue thing

j_cat187 19

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Monday 27 June 2011 8:02

oompa loommpa diddy do i got a story just for you..from there in lyricaly impaired due to writers block so somone thats good with the rhymes:

DocBastard 38

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Monday 27 June 2011 14:16

What do you get what your brother visits? A house full of noise and a face full of zits. He swapped your lotion for some oranging cream This is a nightmare not...a...dream. Oompa loompa doompa dee do You've got a face that's orange, not blue Oopma loopma doomapa dee dee Don't kill your brother, ship him to me.

OCDC 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 15:27

Why do you want a 15 year old boy shipped to you, doc? Oh wait, I guess you're still finding victims...I mean patients, to practice your vasectomies on.