Miscellaneous: Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me.... - FML

By musik_ist_liebe - United States

Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

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There's no helping some people

Vulture

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By spinspinsugar - 24/2/2021 14:01 - United States - Camillus

Bodyshaming ain't cool

Today, I was video chatting with my dad. He handed the phone to his wife, whose first words out of her mouth were, "Why are you getting so skinny?" This was also the same woman whose first words out of her mouth when they came to visit us 3 years ago was how much weight I've gained. FML

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By nightwalker2253 - United States - Orange

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that even if you have to go really bad, never burst into a bathroom stall assuming that it's vacant because you don't see any legs underneath. There might be a child in there, who will scream, and whose mother will burst in and start screaming at you for being a "pedo." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

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By scared - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I am so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML

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By jojo - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By

Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

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By Craig - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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By Cassidy - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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By furball - Inchture

Today, I was at Sea World and was about to take a picture of the big walrus. I noticed my phone was still set to use the front camera, and I muttered "Oops, selfie mode." A guy next to me turned, looked at me, and said "Not like there's a difference for you." FML

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By Matt L. - 30/7/2020 14:02

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my car insurance called about "the car I hit" on Monday night. Monday, I'd gone to the girl I’ve been seeing for a month's house for chicken parm and to meet her parents. I parked on the street. Her dad ran into the back of my car, leaving a dent. I never got the chicken parm either. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

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By Fatty - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I was walking in the mall with my friends when one of them pointed at a store and commented, "Bae Goals." My fat ass thought she said "bagels" and I actually got excited at the thought of eating a bagel, even after I realized my mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boyfriend of ten months that I'm not ready for marriage. A few hours later he proposed at my grandma's 85th birthday party. She cried when I said no. FML

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By dan - Reserved

Today, we had a sprint race in gym class which I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML

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By sad - 1/10/2020 16:06 - United Kingdom

Never trust Facebook

Today, I left a gift on my colleague's desk, with a note saying I liked him. He brought it over and handed it back, and told me he's married. His Facebook says he is single. FML

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By wowimscrewed - United States

Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, a coworker at school yelled at one of our students to be quiet. The kid got pretty upset, so I went to comfort him. He held my hand for the rest of the class, telling me in vivid detail how he was going to kill my coworker. Now I'm afraid to look at him. FML

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By AsianSensation - Canada - Toronto

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

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By notmuchfun - United States

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01

We need details!

Today, was an absolute mess. It began with getting a towel caught on my nose ring and ended with my car catching on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Kilkelly

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

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By Colleen - United States

Today, I bought a party bowl of Bud Light for a get-together. Around midnight, I realized that I didn't have the tap to get the beer out. Fifty-five cans of untappable beer and no more beer money. FML

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By Username - France

Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML

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By lala - United States

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

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By frustrated - United Kingdom

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By nicole - United States

Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

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By Ouchie - Ireland - Celbridge

Today, in an effort to be more active, I jumped out of bed ready for a morning jog. Or, that was the plan. Instead, I twisted my knee so badly standing up, it's now locked, and I can't move it. So much for activity. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my hair trimmed to look fresh for my sister's wedding this week. The woman messed up so badly that the manager had to step in and fix it. I lost 8 inches of hair and my dad keeps telling me I look like a medieval stable boy. FML

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By Quirk - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

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By crazyman. - United States - Keller

TMI

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

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By Sickofbeingsick - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

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By Lexy

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

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By ringmaster101 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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By lionhead14 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 17:01 - Australia

Professional

Today, I sent an email to a private escort, only to later realise that I sent it off my work email. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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By Leo Scofield - 29/8/2020 02:00

It's not the size that counts

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

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Top comments

By mudkipsan | 19

#47285 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

So you've been fingered but are still waiting for your first kiss? Don't fall asleep on the city bus again.

By Eresbel | 0

#47284 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

How could you skip first (which is generally making out, I believe) and second (feeling up, maybe a little below the waist action, but not oral) and go straight to third base (below the waist/oral)? I honestly don't understand.

COMMENTS

By Eresbel | 0

#47284 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

How could you skip first (which is generally making out, I believe) and second (feeling up, maybe a little below the waist action, but not oral) and go straight to third base (below the waist/oral)? I honestly don't understand.

Reply

xx3ginaxx3 | 0

#813352 - Sunday 31 January 2010 20:27

agreed, I honestly don't know why anyone would do that..

Reply

therealdavid | 0

#986286 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 15:26

and not only ur family but everyone that read this thinks ur a slut

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#987681 - Sunday 2 May 2010 22:55

it's because she's a slut.

Reply

melliemoo17 | 6

#2199722 - Friday 18 March 2011 16:22

^ nice pic

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6276965 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:32

Thanks for explaining :D. We don't have this base-system in europe at all...

Reply

BumpkinsBigBash | 8

#6654792 - Thursday 21 July 2016 20:01

it is kinda implied everywhere. You would rather suck someone's dick first rather than kiss them? The fuck is wrong with you.

By mudkipsan | 19

#47285 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

So you've been fingered but are still waiting for your first kiss? Don't fall asleep on the city bus again.

Reply

noodlepoodle96 | 0

#3701543 - Thursday 8 December 2011 7:21

And to brighten her day up, she will have the smell of fresh piss on her when that same hobo pees on her!

Reply

BumpkinsBigBash | 8

#6657486 - Monday 25 July 2016 20:49

tf is wrong with you

By could_be_funny | 0

#47287 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:11

hahahaha @2

By ericbrat20 | 0

#47290 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:14

LOL #2 that'll teach her huh.

By i1hate9emo9ppl4 | 0

#47291 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:15

ok, you deffinatley deserved that, you could have gone to yahoo answers to get that answer!!! WOW

By metalyoshi9 | 0

#47303 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:24

#1 has it right.

...WTF?

By mastercrammer | 0

#47308 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:29

How do you think that it's okay to get fingered without having your first kiss? That's really ignorant.

Reply

Alphonsuuuu | 0

#989295 - Saturday 8 May 2010 4:28

No, not ignorant. Just stupid.

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4763767 - Thursday 2 August 2012 15:09

Which means essentially the same thing... Smh

Reply

LordAres_fml | 9

#5682171 - Friday 20 September 2013 19:56

Not really. Ignorance is lacking intelligence or knowledge. Stupid is lacking common sense.

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6276967 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:34

What? I thought being ignorant means you know about it but you don't give a f...

By hidude12 | 0

#47316 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:50

HOW does that happen?! what were you doing while being fingered then... staring at each other?

Reply

IsntThisAwkward | 0

#1045508 - Saturday 26 June 2010 22:46

uh no.. there were obviously having thum wars with his spare hand.

Reply

karmaSUCKS321453 | 0

#1144351 - Monday 26 July 2010 20:41

And when that was over that played one handed patty cake!!

By Mnemic | 5

#47319 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:57

'Base rules'? There are guides for everything ain't there? I don't see a problem that you skipped 'rules' 1 and 2. But I think that when 'rule' 3 occurred 'rule' 1 and 2 happened as well, right?

If you like someone or you just want to have sex: go for it.

Reply

musicbunny | 1

#2297747 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:45

it's called an STD dumba*s

By medfly | 2

#47321 - Saturday 21 March 2009 13:02

I've read an article on a newspaper about sex among teenagers today.
It was titled "oral sex? its just making out"
Turns out they were right.