Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me.... - FML

By musik_ist_liebe - 21/3/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

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Buzzing the tower

By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

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By Nicole - 3/4/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

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By helpme - 4/12/2013 04:05 - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 23:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for "cheating" on him by using a vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 09:09 - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I'm babysitting for kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4am and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By faul - 26/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Today, a lady told me I looked like Paul McCartney in his youth. With that little confidence boost, I told my girlfriend. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that she didn't know who Paul McCartney is, or how she is now obsessively Googling pictures of him and is practically drooling. FML

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By vanessa560 - 3/1/2012 19:44 - Canada

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she'd hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog's plan to get me to carry her home. FML

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By alynn - 29/5/2009 13:59 - United States

Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML

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By tsardaukar - 1/4/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML

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By weddingbells - 25/1/2010 01:02 - United States

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

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By MathTeacher - 2/5/2011 14:30 - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

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By Cathy - 17/1/2012 00:33 - United States

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

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By callen5 - 10/3/2012 15:16 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

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By bruised - 13/3/2013 21:06 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2013 00:39 - Italy - Milan

Today, while at the store with my mom, we ran into the girl I recently confessed to being interested in. My mom decided to shout, "IS THAT HER?! IS THAT THE GIRL YOU LIKE?!" Embarrassed, I desperately told her to be quiet. She grounded me for being "rude" to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 12:30

Oversharing

Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML

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By Cody - 30/12/2009 09:35 - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By jasmine - 23/8/2019 04:00

Today, I found out the hard way, that yes, a condom can break. Also, that sometimes when it does, your boyfriend won't say anything until you start having morning sickness. FML

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By skunk head - 22/7/2020 05:01

Extreme makeover

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2015 04:39

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

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By Lexxiluvstwat - 15/5/2018 20:30

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

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By monsterinlaw - 23/8/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

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By caramelkarma - 15/4/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag with her tax materials. FML

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By SenescentSouthernBoy - 17/8/2009 08:42 - United States

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

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By jimmy - 30/11/2015 21:27 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

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By LonelyBoy - 16/3/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

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By Madridsta - 28/6/2014 06:28 - United States - Rialto

Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML

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By Shameonme - 26/10/2008 16:04 - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

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By Sios - 11/4/2012 15:06 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

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By Zekrome - 5/5/2014 07:53 - Canada - Markham

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

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By sonofahypocriticalwhore - 7/12/2012 17:06 - United States

Today, my mom bitched me out and threatened to send me to a Bible camp, after catching me admiring a photo of a bikini model, which is apparently "immoral behavior." This is the same woman who cheated on my dad twice, justifying it by claiming the devil tempted her. FML

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By myself - 20/9/2012 07:00 - United States - Seaside

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

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By Fredgruff - 9/1/2010 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

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By - 26/2/2020 01:00

Nothing

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

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By Enslaved - 15/11/2016 08:40

Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML

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By goinginsane - 6/5/2011 07:25

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

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By RB84 - 22/4/2017 02:00

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

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By apparently_disabled - 17/4/2015 06:24 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

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By FMeeee - 16/6/2014 18:50 - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

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Top comments

By mudkipsan | 19

#47285 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

So you've been fingered but are still waiting for your first kiss? Don't fall asleep on the city bus again.

By Eresbel | 0

#47284 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

How could you skip first (which is generally making out, I believe) and second (feeling up, maybe a little below the waist action, but not oral) and go straight to third base (below the waist/oral)? I honestly don't understand.

COMMENTS

By Eresbel | 0

#47284 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

How could you skip first (which is generally making out, I believe) and second (feeling up, maybe a little below the waist action, but not oral) and go straight to third base (below the waist/oral)? I honestly don't understand.

Reply

xx3ginaxx3 | 0

#813352 - Sunday 31 January 2010 20:27

agreed, I honestly don't know why anyone would do that..

Reply

therealdavid | 0

#986286 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 15:26

and not only ur family but everyone that read this thinks ur a slut

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#987681 - Sunday 2 May 2010 22:55

it's because she's a slut.

Reply

melliemoo17 | 6

#2199722 - Friday 18 March 2011 16:22

^ nice pic

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6276965 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:32

Thanks for explaining :D. We don't have this base-system in europe at all...

Reply

BumpkinsBigBash | 8

#6654792 - Thursday 21 July 2016 20:01

it is kinda implied everywhere. You would rather suck someone's dick first rather than kiss them? The fuck is wrong with you.

By mudkipsan | 19

#47285 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

So you've been fingered but are still waiting for your first kiss? Don't fall asleep on the city bus again.

Reply

noodlepoodle96 | 0

#3701543 - Thursday 8 December 2011 7:21

And to brighten her day up, she will have the smell of fresh piss on her when that same hobo pees on her!

Reply

BumpkinsBigBash | 8

#6657486 - Monday 25 July 2016 20:49

tf is wrong with you

By could_be_funny | 0

#47287 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:11

hahahaha @2

By ericbrat20 | 0

#47290 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:14

LOL #2 that'll teach her huh.

By i1hate9emo9ppl4 | 0

#47291 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:15

ok, you deffinatley deserved that, you could have gone to yahoo answers to get that answer!!! WOW

By metalyoshi9 | 0

#47303 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:24

#1 has it right.

...WTF?

By mastercrammer | 0

#47308 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:29

How do you think that it's okay to get fingered without having your first kiss? That's really ignorant.

Reply

Alphonsuuuu | 0

#989295 - Saturday 8 May 2010 4:28

No, not ignorant. Just stupid.

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4763767 - Thursday 2 August 2012 15:09

Which means essentially the same thing... Smh

Reply

LordAres_fml | 9

#5682171 - Friday 20 September 2013 19:56

Not really. Ignorance is lacking intelligence or knowledge. Stupid is lacking common sense.

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6276967 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:34

What? I thought being ignorant means you know about it but you don't give a f...

By hidude12 | 0

#47316 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:50

HOW does that happen?! what were you doing while being fingered then... staring at each other?

Reply

IsntThisAwkward | 0

#1045508 - Saturday 26 June 2010 22:46

uh no.. there were obviously having thum wars with his spare hand.

Reply

karmaSUCKS321453 | 0

#1144351 - Monday 26 July 2010 20:41

And when that was over that played one handed patty cake!!

By Mnemic | 5

#47319 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:57

'Base rules'? There are guides for everything ain't there? I don't see a problem that you skipped 'rules' 1 and 2. But I think that when 'rule' 3 occurred 'rule' 1 and 2 happened as well, right?

If you like someone or you just want to have sex: go for it.

Reply

#2297747 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:45

it's called an STD dumba*s

By medfly | 2

#47321 - Saturday 21 March 2009 13:02

I've read an article on a newspaper about sex among teenagers today.
It was titled "oral sex? its just making out"
Turns out they were right.