Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me.... - FML

By musik_ist_liebe - 21/3/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Great boyfriend

Headache

By shook - 6/9/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

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By gman - 12/9/2018 03:30

Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2016 04:27 - United States - Cabot

Today, I got my dog some weight loss formula food, as she is very overweight. This new food makes her have horrible gas. FML

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By Jim - 28/3/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

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By violated ._. - 22/8/2013 22:45 - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By overpriced coffee shop worker - 17/11/2012 18:35 - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

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By Unknown - 7/2/2014 14:18 - United States - Lamoni

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

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By ... - 27/11/2008 05:30 - France

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

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By imfucked - 26/7/2019 14:00

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

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By jumpedjogger - 14/9/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By fubuggie - 14/6/2013 05:57 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

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By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/7/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

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By xYumix - 17/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was late for an interview. Going into the elevator, a man ran up to the doors but since I was late, I pressed the "close" button. When I arrived to the office, the secretary asked me to wait. The boss walked in to interview me. The man whose face I closed the elevator doors on. FML

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By Toby's.Mom. - 16/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Houston

Your kid is a boffin

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

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By kirsty - 8/4/2012 17:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

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By SickOfYourShit - 16/12/2015 15:41 - United States - Kennewick

Today, my boyfriend's bitch of a mother had surgery and now I'm expected to be her at-home nurse. I haven't been able to sit down for more than 5 minutes thanks to her and I've barely slept. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

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By babyblues - 20/11/2012 19:45 - United States - Woodhaven

Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I didn't even take a pregnancy test yet. FML

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By Gothicbunnyx3 - 21/2/2012 01:43 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

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By mylifeisfcked - 25/2/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, I sent out a note to 300 friends saying that I'm having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked to please write back if they are interested in going . . . two people answered...They said they can't make it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, I had given up on finding my makeup bag with cell phone and iPod my mom had bought for me recently. So I went to art to join the group of girls with whom I share the back art studio of my school. One of them was talking about how she'd ripped off some bitch's stuff, and she held up my bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

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By goldfish - 6/3/2012 02:47 - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

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By lolowills - 14/11/2016 03:20

Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML

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By Annoyed - 15/1/2017 18:00

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

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By Shan.nel - 20/11/2017 19:30 - United States - Greer

Today, I met with my trainer, despite having an upset stomach. Have you ever tried to hold in diarrhea while doing squats? It doesn't end well. FML

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By uneek14 - 23/6/2009 14:19 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say "ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

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By Loverscry - 5/11/2014 22:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

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By jakeeey - 18/1/2013 01:16 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

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By "fraz206" - 18/3/2019 16:00

Today, after feeling sick all day at work, my shift was about to end. 20 minutes till I was able to clock out some kid pukes all over herself in the playground. FML

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By mmmretail - 25/5/2013 05:09 - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I had a customer tell me how much she regretted not aborting her expected child, how much she hates the father, and described to me in immense detail what it is like to pee while pregnant. All within the 30 seconds it took me to serve her. FML

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By wellthatsucks - 5/7/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML

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By jzone32 - 14/10/2009 05:45 - Canada

Today, I had my first job interview in years. While I was waiting for the manager to come out I realized I had forgotten the resume that I had printed out the night before, since he specifically asked me to bring one. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was showing my new iPhone case to my friends, saying how it was scratchproof, shockproof, and waterproof. I demonstrated it by dropping it on the sidewalk from about 5 feet. It bounced onto the road. Apparently, its not truck-proof. FML

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By Karma - 21/4/2015 16:45 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

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By Rmglrsm - 23/6/2016 02:21

Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

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By Kelleee - 30/9/2017 20:00

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 16:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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By XxmegaronixX - 25/6/2016 04:55 - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

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Top comments

By mudkipsan | 19

#47285 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

So you've been fingered but are still waiting for your first kiss? Don't fall asleep on the city bus again.

By Eresbel | 0

#47284 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

How could you skip first (which is generally making out, I believe) and second (feeling up, maybe a little below the waist action, but not oral) and go straight to third base (below the waist/oral)? I honestly don't understand.

Comments

By Eresbel | 0

#47284 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

How could you skip first (which is generally making out, I believe) and second (feeling up, maybe a little below the waist action, but not oral) and go straight to third base (below the waist/oral)? I honestly don't understand.

Reply

xx3ginaxx3 | 0

#813352 - Sunday 31 January 2010 20:27

agreed, I honestly don't know why anyone would do that..

Reply

therealdavid | 0

#986286 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 15:26

and not only ur family but everyone that read this thinks ur a slut

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#987681 - Sunday 2 May 2010 22:55

it's because she's a slut.

Reply

melliemoo17 | 6

#2199722 - Friday 18 March 2011 16:22

^ nice pic

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6276965 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:32

Thanks for explaining :D. We don't have this base-system in europe at all...

Reply

BumpkinsBigBash | 8

#6654792 - Thursday 21 July 2016 20:01

it is kinda implied everywhere. You would rather suck someone's dick first rather than kiss them? The fuck is wrong with you.

By mudkipsan | 19

#47285 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:10

So you've been fingered but are still waiting for your first kiss? Don't fall asleep on the city bus again.

Reply

noodlepoodle96 | 0

#3701543 - Thursday 8 December 2011 7:21

And to brighten her day up, she will have the smell of fresh piss on her when that same hobo pees on her!

Reply

BumpkinsBigBash | 8

#6657486 - Monday 25 July 2016 20:49

tf is wrong with you

By could_be_funny | 0

#47287 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:11

hahahaha @2

By ericbrat20 | 0

#47290 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:14

LOL #2 that'll teach her huh.

By i1hate9emo9ppl4 | 0

#47291 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:15

ok, you deffinatley deserved that, you could have gone to yahoo answers to get that answer!!! WOW

By metalyoshi9 | 0

#47303 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:24

#1 has it right.

...WTF?

By mastercrammer | 0

#47308 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:29

How do you think that it's okay to get fingered without having your first kiss? That's really ignorant.

Reply

Alphonsuuuu | 0

#989295 - Saturday 8 May 2010 4:28

No, not ignorant. Just stupid.

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4763767 - Thursday 2 August 2012 15:09

Which means essentially the same thing... Smh

Reply

LordAres_fml | 9

#5682171 - Friday 20 September 2013 19:56

Not really. Ignorance is lacking intelligence or knowledge. Stupid is lacking common sense.

Reply

ToxicTyrael | 26

#6276967 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:34

What? I thought being ignorant means you know about it but you don't give a f...

By hidude12 | 0

#47316 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:50

HOW does that happen?! what were you doing while being fingered then... staring at each other?

Reply

IsntThisAwkward | 0

#1045508 - Saturday 26 June 2010 22:46

uh no.. there were obviously having thum wars with his spare hand.

Reply

karmaSUCKS321453 | 0

#1144351 - Monday 26 July 2010 20:41

And when that was over that played one handed patty cake!!

By Mnemic | 5

#47319 - Saturday 21 March 2009 12:57

'Base rules'? There are guides for everything ain't there? I don't see a problem that you skipped 'rules' 1 and 2. But I think that when 'rule' 3 occurred 'rule' 1 and 2 happened as well, right?

If you like someone or you just want to have sex: go for it.

Reply

musicbunny | 1

#2297747 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:45

it's called an STD dumba*s

By medfly | 2

#47321 - Saturday 21 March 2009 13:02

I've read an article on a newspaper about sex among teenagers today.
It was titled "oral sex? its just making out"
Turns out they were right.