Intimacy: Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night...

By MrAwsum - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

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Intimacy

Commando

No pain, no meds

Heartless

By Bob - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

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By stupidquestionsstupidpeople - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I met one of my favorite web-comic artists. As I purchased a shirt from their booth he asked, "What size?" I stupidly asked "How big is a small?" He chuckled, "It's small" and chuckled some more. So much for keeping it cool. FML

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By idiot - France

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

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By 909 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to Lidl to buy the cheapest jaffa cakes I could. They cost 35p. When I was eating them later on I put the plastic wrapper onto the side. When I'd finished eating my jaffa cakes I went to pick up the wrapper... The dog had eaten it. Cost me a £150 vet bill. Most expensive jaffas I've ever had. FML

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By carey33 - 4/6/2020 14:15

Quite the catch

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Flandre

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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1997

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By Nerrh - Australia

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

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17185

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By Ain't going nowhere - United States - Chicago

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

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By AW

Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

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By Tamps - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

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35989

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By Username - France

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700 mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

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By loser - Canada

Today, I was testing out my new webcam on an msn Video Call with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. In an attempt to look cool, I pretended to have a very interesting phone conversation. Later I found out my webcam has a mic. She "heard" the whole thing. FML

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By WoofWoof - 27/9/2020 14:01 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Comedian

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML

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By BrokeBride - United States - Hudson

Today, I asked for time off from work for my wedding and honeymoon. A grand total of three days. My boss made a face like he'd sucked on rancid toes and asked me if I was stupid. Awesome. FML

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By alexa - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

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By Mandy - United States

Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML

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By triple l - United States

Today, the police searched my house because my neighbors thought we were aiming a gun with laser sight at them. We were only getting our daft dog to chase a laser light around; we don't even own any guns. FML

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By Nancy - United States

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML

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By cyantist - United States

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

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24790

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By :( - United States

Today, my mom told me that I'll never get married if my cooking skills don't improve. My boyfriend agrees. FML

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15614

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By Anonymous - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By reckless - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

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By xXRowynXx - Canada

Today, I bleached my hair for the new school year. Instead of blonde, it came out orange, making my hair resemble a bloated pumpkin. FML

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By SweptWolf - 6/6/2020 23:02

Doomed

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

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By Evelyn - United States

Today, I was at the park with my friends. We were all having fun on the swings, when out of nowhere I heard a thud, followed by a child crying. Turns out I accidentally kicked him in the head. FML

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By sweetlilthing - 31/5/2020 17:00

Understandable

Today, my husband is depressed because the government is relaxing coronavirus isolation and he doesn’t want to have to return to talking to people, or having family drop by unexpectedly, or socialising at all. He prefers being stuck at home as an antisocial Xbox and Netflix goblin FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

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By Jayde - United States

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

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By Alone - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

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By Grossed out

Today, after giving a homeless guy some change, he offered to give me his bottle of cooking wine if I'd let him suck my toes. FML

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By Invisible

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

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By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me when I was leaving and said, "Have a nice... week!" FML

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By Tai - Australia

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By monkeylover996 - United States

Today, I had my 7 month check up for my pregnancy. The nurse weighed me and said, "I see you've gotten into the Halloween candy." FML

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By pathetic - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

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Top comments

By mizled | 0

#38439 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:27

You read your texts during sex? That's just bad manners...

By Chaith | 16

#38465 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Hey, that's cool, your boyfriend frequents fmylife.com too!

"Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML"

COMMENTS

By mizled | 0

#38439 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:27

You read your texts during sex? That's just bad manners...

Selsa_Squirrel | 0

#1221120 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 7:39

That's exactly what I was wondering. :P Why were they checking texts during 'that'?

By allstarplayer324 | 0

#38441 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:28

Ouch....

By meddude | 0

#38449 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:29

all i've got to say is...

hahahahahahahaha

By gross__ | 0

#38460 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Why would you read a text during sex?
Haha, it obviously wasn't too good then.

By Chaith | 16

#38465 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Hey, that's cool, your boyfriend frequents fmylife.com too!

"Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML"

sexylol_fml | 4

#3607605 - Sunday 20 November 2011 1:00

Really?!!? That must suck for you! and her!

johobus28 | 26

#5977312 - Monday 16 June 2014 10:22

#158, that's an actual FML that was published. She didn't make it up

By Ghettogreen | 0

#38468 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:32

"You're"

By Slightmisshap | 0

#38477 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:33

work on your "faking" skillz, and maybe it wont have to last as long if its bad.

By meddude | 0

#38484 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:34

#7: really? it was a quote lame ass

By curious_missy | 0

#38490 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:36

hehe...but if it's bad just come out straight and say it! I do that all the time!!! Even tho I know how to fake it very very well!

Cjw1220 | 0

#1669999 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 5:55

Nice pussy...

Brendan3693 | 0

#2381667 - Thursday 21 April 2011 5:22

same to you, even if it is hidden

LLLP | 0

#3454439 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 4:17

Thank you for sharing

By pgray18 | 0

#38501 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:40

hahahaha #7
ur a fuckin genious

Kazze | 31

#6248776 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 19:45

... Are you kidding me?