Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night...

By MrAwsum - 17/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Creepy

Toxic parents

By Anonymous - 14/6/2019 00:01

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

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By angryinlaws - 12/10/2013 07:23 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

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By Anza - 29/6/2011 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum told me that my sister's little kiddie swing wouldn't hold my weight. I told her she was being stupid, and went on anyway. A broken ankle and two pins in my elbow later, I'm willing to accept this. FML

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By ITM21 - 9/3/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I accused a student in my class of getting his dad to do his homework. It turns out that his dad died 2 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

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By laundryduty - 15/6/2019 20:14

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

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By professionalmedicineman - 11/8/2016 19:25 - United States - Arlington

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

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By foreverashamed - 4/11/2011 06:57 - Canada

Today, my father decided that since I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, he would buy me a book on how to talk to girls. The book is written by a 9-year-old kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 15:03 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML

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By bummer.. - 2/3/2013 06:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the man I just married doesn't want to have children. We had this conversation multiple times with no problems before getting married, but now he would "rather die" than have children, because according to him, they would ruin his life. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 23:43 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my self-esteem hit rock bottom when I was intimidated by a 10-year-old. I'm 23. FML

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By Amy - 10/5/2012 19:14 - Canada - Prince George

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for homecoming. While I was dancing, I got really sweaty and the spray tan rubbed off on the guy's white tux. FML

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By hushnow - 7/2/2011 18:04 - United States

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

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By Sarah - 12/6/2012 16:59 - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By legotron - 17/10/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2016 14:10 - Serbia - Pancevo

Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

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By Tooyoungforthis - 4/1/2013 00:34 - United States - Arvada

Today, I had to download a parental block so my dad would stop watching porn on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By chinousmc - 6/12/2012 11:30 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

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By gr8terevil - 2/3/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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By snakeboy - 24/8/2009 04:49 - Australia

Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for god knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowningly drove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 01:56 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

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By Casper - 11/2/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted "No, that can't be normal." FML

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By foxownerapperantly - 7/6/2015 21:48 - Netherlands - Hoorn

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

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By probably single - 29/5/2015 18:28 - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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By KTK - 18/2/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By JC - 26/3/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

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By superhero1043 - 14/5/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Lonesome - 1/1/2014 06:41 - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

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By idiot - 19/11/2016 06:48 - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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By kaitlintaylor - 7/11/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my family went to a football game. It was a little cold, but then it started to rain. I wasn't dressed for rain and I'd left my umbrella in the car. My dad wouldn't let us leave our seats for the whole game. FML

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By Alice - 24/10/2012 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

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By StaplerScared - 8/11/2011 14:39 - Canada

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

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By LadyLump - 24/1/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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By Labelme - 2/1/2010 08:26 - United States

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 12:28 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

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Top comments

By mizled | 0

#38439 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:27

You read your texts during sex? That's just bad manners...

By Chaith | 16

#38465 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Hey, that's cool, your boyfriend frequents fmylife.com too!

"Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML"

COMMENTS

By mizled | 0

#38439 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:27

You read your texts during sex? That's just bad manners...

Selsa_Squirrel | 0

#1221120 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 7:39

That's exactly what I was wondering. :P Why were they checking texts during 'that'?

By allstarplayer324 | 0

#38441 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:28

Ouch....

By meddude | 0

#38449 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:29

all i've got to say is...

hahahahahahahaha

By gross__ | 0

#38460 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Why would you read a text during sex?
Haha, it obviously wasn't too good then.

By Chaith | 16

#38465 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Hey, that's cool, your boyfriend frequents fmylife.com too!

"Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML"

sexylol_fml | 4

#3607605 - Sunday 20 November 2011 1:00

Really?!!? That must suck for you! and her!

johobus28 | 26

#5977312 - Monday 16 June 2014 10:22

#158, that's an actual FML that was published. She didn't make it up

By Ghettogreen | 0

#38468 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:32

"You're"

By Slightmisshap | 0

#38477 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:33

work on your "faking" skillz, and maybe it wont have to last as long if its bad.

By meddude | 0

#38484 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:34

#7: really? it was a quote lame ass

By curious_missy | 0

#38490 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:36

hehe...but if it's bad just come out straight and say it! I do that all the time!!! Even tho I know how to fake it very very well!

Cjw1220 | 0

#1669999 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 5:55

Nice pussy...

Brendan3693 | 0

#2381667 - Thursday 21 April 2011 5:22

same to you, even if it is hidden

LLLP | 0

#3454439 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 4:17

Thank you for sharing

By pgray18 | 0

#38501 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:40

hahahaha #7
ur a fuckin genious

Kazze | 31

#6248776 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 19:45

... Are you kidding me?