Intimacy: Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night...

By MrAwsum - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Constant flow

The magic of love

By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

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By st3phani3b - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I'm stuck at home waiting on a plumber to come fix the flooding in my basement. The flooding happens when any sink, shower, or toilet in the house is used. Today is also the day that I started my period. Without water. FML

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By deewe - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML

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By Anon - Singapore

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML

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By azmom - United States - Phoenix

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

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By tokinallday - United States - Kingsport

Today, my mom and step-dad tore my room apart looking for the stash of drugs they thought I had. I've never touched drugs in my life, and I guess they believe me now. Didn't stop them from making me clean up the mess they made, though. FML

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By Snotmyfault - United States

Today, at the age of 22 I started eating my boogers. FML

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By YeahItsmecoolhuh - United Arab Emirates

Today, I found a horde of ants in one of my socks when I put it on my foot. FML

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By Becca Velveeta

Easy mistake to make

Today, my mother's boyfriend sent me pictures of my mom sucking him off. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 11:01

Classic switcheroo

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

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By disgusted - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

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By Mofisto - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

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By Kallian - Australia - Sydney

What happened?

Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML

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By öKANEö - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend dumped me was because his parents don't like the fact that I go to a prestigious university. However, they're completely accepting of the drunken slob who's dating their daughter. FML

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By Emily

Today, a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram, when his sunglasses fell from his head. I hurried to pick them up for him, as he had no free hands, but instead accidentally stood on them, snapping them in half. FML

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By StungAlot - United States

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I was writhing in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet and that I'm embarrassing him. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By varsity soccer player - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

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By HR nightmare - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

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By Melting in Texas

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, after learning that my wife has been cheating on me, I decided to distract myself by playing The Sims. Not long after I began, my Sim's wife basically started cheating on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

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By ClumsyBarista - United States - Springfield

Today, while serving a line of ten customers by myself at the coffee shop I work at, I knocked over a cup of steaming hot milk and it went all over the coffee bar, espresso machine, floor, and myself. I then had to act like everything was fine and make a line of drinks with milk everywhere. FML

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By kidyounot - United States - Statesboro

Today, my fiancé called off our engagement after I contested his belief that women stop having periods after they are married. FML

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By tagteam - United States - Worcester

Today, after backpacking acrossing Europe for a month, I picked up my dog from the doghouse. No one will listen to me or acknowledge the fact that he's now missing two toes. FML

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By OhGodKillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

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By Afroman720 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

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By yeaokay - United States

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

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By Terri-Lynn - Canada - Calgary

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

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By Married Life 101

Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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By blushingbride - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

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By makinascene - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because I was sick. The male nurse led me back and when he weighed me, he said "Why do I get all the beefy girls today?". FML

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By BossesLittleBrat - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

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By Brittany - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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Top comments

By mizled | 0

#38439 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:27

You read your texts during sex? That's just bad manners...

By Chaith | 16

#38465 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Hey, that's cool, your boyfriend frequents fmylife.com too!

"Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML"

COMMENTS

By mizled | 0

#38439 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:27

You read your texts during sex? That's just bad manners...

Selsa_Squirrel | 0

#1221120 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 7:39

That's exactly what I was wondering. :P Why were they checking texts during 'that'?

By allstarplayer324 | 0

#38441 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:28

Ouch....

By meddude | 0

#38449 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:29

all i've got to say is...

hahahahahahahaha

By gross__ | 0

#38460 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Why would you read a text during sex?
Haha, it obviously wasn't too good then.

By Chaith | 16

#38465 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Hey, that's cool, your boyfriend frequents fmylife.com too!

"Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML"

sexylol_fml | 4

#3607605 - Sunday 20 November 2011 1:00

Really?!!? That must suck for you! and her!

johobus28 | 26

#5977312 - Monday 16 June 2014 10:22

#158, that's an actual FML that was published. She didn't make it up

By Ghettogreen | 0

#38468 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:32

"You're"

By Slightmisshap | 0

#38477 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:33

work on your "faking" skillz, and maybe it wont have to last as long if its bad.

By meddude | 0

#38484 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:34

#7: really? it was a quote lame ass

By curious_missy | 0

#38490 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:36

hehe...but if it's bad just come out straight and say it! I do that all the time!!! Even tho I know how to fake it very very well!

Cjw1220 | 0

#1669999 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 5:55

Nice pussy...

Brendan3693 | 0

#2381667 - Thursday 21 April 2011 5:22

same to you, even if it is hidden

LLLP | 0

#3454439 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 4:17

Thank you for sharing

By pgray18 | 0

#38501 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:40

hahahaha #7
ur a fuckin genious

Kazze | 31

#6248776 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 19:45

... Are you kidding me?