Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom,... - FML

By - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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Serious times

Time don't heal nothing

Booty pic

By Worst Way To Get Promoted

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By EMTGirl'sLife - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 03:02

Kids, it doesn't get any better

Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML

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By hopeless - Canada

Today, I was playing tetherball with my younger brother. I get really competitive, so I threw it as hard as I could. It came around and hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hartford

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I'll have to join my school's special education needs sector. This is because I can't attend school properly due to chronic issues with severe pain. So much for my 3.9 GPA and being in the top 5% of my class. FML

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By fecal romance - United States - Phoenix

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By GlassPwn - United States

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

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By jnisla - United States - Conway

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

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By frenchgirlll - United States

Today, I was giving my crush a lift home from a mutual friend's house. When he got in the car, my mom asked in French, "Is this the guy you won't stop talking about? You can do so much better!" Of all the things I've told about him to my mom, I forgot to mention he's French as well. FML

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By Zak - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

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By ANON - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, one of my ears randomly went deaf. I went to the doctor, thinking I had an ear infection or something. Turns out that your ears can go deaf entirely without reason, and I now have medication to take to see if I can get any of my hearing back in that ear. I'm only 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 05:00

Stuck in the past

Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By fmylife7721 - Canada

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

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By Mortified - 31/3/2020 14:00

On the can

Today, I was using the bathroom at Costco when a janitor forced my door open so she could mop, then didn't bother to close it again. Apparently, the handicapped stall was too big for her to see me sitting in the corner, and I had to awkwardly squat-walk all the way to the door to close it. FML

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By beetregeneration - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

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By Nice - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

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By madfather - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

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By bye loser - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

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By ksmith - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

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By Nekro_Kat - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By cookieman

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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By joe1234 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By bankergirl - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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By flowerfail - United States

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

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By newkid

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

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By Mayshod

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

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By Kayt - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh I had an itch..." FML

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By Numb - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's mad at me for not reminding him. FML

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By Sleepless in Juneau - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car's faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML

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By sadguy - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

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Top comments

By metalhead88 | 9

#7786066 - Tuesday 26 March 2019 20:12

And thats when I would call her out on the mold and cat shit

By James Acosta | 8

#7786063 - Tuesday 26 March 2019 20:04

so what your saying is you are not o ly to lazy to clean yourself, but your fat also.

COMMENTS

By James Acosta | 8

#7786063 - Tuesday 26 March 2019 20:04

so what your saying is you are not o ly to lazy to clean yourself, but your fat also.

Reply

DKING123456789 | 16

#7786249 - Wednesday 27 March 2019 7:22

Double dipping makes you fat?

By metalhead88 | 9

#7786066 - Tuesday 26 March 2019 20:12

And thats when I would call her out on the mold and cat shit

By pscool | 11

#7786078 - Tuesday 26 March 2019 20:41

Who are you George Costanza?!

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7786079 - Tuesday 26 March 2019 20:46

Shut up, Timmy.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7786141 - Tuesday 26 March 2019 23:34

Just tell 'em: my house, my effing rules. Don't like it? Then clean up all your sh*t first and just maybe I WON'T do it again....

By melisssa87 | 30

#7786153 - Wednesday 27 March 2019 0:34

What does it matter when you are going to finish the tub yourself. I don’t share tubs and eating from it saves me dishes

By Brightside86 | 21

#7786679 - Thursday 28 March 2019 4:07

Maybe the mold, shit and dishes are your families way of telling you they don't like you being a double dipper, maybe you're the one who is setting the standard here.
Be the change you want to see in the world