Love: Today, just after getting off the phone with a girl I am interested... - FML

By porkieworkie - United States

Today, just after getting off the phone with a girl I am interested in, I parked on campus and decided to eat my lunch in the car. As I was sitting there, she appeared out of nowhere and walked to her car. I was parked directly behind her car, sitting there like a creepy ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58603

You deserved it

9237

Tweet

Share

Vulture

Triage

Real life

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47385

You deserved it

10443

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51625

You deserved it

4825

Tweet

Share

By Hotdamnthisismyjam - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51006

You deserved it

6580

Tweet

Share

By ditched?? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

I agree, your life sucks

49216

You deserved it

5688

Tweet

Share

By Hairball - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36509

You deserved it

3145

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got diarrhea while on a trip with my daughters. At our third stop, I had to sit in the stall listening to my 5 year-old informing everyone who came in that "mommy is stopping at EVERY bathroom to poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30752

You deserved it

3401

Tweet

Share

By knolan - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41255

You deserved it

5792

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53135

You deserved it

19220

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1848

You deserved it

182

Tweet

Share

By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25689

You deserved it

6645

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 23:01 - United States - San Bernardino

The long con

Today, I had expired soda and stale chips for my dinner. Why? Because my mother spent all our grocery money on organic food for her chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1158

You deserved it

147

Tweet

Share

By fat girl - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46457

You deserved it

5542

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42917

You deserved it

4196

Tweet

Share

By whyme_ss - United States

Today, I got into my boyfriends car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16059

You deserved it

45140

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10118

You deserved it

5738

Tweet

Share

By hawkknight - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3280

You deserved it

5600

Tweet

Share

By HoShiz - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to go to an award ceremony. When I got there, I had to wait an hour for the hall to open, then sat listening to speeches for two hours, got my "award", and drove 3 hours home. The award was a small pin that I already had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31392

You deserved it

4805

Tweet

Share

By oink401 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60809

You deserved it

4350

Tweet

Share

By imy - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47986

You deserved it

9424

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wainuiomata

My new house

Today, I bought my first house, blowing nearly all my savings on the deposit. I had left myself enough for just a couple of necessary bits of furniture. It turns out the previous owner completely stripped the house when he left, taking the oven and even the toilet with him, amongst other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36339

You deserved it

13446

Tweet

Share

By Nickie809 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I moved into my new apartment. I was feeling really excited until my new neighbor knocked on my door and left me what looks like rabbit ears on my welcome mat. He just stared at me expectantly as though I should be thankful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22076

You deserved it

1852

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally weighed myself after going on a strict diet of only fruits, vegetables, and coffee. I gained weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31114

You deserved it

22408

Tweet

Share

By TheFriskyBadger

Today, a customer complained that her salad had "too much lettuce." Her bowl was less than half-filled with lettuce and the rest was cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11186

You deserved it

760

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 18:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Lockdown fashion

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

959

You deserved it

174

Tweet

Share

By Random Person - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27338

You deserved it

3569

Tweet

Share

By Spoilicious - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was reading a book in public. Some bastard stranger came over and started spoiling the plot for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29009

You deserved it

2854

Tweet

Share

By Thescarlettfox - 17/9/2020 16:58

Now Playing

Today, my eleven-year-old cousin, who lives with me, has discovered Old Town Road. He’s been playing it for four hours on repeat and I’m ready to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

952

You deserved it

105

Tweet

Share

By Potato_Lord - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22685

You deserved it

1451

Tweet

Share

By ...thanks - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56561

You deserved it

4860

Tweet

Share

By UnpredictableSurface

Today, a tattoo artist send me home without tattoo because the acne on my back has gotten so bad, he refused to work on such an 'unpredictable surface'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5533

You deserved it

1192

Tweet

Share

By squarecircles - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while working at my unfulfilling part-time job, my colleague said, "Are you aware of how much you sigh?" And then she said, "You're too young for that." So, am I supposed to hold my breath now? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1430

You deserved it

518

Tweet

Share

By Shelling Ford - Germany - Munich

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26154

You deserved it

3289

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25181

You deserved it

62500

Tweet

Share

By flustered - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12323

You deserved it

52158

Tweet

Share

By idiot says "you raised him" - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57092

You deserved it

7946

Tweet

Share

By needsomelove - France

Running gag

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. Foreplay was amazing, but as soon as he started to get it in, he lost his erection because he was too nervous. He's a 30-year-old virgin and this has happened at least 10 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2155

You deserved it

299

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 09:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Toxic masculinity

Today, it was one of those rare occasions I wore shorts. The first thing my male cousin said was, "Why so sexy?” Misogyny is why I don’t wear shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

694

You deserved it

633

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9406

You deserved it

40679

Tweet

Share

By SomeoneElse - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else's name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said "Sorry, thought you were someone else" and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68214

You deserved it

3347

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Ouch

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23578

You deserved it

29208

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By piderman13 | 0

#130074 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:08

I'm kinda just imagining this guy with a freaky-ass expression as he is eating his subway foot-long and just staring at this girl as if it's the first girl he has ever seen (;

By Ell363 | 0

#130075 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:08

Should've pulled out your phone again and called her and described to her what she was wearing.

COMMENTS

By iluvuxinfinityn1 | 0

#130041 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:02

hahahhaha let's hope she didn't see you.

Reply

colton_colton | 49

#5846990 - Sunday 2 February 2014 23:17

Id'd pray she didn't see him!

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6221562 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 20:33

Ueaj

By DizzyDemon0 | 9

#130052 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:03

rofl. good impression creepy ass mo' fucka

By Morty_fml | 0

#130061 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:05

If you're on campus it aint that odd...

By I_am_stupid_also | 6

#130071 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:07

Wave and say hi.

See, that wasn't hard.

By piderman13 | 0

#130074 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:08

I'm kinda just imagining this guy with a freaky-ass expression as he is eating his subway foot-long and just staring at this girl as if it's the first girl he has ever seen (;

Reply

10_4Franky | 0

#1169186 - Sunday 1 August 2010 4:41

Chewing slowly....

Reply

Sarra88 | 4

#1291842 - Monday 23 August 2010 23:04

LMAO!! Oh, that's epic!

By Ell363 | 0

#130075 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:08

Should've pulled out your phone again and called her and described to her what she was wearing.

By jayfx | 0

#130076 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:09

i don't see whats the big deal

By Kitty34_fml | 0

#130077 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:09

That sucks, but it's really funny. You probably looked like such a creeper. I hope she didn't see you :(

By Rodjmeister | 0

#130090 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:11

Ohhhhh damn. i hope she understood.

By SirAndrew | 0

#130093 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:13

Just wave and say "Funny seeing you."

Definitely not an FML. You just made her think the Fates want you to be together.