Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for...

By lol123 - 10/7/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Assumptions

This ain't working out

By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 04:38 - Canada

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

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By nuns aren’t sexy - 7/5/2019 02:00

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML

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By cat - 7/8/2019 18:00

Today, I thought I was seeing double. My neighbours got a new dog, which is exactly the same as the other one, except that it hates me twice as much. FML

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By boo8713 - 28/11/2012 06:06 - United States - Bell

Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML

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By Monkeyspank - 26/1/2017 22:00

Today, my sister decided that it would be a great idea to give my almost two-year-old son some strong black coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

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By Numbass123 - 4/5/2014 17:17 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 16:39 - United States

Today, I was walking to work and saw three guys sitting at a table outside. One of the guys looks at me and says to his friends, "That's the girl that works at the grocery store. She replaced the hot chick." The other two guys glared at me. FML

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By lonely - 1/8/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 20:05 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML

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By BellinaNico - 25/5/2013 04:40 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

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By batter--up - 17/2/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom was over on the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said, "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML

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By fiercehawk - 18/2/2014 05:45 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

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By you can't win - 10/7/2017 21:00

A Lose-Lose Situation

Today, after months of being called paranoid, distrusting and over-possessive by my girlfriend for being suspicious of her, I learned that she really is cheating on me with her coworker. When confronted, she called me ignorant, gullible and naive for believing her. FML

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By lostintellct - 11/5/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By wherefelix - 3/7/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2017 18:00

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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By smbcolorado - 4/2/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By Dogmom - 14/9/2017 23:15

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

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By Grrrreat - 4/2/2015 15:16 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 06:57 - United States - Baxter

Today, I found out my old DVD player is jealous of my Blu-ray player. It fell from the top of my closet and hit me in the head. FML

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By gloria77 - 23/1/2012 23:26 - United States

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "shit", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother". FML

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By confusedcatlover - 6/4/2013 11:42 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML

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By ihatekids - 20/4/2015 16:57 - United States - Billerica

Today, after a relaxing week away, my husband and I came home to discover our 17 year old son crashed one of our cars against the other. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

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By nr1234 - 24/5/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend gets a nose bleed every time he orgasms. FML

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By Like mother like daughter - 24/2/2015 22:25 - United States - Aurora

Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 16:06 - United States

Today, I had to drive the guy I've been seeing for the past few months to the emergency room. So that he could witness the birth of his newest child. FML

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By bathroomseww - 12/5/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

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By scared shitless in ohio - 25/9/2013 20:02 - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

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By S12Sophia - 2/5/2012 22:06 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

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By Blue_belle - 19/10/2019 04:00

Observational Comedy 101

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By LadyLou - 3/11/2015 11:42 - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2016 08:25 - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 16:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

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By Kimmikoto - 31/1/2017 07:00 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML

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By AnalProbe - 12/3/2017 18:00

Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML

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By Leanna - 10/4/2017 12:00

Today, I cleaned my entire house. Ready for a fresh finishing touch in the bedroom, I grabbed the Febreze and lightly sprayed over my clean bedding, carpeting, and clothing. Then a pungent odor hit me. It seems someone forgot to label the bottle when they filled it with vinegar instead. FML

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By fml - 27/9/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

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Top comments

By Maddoctor | 10

#384575 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:02

And that's what you call irony.

By spamme | 0

#384631 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:21

and the audience were astounished with the great actress on the stage!

COMMENTS

By Maddoctor | 10

#384575 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:02

And that's what you call irony.

randomdude1234 | 0

#384861 - Friday 10 July 2009 18:27

I fail to see how that's ironic. I hate when people don't understand the concept of irony. Men det er synd for det OP. Folka fikk en god led i fertfal(sp? lenge siden jeg har bod i norge).

sadistmonkey | 19

#384930 - Friday 10 July 2009 19:03

it's ironic because she failed as a result of her efforts not to fail

bgukusa00 | 0

#385116 - Friday 10 July 2009 20:34

hahaa does that mean that u screw up the play??

Alexgoesfml | 3

#385221 - Friday 10 July 2009 21:12

Actually #50 it is ironic.

Seti_fml | 0

#385576 - Friday 10 July 2009 23:41

its actually not a case of irony, its simply coincidental.

pigscantswim | 0

#386597 - Saturday 11 July 2009 6:54

I agree! We had a whole lesson on irony vs coincidence in my English class haha.

Maddoctor | 10

#388537 - Sunday 12 July 2009 1:07

Definition of irony: Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.

She didn't expect to fall asleep, and yet she actually did.

It's ironic, deal with it.

Maddoctor | 10

#388541 - Sunday 12 July 2009 1:09

And how in the world did #85's comment get buried?

pigscantswim | 0

#389191 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:30

mmm i think the way #16 says it counts as ironic, but her not expecting to sleep doesn't make it ironic... If i don't expect my friend to come over suddenly and he does, that's not ironic. that's just a surprise,

urface132 | 0

#979181 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 1:01

*practiced

By augustdanielle | 0

#384576 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:03

Haha, seriously. That's funny. [x

Nomad609 | 0

#385175 - Friday 10 July 2009 20:53

I didnt find it funny =[ I hate it when the OP let's the people guess who? I mean who fell asleep? the janitor? the ant in Malaysia? or the lights person who got your play ruined? I know its you but just effin say it.

redbluegreen | 40

#385322 - Friday 10 July 2009 22:03

Way to kill the suspense.
I really thought it was going to be the ant in Malaysia that fell asleep.

By fyourlife33 | 0

#384578 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:04

stupid fml and nice spelling on practice by the way

Life__suxx | 0

#384584 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:06

Shut up, you think your smart because you can spell a word, no one cares she typoed 1 letter.

static_378 | 0

#384616 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:16

Actually, it says that OP is from Norway, which is in Europe. In Europe, "practice" is spelled with an "s".

iKaite | 0

#384646 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:25

And this is an FML because?

Martyrio14 | 0

#384692 - Friday 10 July 2009 16:48

#3 : He is norwegian

Men sykt kjipt det der azz :S

chazstah | 0

#384713 - Friday 10 July 2009 17:00

what an idiot no.3
and wow.. that must Suck big time.
FYL hard

fyourlife33 | 0

#384720 - Friday 10 July 2009 17:06

damn i should have written first in my comment so a few more people would feel the need to reply

hundremeterhekk | 0

#384761 - Friday 10 July 2009 17:27

jeg liker salami på brødskiven

Hazy_fml | 0

#384776 - Friday 10 July 2009 17:34

#3
Get the hell off of your high horse. Nice capitalization by the way, tool.

grungecat | 0

#384902 - Friday 10 July 2009 18:49

The OP did use the correct usage of the word. Practice is a noun, practise is a verb. That's in every country, wherever English is used. Including the unfortunate country that has to put up with you.

fyourlife33 | 0

#384970 - Friday 10 July 2009 19:34

anyone else having the urge to inform me of how lesser countries use the word "practice" can save it and inform #66 and #63... and the "unfortunate" country is the U.S. where we don't use the practise version

fyourlife33 | 0

#384980 - Friday 10 July 2009 19:41

martyrio you are 15 and have a pretty good 0 for 7 record with fml posts

Nomad609 | 0

#385167 - Friday 10 July 2009 20:50

its an FML because she fell asleep during on a play she worked hard on.

Kyu_fml | 0

#386612 - Saturday 11 July 2009 7:02

#55 is correct. Most people don't realise that words like "advice" and "practice" are nouns, but "advise" and "practise" are verbs.

regalarius | 0

#392984 - Monday 13 July 2009 18:07

#55 - Glad to see cultural centricism isn't restricted to America. The English-speaking country that I'm from does not, in fact, use the spelling "practise" for anything at all. It comes up as an error in my spell-checker in fact.