Animals: Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw...

By birthday girl - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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Animals

Creepy idea, dude

The Blob

Can't buy me love

By ev_lyn_aw

Today, I received a company-wide email from my boss, praising a coworker's extra effort at improving our line of business. The coworker's efforts were a direct copy-and-paste of a plan I put together three months ago. No one cared when I gave the presentation. FML

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By Ser17 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 14:01

No excuse

Today, I missed my chance to see my mum for the last time because my son is such a selfish druggie, he couldn’t be bothered to stay sober long enough to pass on the message from the hospital that she was deteriorating fast, and likely only had a few hours left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpine

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

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56025

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My anal beads

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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972

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By haayloo - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

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By Lolabunny - United States - Anaheim

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

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2738

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By WTF - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

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36134

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML

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29445

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By clairebear104 - United States - Louisville

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - United States

Today, my mom went to court to finalize her divorce. I would have felt sorry for her, had this not been her 7th husband. FML

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38853

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By pimpslaprequired - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellingham

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

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7539

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By hurley - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

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34078

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By InsaneIdiots

Today, after recovering from surgery, I was leaving the clinic when a bucket of red paint was thrown at me, and a woman shouted that I was a murderer. I replied, "Sorry, would you like me to ask the doctor for my ovarian cyst back so I can pretend it was a fetus?" She hit me with her handbag. FML

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2888

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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18694

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1993

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

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28248

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By "linzi1771" - Canada - Vancouver

Today, in front of my friends, my mom came after me with a pair of tweezers exclaiming "there's just a couple of hairs on your chin that need to be plucked." I'm a 14 year old girl. FML

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3490

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

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29468

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By meohmy - United States

Today, my boyfriend referred me to me as "just a friend" to his ex. They swapped phone numbers. FML

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38776

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Bugging out

Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML

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1331

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By ren - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

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29318

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By haunted - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark. Something caught my eye and I turned to see a man standing in the corner, clear as day. I jumped and closed my eyes for a split second. When I opened them, he was nowhere to be seen. I'm now terrified to live in my own home. FML

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51508

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By Lithiac - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

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32099

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By FabFor87 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

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6619

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the subway, a little tipsy, I sat down next to a guy I thought was cute, hoping to enjoy some harmless flirting. I said, "Hello." He said, "May I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Can you please move away from me?" FML

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12863

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By analbel

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

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2762

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By AngryLittleMan - United States

Today, I discovered something more dangerous than drivers who text: drivers who break your car windows with a bat while stopped at a red light. FML

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27509

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By katams - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cortlandt Manor

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

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23416

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By Bigbaby - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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22822

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By df22 - 3/7/2020 20:08

Graded

Today, I got my language final exam back. It was a 10-page essay front and back, and I saw that I received a D. The teacher told me the plot was too hard to follow and it jumped all over the place. It turns out he forgot to read the back of every page. FML

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1821

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By looke27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

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14222

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bra clasp broke in the middle of a job interview. I got the job on the spot. I'm scared to report into work. FML

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35331

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockford

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!". I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML

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32933

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML

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38287

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By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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Top comments

By FaraPjJammaz | 13

#5086227 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Aww sorry op. happy birthday :)?

By Poopolicious | 5

#5086230 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Start Barking and youll get all the attention you want

COMMENTS

By FaraPjJammaz | 13

#5086227 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Aww sorry op. happy birthday :)?

Drigr | 9

#5086289 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:18

The FML community always grants birthday wishes:)

hatesfate | 6

#5086463 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:57

^and spankings. Those are the best parts about birthdays. ,':-)~

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#5086507 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:04

On the plus side WE HAVE THE SAME B-DAY

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5086574 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:23

Now now don't get jealous of the dog... Wait, a cake made out of BACON!? Did your mom call Epic Meal Time over?

cupcakeluv26 | 7

#5086593 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:31

You too ^.^ join the birthday club OP ^O^

MagicGiraffe | 12

#5086849 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:21

My birthday was 3 days ago and I was in the same boat. You have my condolences OP. :/

walmartpaysme | 15

#5087675 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:57

Wow, 63! What are the odds that TWO mothers made bacon cakes for the dog an forgot about their own kid?

hannahboo15 | 1

#5087964 - Saturday 27 October 2012 17:39

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY TOO! Happy birthday op (:

iOceanus | 18

#5088055 - Saturday 27 October 2012 18:29

Birthday wishes to you all!

By Poopolicious | 5

#5086230 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Start Barking and youll get all the attention you want

pokefan813 | 16

#5086247 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Stop dogging the attention!

Sorry it was meant to be its own comment.

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5086739 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:25

her mum will probably call OP a bitch.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5088794 - Saturday 27 October 2012 23:55

2- Literally. =]

sonicgreg | 12

#5089693 - Sunday 28 October 2012 5:30

Shit on the carpet.
It's only logical.

leezylvl3 | 3

#5101474 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 16:16

Lmao!

By kawaiikoala93 | 8

#5086239 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Sorry to let you know, but your mom likes you dog better than you ;) just kidding

Happy Birthday OP :)

epicskier | 3

#5086996 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:23

Thanks Sherlock

dsbs | 9

#5087700 - Saturday 27 October 2012 16:12

That's about as obvious as the bulge in my pants.

epicskier | 3

#5087924 - Saturday 27 October 2012 17:25

You got a boner from reading this?!

nogood9 | 4

#5088531 - Saturday 27 October 2012 21:34

You didn't?

kingwess | 8

#5088568 - Saturday 27 October 2012 21:44

Bacon cakes do that to ya

By supahcoolperson | 0

#5086241 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Throw your own party :) happy birthday! I'm sorry your mom didn't do anything :(

T9FTW | 20

#5086346 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:30

Exactly! And she gave the dogs bacon cake.
...
MMMMM!!! BACON CAKE!!!

By 102Percent | 5

#5086243 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

That must be bacon you crazy.
Damn i suck at puns.

Lasagnaa | 24

#5086780 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:48

Good try lol

BunchieRules | 31

#5086840 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:20

Anyone can make a good pun, really. It's a piece of cake... bacon cake... yum.

oj101 | 33

#5086916 - Saturday 27 October 2012 9:11

It was quite pun to read actually :)

mfischer | 17

#5087261 - Saturday 27 October 2012 12:48

Puns are always better if they don't include the word pun.

By BeforeItWasCool | 12

#5086249 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:09

Wow, what a crappy excuse for a Mom. Happy Birthday, OP.

LiesAndMischief | 4

#5086537 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:10

Seriously, I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like if my mom just didn't acknowledge my birthday like that.

Sorry, OP, but happy birthday for what it's worth.