Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw...

By birthday girl - 27/10/2012 00:14 - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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Animals

Live dumping

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What did I do?

By Wolf145 - 11/10/2012 05:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2014 23:42 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was taking a table's order. After I finished, the guy told me, "Just FYI, I'm not a tipper." Trying to lighten up the situation, I replied, "It's amazing how many people forget I handle their food." He complained to the manager that I'd threatened him. FML

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By oops - 19/11/2014 17:03 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

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By Terra - 19/11/2016 05:14

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 14:58 - United States - Commack

Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 23:00

Love is blind

Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her. FML

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By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

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By fml1977 - 4/3/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML

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By Lena - 18/10/2015 17:06 - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 20:00

May be

Today, while I was at my job as senior care, I was in a client's home vacuuming the carpet and found a very used vibrator that belonged to his wife. It wasn't clean. FML

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By Eringobrag88 - 27/6/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML

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By Dafuq happen there - 23/8/2014 07:34 - South Africa

Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML

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By Natalie - 2/3/2010 22:05 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

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By TwiceDaily,Kids - 6/4/2012 00:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

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By Oh... - 26/7/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy studying for finals, but that he'd take me out another day instead. He later drunk-dialled me from a party demanding a lift back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2014 01:31 - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

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By loving grandaughter - 27/11/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

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By jennabee97 - 8/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Mustang - 5/8/2010 01:13 - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

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By Soon2beexhr - 5/2/2018 15:00

Today, my boss tested a candidate for my current position while I was out of the office. How did I find out? I work in HR and the test results were sent to my email. The reason I was out was to have emergency surgery. Now I get to recover and job search at the same time. FML

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By running scared - 8/4/2016 09:40 - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 12:00

Kids, eh?

Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

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By anonymous - 10/9/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By Aginsafa - 25/4/2011 11:41 - United States

Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML

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By pancaketits - 22/3/2016 15:33 - United States - Havertown

Today, a classmate accused me of having butt implants because "women can't have a huge ass and pancake tits". FML

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By mikeycoco - 20/5/2011 14:39

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

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By MenstruallyFrustrated - 23/7/2013 17:18 - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 05:00

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

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By mokki - 31/3/2015 12:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

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By tessamarque - 5/4/2012 15:07 - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By shit - 31/1/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

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By shanxi - 23/5/2012 18:47 - United States

Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 22:51 - United States

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

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By brownunderwear - 14/12/2011 03:45 - United States

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

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By noname - 20/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

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By zoearcu - 17/4/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

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Top comments

By FaraPjJammaz | 13

#5086227 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Aww sorry op. happy birthday :)?

By Poopolicious | 5

#5086230 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Start Barking and youll get all the attention you want

COMMENTS

By FaraPjJammaz | 13

#5086227 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Aww sorry op. happy birthday :)?

Drigr | 8

#5086289 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:18

The FML community always grants birthday wishes:)

hatesfate | 6

#5086463 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:57

^and spankings. Those are the best parts about birthdays. ,':-)~

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#5086507 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:04

On the plus side WE HAVE THE SAME B-DAY

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5086574 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:23

Now now don't get jealous of the dog... Wait, a cake made out of BACON!? Did your mom call Epic Meal Time over?

cupcakeluv26 | 7

#5086593 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:31

You too ^.^ join the birthday club OP ^O^

MagicGiraffe | 12

#5086849 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:21

My birthday was 3 days ago and I was in the same boat. You have my condolences OP. :/

walmartpaysme | 15

#5087675 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:57

Wow, 63! What are the odds that TWO mothers made bacon cakes for the dog an forgot about their own kid?

hannahboo15 | 1

#5087964 - Saturday 27 October 2012 17:39

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY TOO! Happy birthday op (:

iOceanus | 18

#5088055 - Saturday 27 October 2012 18:29

Birthday wishes to you all!

By Poopolicious | 5

#5086230 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Start Barking and youll get all the attention you want

pokefan813 | 16

#5086247 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Stop dogging the attention!

Sorry it was meant to be its own comment.

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5086739 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:25

her mum will probably call OP a bitch.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5088794 - Saturday 27 October 2012 23:55

2- Literally. =]

sonicgreg | 12

#5089693 - Sunday 28 October 2012 5:30

Shit on the carpet.
It's only logical.

leezylvl3 | 3

#5101474 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 16:16

Lmao!

By kawaiikoala93 | 8

#5086239 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Sorry to let you know, but your mom likes you dog better than you ;) just kidding

Happy Birthday OP :)

epicskier | 3

#5086996 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:23

Thanks Sherlock

dsbs | 9

#5087700 - Saturday 27 October 2012 16:12

That's about as obvious as the bulge in my pants.

epicskier | 3

#5087924 - Saturday 27 October 2012 17:25

You got a boner from reading this?!

nogood9 | 4

#5088531 - Saturday 27 October 2012 21:34

You didn't?

kingwess | 8

#5088568 - Saturday 27 October 2012 21:44

Bacon cakes do that to ya

By supahcoolperson | 0

#5086241 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Throw your own party :) happy birthday! I'm sorry your mom didn't do anything :(

T9FTW | 20

#5086346 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:30

Exactly! And she gave the dogs bacon cake.
...
MMMMM!!! BACON CAKE!!!

By 102Percent | 5

#5086243 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

That must be bacon you crazy.
Damn i suck at puns.

Lasagnaa | 24

#5086780 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:48

Good try lol

BunchieRules | 31

#5086840 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:20

Anyone can make a good pun, really. It's a piece of cake... bacon cake... yum.

oj101 | 33

#5086916 - Saturday 27 October 2012 9:11

It was quite pun to read actually :)

mfischer | 17

#5087261 - Saturday 27 October 2012 12:48

Puns are always better if they don't include the word pun.

By BeforeItWasCool | 12

#5086249 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:09

Wow, what a crappy excuse for a Mom. Happy Birthday, OP.

LiesAndMischief | 4

#5086537 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:10

Seriously, I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like if my mom just didn't acknowledge my birthday like that.

Sorry, OP, but happy birthday for what it's worth.