Animals: Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw...

By birthday girl - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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Animals

Family values

Triage

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 22:02 - United States - Anchorage

Get the message, dude

Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I’m thinking of proposing to you in December." FML

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By wtf mom?!

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

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By angry girlfriend - United States - West Harrison

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

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By ToiletRoll - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

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31232

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By manymisfortunes - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

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By verno02 - Canada

Sexy catboys rule my life

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He's the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML

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By Farmgirl

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

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3102

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

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59605

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By shiiiiit - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

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By keelah - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By AgentOrion - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

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42155

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By Anonymous - United States - Statham

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

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52445

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By anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

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22188

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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23810

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By shawty - Australia

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

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51918

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By really though? - United States - Dover

Today, I was taking an order for a patron at the casino. The policy is to "pay first." After explaining this to him, he still refused to pay. After years of being polite, I finally cracked and said, "You are making this really f-ing difficult". This particular patron was our CEO's son. FML

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42698

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 17:02 - Canada - Waterloo

The more the merrier

Today, I apparently I created a group chat with the four guys I saw any potential with, ruining every single one of the possible future relationships all at once because they now know about each other. I give up on dating. FML

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161

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By Brookie Bear

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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4994

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424

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By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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30409

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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1637

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By heartbroken - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

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30523

You deserved it

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By dadoftheyear - United States

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

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37937

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By Smeagogole - France - Villeurbanne

Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML

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27044

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By bleh - United States

Today, I discovered my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

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39083

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By Will - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

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33112

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By hulio88

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

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35482

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By Daivv - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that shouting 'arsehole' at a speeding car is not a good idea. Two chavs MIGHT just turn around, drive onto the pavement and push you into a bush. FML

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12188

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By pissingcontest - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

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19586

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By ItchyGirl - Australia - Geelong

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

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10727

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By Finesse7791 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

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44796

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By charlieweaver21 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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30986

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By Michael - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

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28987

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

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41585

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By nolips - Norway

Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML

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36907

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By rojin12 - United States

Today, I tried to close my desk drawer by hitting it with my hip, like they do in the movies. Everything on my desk fell off. FML

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12022

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got feedback on an essay I wrote, by my mum who is also a teacher. She said it was 'worse than most of her pupils'. She teaches 10-year-olds. I'm a 20-year-old student at university. FML

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14630

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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11950

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my mom got drunk and told me that the man I have called dad for the past 27 years isn't my real father. Oh and don't say anything to him about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

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Top comments

By FaraPjJammaz | 13

#5086227 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Aww sorry op. happy birthday :)?

By Poopolicious | 5

#5086230 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Start Barking and youll get all the attention you want

COMMENTS

By FaraPjJammaz | 13

#5086227 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Aww sorry op. happy birthday :)?

Drigr | 9

#5086289 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:18

The FML community always grants birthday wishes:)

hatesfate | 6

#5086463 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:57

^and spankings. Those are the best parts about birthdays. ,':-)~

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#5086507 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:04

On the plus side WE HAVE THE SAME B-DAY

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5086574 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:23

Now now don't get jealous of the dog... Wait, a cake made out of BACON!? Did your mom call Epic Meal Time over?

cupcakeluv26 | 7

#5086593 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:31

You too ^.^ join the birthday club OP ^O^

MagicGiraffe | 12

#5086849 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:21

My birthday was 3 days ago and I was in the same boat. You have my condolences OP. :/

walmartpaysme | 15

#5087675 - Saturday 27 October 2012 15:57

Wow, 63! What are the odds that TWO mothers made bacon cakes for the dog an forgot about their own kid?

hannahboo15 | 1

#5087964 - Saturday 27 October 2012 17:39

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY TOO! Happy birthday op (:

iOceanus | 18

#5088055 - Saturday 27 October 2012 18:29

Birthday wishes to you all!

By Poopolicious | 5

#5086230 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:07

Start Barking and youll get all the attention you want

pokefan813 | 16

#5086247 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Stop dogging the attention!

Sorry it was meant to be its own comment.

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5086739 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:25

her mum will probably call OP a bitch.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5088794 - Saturday 27 October 2012 23:55

2- Literally. =]

sonicgreg | 12

#5089693 - Sunday 28 October 2012 5:30

Shit on the carpet.
It's only logical.

leezylvl3 | 3

#5101474 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 16:16

Lmao!

By kawaiikoala93 | 8

#5086239 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Sorry to let you know, but your mom likes you dog better than you ;) just kidding

Happy Birthday OP :)

epicskier | 3

#5086996 - Saturday 27 October 2012 10:23

Thanks Sherlock

dsbs | 9

#5087700 - Saturday 27 October 2012 16:12

That's about as obvious as the bulge in my pants.

epicskier | 3

#5087924 - Saturday 27 October 2012 17:25

You got a boner from reading this?!

nogood9 | 4

#5088531 - Saturday 27 October 2012 21:34

You didn't?

kingwess | 8

#5088568 - Saturday 27 October 2012 21:44

Bacon cakes do that to ya

By supahcoolperson | 0

#5086241 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

Throw your own party :) happy birthday! I'm sorry your mom didn't do anything :(

T9FTW | 20

#5086346 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:30

Exactly! And she gave the dogs bacon cake.
...
MMMMM!!! BACON CAKE!!!

By 102Percent | 5

#5086243 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:08

That must be bacon you crazy.
Damn i suck at puns.

Lasagnaa | 24

#5086780 - Saturday 27 October 2012 7:48

Good try lol

BunchieRules | 31

#5086840 - Saturday 27 October 2012 8:20

Anyone can make a good pun, really. It's a piece of cake... bacon cake... yum.

oj101 | 33

#5086916 - Saturday 27 October 2012 9:11

It was quite pun to read actually :)

mfischer | 17

#5087261 - Saturday 27 October 2012 12:48

Puns are always better if they don't include the word pun.

By BeforeItWasCool | 12

#5086249 - Saturday 27 October 2012 5:09

Wow, what a crappy excuse for a Mom. Happy Birthday, OP.

LiesAndMischief | 4

#5086537 - Saturday 27 October 2012 6:10

Seriously, I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like if my mom just didn't acknowledge my birthday like that.

Sorry, OP, but happy birthday for what it's worth.