Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work,... - FML

By sexysue - 7/11/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

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Family values

KoBabe

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 20:03

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Today, my mom complained that I was being too loud, and she smacked my head really hard. All while screaming at me. FML

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By Boyufd - 30/7/2020 23:01

The Dark Knight

Today, I noticed my acne scars are almost forming the Batman symbol. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 14:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By skinnybitch - 11/12/2012 18:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

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By Andy - 18/11/2008 21:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a smoke out on the balcony of my apartment. When I was walking back into the house, I walked straight into the large glass sliding door, loudly whacking it with my forehead, subsequently waking up my 2 other flatmates at 2.30am. FML

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By Loser - 13/9/2016 12:10 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

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By janegeorge - 12/1/2015 00:39 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

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By 41k312 - 1/11/2016 05:03

Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML

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By OhDeary - 1/8/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By notthatkinkyanyway - 13/11/2011 12:46 - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

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By Charitable - 30/6/2014 05:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I donated to a charity website. My card was repeatedly refused by the website but when I went on my account, I was charged for each time I tried. I was scammed by a charity. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 02:45 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML

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By voicelesspeasant - 3/11/2016 20:41

Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 05:31 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 02:14 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

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By King.Dick. - 2/4/2015 14:21 - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By mainche - 20/1/2009 07:13 - France

Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 16:00

Alexa, play "Cars" by Gary Numan

Today, I ran a stop sign that was completely obscured by foliage, in a city I was unfamiliar with. A city bus then T-boned me. My car is now totalled, and I’m afraid this will now go to court. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 13:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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By fatface - 13/4/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML

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By chumman - 6/5/2014 13:55 - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

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By KornyKid - 21/2/2016 08:01 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

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By anon - 12/4/2015 10:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 16 year old daughter convinced her little sister that I am a robot. Now every time I try to talk to her she starts crying. FML

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By Lexiebear27 - 19/9/2011 15:56 - United States

Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML

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By LaundryVictim - 15/6/2016 20:50

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

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By - 5/12/2018 03:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

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By hoping to live to see next year - 29/7/2018 15:00

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5am. FML

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By truecountrybitch - 9/5/2020 23:00

Anger management

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

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By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

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By FLkiki - 24/7/2020 20:00

All or nothing

Today, I found out I didn’t get a job because I'd flashed the owner whilst drunk. Guess my tits weren’t better than my resume. FML

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By well okay then - 20/5/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 19:00 - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

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By latter - 24/9/2013 00:05 - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

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By Andre - 16/5/2011 04:37

Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 16:41 - United States - Aurora

Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML

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By oops - 9/2/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML

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Top comments

By gollygoshers | 0

#660124 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:04

I think it's better to wear something revealing under something that COVERS IT UP. that's just common sense, which I greatly lack.

By Drakon_fml | 7

#660243 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:21

Coulda been worse. Coulda been your husband wearing the same things. How awkward!!

COMMENTS

By gollygoshers | 0

#660124 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:04

I think it's better to wear something revealing under something that COVERS IT UP. that's just common sense, which I greatly lack.

Reply

Gstone5 | 0

#984035 - Friday 23 April 2010 13:36

or just put a lock on ur door??

Reply

lovertolover | 4

#4639314 - Monday 2 July 2012 2:00

I think it's cute that your birthday is on the same day as your anniversary!!! (I'm assuming :P)

Reply

rawr_ily96 | 24

#5468554 - Sunday 28 April 2013 6:46

When did OP ever mention a birthday? Her brother wished her a happy anniversary. -_- Next time, read the FML carefully.

By LukeDog | 0

#660128 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:05

dammit second so close

By blland | 0

#660142 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:12

what does your brother think he's got to do with your anniversary?

Reply

emilysanftwsom | 0

#660144 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:14

he's probably happy for her.

By xoluvinshayxo | 0

#660155 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:22

no offense. but if i was your brother, i probably would have thrown up on you...

Reply

idoc300 | 11

#5960728 - Friday 30 May 2014 17:43

What if he was there for the incest festival?

By notsocrafty | 0

#660190 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:42

dear penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me...

By CelineDeStar | 0

#660199 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:45

Ummmmm.........WHAT?

By kindness | 0

#660218 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:03

um that's nice and all but YDI for not being more careful

By omghehehe | 0

#660225 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:10

Nice one!! ;) Ahhh, it's only your brother. He has probably seen and heard worse things before. Definitely not an FML.

Reply

Nyxity | 0

#717562 - Sunday 13 December 2009 4:39

totally; and plus, considering it's her brother, it's probably just another embarrassing sibling moment.

By Drakon_fml | 7

#660243 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:21

Coulda been worse. Coulda been your husband wearing the same things. How awkward!!

Reply

UmbreonKirby | 14

#5735207 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 13:46

It could have been even worse...It could've been raining

By picturetaker | 0

#660284 - Sunday 8 November 2009 5:14

How is he able to just barge in your house? I know my family usually knocks before they come in..

Reply

boreddoubletears | 0

#917844 - Saturday 6 March 2010 1:41

Maybe the door was cracked so he yelled her name; she thought it was her husband, so she said come in.