Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work,... - FML

By sexysue - 7/11/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Vultures

By awhmaaan - 27/2/2012 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

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By "jonnybones223" - 8/3/2019 04:00

Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

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By DontGetSlapped - 18/2/2013 00:24 - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

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By Blank - 17/6/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my new step-dad proposed to my mom during a family trip to Wal-Mart. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 12:14 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

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By fuck em all - 27/9/2018 14:00

Today, my entire family is giving me the cold shoulder, including my parents, for not going to my sister's wedding. No one seems to care her new husband bullied me so badly in high school that I still need medication for my anxiety 15 years after graduating. FML

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By wreckdit - 12/10/2016 23:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

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By Dashofweak - 26/4/2016 16:17 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2017 17:15 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, a teenage kid holding a cell phone ran up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in the groin. After I fell to the ground in pain, I realized he was liveblogging the event and asking people to subscribe to his YouTube channel. FML

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By anonymous - 18/6/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

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By Mr Hawks - 19/12/2008 05:17 - France

Today, I decided to put my computer on slideshow mode. Did you know that hidden files are also read when you put slideshow on? I discovered this, as did my entire family, when my naked girlfriend appeared on the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 12:24 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went out of my way to avoid street preachers thrusting hateful propaganda at me. A young woman ran up to me and started waving paper in my face, and I snapped at her to fuck off. Right afterwards I realised she was returning something that fell out of my pocket. She looked terrified. FML

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By Ihatebuses - 14/6/2018 19:00

Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 11:56 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

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By kay - 3/12/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, I received an e-mail from my stepmom. It was a picture of a boy that she said she thought I might like to know. Next to the picture was the message "he comes from a good military background". My love life is so pathetic that my stepmother feels the need to try and set me up. FML

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By disappointed - 20/9/2013 16:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

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By KasSmoke - 30/9/2014 02:13 - United States - Justin

Today, I was flipping out because I couldn't find my wallet, and after several hours of cussing myself out, I went downstairs to make breakfast. I poured cereal into my bowl and my wallet flopped out with the Honey Nut Cheerios. I need to stop drinking. FML

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By WTF, America? - 3/8/2013 21:57 - Sweden

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 00:01 - United States

Don't let the bastards grind you down

Today, I heard a radio ad for the new anti-bullying efforts at a local middle school. The speaker in the ad was the school counselor… who was also my bully in high school. FML

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By unlolable4321 - 28/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter "LOL, Jen" thinking LOL stood for "lots of love." FML

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By Thankshun - 4/3/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 19:21 - United States - Boise

Today, I now know what it feels like to violently sneeze while a nurse still has a needle in your arm. FML

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By royallymessedup - 21/8/2014 16:36

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

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By anonymous - 31/1/2013 04:02 - Canada - Fergus

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 23:07 - Canada

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I've had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I'm not around. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 17:59 - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

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By Raaar - 26/8/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

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By emoflowers - 10/4/2012 02:51 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

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By Noname - 10/3/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2015 21:52 - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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By LongDriveNoSleep - 24/5/2016 10:38 - United States - Washington

Today, my friend, who I'm moving in with, flew up to drive from Pennsylvania to Texas, where she lives, with me. I went to the airport to pick her up and we discovered she accidentally flew to the wrong airport. On the other side of the state. I'm driving through the night to rescue her. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/8/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By ewww - 26/8/2012 09:21 - United States - Seattle

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

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By CivE - 25/1/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By kelsey - 8/3/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 02:48 - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

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By piratequeen - 7/8/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML

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By depressedskatergirl - 7/2/2015 02:35 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I had a big figure skating competition. Many of the girls before me fell or did not execute their jumps correctly. Me? I skated a flawless program. I was placed last because they said I didn't push myself hard enough to the point of falling. FML

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Top comments

By gollygoshers | 0

#660124 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:04

I think it's better to wear something revealing under something that COVERS IT UP. that's just common sense, which I greatly lack.

By Drakon_fml | 7

#660243 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:21

Coulda been worse. Coulda been your husband wearing the same things. How awkward!!

Comments

By gollygoshers | 0

#660124 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:04

I think it's better to wear something revealing under something that COVERS IT UP. that's just common sense, which I greatly lack.

Reply

Gstone5 | 0

#984035 - Friday 23 April 2010 13:36

or just put a lock on ur door??

Reply

lovertolover | 4

#4639314 - Monday 2 July 2012 2:00

I think it's cute that your birthday is on the same day as your anniversary!!! (I'm assuming :P)

Reply

rawr_ily96 | 24

#5468554 - Sunday 28 April 2013 6:46

When did OP ever mention a birthday? Her brother wished her a happy anniversary. -_- Next time, read the FML carefully.

By LukeDog | 0

#660128 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:05

dammit second so close

By blland | 0

#660142 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:12

what does your brother think he's got to do with your anniversary?

Reply

emilysanftwsom | 0

#660144 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:14

he's probably happy for her.

By xoluvinshayxo | 0

#660155 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:22

no offense. but if i was your brother, i probably would have thrown up on you...

Reply

idoc300 | 11

#5960728 - Friday 30 May 2014 17:43

What if he was there for the incest festival?

By notsocrafty | 0

#660190 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:42

dear penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me...

By CelineDeStar | 0

#660199 - Sunday 8 November 2009 3:45

Ummmmm.........WHAT?

By kindness | 0

#660218 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:03

um that's nice and all but YDI for not being more careful

By omghehehe | 0

#660225 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:10

Nice one!! ;) Ahhh, it's only your brother. He has probably seen and heard worse things before. Definitely not an FML.

Reply

Nyxity | 0

#717562 - Sunday 13 December 2009 4:39

totally; and plus, considering it's her brother, it's probably just another embarrassing sibling moment.

By Drakon_fml | 7

#660243 - Sunday 8 November 2009 4:21

Coulda been worse. Coulda been your husband wearing the same things. How awkward!!

Reply

UmbreonKirby | 14

#5735207 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 13:46

It could have been even worse...It could've been raining

By picturetaker | 0

#660284 - Sunday 8 November 2009 5:14

How is he able to just barge in your house? I know my family usually knocks before they come in..

Reply

boreddoubletears | 0

#917844 - Saturday 6 March 2010 1:41

Maybe the door was cracked so he yelled her name; she thought it was her husband, so she said come in.