Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited... - FML

By Livewire - 1/1/2012 01:22 - United States

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

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You can't win sometimes

The best cat

White line fever

By WasntWorthIt - 30/7/2014 17:04 - United States - Concord

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

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By thnxbabe - 22/9/2014 02:11

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

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By Host grandfather - 21/9/2018 06:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By anonymous - 19/3/2011 10:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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By GothicbunnyxC - 28/1/2012 23:31 - Canada

Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML

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By Fartini - 7/11/2016 06:47

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 15:03 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML

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By missmcfarty - 1/4/2016 01:42 - Australia - Townsville

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

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By Meghan - 22/2/2013 01:33 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "the lovely Meghan". I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 06:37 - United States

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

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By ice ice baby - 8/9/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

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By AustrianCow - 22/12/2015 21:45 - Austria - Linz

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to meet my parents. My mum introduced herself as, "I'm Petra. I'm completely normal." FML

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By OneYearMistake. - 22/7/2009 23:35 - United Kingdom

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

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By mdsfkljsfsdrewr - 3/6/2014 19:01 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, less than a day after my cranky downstairs neighbor passed away, I woke up to banging sounds against his apartment ceiling, like the ones he used to make whenever I walked around during the night. I'm shitting myself in fear. FML

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By Oh really - 28/1/2009 00:17 - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 23:18 - United States

Today, I came home to find my little sister had decided to play hopscotch under our carport. Feeling a small childish urge, I decided to hop on one leg to the front door. I tripped and fell, slicing my knee open. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 00:20 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

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By jack - 28/5/2019 12:00

Today, I asked my new girlfriend if she was feeling alright, since she is on her period for the first time since we started dating. I got an empty cereal bowl thrown at my head. Question asked and answered. FML

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By thacupcakeassassin - 13/9/2016 05:51 - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2012 20:47 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

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By Stella Grubner - 16/3/2010 06:42

Today, I chose a cute tank top and some shorts to wear. Later, I was shopping at Target with my dad when he pointed to a girl in the same isle and said to me, "Don't ever dress like that. It looks cute on her, but you couldn't pull it off." She was wearing shorts and a tank top. FML

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By uh-oh - 21/7/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

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By Ansharus - 6/6/2016 13:47 - Belgium - Londerzeel

Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML

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By Shuttie - 18/1/2013 12:55 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when a guy on the street shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" at me. I recently told my boyfriend I loved him, and his response was, "I don't love you but I won't treat you any differently." Perverts on the street love me, but my boyfriend doesn't. FML

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By coius - 6/5/2020 08:00

Rock, hard place

Today, after years of high blood pressure and 3 meds for it, a doctor informed me my blood pressure is going too low, and I'm passing out. I've been told to stop the meds. This followed an increase in my meds because it's killing my kidneys. So my choices are kidney failure, or passing out. FML

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By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - 25/8/2009 08:47 - New Zealand

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

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By forgotten - 2/10/2009 07:46 - United Kingdom

Today, being the nice grandchild that I am, I went to visit my grandmother. She didn't recognise who I was. I thought she was joking. She later called the police as 'some weirdo had walked into her house.' I am that weirdo, she wasn't joking. FML

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By G. Briones - 23/11/2011 19:14

Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML

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By andrea99 - 3/10/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

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By pizzaface - 9/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed. The lady who waxed my eyebrows also decided to pop the big zit on my forehead. She charged me a dollar extra. FML

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By a - 31/10/2009 04:14 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was chatting with a friend on msn. She told me a few days ago a Halloween party we had been planning was canceled because her parents said no at the last moment. Wanting to cheer her up, I went to her house to surprise her. I guess the party wasn't canceled after all. FML

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By Baconcook3000 - 23/7/2011 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 21:23 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By aaaa - 25/9/2018 17:30

Today, while helping a child through a tantrum, I was kicked and my hand broke. The bone is completely in half and fixing it will require plates, screws, and surgery along with months of recovery. Another day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2013 20:58 - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

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By oktober2nd - 13/10/2018 06:30 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML

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By miiiiilk - 5/12/2010 11:12 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

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Top comments

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#3814514 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:23

Hey, you're with your family :) what more can you ask for? Be happy you guys are all together whether it is of "sheer boredom". Happy New Year!

By YayFlameWarz | 9

#3814523 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:24

New Years shouldn't always be about going out and partying. Be thankful for your family and stop being so stuck-up.

Comments

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#3814514 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:23

Hey, you're with your family :) what more can you ask for? Be happy you guys are all together whether it is of "sheer boredom". Happy New Year!

Reply

NickyK | 25

#3814545 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Amen to this.

Reply

candiicane | 12

#3814568 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:28

Exactly! I traded in the usual drunken sloppy party mess for a night at Niagara Falls and casino with my parents and boyfriend, and had a great day (plus winning some money helped!)... I spent every new years as a child with my parents, wouldn't have it any other way.

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racerapj | 10

#3814580 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:29

Agree 250%. I went out with some friends and family and bust open some fireworks and wine and an Xbox for the new years. ( I know, I know; crap load of grammatical errors. I was typing fast and I'm currently trying to multitask)

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ihatethesenamez | 6

#3814740 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:54

I love that movie

By Doribella98 | 14

#3814518 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:24

It's better to stay with those you love at the beginning of a new year :)

Reply

SecretMe00 | 5

#3814613 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:31

Ya I agree. And having a family limits you. If I had children I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with them.

By YayFlameWarz | 9

#3814523 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:24

New Years shouldn't always be about going out and partying. Be thankful for your family and stop being so stuck-up.

By HeavyScout | 0

#3814525 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Beats playing halo, by yourself...

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MsSoulReaper | 27

#3814615 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:32

I know that feel, bro.

Reply

Fx13mz | 7

#3814636 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:34

I was actually doing that earlier =/.

Reply

YayorNay | 8

#3814652 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:37

You should be playing tf2

Reply

no1gotmyusername | 0

#3814663 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:39

Forever....(alone)

By samantha479 | 6

#3814527 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Sounds like a good night

By So2011 | 4

#3814529 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

That is so bad. Well, maybe next year if your still alive, you can have your own holiday party.

Reply

SirFmlsAlot | 5

#3814723 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:50

I would not really wanna spend time with a five year old either

Reply

SirFmlsAlot | 5

#3814726 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:50

I would not really wanna spend time with a five year old either

By mstangchck | 9

#3814539 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Beverly Hills Chihuahuas 2 was on? And I missed it? :0

Reply

AdrianEC | 15

#3814667 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:41

Disney is bound to repeat it some time this month. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

By monkeysareyummy | 0

#3814542 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Put on some music and dance! That's what I would do..

By anzie_fml | 9

#3814549 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:26

If I had kids, I would WANT to spend New Years with them. Kids grow up fast these days, be happy to spend holidays with them.

By cidman420 | 5

#3814551 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:26

welcome to parenthood