Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited... - FML

By Livewire - 1/1/2012 01:22 - United States

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

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All for nothing

Please like me

Gas giant

By FirstStringQB - 1/10/2011 22:45 - United States

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

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By oralMistake - 26/10/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

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By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

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By sad drummer - 17/1/2013 20:50 - United States - La Jolla

Today, the lead singer of the band I recently joined blatantly admitted to a fan that the only reason he let me in was because I'm "so fuckin' ugly" that I make the rest of them look "ten times better" in comparison. FML

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By immovingout - 4/5/2013 17:46 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

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By Brook - 26/2/2013 08:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, when my doctor told me I had symptoms of an STD, I had to repeatedly try to convince her I'm a 28-year-old virgin. Even as I left she still didn't believe me. FML

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By scammerssuck - 11/8/2012 09:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By non-baker - 18/3/2015 02:12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

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By Coryj1220 - 26/3/2014 03:53 - United States - Louisville

Today, while working at Dairy Queen, a customer asked me what was so special about our ice cream cakes, and how they're different from regular cakes. I chuckled, and told her it's because they're made from ice cream. She threw a fit, which resulted in me being written up and sent home early. FML

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By mongoosemike - 7/6/2011 05:55

Today, I walked downstairs, made a bowl of hot cereal, and held a full conversation with my brother's girlfriend, before I finally put two and two together and realized I hadn't put any pants on. FML

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By NowBubbleWrapSucks - 27/5/2018 20:30

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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By dentistvictim - 16/10/2009 07:27 - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By sonice - 18/8/2015 03:39 - United States - Duluth

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

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By DanJames24 - 5/6/2020 14:00

Family jewels

Today, while on the bus, I had to stand as all the seats were taken. I was standing behind a group of small girls who were messing around with their bags. As they were swinging them, one hit me square in the nuts with her elbow. The girl said, “Wise up, I hardly touched you.” I missed my stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 12:24 - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

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By catdog552 - 28/2/2013 11:02 - United States

Today, while I was studying for an exam, my younger sister came home extremely drunk and threw up all over herself and her bed. I later got grounded for not setting a better example. FML

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By p!nk - 12/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Policy schmolicy

Today, I let my daughter dye her hair pink. I got an email from her school stating that the hair color violated the school dress code as it's “distracting,” and she will not be allowed to attend classes until she changes it. We do school over Zoom. Not sure how her hair distracts on a screen. FML

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By BarbieKen - 14/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 21:45 - United States - Loveland

Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML

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By Fatnotpregnant - 30/3/2017 16:00

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

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By JohnBlack - 12/6/2012 03:56 - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

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By human torch - 18/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 14:36 - United States - Arlington

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

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By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/3/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

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By bummer - 25/11/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

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By newyorkers - 17/6/2013 12:46 - United States - New York

Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML

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By dammitvasquez - 12/5/2011 23:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

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By Kimberpoo - 14/3/2013 06:21 - United States - San Diego

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

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By HateTheBus - 18/3/2019 02:00

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2017 01:00 - Spain - Las Palmas

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML

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By O - 4/4/2016 03:38 - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

Today, I noticed that both my managers completely ignored me when I told them that I'm fully booked, and can't take any more clients. Both of them scheduled additional clients. At the same. Three people from different companies will show up at my office at the same time. Yep. FML

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By OMFG - 22/2/2010 10:13 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my roommate pop a blister with a skewer and casually place it back in the kitchen drawer, before wiping what seeped out with the teatowel. FML

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By CatCreator - 11/10/2019 14:00

Making a Murderer

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 21/9/2018 14:00

Today, after months of planning, I finally got my first tattoo: my cat's paw print. I love it so I showed my friends pictures. One said it looks like poop and the other said it looks like I have a disease. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 19:53 - United States

Today, while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By NoPrivacy - 26/4/2012 10:44 - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#3814514 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:23

Hey, you're with your family :) what more can you ask for? Be happy you guys are all together whether it is of "sheer boredom". Happy New Year!

By YayFlameWarz | 9

#3814523 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:24

New Years shouldn't always be about going out and partying. Be thankful for your family and stop being so stuck-up.

COMMENTS

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#3814514 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:23

Hey, you're with your family :) what more can you ask for? Be happy you guys are all together whether it is of "sheer boredom". Happy New Year!

Reply

NickyK | 25

#3814545 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Amen to this.

Reply

candiicane | 12

#3814568 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:28

Exactly! I traded in the usual drunken sloppy party mess for a night at Niagara Falls and casino with my parents and boyfriend, and had a great day (plus winning some money helped!)... I spent every new years as a child with my parents, wouldn't have it any other way.

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racerapj | 10

#3814580 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:29

Agree 250%. I went out with some friends and family and bust open some fireworks and wine and an Xbox for the new years. ( I know, I know; crap load of grammatical errors. I was typing fast and I'm currently trying to multitask)

Reply

ihatethesenamez | 6

#3814740 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:54

I love that movie

By Doribella98 | 14

#3814518 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:24

It's better to stay with those you love at the beginning of a new year :)

Reply

SecretMe00 | 5

#3814613 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:31

Ya I agree. And having a family limits you. If I had children I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with them.

By YayFlameWarz | 9

#3814523 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:24

New Years shouldn't always be about going out and partying. Be thankful for your family and stop being so stuck-up.

By HeavyScout | 0

#3814525 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Beats playing halo, by yourself...

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MsSoulReaper | 27

#3814615 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:32

I know that feel, bro.

Reply

Fx13mz | 7

#3814636 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:34

I was actually doing that earlier =/.

Reply

YayorNay | 8

#3814652 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:37

You should be playing tf2

Reply

no1gotmyusername | 0

#3814663 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:39

Forever....(alone)

By samantha479 | 6

#3814527 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Sounds like a good night

By So2011 | 4

#3814529 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

That is so bad. Well, maybe next year if your still alive, you can have your own holiday party.

Reply

SirFmlsAlot | 5

#3814723 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:50

I would not really wanna spend time with a five year old either

Reply

SirFmlsAlot | 5

#3814726 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:50

I would not really wanna spend time with a five year old either

By mstangchck | 9

#3814539 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Beverly Hills Chihuahuas 2 was on? And I missed it? :0

Reply

AdrianEC | 15

#3814667 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:41

Disney is bound to repeat it some time this month. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

By monkeysareyummy | 0

#3814542 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:25

Put on some music and dance! That's what I would do..

By anzie_fml | 9

#3814549 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:26

If I had kids, I would WANT to spend New Years with them. Kids grow up fast these days, be happy to spend holidays with them.

By cidman420 | 5

#3814551 - Sunday 1 January 2012 9:26

welcome to parenthood