Health: Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet,...

By Cherub - 03/05/2009 22:16 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 985

You deserved it 7 792

Health

Batman

This Charming Man

Right under your nose

By laurwitharawr - 06/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 358

You deserved it 4 414

By zitgirl - 14/02/2012 14:14 - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 767

You deserved it 5 547

By Devin - 19/05/2013 05:26 - United States

Today, I was roasting marshmallows around a campfire when mine burst into flames. I instinctively shook the stick to get it to go out. The flaming marshmallow then catapulted straight into my eye, burning my whole eyelid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 188

You deserved it 27 799

By Anonymous - 09/12/2012 16:29 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 943

You deserved it 11 101

By Sleeeeeep - 19/08/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 237

You deserved it 14 729

By elcee1987 - 06/10/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 918

You deserved it 2 261

By Magicgwen - 26/04/2012 20:45 - France - Paris

Today, I put my ironing board away in the bathroom. After closing the door, I heard a loud noise. The board had opened up while falling over, taking up the width of the room. I can't open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 620

You deserved it 3 781

Star Bores

By theDarkandtheLight - 11/06/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I binged Star Wars. Now he keeps talking about how the Empire is superior to the Republic, digging up Reddit threads / YouTube videos / expressing his own political ideas to convince me of this. I just wanted to watch the movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 616

You deserved it 581

By phillyfan4life - 21/02/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 773

You deserved it 28 391

By Anonymous - 24/10/2018 14:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 697

You deserved it 482

By demispark - 24/04/2013 14:10 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was leaving work when I realized I had forgotten my bag on my desk. As I went back to get it, I overheard my co-workers talking about "last night's office party." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 245

You deserved it 4 830

By Grossed Out - 13/03/2010 10:35 - Australia

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 744

You deserved it 2 780

The death of romance

By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 09:57 - Argentina - Burzaco

Today, I was swiping on Tinder when the app told me there was one else left to meet. I haven't had any matches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 405

You deserved it 62 885

TW: Gross

By sweet_stufz - 11/11/2010 13:30 - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 624

You deserved it 38 803

Bankers!

By Grinsporked - 11/10/2019 22:00

Today, after talking to the bank, I'd have to take a pay cut to qualify for a home loan. I'm still confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 129

By ilovemypup - 31/10/2016 11:20

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 829

You deserved it 761

By SaMike - 01/09/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 668

You deserved it 4 707

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, my mom put a candle on in the living room. She told the family "how much she loved it!" My mom then went on the tell us that my dad got it for her and it must have been some cheap candle. I bought the candle as a gift for her on her birthday. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 766

You deserved it 3 102

By cat lady - 07/01/2016 03:38 - United States - Netcong

Today, I found out the reason why my cat would sometimes go outside for days at a time was because when she would go out, my neighbor would lure her in with cat treats and keep her there for up to 2 days. She's an indoor cat now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 705

You deserved it 2 008

By Anonymous - 02/08/2012 14:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 399

You deserved it 3 032

By Rakayla - 29/06/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 210

You deserved it 217

Dirty girl

By Alyssa - 28/08/2019 04:00 - United States - Macon

Today, at church, while everyone was shaking hands and saying, “Peace be with you” to one another, a man took out hand sanitizer and washed his hands after he shook mine. And only mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 220

By Anonymous - 07/02/2011 19:57 - Australia

Today, scarcely having time to look at myself, I quickly got dressed and went to work. Only when I got there and saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror did I notice that the colour and detail of my black lacy bra could easily be seen. I work for a construction company. Full of men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 003

You deserved it 32 630

Running gag

By needsomelove - 20/10/2019 06:00 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex. Foreplay was amazing, but as soon as he started to get it in, he lost his erection because he was too nervous. He's a 30-year-old virgin and this has happened at least 10 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 202

You deserved it 302

By nofooddrinkorsex - 25/08/2019 22:05 - United States

Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 243

Panic buying? What panic buying?

By Paul Rushing - 19/03/2020 15:00

Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 260

By Humiliated - 14/09/2009 12:58 - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 793

You deserved it 5 345

By parentof5 - 23/04/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 586

You deserved it 24 755

Leave spiders alone

By Anonymous - 01/01/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175

You deserved it 1 771

By Anonymous - 11/09/2009 09:01 - Mongolia

Today, I spoke to my dad for the first time in over a year. I've been volunteering in Mongolia, I have no running water, freeze my ass off everyday and communication with anyone who speaks English is scarce. One of the first things my father said to me was, "out of sight, out of mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 426

You deserved it 3 693

By Twitchy - 14/09/2011 23:20 - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 709

You deserved it 3 139

By Anonymous - 03/09/2010 00:52 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 850

You deserved it 7 286

By cieee - 13/02/2012 07:09 - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 795

You deserved it 5 021

Ideal location

By Garageless - 14/10/2020 05:02

Today, I live near the bottom of a hill, where there's a curve and I'm seriously considering moving, because someone drove through my garage into the ravine. Insurance says they don't cover "Acts of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 56

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 07:21 - Australia

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 134

You deserved it 33 562

By The fat and the ugly - 27/10/2011 18:56 - Finland

Today, I was getting out of the shower, when my boyfriend decided to ask, "Did your boobs get smaller, or did you just gain weight around them?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 995

You deserved it 5 121

Flashdance

By Muhd Hazrie - 27/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was working as a security guard in a office building. It was 5 p.m. and most of the staff had gone home so it was pretty quiet. I did a little ballet dance around my security post. When I turned around, I saw my supervisor taking a video of me. He sent it to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 374

By buxton1 - 18/02/2013 08:24 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 522

You deserved it 3 361

By please knock - 13/09/2016 23:26 - United States - Needham

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 406

You deserved it 1 208

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PureGold 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:08

Aww, soo many people are affected by that, but it sucks it had to happen on your wedding day x(. Did you have the wedding outside? Cause if you did that was really not good planning lol. But still, FYL. And congratulations on being married!! That's what really matters, right? :)

lifeisfuckedup 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:09

well, if he said "I do" then you know he is the one. :)

PureGold 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:08

lightuup 0

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Tuesday 16 March 2010 2:43

it was the thought of the wedding that counts.

lifeisfuckedup 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:09

well, if he said "I do" then you know he is the one. :)

readme 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:15

Hence why I am getting the injection to prevent hayfever the year of my wedding! *yay - good thinking* But I'm sorry, at least you know he's the one for saying "I do" ^^

Ohnoitslindsay 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:18

The only one who can ruin your day is you.

way2show 0

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Saturday 14 August 2010 6:39

yay I know, as long as u got married it's fine well should be fine

FMY_FYL 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:20

Well that just fucking sucks. But look on the brightside! Your now husband will definitely be okay with not having sex tonight!

Seegtease 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:20

The best thing is that you'll never forget it. I think flukes and trip-ups during marriage ceremonies are great. If you had a "perfect" wedding, you'd have nothing interesting to talk about later. When you get older, I'm sure you'll appreciate stuff like this to tell your grandkids. No FML. But really, why are you posting on FML on your wedding day?

cryssycakesx3 22

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 5:13

lol she said "everything meant to be perfect" like brides plan their wedding to be a little off.

lolwut_fail 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:25

He said "I do," to the woman with a snot bubble. He's a keeper.

PureGold 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:33

I don't know if I've ever seen another FML that didn't start with "Today,". This one doesn't have the comma haha...

skyttlz 32

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Monday 4 July 2011 22:02

It has a comma

tca_fml 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:34

YDI for not taking your antihistamines.

Kuroftw 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 10:34

Aw, I'm sorry. But as Marylin Monroe would say, "If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best" He's a keeper :)