Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some...

By anon - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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Miscellaneous

Leave us alone

There's no helping some people

CIA-level batshittery

By gross - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

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29011

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By WhyMe - United States

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML

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By MeOhMy23 - 25/11/2020 07:59 - United States - Tazewell

The only one who could ever reach me…

Today, I went to have a vaginal ultrasound. The nurse walked me back and I got undressed. She said the tech doing the procedure would be right in. It was my preacher's son. FML

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860

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By Dana422 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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33634

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By zboy_123 - India

Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML

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36449

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone broke my car's left side mirror. A friend of mine was buying a replacement one and texted me to confirm which one I needed. He asked: "It's the driver's side, right?" To which I replied: "Right". I got the wrong mirror. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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By savanna(: - United States

Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML

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28036

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By bieberslayer - United States

Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML

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25774

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By sparkle - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

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25797

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

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By slingerslasher - United States - New York

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

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11242

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By Anonymous - United States - Northampton

Today, my daughter asked me the difference between "their" and "they're". This is the same child I've been spending thousands of dollars on to send to law school. FML

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By braceface - United States

Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my insanely religious 60-year-old neighbor screamed at me when I left my home to go to work. I was wearing jeans and that’s apparently improper for a female adult. FML

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4424

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By liveforpeace_ - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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By Anonymous

It's not mine, dumbass

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

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3758

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. When I told the man that I wanted Tinkerbell on my lower back area. He snorted and told me that I was way too old to have Tinkerbell on me, and that Disney characters are only cute on people 35 and younger. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

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By Busted - South Africa

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

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By synyster505 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

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13827

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Ahmedabad

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

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By smoothcoffee - Australia

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

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51679

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By yeahno - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

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33480

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By Dopamin3

Today, driving to a conference 2 hours away a giant piece of ice fell off a truck and did severe damage to my car hood and busted the front light. The car was a few months old with around 5000 miles on it. FML

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2159

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By Aisu - United States

Today, my mother called me a bad son for not telling her "Happy Mother's Day". When I told her Mother's Day wasn't until the 10th, she said that I would have forgotten anyway. FML

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55746

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By WittyMoron - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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1046

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

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39712

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By Familyreject - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found out that my family has paid for and booked a trip to Dubai without me. They weren't going to tell me until they were about to board but since I was crying that my friend ditched me for my holiday, they thought they would let me know. FML

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2290

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By iVaughtTV - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

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18087

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By Taylor - United States - Eastchester

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

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10927

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By ... - United States

Today, I found out that, after offering to fill out my student aid application for me, my mother sent all of my personal information to a scam site instead. FML

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31830

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By Nathanael Johnson

Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML

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1874

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By madib33 - United States

Today, after much debate I let my mom wax my eyebrows. Now I get to look super surprised until they grow back. FML

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41389

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 17:02

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

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By Julia - 17/3/2021 02:01

Don't leave my baby boy

Today, after a year of unemployment due to my industry shutdown, I finally got a job offer. It involves overseas travel. After being cooped up a year, I'm thrilled! My boyfriend's mother is willing to pay my rent and bills for me to stay home. FML

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Top comments

By ambizzles | 6

#2984303 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

It could still be "for your friend." Oh btw, Happy Birthday!!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2984308 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:41

Time to pull out the good old imaginary friend story. I still have one. His name is Alejandro. Excuse me, I think he's calling.

COMMENTS

By crisspz | 4

#2984289 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:35

awkward!!!

ShyAnn29 | 14

#2984397 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:30

now you get flowers and a cake! I wouldn't complain, just enjoy it!!

OWNZ | 0

#2984807 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 18:21

Were you lonely because your son forgot about your birthday, and then made you pay for dinner after he left his wallet in the cab...?

asaa1212 | 0

#2990673 - Friday 29 July 2011 3:31

38, i read that fml lol nice one

btown1616 | 0

#3073768 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 22:16

ummm hello? screw the delivery guy?

By turkishjew | 0

#2984296 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:37

do you not have friends or something

AlejandraaxD | 0

#2984399 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:32

I believe that's what she meant by "loneliness."

By rocketeer_97 | 1

#2984301 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

Aw, that sucks OP. You should really try & go make some friends so that won't happen!
happy bithday!

gitb | 0

#2989518 - Thursday 28 July 2011 23:28

yeeah happy birthdaaay!

By ambizzles | 6

#2984303 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

It could still be "for your friend." Oh btw, Happy Birthday!!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2984308 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:41

Time to pull out the good old imaginary friend story. I still have one. His name is Alejandro. Excuse me, I think he's calling.

chuksnwali | 34

#5974925 - Saturday 14 June 2014 6:28

constantine

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2984311 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:46

Tell him it's for your roommate then take the cake and eat that chocolate fudge monster you bought for yourself

Friaza | 29

#2985121 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:02

[Flower guy's story]
Today at my shop, some guy ordered flowers and a cake for his friend. When I went to deliver, the same guy was there! Now he must know i'm too poor to hire any staff. FML.

By Inspired22 | 11

#2984313 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:42

I wonder if he actually remembered you. I'm sure he sees a gazillion faces a day, and when I worked customer service, I personally forgot most of the people I talked to. If he did remember you, don't worry about it! It's your birthday! There is nothing wrong with treating yourself! :-)

ixheartxyou | 1

#2985883 - Thursday 28 July 2011 11:54

LOL

By Fahrenheit63 | 5

#2984330 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:47

that is why I order them online xD

By this_female | 0

#2984336 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:51

hahaha aww

muchagente | 5

#2984411 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:49

yeah man, rub it in...

By Mirorbo | 26

#2984341 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:53

Darling, you really shouldn't care. It's not like the fellow knows you personally and is going to be going on Facebook saying "LOL Tina ordered a birthday cake for herself! LOSER".

Just keep your head cool, enjoy your cake, and relax on your special day.

Mirorbo | 26

#2985389 - Thursday 28 July 2011 2:44

No lie, that was the first female name to pop into my mind. 8|

I don't even KNOW anyone named Tina!

elite_stoner | 0

#3008019 - Sunday 31 July 2011 12:22

it's anon ;) lmao I'm a stalker