Miscellaneous: Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some...

By anon - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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Miscellaneous

Kitchen nightmares

Money hole

Send virtual hugs

By ollie

Today, I spent 30 minutes listening to my crush complain about a stalker that's been sending her flowers and love poems almost every week. It's me. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Vacaville

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

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By gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

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By toomuchlove - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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By brittgreen - United States

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

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By iwantpizza69 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

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By ray - Canada

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 02:01

Send virtual hugs

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

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By Thoughtless Wife

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

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By smooth - United States

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Red Bank

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am not a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bedford

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

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By uglyyyyy - United States

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

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By MUemma - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML

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By FMLMom - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

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By bananapie69 - 10/4/2020 20:00

Social distancing gone wrong

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

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By ugh Buck! - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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54943

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By pokeballbra - United States

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

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By MexyBoy

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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By wantontsu

Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML

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By Anonymous

Pick your moments, dude!

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic night. As we were having sex, he decided to say, "Look mom, no hands!" and it totally ruined the mood. FML

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By thissinglelife - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

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By forever_young - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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By badmom

Today, I was told that I was a terrible mother, I was ruining my daughter’s life and that I was raising her to be promiscuous. Why? Because I'd painted my 2-year-old’s fingernails. FML

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By moonbears - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

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By kdeeeceee - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML

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By OhJoy - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

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By anon - United States - Rocklin

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

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30265

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By whymegirl - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

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By oshitdonotwant - United States

Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

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By LadyLola - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML

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By EggBomb

Today, after boiling eggs my whole life, I wanted to try a packaged hard-boiled egg for the first time. I'd never had a cold egg before, so I thought it would be a good idea to warm it up. Now, I'm cleaning out a billion pieces of egg shrapnel in the microwave. FML

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5428

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By emeraldapostle

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

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2767

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By adults acting like children - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By legotron - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

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By anony - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, my boyfriend's mum begged me to stay with my boyfriend because she says I'm the only one who can actually get him through college and into a decent job. FML

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Top comments

By ambizzles | 6

#2984303 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

It could still be "for your friend." Oh btw, Happy Birthday!!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2984308 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:41

Time to pull out the good old imaginary friend story. I still have one. His name is Alejandro. Excuse me, I think he's calling.

COMMENTS

By crisspz | 4

#2984289 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:35

awkward!!!

ShyAnn29 | 14

#2984397 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:30

now you get flowers and a cake! I wouldn't complain, just enjoy it!!

OWNZ | 0

#2984807 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 18:21

Were you lonely because your son forgot about your birthday, and then made you pay for dinner after he left his wallet in the cab...?

asaa1212 | 0

#2990673 - Friday 29 July 2011 3:31

38, i read that fml lol nice one

btown1616 | 0

#3073768 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 22:16

ummm hello? screw the delivery guy?

By turkishjew | 0

#2984296 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:37

do you not have friends or something

AlejandraaxD | 0

#2984399 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:32

I believe that's what she meant by "loneliness."

By rocketeer_97 | 1

#2984301 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

Aw, that sucks OP. You should really try & go make some friends so that won't happen!
happy bithday!

gitb | 0

#2989518 - Thursday 28 July 2011 23:28

yeeah happy birthdaaay!

By ambizzles | 6

#2984303 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

It could still be "for your friend." Oh btw, Happy Birthday!!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2984308 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:41

Time to pull out the good old imaginary friend story. I still have one. His name is Alejandro. Excuse me, I think he's calling.

chuksnwali | 34

#5974925 - Saturday 14 June 2014 6:28

constantine

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2984311 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:46

Tell him it's for your roommate then take the cake and eat that chocolate fudge monster you bought for yourself

Friaza | 29

#2985121 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:02

[Flower guy's story]
Today at my shop, some guy ordered flowers and a cake for his friend. When I went to deliver, the same guy was there! Now he must know i'm too poor to hire any staff. FML.

By Inspired22 | 11

#2984313 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:42

I wonder if he actually remembered you. I'm sure he sees a gazillion faces a day, and when I worked customer service, I personally forgot most of the people I talked to. If he did remember you, don't worry about it! It's your birthday! There is nothing wrong with treating yourself! :-)

ixheartxyou | 1

#2985883 - Thursday 28 July 2011 11:54

LOL

By Fahrenheit63 | 5

#2984330 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:47

that is why I order them online xD

By this_female | 0

#2984336 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:51

hahaha aww

muchagente | 5

#2984411 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:49

yeah man, rub it in...

By Mirorbo | 26

#2984341 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:53

Darling, you really shouldn't care. It's not like the fellow knows you personally and is going to be going on Facebook saying "LOL Tina ordered a birthday cake for herself! LOSER".

Just keep your head cool, enjoy your cake, and relax on your special day.

Mirorbo | 26

#2985389 - Thursday 28 July 2011 2:44

No lie, that was the first female name to pop into my mind. 8|

I don't even KNOW anyone named Tina!

elite_stoner | 0

#3008019 - Sunday 31 July 2011 12:22

it's anon ;) lmao I'm a stalker