Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some...

By anon - 27/7/2011 00:01 - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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Miscellaneous

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Territorial pissings

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By montanadinosaur - 26/4/2015 04:05 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

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By FMLimsomad - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Columbia City

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house after working a night shift. The door was locked and, so I wouldn't wake his parents, I called him. Twelve times. Each call went to voicemail and I was left standing outside in the freezing rain until he finally let me in. What was he doing? Playing video games. FML

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By fazzems - 7/8/2009 03:10 - Canada

Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML

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By cheated - 31/1/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By danikka1 - 11/3/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

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By dieders - 21/11/2016 06:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

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By newdad - 6/9/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

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By KS - 17/2/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML

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By Rohirus - 7/6/2012 23:09 - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 15:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

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By Maddie - 20/6/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

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By ugh - 14/6/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML

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By TabbiNicole - 15/7/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I had a woman accuse me of trying to steal her husband over the phone, just because I called and asked for him. I'm an interviewer. FML

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By jennabean - 12/8/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By sparkrok - 6/3/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

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By Flipside - 2/5/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

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By AzNFoo - 26/3/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my friends and me had a little water balloon fight and somehow it led to throwing water balloons at cars. We all decided to hit a car all at once, after one came by we all hit it. The car stopped and started flashing bright blue lights. We ended up hitting an off-duty police car. FML

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By milf - 6/8/2012 01:10 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

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By Artic - 12/4/2011 04:00 - United States

Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML

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By :( - 6/6/2013 23:37 - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2016 07:58 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

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By maxiflouf - 28/12/2009 09:50 - France

Today, someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn't heard from him in years. He insisted that we met up as soon as possible, and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer. Since then, no news. FML

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By Anon - 27/2/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2014 03:00 - United States

Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of wine and still be sober. This means I've built immunity to the last thing that can make me want to have sex with him. FML

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By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

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By Cellphonetroubles - 19/11/2009 07:36 - Canada

Today, I was laughing at a story of a girl who had dropped her cellphone in a hottub and ruined it. As I was feeling pretty good about myself, I then realized that my cellphone was in the pocket of a sweater that I had just thrown in the washer 20 minutes prior. FML

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By howcanihelpyou - 14/8/2018 20:45 - United States - Wantagh

Today, while working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, my boss asked me to check in one more patient before I left. He paid his $50 copay in nickels and dimes. FML

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By VtecKickIn - 17/7/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

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By Ciara - 11/6/2012 20:44 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

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By Brookie Bear - 4/4/2017 20:00

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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By Foreveralone - 15/10/2019 00:01

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

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By internetloser - 16/8/2017 16:15 - United States - Kewaskum

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How you may ask? He used the adult swim "we should see other people" commercial. FML

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By BarBacked - 15/4/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By JustSom - 5/5/2015 02:03 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

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By Gen - 16/12/2008 07:05 - France

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

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Top comments

By ambizzles | 6

#2984303 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

It could still be "for your friend." Oh btw, Happy Birthday!!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2984308 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:41

Time to pull out the good old imaginary friend story. I still have one. His name is Alejandro. Excuse me, I think he's calling.

COMMENTS

By crisspz | 4

#2984289 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:35

awkward!!!

ShyAnn29 | 14

#2984397 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:30

now you get flowers and a cake! I wouldn't complain, just enjoy it!!

OWNZ | 0

#2984807 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 18:21

Were you lonely because your son forgot about your birthday, and then made you pay for dinner after he left his wallet in the cab...?

asaa1212 | 0

#2990673 - Friday 29 July 2011 3:31

38, i read that fml lol nice one

btown1616 | 0

#3073768 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 22:16

ummm hello? screw the delivery guy?

By turkishjew | 0

#2984296 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:37

do you not have friends or something

AlejandraaxD | 0

#2984399 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:32

I believe that's what she meant by "loneliness."

By rocketeer_97 | 1

#2984301 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

Aw, that sucks OP. You should really try & go make some friends so that won't happen!
happy bithday!

gitb | 0

#2989518 - Thursday 28 July 2011 23:28

yeeah happy birthdaaay!

By ambizzles | 6

#2984303 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:40

It could still be "for your friend." Oh btw, Happy Birthday!!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2984308 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:41

Time to pull out the good old imaginary friend story. I still have one. His name is Alejandro. Excuse me, I think he's calling.

chuksnwali | 34

#5974925 - Saturday 14 June 2014 6:28

constantine

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2984311 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:46

Tell him it's for your roommate then take the cake and eat that chocolate fudge monster you bought for yourself

Friaza | 29

#2985121 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:02

[Flower guy's story]
Today at my shop, some guy ordered flowers and a cake for his friend. When I went to deliver, the same guy was there! Now he must know i'm too poor to hire any staff. FML.

By Inspired22 | 11

#2984313 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:42

I wonder if he actually remembered you. I'm sure he sees a gazillion faces a day, and when I worked customer service, I personally forgot most of the people I talked to. If he did remember you, don't worry about it! It's your birthday! There is nothing wrong with treating yourself! :-)

ixheartxyou | 1

#2985883 - Thursday 28 July 2011 11:54

LOL

By Fahrenheit63 | 5

#2984330 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:47

that is why I order them online xD

By this_female | 0

#2984336 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:51

hahaha aww

muchagente | 5

#2984411 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 10:49

yeah man, rub it in...

By Mirorbo | 26

#2984341 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 9:53

Darling, you really shouldn't care. It's not like the fellow knows you personally and is going to be going on Facebook saying "LOL Tina ordered a birthday cake for herself! LOSER".

Just keep your head cool, enjoy your cake, and relax on your special day.

Mirorbo | 26

#2985389 - Thursday 28 July 2011 2:44

No lie, that was the first female name to pop into my mind. 8|

I don't even KNOW anyone named Tina!

elite_stoner | 0

#3008019 - Sunday 31 July 2011 12:22

it's anon ;) lmao I'm a stalker