Love: Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that... - FML

By suckishbf - 28/04/2011 02:41 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 807

You deserved it 6 735

Good kid

Compromises

The sweet smell of success

By fijiflu - 05/11/2015 21:31

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 473

You deserved it 1 516

This is America

By ChiefKoala - 20/10/2019 22:00

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 566

You deserved it 209

By ouch - 20/02/2019 18:00

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 977

You deserved it 616

By h4rdy - 09/03/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 169

You deserved it 37 010

By killmenow - 03/12/2015 05:33 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 188

You deserved it 2 612

By Anonymous - 20/08/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 454

You deserved it 4 389

By yourmainman - 28/01/2013 05:03 - Canada

Spicy

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 728

You deserved it 15 872

Noise Annoys

By Anonymous - 24/03/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, I'm dead on my feet. My flatmate's alarm went off for 20 minutes at 5 a.m., which I heard and he didn't. A car alarm went off outside my window for half an hour at 7 a.m. My building fire alarm went off twice, at 8 and 8:10 a.m. Just let me sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 192

You deserved it 143

Can't wait for the next time

By cowboy_gold - 25/01/2020 05:00

Spicy

Today, I came back to my dorm only to hear my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was just thinking when I said, "At least do it against the other wall," but when I was left later on, he walked by, apologized and said that he thought I wasn't home, and promised to be more quiet next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 797

You deserved it 475

By Amy - 10/05/2012 19:14 - Canada - Prince George

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 941

You deserved it 5 223

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 05:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I came home from a rough day working two jobs to find a plate of cookies on my desk with a note from my roommates saying, "You deserve it!" I happily broke one in half to eat and discovered they contained coconut. I'm allergic to coconut, a fact both of my roommates are aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 397

You deserved it 3 720

By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 04:44 - United States - Lewisville

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 980

You deserved it 3 673

By notmyfault - 14/01/2016 22:21 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 446

You deserved it 1 882

By ¬_¬ - 27/07/2013 22:43 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my dad walked in on me filming a Harlem Shake video. He stared for a moment, said "Son, I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but... nevermind." then shook his head and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 333

You deserved it 26 540

By jnp414 - 29/05/2016 01:11 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 456

You deserved it 1 507

By elipses - 22/08/2009 04:43 - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 033

You deserved it 2 981

By mattttbob - 04/02/2012 10:16 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 467

You deserved it 35 888

By mrrichkid - 06/03/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 937

You deserved it 3 681

By Ackbar - 27/02/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 622

You deserved it 15 430

By Jim - 12/04/2018 01:30

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 492

You deserved it 214

By ouch - 26/03/2011 02:27

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 133

You deserved it 5 426

By Iswearihavegoodhygiene - 04/11/2018 05:00

Today, I popped a zit that had formed around an ingrown hair "down there". It popped with so much force, the pus hit me in the forehead. Still can't get the hair out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 251

Get rid of the evidence!

By Anonymous - 18/08/2020 17:11

Today, while my roommate was taking a bath, I became horribly sick out of nowhere. Since the bathroom was occupied, I ended up having explosive diarrhea in an Amazon box in my bedroom, which I immediately ran out to the dumpster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 133

By skeletor - 18/02/2009 03:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 902

You deserved it 21 429

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 03:14

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 302

You deserved it 1 312

By Silverfeathery - 02/12/2014 02:06

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 737

You deserved it 3 717

By oxbonxo - 07/02/2011 08:38 - Australia

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 530

You deserved it 6 143

By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 769

You deserved it 54 366

By Jailbird - 09/06/2017 17:00 - United States - Redmond

Today, I took a group of teens with me to hang up posters for our church's yard sale. Because it's summer, we went out at dusk to beat the heat. Someone called the cops on us, and we were arrested for "gang activity". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 211

You deserved it 539

By so sad no dad - 15/08/2019 06:00

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 529

You deserved it 257

By Ugh - 13/09/2015 06:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 245

You deserved it 5 843

Sounds like a keeper, actually

By Anonymous - 16/04/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Spicy

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 1 179

By pimplesapparently - 18/02/2016 20:17 - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 127

You deserved it 2 755

By PukinFireman - 17/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 068

You deserved it 5 084

By nikkrissa_04 - 07/08/2009 11:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 933

You deserved it 12 089

By cantfallbackasleep - 22/10/2015 14:05 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 638

You deserved it 5 329

Go to drunk, you're sleep

By Anonymous - 21/10/2021 16:00 - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend, who was half asleep at 3 am, saying he was yelling my name because he needed toilet paper. We don’t even live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 676

You deserved it 75

By ouharguohargssdf - 28/09/2013 21:01 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 328

You deserved it 2 882

By tsakashvili - 26/05/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I decided to scare my 10 year old sister for fun. I hid behind a door and leapt out, shouting "Boo!" when she walked by. She burst into tears and ran screaming to my mom. My mom thought I'd hit my sister, and was so angry that she punched me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 761

You deserved it 18 870

By pathetic - 06/11/2013 13:04 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 946

You deserved it 22 531

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Top comments

iSitt 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:33

you've trained him well

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:45

At least he didn't leave your birthday present in the toilet.

Comments

iSitt 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:33

you've trained him well

ZombieeeeUnicorn 1

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:51

:D

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:03

Does she expect more from him?

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:06

she sure did train him well. because he sounds like a pretty genuine guy !

callofduty4life 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:17

Is she too stupid to look before she sits?

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:20

he's def a keeper!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:31

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I've decided to put down the toilet seat as her present, because she can't stop whining about it everyday. Even after, she still is. FML

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:19

atleast he remembered!! but hey I'd bitch about the nice things he does too!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 12:01

seems like a great present to me..

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:06

maybe for your next anniversary he'll wash his hands as well :0

liquidfireKAN 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:33

shit, that sucks... well for his bday giv him a bj and blow:p

littlemissFYL 5

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:46

you bitch, stop bitching, bitch.

cupcakemann95 7

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:58

I hate it when my brothers do that

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Thursday 28 April 2011 16:13

Contradicting. your dp is little miss sunshine, but you don't type like one.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 16:29

she's probably one of those girls who ALWAYS complains about toilet seats and men.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 18:59

just sit down, and take your whiz, you ungrateful bastard!

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Friday 29 April 2011 0:26

funny how over half of these replies have nothing to do with the original comment theyre replying to and all the people just want their comment at the top.

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Friday 29 April 2011 4:36

thanks for that stunning report captian obvious! Glad to have you in our group!

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Friday 29 April 2011 7:19

don't get used to it

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Wednesday 4 May 2011 18:05

ydi for always expecting gifts a simple happy birthday is enuff for me but if he flushed and pulled down the seat i would show my appretiation cuz at least he thought of u and just maybe he will keep doing it if u acknowledge it so stop complaining plz

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Monday 9 April 2012 15:49

Fuck u smell like shitty bumhole

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:35

well. happy birthday. :o

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:02

makes you wonder what he does for their anniversary

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:05

yeah. :/

omfgTACOsYeSs 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:08

it's more like what happens when he forgets there anniversary xP Today, was boyfriend forgot our anniversary. FML. but it's technically FHL kuz she'll never stop bitchin' about it !! :)

omfgTACOsYeSs 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:10

**my** whoops xP

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:47

I like your picture >.> mmm..tacos (;

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:12

I wonder what'll happen on christmas.. he actually changes the toilet paper?

Accept 11

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:36

+1 for boyfriend.

omfgTACOsYeSs 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:14

-1 for you:)

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:37

-2 for you :P

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:27

+1 xp for your boyfriend. Your boyfriend has leveled up! Your boyfriend wants to learn a new move, but he has to forget one... Your boyfriend has forgotten Remember Birthday and learned Put Down Seat!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:47

It's super effective!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 16:39

it's the little things that capture their hearts....well played op's bf....

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Friday 29 April 2011 2:18

Girlfriend has fainted!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:37

Awe how sweet.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:39

Good! he's learning

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:39

your boyfriends a douche

Death_From_Above 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:39

what more do you want from him?

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Thursday 28 April 2011 12:47

I agree

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:40

It's my birthday too ^^ I hope I get better presents though :O

iLazy 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:00

Happy birthday. Your existence is your present, whether you choose to accept it or not.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:29

Happy Birthday! I'm an April baby too. Diamonds are our birth stone!!!(:

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:42

happy bday

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:54

I'll make sure to put the seat down. c:

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:24

I just turned 18 last Friday! You know why being born in April is great? 1- it's jazz appreciation month 2- it's national poetry month 3- you're birth stone is a diamond!

NineFishMffns_fml 0

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Thursday 28 April 2011 18:43

Happy bday and sorry op, caca bf you have :d

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:44

Take what you can get!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:45

At least he didn't leave your birthday present in the toilet.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:49

That's definitely what I read the first time haha

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Thursday 28 April 2011 9:10

14 - Me too!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 10:34

14 - Me three!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 12:20

I read that his present was a toilet seat...

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 15

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 59

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 255