Kids and School: Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday... - FML

By amy

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

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Season finale

Trip Advisor says no

Mr Sensitivity

By ken

Today, I took my girlfriend to a festival. The very first thing we saw when we got there was a guy being wheeled away by paramedics. She freaked out and demanded we leave. FML

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By hatty - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

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By Familyreject - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found out that my family has paid for and booked a trip to Dubai without me. They weren't going to tell me until they were about to board but since I was crying that my friend ditched me for my holiday, they thought they would let me know. FML

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By cheated - United States

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

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By achtung - United States

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By Joey

Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I beat her. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma wasn't feeling well, so I went to her house to check on her. After about 20 mins, I knew she was feeling better when she looked at me and said "So do you have a boyfriend yet? I pray everynight that I get to live long enough to see you with a boyfriend." FML

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By AngryBirdman

Today, my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because I look like the person she really wants to go out with. FML

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By DarkPhoenix - France

Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

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By devilboy - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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By inosehowthatgotthere - United States

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

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By anon - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Hammy - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

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By BrefODM - United Kingdom

Today, thanks to an efficient diet, I reached my target weight. Unfortunately, my chest has disappeared. My boyfriend suggested we have a funeral for my bras. FML

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By not as scarred as he should be - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML

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By shitday - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, a cyclone hit my city. Though everywhere else is flooding, my house is fine. Well, that was until the toilet decided to overflow and regurgitate the entire town's sewerage. So now my only bathroom is covered in sewage, and I can't go anywhere else because of the flooding. FML

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By AyDiosMio42 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML

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By Riskreh - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Man child, part 2

Today, I was told I'm lazy by my boyfriend because I skipped work. He skips his all the time and when I get home still have to cook and clean up after him. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Alings?s

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

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By captain patch beard

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By superhero1043 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By noname - France

Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML

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By TheywearintheDIRTYlaundrybasket!

Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML

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By laurenh211 - 17/11/2020 17:02 - United Kingdom

It was the painkillers, I swear

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having painful surgery, so I decided to make him a nice big breakfast. As I was taking it up to him, I heard a message on the phone. It was from one of his nurses. She was accepting his offer of a date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML

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By thathurt - United States

Today, my college economics class had a big test. We all needed a scantron sheet, but some people forgot some. I had an extra one and this really hot girl offered to buy it for $1.00. I said I'd give it to her for her number. She looked around and asked "Does anyone else have an extra?" FML

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By PissedAtLife - United States

Today, I was invited to a counseling group for people with emotional problems. I brought the permission slip home for my mom to sign, only for her to accuse me of being a hypochondriacal, lazy, selfish bitch. And my friends wonder why I have problems. FML

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By Gabi - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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By suspicious - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm being admitted to the hospital for severe exhaustion. Why am I exhausted? For spending 12 hours at the hospital while my sister gave birth. The same hospital I'm being admitted to. FML

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Top comments

By buckdharma | 36

#7655398 - Saturday 30 June 2018 19:06

Happy Birthday, Amy!
Here's hoping this day is everything you wish for, and more!

By real life problems | 26

#7655404 - Saturday 30 June 2018 19:51

Happy Birthday!

COMMENTS

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7655397 - Saturday 30 June 2018 19:06

Dursleys

By buckdharma | 36

#7655398 - Saturday 30 June 2018 19:06

Happy Birthday, Amy!
Here's hoping this day is everything you wish for, and more!

By real life problems | 26

#7655404 - Saturday 30 June 2018 19:51

Happy Birthday!

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7655407 - Saturday 30 June 2018 20:02

And at midnight, they all turn back into frogs.

By Mal2003 | 17

#7655411 - Saturday 30 June 2018 20:06

Happy birthday, don't scrub too hard.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7655422 - Saturday 30 June 2018 20:42

Happy birthday, Amy! I hope Kif got you something nice.

By Canadian0622 | 17

#7655429 - Saturday 30 June 2018 20:49

Sounds like my birthday this year low key 😂

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7655444 - Saturday 30 June 2018 21:35

Happy birthday do you have friends to celebrate with

By DanaeZee | 18

#7655447 - Saturday 30 June 2018 21:48

Harry, it's about time to tell you that Petunia and Vernon are NOT your parents!

By tounces7 | 27

#7655502 - Sunday 1 July 2018 1:34

And this is why the current generations of kids are turning out horrible. Because their parents are uncaring garbage.

Reply

Rabite | 28

#7655611 - Sunday 1 July 2018 12:54

You might wanna have a discussion with some of the many people, who think that parents nowadays care too much and only raise "snowflakes".