Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college...

By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

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Miscellaneous

Breaking Badly

Boom, headshot

A beautiful truck decoration

By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2009 08:50 - Australia

Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I'm still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying "Don't worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don't go for looks. You'll be fine". FML

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By shaifox96 - 17/4/2015 03:34 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

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By Cpt_Concerned - 22/9/2009 04:37 - Canada

Today, I realized that my alcoholism has gotten so bad that I rotate liquor stores so the clerks don't think bad about me. FML

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By Ezzie - 29/8/2018 03:30

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

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By Pongy - 12/11/2013 05:31

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By soontobedumped - 15/1/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 21:15 - United States

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

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By thisistypical - 14/9/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

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By Dan1021 - 4/2/2012 19:31 - France

Today, after telling my girlfriend that I loved her, she dumped me claiming I was getting "too attached". I've already spent almost $400 on her Valentine's Day present. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 07:37

Slight overreaction?

Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

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By turdburger - 2/9/2009 05:56 - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

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By brokenarm - 3/3/2010 16:46 - Germany

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

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By KnowWhereYourTowelIs - 14/8/2013 07:13 - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I won a year's supply of bath bombs in a competition. I live in a tiny flat by myself with only a shower. I also have to find somewhere to put the bath bombs. FML

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By Username - 12/5/2011 06:17

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - 13/5/2014 21:02 - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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By failureatlife - 27/4/2014 19:16 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

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By granny_panties - 18/4/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML

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By more than I wanted to know - 13/5/2013 19:10 - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2015 14:47 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 08:07 - Australia - Boronia

Today, after supporting my girlfriend for over a year in her endeavour to lose weight, exercise more, and eat better, my now-slender girlfriend dumped me. Because now she find someone better than me. FML

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By imma ture - 10/8/2015 17:04

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

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By baberuth - 19/6/2015 22:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 11:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML

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By brandiboobarry - 29/11/2010 06:01

Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 14:00

Sneaky

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2015 05:35

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

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By asparagus piss - 19/10/2012 17:05 - United States - Tifton

Today, after having loaned my girlfriend money after she claimed to be broke and unable to pay her rent and electricity bills, she went out, spent it all on a new purse and phone, and now refuses to pay me back. FML

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By nana. - 15/2/2009 15:29 - Canada

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2018 01:30

Today, I was called a "disabled buzzkill" for not letting someone pet my service dog. FML

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By SFra - 24/10/2012 01:19 - United States

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

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By anonymous - 11/8/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

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By Genuine D - 13/5/2017 08:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML

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By Cammy - 29/4/2009 07:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed off. I kicked a soccer ball into my wall, and it bounced back, hit my head and knocked me into the wall behind me. My head hurts like hell. Even inanimate objects hate me. FML

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By GeneralElement - 19/2/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By actionboy116 - 21/7/2015 06:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

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By mommyfairy - 12/3/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

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Top comments

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6102189 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

Hey at least that shows how much she cares about you that despite losing so much of her memory, she still remembered your birthday! Besides, lots of people that care about me wouldn't remember my birthday without some reminder!

By devildog562 | 33

#6102192 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

A mother never forgets. Sorry about your mom op.

COMMENTS

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6102189 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

sayyestothedress | 24

#6102259 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:35

With Facebook and Twitter and all those reminder shits, it's hard to forget!

foxwasalamb | 24

#6102293 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:53

nowadays the real impressive feat is if you have their phone number memorized

laddoo | 3

#6102296 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:55

precisely #1 and OP happy birthday! cheers and don't be sad, be glad for those who remember it.

nix1993 | 41

#6102301 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:56

15 year olds get way better presents than 20 year olds anyway.

SammyS2012 | 21

#6102483 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 2:29

My sister and I were discussing this a little while ago. When you're young, you get tun, cool birthday gifts.

when you're around 20 and up, you're lucky if you get money so you can pay your bills/gas :(

1947Chevy | 17

#6102626 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:02

28 not everyone pays attention to those. Most of my reminders get buried in a bunch of other stuff do I never see them till it's to late

garrett_8614 | 14

#6102653 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:53

I think the FML here is that no one else remembered OPs birthday. At least that's what it looks like to me

By Poofhereiam | 13

#6102190 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

At least she remembered!!

By Mattlozano12 | 15

#6102191 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

Sucks :/

deejay109 | 8

#6102595 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:07

c'mon man you couldn't put more effort then "sucks" in a comment?

rebelbelle | 17

#6102604 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:15

there is a button for tgat you know...

warsun | 27

#6102672 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 7:17

He did, ":/"

Mattlozano12 | 15

#6102812 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 13:18

You guys make me cry everytime

By devildog562 | 33

#6102192 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

A mother never forgets. Sorry about your mom op.

By sarahxwasxhere | 23

#6102193 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

its cause she loves you :)

By managator | 5

#6102194 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

You go to college and everyone forgets about you.

badluckalex | 23

#6102256 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:32

so true. when you leave for college is when you realize who your true friends are

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#6102197 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:03

At least she remembered! Be more optimistic and hug your mommy! ^_^

By Roxy1620 | 5

#6102200 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

I'm sorry about your mom, but it goes to show how much she cares!! Happy birthday!!

By Mauskau | 35

#6102203 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

Well you're 15 again, might be a good thing, no? I hope your mum gets better. Perhaps your family didn't want to throw anything in case it upset your mum in her confusion.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6102207 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:05

Very sorry to hear about your mother, I hope she has a quick recovery :)