Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college...

By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

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Miscellaneous

Boozehound

Dad jokes, part 43884

Does it taste good?

By SadMom - 21/12/2016 15:56

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

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By - 20/2/2020 14:00

My alarm

Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex like apes, and couldn't get back to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2012 18:31 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2016 03:29 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my father-in-law is still introducing me to family friends as his son's girlfriend. I have been married to his son for 5 years, we have a child together and another on the way. FML

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By purplepixie23 - 22/9/2018 14:00

Today, it's -5°C outside and snowing and it's only September. If that wasn’t bad enough, we aren't allowed to have the heat on at work due to a menopausal monster who loses her shit and throws things if we turn it on. I can't feel my toes. FML

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By ohmygosh - 21/7/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

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By Scarred for life - 13/3/2020 08:00

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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By Lee - 10/4/2012 03:50 - United States

Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML

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By uglyallover - 20/9/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

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By ollie179 - 15/8/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2014 16:01 - United States - Orange

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 14:00

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By Celluloid - 29/4/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

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By ballbreath - 16/7/2014 15:44 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

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By bruh - 28/3/2017 20:00

Unexpected

Today, I asked my girlfriend to prom. Instead of saying yes, she broke up with me. FML

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By zoearcu - 17/4/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

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By Username - 1/1/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

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By Cindy1897 - 27/8/2017 20:00

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed and took the pain medicine that the oral surgeon prescribed for me before bed. The pain actually did go away for the most part, until my stomach decided to betray me and make me throw up, forcing my jaw to open more than it could after surgery. FML

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By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - 31/5/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

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By Klamp18 - 20/12/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I decided to attach fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

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By FoundMyLighter - 21/11/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, my jeep wouldn't start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep's hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll... with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

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By I know nothing - 5/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2017 05:00 - United States - Fresno

Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML

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By ccc - 15/5/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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By Alex - 16/1/2009 09:40 - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

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By sucks4me - 18/6/2011 04:45 - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 05:04 - United States - Placentia

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML

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By dude i am so sorry - 19/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

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By englishtrio - 18/4/2009 06:45 - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2017 05:00

C'est la langue de l'amour!

Today, my French teacher set up a role-play scenario to act out in front of the class. During one of my lines, I mispronounced a phrase and called my teacher sexy. FML

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By notahomewrecker - 9/1/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML

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By forkmylife - 19/5/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2017 04:00

Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML

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By Username - 11/1/2011 09:45

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

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By KereKris - 1/12/2016 19:18

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

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By No Nip - 25/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 20:21 - United States

Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband's farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it's hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2014 19:37

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

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By pacelily - 30/8/2016 20:32 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

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Top comments

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6102189 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

Hey at least that shows how much she cares about you that despite losing so much of her memory, she still remembered your birthday! Besides, lots of people that care about me wouldn't remember my birthday without some reminder!

By devildog562 | 33

#6102192 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

A mother never forgets. Sorry about your mom op.

Comments

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6102189 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

sayyestothedress | 24

#6102259 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:35

With Facebook and Twitter and all those reminder shits, it's hard to forget!

foxwasalamb | 24

#6102293 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:53

nowadays the real impressive feat is if you have their phone number memorized

laddoo | 3

#6102296 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:55

precisely #1 and OP happy birthday! cheers and don't be sad, be glad for those who remember it.

nix1993 | 41

#6102301 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:56

15 year olds get way better presents than 20 year olds anyway.

SammyS2012 | 21

#6102483 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 2:29

My sister and I were discussing this a little while ago. When you're young, you get tun, cool birthday gifts.

when you're around 20 and up, you're lucky if you get money so you can pay your bills/gas :(

1947Chevy | 17

#6102626 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:02

28 not everyone pays attention to those. Most of my reminders get buried in a bunch of other stuff do I never see them till it's to late

garrett_8614 | 14

#6102653 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:53

I think the FML here is that no one else remembered OPs birthday. At least that's what it looks like to me

By Poofhereiam | 13

#6102190 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

At least she remembered!!

By Mattlozano12 | 15

#6102191 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

Sucks :/

deejay109 | 8

#6102595 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:07

c'mon man you couldn't put more effort then "sucks" in a comment?

rebelbelle | 17

#6102604 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:15

there is a button for tgat you know...

warsun | 27

#6102672 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 7:17

He did, ":/"

Mattlozano12 | 15

#6102812 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 13:18

You guys make me cry everytime

By devildog562 | 33

#6102192 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

A mother never forgets. Sorry about your mom op.

By sarahxwasxhere | 23

#6102193 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

its cause she loves you :)

By managator | 5

#6102194 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

You go to college and everyone forgets about you.

badluckalex | 23

#6102256 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:32

so true. when you leave for college is when you realize who your true friends are

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#6102197 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:03

At least she remembered! Be more optimistic and hug your mommy! ^_^

By Roxy1620 | 5

#6102200 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

I'm sorry about your mom, but it goes to show how much she cares!! Happy birthday!!

By Mauskau | 35

#6102203 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

Well you're 15 again, might be a good thing, no? I hope your mum gets better. Perhaps your family didn't want to throw anything in case it upset your mum in her confusion.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6102207 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:05

Very sorry to hear about your mother, I hope she has a quick recovery :)