Miscellaneous: Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college...

By Anonymous - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

Triage

Spy vs. Spy

By justmeagain

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

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By thanksalotdickhead - 14/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Jumping the gun

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend was planning on proposing to me tomorrow. I found out after receiving a couple of a dozen texts from friends and relatives bitching me out for not telling them. Apparently, my dad thought it would be appropriate to make the announcement for me on his Facebook page. FML

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By millie14225

Today, I live in a household of 3 people, with only one vehicle. My transmission blew right after working 16 straight hours. I had to walk 6 miles home, not to mention figure out work tomorrow. Now my oldest, who does not live with me, is pissed because it is an "inconvenience" for her. FML

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By IHateMySister - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

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By stillshakinggd - United States

Today, I was mugged at gunpoint by a senior citizen. She now has a lousy $20, and I probably have PTSD. FML

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By Dannikins - 5/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Don't hate the playa…

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 19:58

The art of seduction

Today, I took a bath and dressed in a skimpy lingerie. I sat on the couch for an hour and a half before giving up and putting on my boyfriend's old t shirt. It was then that he decided to comment. On the t shirt I was wearing. FML

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By Claire - United States - Parkville

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

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By bnc - United States - Jefferson City

Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were: "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML

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By senelbeat - United States

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

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By LifeSucks - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

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By PlagueFace - 17/7/2020 17:01

Spotted

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

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By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elko

Today, my boss yet again said she was "literally dying", after she watched a funny video online. Long story short, I'm now on her shitlist because I couldn't help but point out that she clearly wasn't dying, and that her ranting was distracting me from doing actual work. FML

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By SingleGirl - United Kingdom

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my little brother. He was looking at me and says "so cool." I asked him what was so cool and he says "it's not that cool but, your eyebrow connects to your other eyebrow". FML

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By random - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I stretched really hard when I woke up, only to feel something twang. This was followed by a really sharp pain. Thinking I'd given myself a hernia, I got up to check myself in the mirror, and was repulsed by the bulge I saw hanging out of my gut. Then I realised it was just my own flab. FML

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By why does the world hate me - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister got her car insurance quote in the mail. You would think it would go way up after being charged with reckless driving. It went up $1 per month. My insurance went up $100 per month after I tapped someone's bumper a year ago. I wasn't even charged. FML

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By heat pumps suck

Today, since moving to a state with relatively milder winters last year, my heating bill has more than doubled. I am now paying more to keep my new apartment at 62 when it is 20 outside, than what I was paying to keep my ancient apartment at 70 when it was minus 14 outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 05:01

Move it, now!

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

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By fuck - United States

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norristown

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

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By BagelShmear - United States

Today, while working the cash register at my job, a little kid was running around with products while his mom was checking out. She told him she was going to give me his PSP if he didn't stop. He responded by throwing a bag of coffee beans at my face. I didn't even get to keep his PSP. FML

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By blaise - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she responded, "You were the other guy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the nerve to tell my parents that I'm no longer going to pay them a flat percent of my salary, but only what they need to cover my expenses. Their response: "Better find a place of your own then, you freeloading bastard." FML

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By Mark Allan - United States - Alexandria

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

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By bluewinter - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

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By CreeperKiller2000

Dude! Come on!

Today, I woke up really out of it, and as I was walking into the kitchen, I stubbed my toe on a tile. I sat down, then got up and stubbed the same toe against the table, went over to the kitchen and stubbed the same toe on the same tile again. FML

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By Theo - United States

Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML

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By Moeswifey - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

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By esk - China

Today, I got my medical checkup back. Apparently, I'm diagnosed with a liver condition generally found in alcoholics. I've never drank in my life. FML

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By Kammy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

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By youfuckingdumbassmum - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Blah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed throwing a football in the air and catching it. I missed a catch, and the ball hit me between the legs. I shoved my hands down my pants because it hurt, just as my step-dad walked into the room and saw me holding my crotch and moaning. FML

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By Rebecca - United States - Bloomfield

Today, my mom admitted that the only reason she took me out for lunch was because she felt guilty over going on a massive shopping spree for my sister while I was forced to stay home alone. I thanked her for the Wendy's meal anyway. FML

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By Can I press charges? - Australia - Hamilton

Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

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Top comments

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6102189 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

Hey at least that shows how much she cares about you that despite losing so much of her memory, she still remembered your birthday! Besides, lots of people that care about me wouldn't remember my birthday without some reminder!

By devildog562 | 33

#6102192 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

A mother never forgets. Sorry about your mom op.

COMMENTS

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6102189 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

sayyestothedress | 24

#6102259 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:35

With Facebook and Twitter and all those reminder shits, it's hard to forget!

foxwasalamb | 24

#6102293 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:53

nowadays the real impressive feat is if you have their phone number memorized

laddoo | 3

#6102296 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:55

precisely #1 and OP happy birthday! cheers and don't be sad, be glad for those who remember it.

nix1993 | 41

#6102301 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:56

15 year olds get way better presents than 20 year olds anyway.

SammyS2012 | 21

#6102483 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 2:29

My sister and I were discussing this a little while ago. When you're young, you get tun, cool birthday gifts.

when you're around 20 and up, you're lucky if you get money so you can pay your bills/gas :(

1947Chevy | 17

#6102626 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:02

28 not everyone pays attention to those. Most of my reminders get buried in a bunch of other stuff do I never see them till it's to late

garrett_8614 | 14

#6102653 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 6:53

I think the FML here is that no one else remembered OPs birthday. At least that's what it looks like to me

By Poofhereiam | 13

#6102190 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

At least she remembered!!

By Mattlozano12 | 15

#6102191 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

Sucks :/

deejay109 | 8

#6102595 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:07

c'mon man you couldn't put more effort then "sucks" in a comment?

rebelbelle | 17

#6102604 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 5:15

there is a button for tgat you know...

warsun | 27

#6102672 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 7:17

He did, ":/"

Mattlozano12 | 15

#6102812 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 13:18

You guys make me cry everytime

By devildog562 | 33

#6102192 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:01

A mother never forgets. Sorry about your mom op.

By sarahxwasxhere | 23

#6102193 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

its cause she loves you :)

By managator | 5

#6102194 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

You go to college and everyone forgets about you.

badluckalex | 23

#6102256 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:32

so true. when you leave for college is when you realize who your true friends are

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#6102197 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:03

At least she remembered! Be more optimistic and hug your mommy! ^_^

By Roxy1620 | 5

#6102200 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

I'm sorry about your mom, but it goes to show how much she cares!! Happy birthday!!

By Mauskau | 35

#6102203 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

Well you're 15 again, might be a good thing, no? I hope your mum gets better. Perhaps your family didn't want to throw anything in case it upset your mum in her confusion.

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6102207 - Monday 27 October 2014 22:05

Very sorry to hear about your mother, I hope she has a quick recovery :)