Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay...

By stoprubbingitinmyface - 21/3/2015 21:59 - United States - Tacoma

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Family values

Goodbye Bill

By -_- - 30/8/2013 20:31 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I woke up to a warm bed, the morning sunlight bathing my face, and my boyfriend sneaking my credit card out of my purse. FML

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By Well this Is Awkward - 17/12/2013 20:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend gave me his theory on how the world would be a better place if Hitler had won the 2nd World War. FML

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By jack - 27/8/2015 10:56 - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

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By ALO - 21/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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By cullenthegreat - 25/8/2016 16:26 - United States - Villanova

Today, on my second morning at college, I tried to make coffee using my Keurig. I realized after I got back from my shower that I hadn't put a cup under the machine. All 3 drawers of my dresser are now filled with coffee. FML

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By raynbowsend - 23/4/2009 05:22 - Malaysia

Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 20:11 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

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By lovethyneighbour - 4/8/2014 00:19 - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

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By daughterofanazi - 8/2/2012 05:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

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By How strange - 20/4/2013 12:02 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was in the kitchen, he got three text messages, all of which were from "Babe 2", "Babe 3", and "Babe 4". FML

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By Liam. - 1/2/2010 05:15 - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said 'Nice chair.' She replied 'Nice bruise' and punched me in the nuts. FML

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By loserr - 28/2/2014 17:13 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

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By howcanihelpyou - 14/8/2018 20:45 - United States - Wantagh

Today, while working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, my boss asked me to check in one more patient before I left. He paid his $50 copay in nickels and dimes. FML

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By hail science! - 21/4/2020 08:00

Heretic!

Today, my sister-in-law is refusing to let me or my children be a part of her kids' lives. She’s even going as far as trying to make my brother stop speaking to us as well. Why? Simply because I'm an atheist. FML

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By Dixienornous - 3/6/2016 11:05 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

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By Ben - 19/8/2013 06:21 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that if someone flushes a toilet the same time I'm starting the washing machine, my house will flood. FML

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By torkx3 - 21/7/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 04:25 - United States

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/4/2020 23:00

Boozehound alert

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 08:08

Zoomers zooming

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

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By Epithymia - 15/8/2016 15:09 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2012 00:00 - United States - Medina

Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - 9/9/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 11:26 - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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By CamoElla - 19/2/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while babysitting, one of the boys fell on an exposed pipe and broke it. It spewed water five feet into the air, spread water across four rooms, and completely soaked another of the boys. Their parents had only left fifteen minutes before. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 06:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

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By Pill popping zit monster - 23/12/2016 04:16

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

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By smoothies14 - 6/11/2015 17:29 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2011 06:22 - Australia

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2015 22:50 - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By RoommateWanted - 10/9/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

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By expassword - 17/12/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

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By Nickel - 1/6/2017 04:00

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 16:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

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By Damn - 5/6/2012 19:36 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By spiderwoman - 4/11/2012 17:12 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - 24/2/2009 13:43 - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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Top comments

By haileyrows | 26

#6239891 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:31

"My half the rent check, my rules too"

By ThatLobster | 24

#6239892 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:31

Just say "my body, my rules" back at her and stand in their room, or sit!

COMMENTS

By Cass_x | 22

#6239871 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:15

Great roommate you got there.. The least she could do is take your feelings in consideration and be a bit more quiet :/

anonymous100000 | 17

#6240647 - Monday 23 March 2015 3:53

I would invite her parents over:)

zykrithium | 22

#6242484 - Wednesday 25 March 2015 3:04

Well... she's not wrong...

By extrasnipes | 22

#6239872 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:15

You could go out with friends to get it off your mind and have fun maybe? But trying to cry and stuff your face works to.

SMHsohard | 22

#6239947 - Sunday 22 March 2015 13:45

Way to completely miss the point of the FML while still managing to judge the OP.

extrasnipes | 22

#6239966 - Sunday 22 March 2015 14:32

Im not judging im just stating its obvious shes not going to quiet down. May as well actually go out and be with her friends.

a1_z9 | 10

#6240089 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:47

Don't get why it's judging, staying home and crying may be most people's first reaction, but getting out of the house to spend time with people who care about you can work wonders!

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#6239876 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:18

"My body, my rule" has nothing to do with having loud sex. Your roommate is not only inconsiderate but vulgar and pretty dumb.

kaed | 16

#6240005 - Sunday 22 March 2015 15:37

But in this particular context, "My body, my rule" was not a good slogan.

DARKDAY07 | 16

#6240147 - Sunday 22 March 2015 18:06

I'm not sure why number#28 is being down voted I believe he was saying the fml ruined the slogan not #3s comment

By VoldooPed | 20

#6239877 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:19

It's incredibly inconsiderate but she does kinda have a point...

ProgMetalMan | 8

#6239956 - Sunday 22 March 2015 14:16

No she doesn't. It's a complete non-sequitur.

miss_amphetamine | 24

#6239958 - Sunday 22 March 2015 14:19

No, it's just inconsiderate.

natashamilan | 13

#6240079 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:39

No she doesnt. What her roommate is doing is completely selfish.

brookiesawr | 11

#6240354 - Sunday 22 March 2015 21:33

so her roommate isn't allowed to have awesome sex just because op got dumped? sometimes you can't be quiet.

By CandyPewPewPew | 29

#6239882 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:26

Just shove the chocolate into her mouth and say "My hand, my rules."

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6239917 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:55

Ever heard the phrase "don't threaten me with a good time..."?

By haileyrows | 26

#6239891 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:31

"My half the rent check, my rules too"

By ThatLobster | 24

#6239892 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:31

Just say "my body, my rules" back at her and stand in their room, or sit!

Cassandra2015 | 21

#6239938 - Sunday 22 March 2015 13:20

That would be more awkward , watching them have sex .

AndrewMoreira14 | 19

#6240014 - Sunday 22 March 2015 15:52

It would be more awkward if the roommate didn't care if she was watching and continued to have sex

trtnt25 | 19

#6240081 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:41

44 some people are into being watched

annihil8or | 15

#6240093 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:54

Right #7, because I'm sure her roommate left the door wide open or unlocked while having sex

Cortezthe1st | 23

#6240286 - Sunday 22 March 2015 19:59

And then tell her boyfriend if she's being that loud, then she's faking it.

howard007 | 18

#6240498 - Monday 23 March 2015 0:25

Sounds like the start of a porno

By Squygm | 7

#6239893 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:31

I would sit in the room with them, and if they object, it's your body and you can sit it wherever you please.

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6239920 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:56

Except that if they split the rent, it's not her room.

Tthug | 34

#6239924 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:59

#16, she just said "in my apartment". For all you know they're banging everywhere: living room couch, both beds, i the shower, kitchen counter, etc. OP, I recommend you just leave, go get coffee or something.

By TomeDr | 21

#6239898 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:42

Time to look for a new roommate.

By flyingmind_fml | 17

#6239899 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:42

u r such a drama queen !! y would u cry ?

doctorhook86 | 24

#6239907 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:47

#10: Just a guess, but I think it's because she got dumped. But what do I know? I only read the FML.

Fall3nAngel | 22

#6239908 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:48

Because she got dumped..

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6239923 - Sunday 22 March 2015 12:59

#10 has a point here... Who actually plans to cry and eat chocolate? Ok, everybody needs a good cry every now and then, but planning on stuffing your face is just going to drive your dating stock into the dirt.

miss_amphetamine | 24

#6239960 - Sunday 22 March 2015 14:24

Crying over the end of a relationship does not mean she is a "drama queen." Plus, OP said it's only been a week. The fact that she's hurting means it's totally normal to cry.

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6241254 - Monday 23 March 2015 18:33

Plus they could've been dating for years. In which case it's completely normal not to be over that in a week.