Miscellaneous: Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted... - FML

By Kensie - United States

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

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Late term

Time's up

Never flip flop and drive

By dummy - Canada

Today, my grandpa took out the family for dinner and paid for everyone. He paid the bill and my family and I were waiting by the door. I realised I probably should thank him for dinner. I turn around without thinking and give him a big hug and say thanks for dinner Grandpa. It wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML

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By ideserveit - Finland

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend after a fight. I told him the reason I was so irritable is because I'm on my period. He yelped in disgust and nearly fell out of bed. Good to know I'm dating a man-child. FML

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By Not-pregnant - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By walker - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By Ladieda - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, my parents think it's so hot outside that it's okay for them to work in the garden naked. FML

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By RickTooBomb - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By grizzlybear - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

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By yankesik - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

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By Kingofbosses - United States

Today, I moved into my university dorm a week before classes start. Everyone kept giving me weird looks as they watched me move my stuff in. Finally, one of my dorm mates asked me if I knew that school had actually started last week. I didn't. FML

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By religiunatic - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

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By Iwtumn - Austria - Deutschlandsberg

Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML

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By birdhater - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

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By kittydead - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gonzales

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out and threatened to get a restraining order after I called him an asshole. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and over 1,000 miles away from my parents' house. FML

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By soapysoap - United States

Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML

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By cc - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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By bipbip - France

Today, at work, I received an email telling me that viewing porn websites was prohibited and was a good enough reason to fire me. FML

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By full bladder - United States - Valrico

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

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By Lootz - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

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By Flooded - United States

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

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By Third trimester - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

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By alycion

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

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By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

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By a fatty

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pull cheese out of my PS3's disc tray because my younger brother assumed all PS3's could grill stuff because "Youtube told him." FML

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By omgjessp - United States

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, an old lady asked me the way to the shopping mall. The shopping mall was not too far away, but I could see that the lady could barely walk so I offered to drive her there. She smacked my car's door into a pole while getting in my car. She didn't even notice that she'd done something wrong. FML

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By JAMjessie - United States

Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

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By "idefka"

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By youshitme - Australia

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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By Clauric - Ireland

Today, the passport office informed me I won't get my passport in time to go on holidays. However, they took the money for the passport out of my account 2 months ago, causing me to go overdrawn, and not pay my travel insurance. The same insurance I needed to get the cost of the holiday back. FML

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By Zooep

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

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Top comments

By rosiegrewup | 0

#15143 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

What a douchey thing to do! If they couldn't afford it for both, they shouldn't have given it to one.

I'm sorry, man.

By socializer1 | 0

#15142 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:26

:( that sucks!
Way to go mom *rolls eyes*

COMMENTS

By socializer1 | 0

#15142 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:26

:( that sucks!
Way to go mom *rolls eyes*

Reply

pepsie_fml | 0

#891400 - Thursday 25 February 2010 15:42

that sucks

Reply

katsteak | 0

#2706909 - Saturday 18 June 2011 6:04

but your twins......

Reply

iheartstewie7 | 5

#4363697 - Saturday 28 April 2012 4:14

I have a twin too (fraternal). My parents would also do something like that. That being said, I am the better looki...:P jk
But take it as a messed up compliment. She's probably more tense/mean/pity-worthy(ugly) or they don't like her and want to get rid of her for a while.

By rosiegrewup | 0

#15143 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

What a douchey thing to do! If they couldn't afford it for both, they shouldn't have given it to one.

I'm sorry, man.

Reply

jazziue | 0

#937948 - Friday 12 March 2010 3:33

Did you remind your mom,the woman who gave birth to BOTH of you, that you were twins and therefore looked excatly a like. And they could have given you more than $20.

Reply

lolalovesyou | 0

#955462 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:06

They could be fraternal and look nothing alike.

By Sean123 | 0

#15147 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:28

how pissed our u

By frankoisdarkel | 0

#15151 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:29

maybe its a compliment?
like "you don't need all that complicated work"?

By christinaaa_fml | 0

#15152 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:29

nice mom you got there. *sarcasm*

By Lucicx0 | 0

#15154 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:30

thats craazy/mouthwash WTF?

By juicebahx | 0

#15156 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:31

What the hell? I hate when people are mean to one twin and nice to the other. Laaame.

By Golden_fml | 1

#15157 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:31

Awww, hopefully she'll get you something better next year?

By rachelforgot2 | 0

#15158 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Killer_fel | 15

#3807740 - Friday 30 December 2011 14:06

Who cares about your life, douche.

Reply

Skarkie321 | 18

#5144196 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 7:16

You're really freaking annoying, I just read your about me thing and it only made your stupidity worse

Reply

ExplodingToaster | 6

#5286706 - Friday 28 December 2012 3:11

Your comment gave me cancer.

By ericamichellexx | 0

#15163 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:33

thats horrible