Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted... - FML

By Kensie - United States

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Dicks aplenty!

One law for me…

By kat - United States - Ocala

Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow bar maid asked how we are supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML

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By stepknee - United States

Today, we had a fire drill in my dorm, and I live on the 7th floor of my building. They shut the elevators down and I had to walk down 14 flights of steps. I shattered my kneecap last week. They turned the alarm off when I got to the first floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

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By Idiot on the bus

Today, I saw a beautiful girl on the bus. Struck up a good conversation, walked with her all the way to my office. Forgot to ask her name and number. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By Anonymous

Chewbacca goes surfing

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

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By lizard - Canada

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

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By spitty - United States - Willoughby

Today, I got a massage. Just as I was starting to relax, the massage therapist drooled on my face. FML

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By Humpday - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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By Myriam - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By pyroman1127 - United States

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

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By Joseph - United States - El Paso

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By n - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got the worst sunburn I've ever had in my life, and then discovered I'm allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

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By aridaley - United States

Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML

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By CathyMary - United States - New York

Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By danii - Reserved

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

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By Hoover

Today, my parents brought me to the doctor because I was faking a headache. One thing led to another, and it turns out I have a tumor pressing against my spine. FML

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By frustrated! - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

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By CLH - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

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By Chamorru - United States

Today, I have so much ass-acne that it hurts to sit. FML

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By My_Name_Is_Zach

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

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By maddiebauer - United States - Plainfield

Today, my mom once again commented on how I need to work out. It has come to the point that I now walk around in exercise clothes and have a bottle of water/fake sweat to put on, just so she thinks I work out. This is how lazy I am. FML

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By help - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

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By tubedout - United States

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was my dad who got me a phone charger for my car, which I didn't even need because he got me the same exact thing last year. FML

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By Eric

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

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By Stumanji - United States

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

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By My spit everywhere - United States - La Grange Park

Today, I went to the dentist. She had a tool that sucks up saliva, and put it in my mouth. She told me to close my mouth, and I did. Turns out she forgot to turn it on, causing my saliva to go all over my face. I had to sit like that for the rest of the visit. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I was taking an exam and I knew I was unprepared, so I wrote some cheat notes on my ankle. As I cross my legs to look at my notes, I realize I wore tall boots to class. I can't even cheat properly. FML

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By Ignored - United Kingdom

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

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By -- - Canada

Today, I was kicked out of the mall along with a bunch of my friends, sworn at by the security guards, and personally escorted all the way to the sidewalk, only to find out we'd been mistaken for another group of people. FML

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By aarone23 - United States

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

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By gotthewrongman - United States

Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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By rugernut13 - United States

Today, I went out to start my car to go to work. When it wouldn't start, I popped the hood to see what was wrong. Some kind individual took advantage of the fact that my window doesn't roll up, and stole my battery. FML

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By omgdesdes - United States - Casselberry

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML

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By Finesse7791 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

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Top comments

By rosiegrewup | 0

#15143 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

What a douchey thing to do! If they couldn't afford it for both, they shouldn't have given it to one.

I'm sorry, man.

By socializer1 | 0

#15142 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:26

:( that sucks!
Way to go mom *rolls eyes*

COMMENTS

By socializer1 | 0

#15142 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:26

:( that sucks!
Way to go mom *rolls eyes*

Reply

pepsie_fml | 0

#891400 - Thursday 25 February 2010 15:42

that sucks

Reply

katsteak | 0

#2706909 - Saturday 18 June 2011 6:04

but your twins......

Reply

iheartstewie7 | 5

#4363697 - Saturday 28 April 2012 4:14

I have a twin too (fraternal). My parents would also do something like that. That being said, I am the better looki...:P jk
But take it as a messed up compliment. She's probably more tense/mean/pity-worthy(ugly) or they don't like her and want to get rid of her for a while.

By rosiegrewup | 0

#15143 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

What a douchey thing to do! If they couldn't afford it for both, they shouldn't have given it to one.

I'm sorry, man.

Reply

jazziue | 0

#937948 - Friday 12 March 2010 3:33

Did you remind your mom,the woman who gave birth to BOTH of you, that you were twins and therefore looked excatly a like. And they could have given you more than $20.

Reply

lolalovesyou | 0

#955462 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 0:06

They could be fraternal and look nothing alike.

By Sean123 | 0

#15147 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:28

how pissed our u

By frankoisdarkel | 0

#15151 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:29

maybe its a compliment?
like "you don't need all that complicated work"?

By christinaaa_fml | 0

#15152 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:29

nice mom you got there. *sarcasm*

By Lucicx0 | 0

#15154 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:30

thats craazy/mouthwash WTF?

By juicebahx | 0

#15156 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:31

What the hell? I hate when people are mean to one twin and nice to the other. Laaame.

By Golden_fml | 1

#15157 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:31

Awww, hopefully she'll get you something better next year?

By rachelforgot2 | 0

#15158 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Killer_fel | 15

#3807740 - Friday 30 December 2011 14:06

Who cares about your life, douche.

Reply

Skarkie321 | 18

#5144196 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 7:16

You're really freaking annoying, I just read your about me thing and it only made your stupidity worse

Reply

ExplodingToaster | 6

#5286706 - Friday 28 December 2012 3:11

Your comment gave me cancer.

By ericamichellexx | 0

#15163 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:33

thats horrible