Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster.... - FML

By gofixmyhead - 30/8/2011 14:53 - United Kingdom

Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML

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Season finale

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Mixed signals

By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I washed my face and grabbed the towel to dry it, I felt something moving down my forehead, thinking it was a drop of water. Upon looking in the mirror, I found it hadn't been a drop of water. Unless the water drop had legs and was gooey. FML

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By Reasondon - 13/12/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, I found out my cousin had moved to Texas. I would have been okay with it, were it not for the fact that not only did I loan him $3,500, but I was supposed to go with him too. FML

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By Peter - 11/5/2019 14:00

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend has been lying to me about having a long-term illness requiring multiple trips to the doctor's. She isn't ill, she was cheating on me with the local GP. So I’ve literally driven her to the clinic and then sat in the waiting room while she screwed the doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2011 04:26 - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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By ihatebeingacashier - 11/7/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

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By Bad Child? - 8/4/2017 16:00

Today, as I was brushing my teeth, I heard my mum praying to God to help her "get rid of such a stupid child". I have no idea what I've done wrong, and she's refused to talk to me all day. FML

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By lexithepirate - 27/7/2012 09:24 - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

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By DesDri - 20/6/2009 07:37 - Canada

Today, I drove a drunk Venezuelan exchange student home after a prom party. Notable events: her puking on the way to the vehicle, her yelling in Spanish at the top of her lungs in the car, her puking out the window in the moving vehicle, and her crying because she felt bad for making me drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 04:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By meow - 30/10/2013 07:03 - United States

Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

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By night_fox88 - 27/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Camden

Go out please!

Today, I woke up to my overly religious grandmother trying to shove salt down my throat yelling "DEMON BE GONE!". Why? I didn't wear the cross neckless she bought me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

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By arrow - 23/2/2016 20:39 - United States - Pomona

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

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By karaokestar - 23/4/2009 04:42 - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By thechad_144 - 1/6/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

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By mrs.nerd - 23/10/2011 12:38 - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting intimate when a notification for a game popped up on his iPad. He immediately shoved me aside so he could take care of his baby dragon. FML

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By Boarder - 1/6/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

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By Laura - 11/3/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

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By NoKeyNoCar - 13/8/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

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By whasian - 21/9/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 12:35 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I took a very expensive flight to New York City for a job interview. I waited in my hotel room all day for the phone call to go to my once in a lifetime interview. By noon I was nervous, eight I was pissed. Around ten I realized my phone was still in airplane mode. FML

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By -_- - 15/3/2016 01:46 - United States - Inverness

Today, I made an attempt to be nicer to customers at my job as instructed, which resulted in me listening to a handful of elderly people's incontinence issues, and a meth-addict's multiple abortions in detail. FML

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By are you kidding me? - 16/5/2016 21:24 - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

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By morgan_love11 - 5/6/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I found out my sister has a nickname for me due to my recent breakouts. It's "volcano face". FML

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By lonewolf2701 - 22/11/2009 09:15 - United States

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

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By blutownie13 - 9/4/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was "you're welcome." FML

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By Lily - 23/3/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2010 08:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I thought it'd be hot to have it off on the golf course once it was dark. Who would've thought that sprinklers start up once it's pitch dark. I got a lot wetter than I thought I would. FML

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By GrossLump - 27/5/2019 16:09

Today, I was swimming at the beach. At the end of the day, I felt a huge hard lump in between my toes. When I looked closer and pushed on it, it sounded and felt exactly like a bean bag. I had a blister from the day before and it had filled with sand. I had to cut it open to pour the sand out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2015 03:25 - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

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By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2014 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

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By shawnsmuffins - 20/3/2015 02:23 - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

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By bigbum - 4/11/2012 09:50 - Australia - Glenroy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

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By Fmyoffice - 27/11/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

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By leaannec30 - 10/7/2016 18:52 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

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By jalopenos - 29/1/2009 10:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

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Top comments

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3206451 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:00

Call for backup. We can not let this sorry excuse for a dried-up grape get away with a crime like this.

By Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3206681 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:41

I heard the rate of suicide bombing on toatsers are raisin' these days.

COMMENTS

By KYLAisaBITCH | 4

#3206449 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:00

At least it didn't catch the building on fire..

Reply

nixter5 | 18

#3206523 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:07

Too much happening in this FML for me to comprehend.

Reply

BadMofeelius | 0

#3206548 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:10

Agreed

Reply

jillianmathers12 | 13

#3206582 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:17

Same! I think that I need school to come back!

Reply

FFPulley | 9

#3206591 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:19

The Brave Little Toaster has met it's match. It is a sad, sad day.

Reply

sydneynault99 | 7

#3206599 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:20

agreeeed...

Reply

coffeygirl12 | 14

#3206653 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:31

Raisins are evil. Don't trust them...

Reply

Spinnmaster | 1

#3206835 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 20:11

Sometimes you just gotta do some work on a toaster.

Reply

NabbdjuretPerry | 0

#3206918 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 20:40

Its always something with toast on FML...

Reply

ducttapewallet | 7

#3207024 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 21:47

F that toasters L

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3207215 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 22:40

I think you mean "at least it didn't SET the building on fire.."

Reply

fakeaccountX | 6

#3207704 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:04

This is honestly the most entertaining thing I have ever read. Thank you for being in the UK.

Reply

bryannab1 | 0

#3208202 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 1:11

My toaster bursted into flames once when i put in a toaster waffle.

Reply

farhil | 14

#3209680 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 5:15

Looks like your toaster was "raisin" its standards... Yeah?

Ok I'll admit that was terrible

Reply

humorizer | 14

#3210329 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 8:30

You think that's embarrassing? My pet venus fly trap died eating a ladybug. :/

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3212663 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 18:45

Why am I thumbed down???

Reply

humorizer | 14

#3216592 - Thursday 1 September 2011 18:40

Probably due to your condescending nature of correcting an innocent person's grammar.

We grammar nazis only attack people's grammar when they are conceited and deserve to be taunted. The initial poster was making a harmless joke and as such should not be Nazi'd.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3219052 - Friday 2 September 2011 2:21

Yes but they could at least show a basic comprehension of English and not write in the fashion of a nursery child

Reply

MareNostrum | 0

#3225023 - Saturday 3 September 2011 1:21

You didn't even punctuate your sentence. -_-

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3240946 - Monday 5 September 2011 17:03

I personally am rubbish at punctuation but I do have a justified objection to people not using the correct words.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6418200 - Thursday 24 September 2015 0:08

I am coming back to this FML slightly over four years later, and I would like to apologise for my sheer unadulterated dickishness, I'm embarrassed just looking at how I acted

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3206451 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:00

Call for backup. We can not let this sorry excuse for a dried-up grape get away with a crime like this.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3206510 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:05

I'm on the case with my tracker hound already scrubs. It won't get far!

Reply

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3206681 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:41

I heard the rate of suicide bombing on toatsers are raisin' these days.

Reply

flockz | 19

#3206775 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:56

my face is wrinkled with frustration. the search for the elusive "raisin bomber" has hit a dry streak.

Reply

Sunny_Eclipse | 6

#3206795 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 20:01

...I see what you did there, 29.

Reply

flockz | 19

#3206884 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 20:26

i see what you did there 36.... all though i think i am the only one who will ever see what i did there...

Reply

Sonic_boomerang | 5

#3206976 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 21:12

I see what you did there 44

Reply

TheRealHouse | 7

#3207660 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:00

I see dead people

Reply

ItsTheKing | 10

#3207926 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:25

I see what you did there 44. Wrinkled lol.

By lol0wnee | 5

#3206453 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:00

Ew raisins

Reply

hailphire130 | 0

#3206995 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 21:29

What?! It's always a beautiful day with two scoops of raisins.

Reply

HannahForbesxo | 13

#3207026 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 21:47

Raisins are little dried-up bits of evil.

Reply

lovelydarlings | 6

#3207207 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 22:38

Raisinets are the bomb though!

Reply

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#3207538 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 23:39

Chocolate covered raisins I can bear, regular ones are awful

By xADTR182 | 0

#3206462 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:01

The toaster was probably made by the Japs.

By tebonz | 4

#3206467 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:01

Sup

Reply

Jimster1712 | 0

#3206528 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:07

Nothing much

By turtleomnom | 0

#3206472 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:02

well, clearly it was the residue from the chicken soup that had accumulated. it was a ticking time bomb. but still, epic fail! :D

Reply

jscrim | 0

#3207431 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 23:23

No shit, prick. Obviously it was the soup. The point is, it sucks. No lectures required.

Reply

Jdeluxh | 12

#3208709 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 3:44

Cool your jets.

Reply

kelsey_katie | 17

#3208970 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 4:58

73, calm your horses.

By Jovecove | 13

#3206478 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:03

Raisins are evil creatures, disguised as little fruits!

Reply

TheRealHouse | 7

#3207692 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:03

kinda like emo kids? jk.. ;)

Reply

crinx034 | 0

#3208148 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 0:59

Wait emo's are disguised now?! Damn things are everywhere, spreading their depression and STD's

Reply

emmanizzer | 6

#3210234 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 7:57

Since when do emo's spread STDs?

Reply

turtleomnom | 0

#3220781 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:45

they aren't creatures, they're my evil robot minions that are going to take over the world for me. be afraid >:)

Reply

MareNostrum | 0

#3225004 - Saturday 3 September 2011 1:19

Since when do emos actually suffer from depression?

Reply

YtotsDI | 0

#3563092 - Wednesday 9 November 2011 16:12

Since I became emo

By cassbird09 | 12

#3206481 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:03

I think the chicken soup crumpets may be to blame. They may have dripped into it and then when toy turned it on it ignited.

By HannahLouise96 | 13

#3206512 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:05

It was a kamikaze raisin, on a mission to destroy.

Reply

xADTR182 | 0

#3206699 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:44

So mine gets modded and not this??

By Monkeyone | 0

#3206516 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 19:06

That stinks for you!!