Intimacy: Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

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Family values

Instadrama

Time for the ER

By krt - United States

Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML

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By Cail - United States

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

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By the girlfriend - United Kingdom

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

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By Michelle - Netherlands

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to ask my parents for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. I overheard them talking about how glad they were that their plan to break us up worked so well. I don't think I should ask for advice anymore. FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By GrannyAt22 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

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By wtfiswronghere - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By howler - United States

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

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By skipper - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

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By McWhopper - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

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By that1summergirl - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By doglove - 23/3/2020 04:43

Hey, it's the Christmas card dude!

Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML

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By thenegatives - United States - Mckeesport

Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML

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By americanbln - United States

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML

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By ItchItchBaby

Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By Spooked - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By driver - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently according to the state of Illinois I'm dead. FML

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By biggirlsdocry - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML

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By I Feel Horrible - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

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By Deidle-dee - United States

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for 6 years. Things got heated when we got back to his place, but he had trouble getting the condom on. As soon he got it on, he came. I told him it was ok, I'd help him get hard again. He said, "No thanks. I'm good." FML

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By poop hands - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

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By zztopspinner - United States

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

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By With_Love929 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

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By justkillm3 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

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By yourewelcome - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elko

Today, my boss yet again said she was "literally dying", after she watched a funny video online. Long story short, I'm now on her shitlist because I couldn't help but point out that she clearly wasn't dying, and that her ranting was distracting me from doing actual work. FML

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By swedishdude - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By RAB - 18/7/2020 02:02

Lovin' it

Today, as the manager of a McDonald's, I had to ask a group of high school kids to calm down after several complaints from other guests. Their rational response was to pour soda on my head and throw burgers at me. Upon returning from chasing them out, I sprained my foot. FML

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By headache

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

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By disappoint - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

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By Auston - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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Top comments

By wisericky | 12

#5614346 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:36

You should have been like.
"You should see the other guy"

By roflstomp716 | 19

#5614352 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:38

guess you were cruisin' for a bruisin'..

COMMENTS

By wisericky | 12

#5614346 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:36

You should have been like.
"You should see the other guy"

Reply

lex1459 | 38

#5614377 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:45

You should have started crying and claiming the demon from the conjuring was after you

Reply

soccerstar1996 | 18

#5614380 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:47

OPs like, "Yeah, I wrestled a bear while drinking Dos Equis"

Reply

webbface | 25

#5616745 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 11:51

I find it kinda odd that your entire back was covered in bruises just from sex. Jeez I thought I was rough for scratches and little marks. Now I know if I actually wanna be rough I need to tell my bf to punch me constantly in the back while he is getting me from behind. Oh get a whip and whip the shit outta my back! Or smash me into some rocks! Jeez forget pleasure, bring on the pain.
I hope you just bruise easily.

By michelleJ11 | 25

#5614347 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:36

Bet that took a lot of convincing ... Sounds like an interesting conversation though. Hopefully it didn't end with one of your parents stores of their experiences ...

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5614355 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:38

Stories** whoops.

By roflstomp716 | 19

#5614352 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:38

guess you were cruisin' for a bruisin'..

Reply

PterodactylMan | 23

#5614492 - Monday 5 August 2013 23:48

That had to hurt OP

By Zimmington | 21

#5614358 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:40

Well, he was technically beating Something up.

Reply

missfrenchie | 11

#5614916 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 5:58

He was beating... dat ass *cue Barney video* say it with me now.. Dat Ass~

By Zimmington | 21

#5614369 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:43

Irrelevant received cunnilings

Reply

CoffeeChickBlows | 13

#5614406 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:52

What the fuck are cunnilings? Oh, you meant "cunnilingus"? Well your comment still blows.

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5614438 - Monday 5 August 2013 23:10

Yeah I meant cunnilingus but my my phone kept correcting it. Anyway I knew this comment would get thumbed down but I thought it would prevent more "Doesn't matter had sex" comments. But since #10 is exactly that I failed twice.

Reply

Clioo_fml | 17

#5614625 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 1:42

Correcting it to cunnilings? Since when do phones autocorrect to nonexistent words?

Unless you've been using that word before continuously...but for what?!

Reply

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5614746 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 4:10

Someone say cunnilingus?

By KinkyCurly | 13

#5614374 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:44

Kinky

By Juneyah1017 | 9

#5614375 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:44

Y'all have sex on the cement?

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5614459 - Monday 5 August 2013 23:22

Nah, they had great sex.

By AllyBrianne | 10

#5614378 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:45

Doesnt matter- had sex

Reply

dweeds508 | 24

#5614436 - Monday 5 August 2013 23:09

Real original comment, #10. Never seen that before

Reply

kernelkat | 16

#5615693 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:25

I for one love lonely island references

By kee_breezy32 | 34

#5614379 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:46

must've been some good sex!

By challan | 19

#5614381 - Monday 5 August 2013 22:47

Take the pictures off the wall before you get lifted against it. It's all fun and games...