Intimacy: Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 1 211

05/08/2013 17:58

Spicy

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 334

You deserved it 16 199

There's no helping some people

Gimme dah maaahney

Hey

04/11/2009 20:00

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 321

You deserved it 4 091

27/05/2013 04:05

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 620

You deserved it 4 375

22/12/2013 21:28

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 4 371

Baker's dozen

By Glenn - 21/03/2021 13:01

Today, my dad undermined my life's work. I finally opened my own bakery, but my dad told me it's a "sissies job" since it doesn't involve manual labour like he did for 50 years and I'll probably go out of business, because no one will want cakes from a 6 foot 8 man with tattoos, piercings and a shaved head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 735

You deserved it 104

21/11/2013 06:00

Today, I met a fellow Star Wars fan. We began enthusiastically talking about how almost no one our age knows the good old classics anymore. I was referring to the original trilogy; she was talking about the ones with Jar Jar Binks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 576

You deserved it 7 112

04/04/2015 04:04

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 587

You deserved it 2 881

Misunderstanding

By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 03:00

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 3 293

24/07/2010 10:53

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 073

You deserved it 74 620

12/12/2013 21:01

Today, I misplaced my phone at small house party. I found it later, but not before being called a sick bastard by my crush. It seems one of my "friends" sent her a cock pic with my phone, and now she wants nothing to do with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 940

You deserved it 5 330

13/06/2014 10:45

Today, artwork that I had been working on for months was destroyed, leaving me almost in tears. The culprit? A lonely pigeon who'd got into the room and shat all over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 115

You deserved it 5 064

16/10/2011 21:08

Today, I tried to hint to my husband that we needed a new washing machine. I mentioned that we got our current one way back on our wedding day. He replied, "Yeah, and I got you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 185

You deserved it 7 886

24/05/2019 00:04

Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 234

06/01/2010 18:12

Today, my 5 month old son decided that my lip ring was a toy. Thinking it would be ok, I let him touch it. He got his finger caught and pulled his hand back. The lip ring is still in, but now I have a huge gaping hole in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 493

You deserved it 53 711

02/12/2018 20:00

Today, I called my husband's mistress to confront her. Her husband answered and immediately began hitting on me. He asked what was taking me so long to join their circle and if I was as into dp as his wife is. I don’t know whether to vomit from rage or disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 285

You deserved it 569

23/12/2016 21:05

Today, I dropped my wedding ring on the carpet. Just as I was about to pick it up, my Roomba sucked it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 676

You deserved it 1 698

Close enough

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 08:00

Today, I finished writing a 60-page essay on the history and people of Australia. Turns out it's supposed to be on Austria. It's due this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 168

You deserved it 1 400

12/03/2010 08:26

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 125

You deserved it 2 968

25/12/2012 11:17

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 706

You deserved it 30 585

30/07/2012 14:50

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 680

You deserved it 2 359

30/04/2011 19:03

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 211

You deserved it 10 680

29/12/2012 23:54

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend if he was cheating on me. He replied, "Nah, all the chicks in this town are fuck-ugly." and stared at me until I left the room. Good to know that's his only reason for staying faithful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 321

You deserved it 7 633

30/06/2014 23:39

Today, I smacked my kid on top of the head for spinning the display rack while I was looking at greeting cards. It wasn't until he dramatically screamed and dropped to the floor wailing that I realized he wasn't my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 511

You deserved it 48 036

The sweet smell of success

By NoPromotionForYou - 07/05/2020 14:00

Today, I was alone at the office. Having held it in all day, I let out the longest, worst-smelling fart of my life. The owner of the company, investigating the odd noise, opened my office door. When the stench hit him, he walked backwards all the way to his office, staring at me, in silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 401

You deserved it 571

07/05/2013 00:45

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 826

You deserved it 53 873

27/02/2016 03:35

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 203

You deserved it 2 091

23/07/2014 04:09

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 984

You deserved it 7 336

11/11/2018 05:00

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 300

You deserved it 239

27/03/2015 03:28

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 483

You deserved it 10 125

20/01/2014 20:34

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 042

You deserved it 13 779

16/11/2011 06:32

Today, my landlady cut off the Internet to my flat. She says she has no use for it, and doesn't want to keep it anymore. I have 3 online assignments due in the next week, and finals the following week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 183

You deserved it 2 913

Weirdo

By Alcina - 10/07/2021 14:01

Today, I learned that my friend's "No shoes in the house" rule was only told to me so he had an excuse to see my feet. I found out when he had a group of us over and I was the only one barefoot, while he didn't care that everyone else had shoes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 80

25/02/2009 21:12

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 633

You deserved it 6 097

25/08/2016 03:57

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 320

You deserved it 1 650

21/10/2009 12:15

Today, I had my 21st birthday party. My friends told me to have the party even though it had been 5 months since my actual 21st birthday. They asked me why I didn't have one originally and I jokingly told them it was because I didn't think anyone would come. Turned out nobody came after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 297

You deserved it 3 471

03/03/2013 18:03

Today, I was awkwardly taking a dump at work, when a coworker in another stall started talking shit to me about our boss. I grunted and agreed, hoping he'd shut up and leave me alone. That's when a third guy sarcastically chimed in with insults from a third stall. It was our boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 834

You deserved it 11 174

13/01/2013 05:27

Spicy

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 112

You deserved it 5 014

01/12/2015 03:52

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 573

You deserved it 1 553

Say yes

By fuckingdonuts - 18/05/2015 02:54

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 949

You deserved it 5 159

07/06/2009 14:26

Today, my crush was walking up to me and I put my earphones in, playing hard to get. When I heard him say something about a date I take an earphone out and say, "Oh, I didn't see you there!" His response, "They're not connected to anything," holds up the end of my earphones and walks away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 369

You deserved it 131 778

04/02/2010 08:29

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 723

You deserved it 7 799

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:36

You should have been like. "You should see the other guy"

roflstomp716 19

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:38

guess you were cruisin' for a bruisin'..

Comments

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:36

You should have been like. "You should see the other guy"

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:45

You should have started crying and claiming the demon from the conjuring was after you

soccerstar1996 18

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:47

OPs like, "Yeah, I wrestled a bear while drinking Dos Equis"

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Wednesday 7 August 2013 11:51

I find it kinda odd that your entire back was covered in bruises just from sex. Jeez I thought I was rough for scratches and little marks. Now I know if I actually wanna be rough I need to tell my bf to punch me constantly in the back while he is getting me from behind. Oh get a whip and whip the shit outta my back! Or smash me into some rocks! Jeez forget pleasure, bring on the pain. I hope you just bruise easily.

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:36

Bet that took a lot of convincing ... Sounds like an interesting conversation though. Hopefully it didn't end with one of your parents stores of their experiences ...

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:38

Stories** whoops.

roflstomp716 19

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:38

guess you were cruisin' for a bruisin'..

PterodactylMan 23

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Monday 5 August 2013 23:48

That had to hurt OP

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:40

Well, he was technically beating Something up.

missfrenchie 11

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Tuesday 6 August 2013 5:58

He was beating... dat ass *cue Barney video* say it with me now.. Dat Ass~

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:43

Irrelevant received cunnilings

CoffeeChickBlows 13

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:52

What the fuck are cunnilings? Oh, you meant "cunnilingus"? Well your comment still blows.

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Monday 5 August 2013 23:10

Yeah I meant cunnilingus but my my phone kept correcting it. Anyway I knew this comment would get thumbed down but I thought it would prevent more "Doesn't matter had sex" comments. But since #10 is exactly that I failed twice.

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Tuesday 6 August 2013 1:42

Correcting it to cunnilings? Since when do phones autocorrect to nonexistent words? Unless you've been using that word before continuously...but for what?!

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Tuesday 6 August 2013 4:10

Someone say cunnilingus?

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:44

Kinky

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:44

Y'all have sex on the cement?

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Monday 5 August 2013 23:22

Nah, they had great sex.

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:45

Doesnt matter- had sex

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Monday 5 August 2013 23:09

Real original comment, #10. Never seen that before

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Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:25

I for one love lonely island references

kee_breezy32 34

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:46

must've been some good sex!

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Monday 5 August 2013 22:47

Take the pictures off the wall before you get lifted against it. It's all fun and games...