Work: Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work... - FML

By whatzthehell - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

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Messed up

Crossword anxiety

Mummy's boy

By wooowmom - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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By Ashley - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

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By fistycunt4 - United States - Belmont

Today, I put a picture on Facebook of me without makeup. A "friend" commented: "fuk me thts hideus!!" My dad replied: "Hideous, yes, just like your godawful spelling!" My mom yelled at my dad for agreeing with the guy, and they're still fighting. Meanwhile, my self-esteem is in the gutter. FML

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By time to buy a gun - United States - Carolina

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By ozzii

Crushed

Today, my friend pointed out that I’ve developed crushes on my last two bosses. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that before then, I had a secret crush on a professor back in college, too. Yet, I wonder why I’m single. FML

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By whatarethisss - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to teach my 16-year-old brother how to use a toaster. He thought you just plug it in and wait for it to "pre-heat." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

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By cestquoicebordel?? - France

Today, my fiancée showed me her wedding plans. It will be themed on one of her video games, the best man will be dressed as an alien warlord, and the vows talk about how we'll beat the odds and be blessed by the "Goddess Kalahira". Apparently, I have no say in this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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By dinosaurboy - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

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By yayme. - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

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By mislabeled - 27/8/2020 20:05

What did I do?

Today, two friends of almost ten years told my husband they had concerns about our marriage, and basically said they can no longer be friends with me. My husband and I never fight, and have other people tell us they are jealous of our relationship. The worst part is they still want to be friends with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came back to my appartment to find that I couldn't watch certain channels on my tv. When I called the tv company I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all my favorite channels. Im 22 and rent an appartment with my friends. FML

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By bubbalicious - Canada

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

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By neverhealthy

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved half my eyebrow off trying to shave my uni-brow. FML

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By Recluse

Today, the girl I'd been dating online for 6 months told me she was a guy. I said it was alright, and that I was still in love. Then she confessed she really was a girl, and was just trying to make me dump her so she wouldn't be the "bad guy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

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By LadyLump - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I like recommended I buy this computer game. Wanting to impress him, I agreed. Turns out it was a joke. I am now the proud owner of Microsoft Train Simulator 2005, and he can't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By ThisBlows - United States

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

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By FuturePolice - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

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By Leota - United States

Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

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By Emily 1992 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my MandM's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the MandM off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an MandM. It was a dead beetle. FML

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By FML - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

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By coolguy - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plymouth

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my 13 year old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

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By toolateabuckshort

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By Mothering - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

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By Mandy - Canada

Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying "that's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML

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By Telemistake - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

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By Freezing

It's frostbite time!

Today, the whole upstairs was so cold that I had to wear mittens inside. When I asked my parents why it was so cold, they replied that to save money, they had decided not to heat the upstairs, since "nobody is ever up there, anyway." My bedroom is upstairs. FML

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By poopexperttt - United States

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

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Top comments

By untoldfame | 3

#262175 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:06

a whistling dick huh? that could be quite the party trick.

By WildClown | 0

#262146 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:03

You're the dick.

YDI.

COMMENTS

By WildClown | 0

#262146 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:03

You're the dick.

YDI.

Reply

klovemachine | 24

#5916942 - Thursday 17 April 2014 2:43

No

By kaelendra | 0

#262172 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

I might get annoyed by the same kinda thing but how you handled it and the language? Dumb.

By untoldfame | 3

#262175 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:06

a whistling dick huh? that could be quite the party trick.

Reply

lilmisslovely13 | 15

#2392968 - Saturday 23 April 2011 18:53

hahaha lolzz

By JKPPS | 0

#262177 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:06

you could've just asked nicely...

Reply

redwhite03 | 0

#4645074 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 8:12

He said please...

Reply

tannerianian | 11

#5537350 - Sunday 16 June 2013 12:52

Op is a she...

By tinks_fml | 0

#262180 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:06

Bad luck!

By 24788 | 6

#262198 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:08

You should of asked nicely, but that guy should of been helping customers not whistling.

By hjc7 | 0

#262202 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:09

Didn't your parents tell you to ask nicely.

By omgsex | 0

#262205 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:09

Next time bring advil,
Curing headaches and preventing dick moves, one pill at a time.

By sirmixalot | 0

#262206 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:09

I think ur fucking retarded. It's not like he knew u had a headache and was trying to annoy you

By technobutterfly | 0

#262209 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:10

You must work at a really high end place if you just spit out random curse words.

/sarcasm