Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in... - FML

By oww - 15/11/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Non-baby fever

By koolkat9 - 22/12/2014 19:11 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By madari - 21/10/2012 23:11 - Spain - Benalm?dena

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

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By busrides - 24/12/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had confessed my love to two years ago on the bus. We chatted for a few minutes and she got off on the first stop, saying that this is where she had to get off. Twenty minutes later, I see her in the bus next to mine. The bus number was 20. Like mine. FML

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By Daemon - 27/10/2008 04:57 - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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By openended - 21/11/2014 16:56 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I realized that having an open relationship isn't all that great, when my boyfriend hooked up with his ex and dumped me for her. FML

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By Fauxgeek - 28/6/2016 01:29

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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By _RobotInDisguise - 9/12/2009 23:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:02

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

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By Illinoisgirl - 14/2/2012 14:29 - Hungary

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

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By metalmusic - 5/7/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

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By asdfghjkl_12 - 25/2/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

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By stainseverywhere - 1/2/2012 07:11 - United States

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 12:52 - United Kingdom

Still got game

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

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By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/5/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 18:50 - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By BetterThanChocolate - 20/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

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By nokeys - 2/4/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend after driving 200 miles to see him. While arguing, I told him I never wanted to see him again and left after slamming the front door. I left my car keys in his kitchen. FML

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By screamer - 2/9/2012 06:41 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 06:04 - Canada

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

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By pantless - 23/10/2016 09:31 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went to a McDonald's drive-thru in just a shirt and underwear, thinking I wouldn't be seeing anyone. I got into a car crash. FML

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By Shitmetalseller - 2/8/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

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By good big sister? - 2/7/2013 17:39 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bed. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screams when she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - 2/6/2013 10:53 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By neverdrivingagain - 4/7/2009 02:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours arguing with my mother, who claimed I shouldn't make a three hour drive because I wouldn't be able to concentrate for that long. I argued that I was a perfectly capable driver, and left. In the last 2 minutes of the journey, I hit a van and messed up the front of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 16:38 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML

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By kingkarnie - 12/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2018 20:30

Today, I, a man in his 40s, had to be taken to the hospital because I was laughing so hard at an old Disney movie that my diaphragm went into spasms. I stopped breathing and passed out for a few minutes and my son had to call an ambulance. FML

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By Ignatius - 7/6/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

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By Bridget - 28/8/2019 18:00

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. FML

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By Partners - 22/6/2015 19:55 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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By lily - 23/3/2009 15:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. As I was getting off an old man whistled at me, I told him to go to hell and got off the bus. When the bus drove away the old man stood in the back of the bus, holding up the wallet I left that he was trying to give to me. FML

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By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - 15/3/2013 07:09 - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

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By SeverelyAnnoyed - 31/3/2016 17:53 - Netherlands

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

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By thedancer5 - 3/8/2011 16:47 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

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By Foreveralone - 9/4/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

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By Arp - 4/2/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

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By accident - 14/2/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

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By hatesurf - 26/6/2009 17:23 - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

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Top comments

By FederalAgent | 0

#673319 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:23

Your wording is the funniest part
i.e... "my lamp next to me in bed"
"yanked while I was sleeping"

By CallMeHush | 0

#673410 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:08

Well, you got to admit that it must have been funny to watch.

COMMENTS

By CherryKatie | 0

#673308 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:11

lmaoooo!!!

Reply

Youser | 0

#965994 - Sunday 21 March 2010 23:54

YDI

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6053167 - Sunday 31 August 2014 10:46

Bloody noses aren't that funny…

By FederalAgent | 0

#673319 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:23

Your wording is the funniest part
i.e... "my lamp next to me in bed"
"yanked while I was sleeping"

Reply

B_Foxy | 0

#673675 - Monday 16 November 2009 4:19

Win! :)

By Darksect0r13 | 0

#673322 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:32

No FML at the end -.-

Reply

Samantha_Elaine | 7

#5932450 - Friday 2 May 2014 5:57

There is.

By Joeboy777 | 0

#673341 - Monday 16 November 2009 0:17

That prick. Some boyfriend.

By Bloodknight | 22

#673373 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:05

I'd let the same happen to my chick, girl! Lighten up, it didn't kill you, it's funny!

By Sindy_fml | 4

#673396 - Monday 16 November 2009 0:58

ouch!!! didnt u feel it when it hit your face? and ur bf is a jerk :|

Reply

lordofpantry | 8

#6153449 - Thursday 25 December 2014 3:08

DIE CIS SCUM!

By movies12 | 0

#673407 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:22

What a douche.

By sweetspicegirl | 0

#673408 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:06

ya wouldn't you wak up from feeling you nose hurting? by i would laugh my ass off too sorry

By CallMeHush | 0

#673410 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:08

Well, you got to admit that it must have been funny to watch.

By ragsy | 7

#673435 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:03

Don't blame it on your boyfriend. Maybe you need therapy.