Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in... - FML

By oww - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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Leave us alone

Hiding from the drama

Season finale

By Holding - United States - Staunton

Today, my boyfriend and I are on our way back from vacation. It will be an eight hour drive. It just so happens I got food poisoning the night before we left, and there's roadwork everywhere. We're at a dead halt with no signs of moving. FML

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By JBone - Canada

Today, I was making a smoothie. I didn't plug in the blender until after all the ingredients were inside. I pushed the 'on' button. It was still on when I went to plug it in. With no lid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

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By jgdgjyfg - United Kingdom

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

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By forever alone - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling down about being the only single person out of a group of eight friends. Out of desperation, I made up "Jonny", a hot fitness instructor whom I recently hooked up with. Now "Jonny" and I have been invited to a friends' night out. FML

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By awwman - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

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By moon_paw - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, my parents left early in the morning to run some errands, and I thought it would be nice to shovel our rather large driveway for them while they were out. An hour later, they returned from the store with a snow blower. FML

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By Good_old_Grim - Latvia

Today, I went to move my girlfriend's car. I failed to notice that the snow packed under the front bumper is actually ice. After a bit of struggle I managed to move the car. The bumper, however, is now a separate entity. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2021 17:59

Frenemies 2

Today, my old frenemy told me she married my college boyfriend who made a fortune during the early days of Bitcoin. They have no kids, a massive house, retired when they were 45 and are moving to their retirement villa in Hawaii. I'm divorced and on benefits. FML

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By Mintspice - United States

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I had cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6 month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three pay-checks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

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By NotBuyingATractor - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer service guy called to fix a problem I've been having with my phone. When it transpired that he couldn't help, he transferred me to another representative. This other representative ended up being a John Deere dealer in Michigan. FML

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By garfield749 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

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By random875 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

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By help me! - United Kingdom

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

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By banned - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

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By Disappointed

Today, my brother came up with what he thought was a genius idea for how to make money. I then had to explain to him that insurance fraud is illegal. FML

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By NoDocVisit - United States - Parrish

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

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By moudly - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 30 minutes of pre-heating the oven to make a special meatloaf for my husband's birthday, I remembered that I had hidden the cake in there. FML

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By veethebee

Today, I parked in the parking lot at work feeling like I had to sneeze. As I was walking in, the sneeze finally came. Apparently, my nose was bleeding so when I sneezed, blood got all over the floor and my brand new work clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Remus

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

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By

Today, after the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office and since he became buddy buddy with management, they believed him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

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By TooSunnyForSkin - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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By spinster - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 17:02 - United States - New York

NYC public transport

Today, there was a pretty girl sitting near me on the train home. I thought about asking for her number. Instead, a drunk nitwit decides to wander about the car and comes very close to touching her. She got up and moved to the other end, while I had to deal with a belligerent hobo who was now intent on fighting me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lihue

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

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By sadguyme - United States - Turlock

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

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By notagyno - Romania - Bucharest

Stickler for details

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

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By Blerp

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By Chan - United States

Today, I spilled hot coffee all over this man at work. I tried apologizing and saying it was an accident, but he then complained, which resulted in me being unemployed. The man I spilled coffee on was my uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 00:00

Hello little guy

Today, I put my house shoes on without socks, but felt a rock in them. I shook it free and out dropped a half-crushed roach. FML

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Top comments

By FederalAgent | 0

#673319 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:23

Your wording is the funniest part
i.e... "my lamp next to me in bed"
"yanked while I was sleeping"

By CallMeHush | 0

#673410 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:08

Well, you got to admit that it must have been funny to watch.

COMMENTS

By CherryKatie | 0

#673308 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:11

lmaoooo!!!

Reply

Youser | 0

#965994 - Sunday 21 March 2010 23:54

YDI

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6053167 - Sunday 31 August 2014 10:46

Bloody noses aren't that funny…

By FederalAgent | 0

#673319 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:23

Your wording is the funniest part
i.e... "my lamp next to me in bed"
"yanked while I was sleeping"

Reply

B_Foxy | 0

#673675 - Monday 16 November 2009 4:19

Win! :)

By Darksect0r13 | 0

#673322 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:32

No FML at the end -.-

Reply

Samantha_Elaine | 7

#5932450 - Friday 2 May 2014 5:57

There is.

By Joeboy777 | 0

#673341 - Monday 16 November 2009 0:17

That prick. Some boyfriend.

By Bloodknight | 22

#673373 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:05

I'd let the same happen to my chick, girl! Lighten up, it didn't kill you, it's funny!

By Sindy_fml | 4

#673396 - Monday 16 November 2009 0:58

ouch!!! didnt u feel it when it hit your face? and ur bf is a jerk :|

Reply

lordofpantry | 8

#6153449 - Thursday 25 December 2014 3:08

DIE CIS SCUM!

By movies12 | 0

#673407 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:22

What a douche.

By sweetspicegirl | 0

#673408 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:06

ya wouldn't you wak up from feeling you nose hurting? by i would laugh my ass off too sorry

By CallMeHush | 0

#673410 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:08

Well, you got to admit that it must have been funny to watch.

By ragsy | 7

#673435 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:03

Don't blame it on your boyfriend. Maybe you need therapy.