Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in... - FML

By oww - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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Family values

Yada yada yada

Sudarsky's gas giant classification

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

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By mperh - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

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By dizzy - Malaysia

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

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By gorokhan2 - 27/4/2020 17:00

The opposite of a good idea

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

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By Stung - United States

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

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By Addicted2FML303 - United States

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

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By ihatedogs - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

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By Fiona the Deceived

Baby New Year?

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

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By contracted - United States - Concord

Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By ClaustrophobicNightmares - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

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By Jonathan - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML

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By sober - United States - Hillsborough

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

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By noiguessitsbroken :( - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By All The Best People Are Crazy~ - Canada - Oakville

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

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By donutsex - United States - Georgetown

Today, since I work at a doughnut shop, I came home smelling like fry oil and had bits of sugar on me. My boyfriend told me he loves having sex with me right after I get off work. He said its like having sex with a hot doughnut. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Engadine

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

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By Heartbroken - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

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By strawberrypuff - United States

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

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By realitybites - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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By gmnesbitt - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

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By socially awkward - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

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By scarredforlife - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I experienced one of those moments in life you never forget. I walked into a homeless man masturbating in a parking garage stairwell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

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By Nofriends - Australia - Melbourne

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

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By fatty:( - Australia

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

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By Messy love life - 19/2/2021 12:31 - India

Just ask

Today, I casually hooked up with a guy with no strings attached. Later, we had a great conversation and I suddenly realized that I have feelings for him. He wants nothing even close to a relationship and probably doesn't like me back. FML

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By urinanalysis - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

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By gettinganF - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

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By nurse4life - United States - Moultrie

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

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By 3LLI0TT - United States

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

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By Spanishredhead - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

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By PsychoBoulevard - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

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Top comments

By FederalAgent | 0

#673319 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:23

Your wording is the funniest part
i.e... "my lamp next to me in bed"
"yanked while I was sleeping"

By CallMeHush | 0

#673410 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:08

Well, you got to admit that it must have been funny to watch.

COMMENTS

By CherryKatie | 0

#673308 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:11

lmaoooo!!!

Reply

Youser | 0

#965994 - Sunday 21 March 2010 23:54

YDI

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6053167 - Sunday 31 August 2014 10:46

Bloody noses aren't that funny…

By FederalAgent | 0

#673319 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:23

Your wording is the funniest part
i.e... "my lamp next to me in bed"
"yanked while I was sleeping"

Reply

B_Foxy | 0

#673675 - Monday 16 November 2009 4:19

Win! :)

By Darksect0r13 | 0

#673322 - Sunday 15 November 2009 23:32

No FML at the end -.-

Reply

Samantha_Elaine | 7

#5932450 - Friday 2 May 2014 5:57

There is.

By Joeboy777 | 0

#673341 - Monday 16 November 2009 0:17

That prick. Some boyfriend.

By Bloodknight | 22

#673373 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:05

I'd let the same happen to my chick, girl! Lighten up, it didn't kill you, it's funny!

By Sindy_fml | 4

#673396 - Monday 16 November 2009 0:58

ouch!!! didnt u feel it when it hit your face? and ur bf is a jerk :|

Reply

lordofpantry | 8

#6153449 - Thursday 25 December 2014 3:08

DIE CIS SCUM!

By movies12 | 0

#673407 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:22

What a douche.

By sweetspicegirl | 0

#673408 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:06

ya wouldn't you wak up from feeling you nose hurting? by i would laugh my ass off too sorry

By CallMeHush | 0

#673410 - Monday 16 November 2009 1:08

Well, you got to admit that it must have been funny to watch.

By ragsy | 7

#673435 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:03

Don't blame it on your boyfriend. Maybe you need therapy.