Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

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Commando

Sorry…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By Username - France

Today, after telling me his other girlfriend is pregnant, my boyfriend said we should stay together so I could help out with the baby. FML

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By Still No Phone - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I checked for the third time this week if my package that 'arrived' five days ago had been found. Not only was it a different employee at the concierge desk, meaning I had to explain everything again, but they told me the same bullshit about how it's "not their fault". The package is my new phone. FML

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By Andy - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

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By megamonster99 - United States - Silver Spring

Family

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

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By firedlol

Today, I accidentally showed up 5 minutes late for my shift. My boss mercifully declared that I would not be fired if I called my mother and told her I love her. My mom died 11 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 02:02 - United States - New York

Stable genius

Today, I went on a short date with a new girl in the office, who everyone thought was a tad bit odd. Also today, she showed me the names of our future children. FML

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By ShitHappens - United States

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

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By oopsies - United States

Today, I found out that the 2 loud "firework booms" I heard were actually a guy shooting his dog on the unfinished road behind my house. FML

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By ppd_sucks - United States

Today, my wife and I received confirmation that she has postpartum depression. When sharing this with the family, my mother exclaimed "I told you she was a psycho!" Now my wife is crying louder and more often than our newborn. Thanks, mom. FML

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By some things never change - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML

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By luvizwar - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

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By Kay Kay - 23/5/2020 05:00

Can't win, part 15

Today, while my parents were grocery shopping, I cleaned the kitchen, swept floors, did laundry, and cleaned bathrooms, only to finish right before they got home. After dinner, my dad bitched and complained that I didn't take out the trash and he had no room to throw away his paper plate. FML

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By slashteddy - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

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By Kenton

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, like all days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice; but today he decided to bring this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family 'brave' enough to go fetch our cat's gift. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

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By naomids - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

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By dummy441 - United States

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

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By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

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By Lola

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

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By Shiet - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

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By paige - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By Failure - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

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By RjsBabe - United States - Tulare

Today, after I got the birth control implant, waited a week like my doctor told me, my fiancé is still too scared that I'll get pregnant. It's been 2 months. FML

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By mystupidson - United States

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

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By um... maybe - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping my father-in-law out at a family barbecue. Somehow, the topic turned to grand-children, at which point I confessed that my wife has been having trouble conceiving. His response was to boom: "Sure you've been putting it in the right hole, son?!" FML

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By ryan - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

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By Ineedjustice03 - Singapore

Today, I had to dig into my savings to help my parents pay for their divorce. FML

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By Alice - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

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By snowbunny - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

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By roobb - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend with an older guy who I thought was her dad, I went over to introduce myself. And then turned around and walked away very fast as I saw them make out. My girlfriend is cheating on me with someone as old as my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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Top comments

By LizzysOwner | 17

#735328 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:40

As a cheer coach I'm very interested to know how you got not one but TWO black eyes from a stunt. Sounds interesting... tell them the story and I'm sure they'd understand.

By me5 | 0

#735281 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:13

Clumsiness is hereditary. Tell 'em that! They'll understand

COMMENTS

By TheButler | 0

#735267 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Tigg3r | 3

#735551 - Friday 25 December 2009 5:43

congrats! your prize is knowing that you are a complete and total dumbass!

Reply

mackenzieex3 | 0

#1197377 - Friday 6 August 2010 8:14

maybe you could try some makeup? that would hurt :((

By livan10 | 0

#735278 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:11

second b****

Reply

lemonlife | 0

#1549415 - Friday 15 October 2010 3:36

no one gives a shit

By christttinaaaxo | 0

#735279 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:13

aw,fyl ibdeed.

By me5 | 0

#735281 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:13

Clumsiness is hereditary. Tell 'em that! They'll understand

Reply

lostfaithinpppl | 19

#735297 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:22

+1
YDI, by the way :D

By ashlea925 | 0

#735319 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:31

Wear a nice shirt?

By LizzysOwner | 17

#735328 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:40

As a cheer coach I'm very interested to know how you got not one but TWO black eyes from a stunt. Sounds interesting... tell them the story and I'm sure they'd understand.

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#735337 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:47

wow, well that wat u get for cheer leading, lol
just tell them what happened and try using cover up if ur burned cheek isnt raw

By beck1132 | 0

#735344 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:52

As someone who was a cheerleader in highschool I feel your pain. In one practice I had a chipped tooth, a bruised nose and bruises on my knee. (we were getting ready for competition) Use lots of make up =) and don't talk about it and if they say anything make up some elaborate story.

By MagneticGuitar | 0

#735345 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:53

Dumb Cheerleader.

Reply

Malinkrot | 3

#735351 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:58

I knew some obese "anti-conformist" effeminate Myspace high schooler would say something like this...

Reply

MagneticGuitar | 0

#735354 - Friday 25 December 2009 2:00

I'm none of those, you just fell for it. :D

Reply

bluejayscheer | 7

#4374840 - Monday 30 April 2012 23:41

Cheerleaders aren't dumb, I've had a 4.0 my entire life. If she wasn't bright it still wouldn't be her fault if a falling flyer accidentally kicked her or something when she was coming down.

By Mustardnight | 3

#735348 - Friday 25 December 2009 1:56

Does no one understand her extended family
is gonna think she gets beat?!

Reply

TheMisplacedEnd | 0

#735364 - Friday 25 December 2009 2:06

That's what I thought when I read this. Her extended family might not believe her story and therefore might call the police.