Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity... - FML

By december2009 - 4/1/2010 03:41 - United States

Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. FML

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Boom, headshot

Race against the clock

Great guy

By Lauren - 20/8/2012 03:53 - United States - New Market

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

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By jillydark6609 - 19/9/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

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By Somerandomguy64 - 10/12/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By mastermind - 1/9/2019 02:00

Today, I can add "Ferrari" to the long list of cars I’ve almost been hit by. FML

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By nomorexbox - 26/4/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By scared and alone - 13/3/2015 18:47 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML

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By missedfistbump - 20/3/2013 14:31 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

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By Teiu88 - 20/10/2013 14:34 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 15:00

She definitely won though.

Today, as part of our prank war, my girlfriend found a hairy tarantula picture and stuck it on the wall. I hadn't yet told her I'm arachnophobic, and when I saw it I passed out and hit my head hard enough to need an ambulance. She decided she's won the war and I don't get a say in the matter. FML

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By thanks dad - 1/8/2020 02:02

In my day…

Today, we were slowly introducing my daughter to the pool to help her get over her terrible fear of water. My father-in-law scoffed, called us pussies, and tossed my daughter straight into the water. When I threw him out, he insisted he was just trying to teach her to swim "the right way." FML

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By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - 14/2/2011 03:25 - United States

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? I dare you." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

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By PeePee - 3/7/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, at work I had to use the bathroom. I asked my boss to watch my register and quickly walked into the bathroom. I squatted down and peed. A minute later I heard someone ask over our walkie talkie system who was using the bathroom. I had been pressing the intercom button while I peed. FML

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By KaLa - 8/2/2009 16:30 - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By greenhide8 - 28/5/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was playing at a bingo hall, when I got a bingo for $50. I got so excited that I accidentally yelled, "Holy fuck!" They kicked me out. I didn't get the money. FML

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By faeliality - 15/10/2016 05:54 - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

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By MALICEG - 26/5/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

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By sfabsits - 17/7/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

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By pinkpurplegurl - 24/9/2015 14:33 - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

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By regretsteachinghighschool - 5/11/2013 13:22 - United States - Rochester

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

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By ok cool - 13/10/2015 01:53 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML

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By Anonyme - 24/4/2014 06:57 - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

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By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By lucas - 12/12/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

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By someone euthanize me - 16/1/2016 08:17

Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML

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By Uglyshirts - 9/4/2009 08:44 - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By yeah... - 22/1/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend who I am still in love with sends me a text message that says "I miss you, baby". It turns out my name comes right after his girlfriend's name on his contact list. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

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By Bawsack - 22/11/2016 09:45 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

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By OhDearGodGrandad - 7/2/2016 17:59 - United Kingdom - Ilford

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

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By girlmeetsworld - 18/2/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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By Lily - 2/9/2015 10:09 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By neverunderstood - 2/12/2016 12:39 - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

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By sstahpp - 20/8/2015 21:24 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By will3000 - 12/1/2011 13:28

Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML

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By pummy - 30/9/2009 00:48 - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2013 01:39 - United States - Decatur

Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy - 23/7/2018 19:04

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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By reject - 21/1/2011 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, when taking a group picture with my closest friends, a passing parent congratulated us on getting into the same university for next year. She's wrong. They're all going to Cambridge, except for me. I was rejected. FML

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By deadinavan - 13/10/2010 12:57 - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

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Top comments

By bcubed | 0

#754517 - Monday 4 January 2010 10:57

YDI apparently you should have gotten to know this person who took your virginity a bit better...

By fullyhalfempty | 0

#754400 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:18

I guess he didn't do you for free.

COMMENTS

By Ishki | 0

#754389 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:10

Ouch. FYL

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#823046 - Thursday 4 February 2010 1:11

nice picture 

Reply

purple_gurl | 1

#1083151 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 7:16

YDI for having sex before marriage. Even when you're not married you still deserve it for doing it with someone you don't even know that well.

Reply

Oreohugzpenny | 4

#4643469 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:43

#69 If you are really in love with a person and you are not married that is fine. My sister and her boyfriend are in love but not married because they cannot afford a wedding. So if you really love someone it is fine.

Reply

Gringe | 1

#4699576 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 15:00

U are assuming she wasnt married!

Reply

mockingjaygirl16 | 8

#4917967 - Tuesday 11 September 2012 4:25

I have to agree with #69. it's supposed to be a special gift that we save until marriage.

By teehee1234 | 0

#754397 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:17

ooooooooo that sux

Reply

tinkerbell1357 | 0

#915593 - Friday 5 March 2010 2:57

aww poor u!!!!

By saimaali | 0

#754398 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:17

Hahahahaha.... nicely worded.

Reply

zeddeiram | 0

#2889985 - Thursday 14 July 2011 12:56

indeed.

By fullyhalfempty | 0

#754400 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:18

I guess he didn't do you for free.

Reply

My2864 | 1

#988308 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 19:37

WIN 4
just a win commrnt xD

By STYLE_E | 0

#754403 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:19

that sucks

Reply

Zappyyy | 2

#1166440 - Saturday 31 July 2010 13:23

dur!

Reply

flighted | 1

#2435039 - Saturday 30 April 2011 19:37

GREEDY BASTARD

By pretty_rave_girl_fml | 11

#754410 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:22

that sux!

By hoebiscuit | 0

#754413 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:23

Oh, that was you I did last night? Thanks for the TV. Best tip EVERRRR.

By jamie_leeann23 | 0

#754441 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:48

this fml is dumb. they let the stupidest shit on.

By cazares101 | 0

#754442 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:48

now that one suxs lol hope it wasn't a costly t

By phizxe | 0

#754448 - Monday 4 January 2010 9:52

OMFG