Animals: Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

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Messed up

Family values

The more the merrier

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

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By GettingNone - France

Today, my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. We haven't had sex since last September. Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's vagina in nearly nine months. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for my sister's surprise party. I didn't know until they brought out the cake. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I failed to get my driver's licence. My father was the instructor. FML

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By Anonymous

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

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By argh - Australia

Today, my friend told me how she crept out last night to hook up with her boyfriend. At one point, she said she "snack" out, so I corrected her by saying it's "snuck". My boyfriend snorted, showed us in a dictionary that it's actually "sneaked" and called us "fucking idiots". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mooroolbark

Today, the doorbell rang. I saw my incredibly overbearing mum's car outside, so I stayed quiet and tried to sneak upstairs. As I crawled through the hallway, commando style, I realised the door blinds were still out for cleaning. If scowls could kill, I'd be roasting in Hell right now. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

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By AJShow80 - United States

Today , I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money saying its collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then uses his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and wins 500 dollars. The jackass wouldnt split it. FML

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By jensoulstealer

The Omen 4

Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

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By manhandled - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By screwed - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

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By SleepyMommy - United States - Pomona

Today, my husband was going to let me sleep in for Mother's Day. That would have been great, if my brother didn't call me at 5:30 in the morning to say Happy Mother's Day. Now I'm up like any other day. FML

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By mel - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

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By hobosarea-holes - United States

Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

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By DrewK - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking coffee out of my favorite mug, when it slipped out of my hand. I caught it, but not before most of the hot coffee spilled all over my lap. In reaction, I dropped the mug again, shattering it. FML

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By gingerbetty - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. I've been secretly taking Welsh lessons as a surprise for him, so when I was getting close, I whispered the Welsh for "Don't stop." He pulled out and accused me of cheating on him with his best friend. He won't believe anything else. FML

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By You Wish - United States

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2021 11:59 - South Africa - Cape Town

Get out

Today, my abusive ex-husband thought it was a good idea to buy the house next door and start living there immediately. Looks like I gotta move. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

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By Nutty

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

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By Victim - United States

Today, at lifeguard class, I played a victim while my peers strapped me to the backboard in the water. When I was strapped down, I got wood in a wet swimsuit. My hands were strapped down so I could do nothing to hide it. FML

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By tinfoilnirvana - United States

Today, I went for lunch at a Chinese restaurant near my home that I have never eaten at before. It was so good I went back tonight for more, and the restaurant has been boarded up. It is closed due to food contamination. Inspections happened today. I ate contaminated food for lunch today. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 14:08 - Canada - Fort Frances

Living in another world

Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML

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By ThosePoorKids

Is Leatherface next?

Today, I heard my brother and sister-in-law discussing whether they should name my soon-to-be-born niece Annabelle or Samara. My nephews are named Jason, Freddy and Chucky. See the pattern? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

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By lavenderpiss - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I used my vaporiser to make my house smell like lavender while I went to work. My brother thought it would be funny to pee inside it. My whole house now smells like pissy lavender. FML

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By crunch time - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By Freechbear - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

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By TRAMATIZED - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML

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By my gran is a cuntwaffle - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

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By imamess - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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By

Maybe he is gay!

Today, my boyfriend got back from a long wrestling tournament. As a nice surprise, I decided to give him a little show over FaceTime. As soon as I stripped down into my bra and underwear, he paused the screen and started surfing the internet for new shoes. FML

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Top comments

By xlord | 27

#6444451 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

Thank god you yelled first before just blindly shooting!!

By zanoty | 17

#6444458 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

I guess you could say he was a cat burglar... I'll show myself out

COMMENTS

By xlord | 27

#6444451 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

Thank god you yelled first before just blindly shooting!!

Reply

okokalright | 15

#6444558 - Monday 26 October 2015 2:13

Better safe than sorry

Reply

howard007 | 18

#6444573 - Monday 26 October 2015 2:25

That's how surprises birthday parties go wrong!

Reply

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6444618 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:19

You assume that a gun owner would just blindly shoot. OP clearly knows what he's doing.

Reply

thatoneguy1111 | 15

#6444632 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:42

Most gun owners know proper gun safety and are not just firing away

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6444706 - Monday 26 October 2015 5:07

I remember reading a news story a while ago about a girl who hid in her closet to jump out and scare her parents. Her trigger happy dad ended up shooting her. I'm glad everything ended up okay in OP's case but as soon as I started reading this FML I thought it was going going to end badly.

By Acerhawk | 24

#6444452 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

I'm imagining this with him and his cat in each others positions

By twitchywaffles | 26

#6444456 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

Your cat will never fuck with you again... Never cats will always fuck with us

Reply

ml_augustus | 23

#6444476 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:05

What

Reply

twitchywaffles | 26

#6444488 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:08

I realize this comment is bad, and there isn't much I can do with it. So I'll just say sorry

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6444532 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:41

It's like you are arguing with yourself, or the voices in your head...

Reply

americanafrican | 32

#6444893 - Monday 26 October 2015 9:30

#22 i think it would be easier to argue with yourself

By zanoty | 17

#6444458 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

I guess you could say he was a cat burglar... I'll show myself out

By skiddalz | 21

#6444464 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:01

At least you're not one to shoot out of fear

By Grayness_ | 26

#6444470 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:03

Well.. Take it as a practice. Next time if it does happen and is not your cat. You'll know what to do.

By ColorOfSoul | 19

#6444471 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:03

You caught the cat burglar.

By LilMissCanadian | 22

#6444485 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:08

This sounds like something that would be in a comedy.

By corky1992 | 33

#6444493 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:11

At least you didn't shoot your cat lol

By OscarEcho | 12

#6444497 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:12

Wow. That's what happens when everyone carry guns. I am so happy I don't live in a country that allows people to run around in their homes in the middle of the night with loaded guns!

Reply

superspooky | 13

#6444511 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:22

He yelled first. he didn't say he shot the cat. nowhere does it say he ran downstairs blindly shooting like a moron.

Reply

be82tw | 17

#6444526 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:36

error in posting