Animals: Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

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Crushed

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

Just a prank, bro!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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By dirk855 - United States

Today, I crashed into a ditch on my way home from work. I had to walk 2 miles in -25 below zero weather before I could pick up a cell phone signal to call a tow truck. When I got back to my car, a cop was waiting for me with a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident. FML

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By tamralee

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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By Stickysituation - United States - Depew

Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 21:32 - India

Knock next time please

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

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By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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By InstantHardOn - United States

Whenever

Today, my girlfriend has a new obsession: grabbing my junk and whispering in my ear the song, "Baby, Imma Be Your Motivation." Problem? I get an instant boner and she only does it in public, because it's "funny as hell." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By sausages - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

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By ang3l4 - United States - Redding

Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

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By

Fancy Hobo

Today, I decided to change my name on YouTube to Fancy Hobo and then proceeded to send an email to a well-admired professor. Little did I know my email was linked to YouTube. Yes, Fancy Hobo sent a very professional email about registration for Grad School. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flemington

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

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By How can you f*** up that bad!? - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

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By Grant Williams

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

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By dumbass stereotypes - 25/3/2020 20:00

The Gordon Ramsey of Racism

Today, I was chatting with a guy on a dating site. He accused me of being a liar and trying to catfish him after I told him I like my steak medium-rare. According to him, that can’t possibly be true because black people only eat their steaks well done. No exceptions. What an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By trashcanned - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By yper - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

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By Dfacta - United States

Today, I found out the reason I've been itchy for the last two weeks is because I'm now allergic to chlorine. I'm also a swimming instructor. FML

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By KtSue - United States

Today, my mom has officially lost 100 pounds due to a lap-band surgery. After sharing her excitement, she also shared her troubles. She said, "Everything hangs now, even my cooter. Can they fix that?" Thank you for the mental image, mom. FML

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By swimfaned - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she's afraid of my ex-wife. This is the third one in a row to use that very reason. The judge still won't accept my pleas for a restraining order. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

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By Missy - United States

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

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By iHateWorms - Australia

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

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By elow72 - United States - Nashua

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

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By neverhavingkids - United States

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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By banana2894 - United States - Eugene

Today, I looked over at the car parked next to me and noticed a very large woman plucking her mustache. She locked eyes with me and kept plucking. After that, every time I looked over, she was still staring. Staring and plucking. Now when I close my eyes, I can still see her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By IndianAngel96 - United States - Houston

Today, while in a pharmacy, I walked over to the shaving cream aisle. I picked up a can to smell it and unknowingly pushed the button, spraying an old guy in front of me. He freaked out and started telling everyone that the ceiling above him was leaking. FML

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By chrono19 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 20:01

Reverse Uno

Today, while trying to be sexy for my fiancé by going to change his background photo to a naughty pic of myself, I found out he's been actively cheating on me. For almost a year, with multiple women. When confronted, he tried telling how hard me finding out was for HIM. FML

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By kay - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

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Top comments

By xlord | 27

#6444451 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

Thank god you yelled first before just blindly shooting!!

By zanoty | 17

#6444458 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

I guess you could say he was a cat burglar... I'll show myself out

COMMENTS

By xlord | 27

#6444451 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

Thank god you yelled first before just blindly shooting!!

Reply

okokalright | 15

#6444558 - Monday 26 October 2015 2:13

Better safe than sorry

Reply

howard007 | 18

#6444573 - Monday 26 October 2015 2:25

That's how surprises birthday parties go wrong!

Reply

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6444618 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:19

You assume that a gun owner would just blindly shoot. OP clearly knows what he's doing.

Reply

thatoneguy1111 | 15

#6444632 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:42

Most gun owners know proper gun safety and are not just firing away

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6444706 - Monday 26 October 2015 5:07

I remember reading a news story a while ago about a girl who hid in her closet to jump out and scare her parents. Her trigger happy dad ended up shooting her. I'm glad everything ended up okay in OP's case but as soon as I started reading this FML I thought it was going going to end badly.

By Acerhawk | 24

#6444452 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

I'm imagining this with him and his cat in each others positions

By twitchywaffles | 26

#6444456 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

Your cat will never fuck with you again... Never cats will always fuck with us

Reply

ml_augustus | 23

#6444476 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:05

What

Reply

twitchywaffles | 26

#6444488 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:08

I realize this comment is bad, and there isn't much I can do with it. So I'll just say sorry

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6444532 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:41

It's like you are arguing with yourself, or the voices in your head...

Reply

americanafrican | 32

#6444893 - Monday 26 October 2015 9:30

#22 i think it would be easier to argue with yourself

By zanoty | 17

#6444458 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

I guess you could say he was a cat burglar... I'll show myself out

By skiddalz | 21

#6444464 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:01

At least you're not one to shoot out of fear

By Grayness_ | 26

#6444470 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:03

Well.. Take it as a practice. Next time if it does happen and is not your cat. You'll know what to do.

By ColorOfSoul | 19

#6444471 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:03

You caught the cat burglar.

By LilMissCanadian | 22

#6444485 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:08

This sounds like something that would be in a comedy.

By corky1992 | 33

#6444493 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:11

At least you didn't shoot your cat lol

By OscarEcho | 12

#6444497 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:12

Wow. That's what happens when everyone carry guns. I am so happy I don't live in a country that allows people to run around in their homes in the middle of the night with loaded guns!

Reply

superspooky | 13

#6444511 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:22

He yelled first. he didn't say he shot the cat. nowhere does it say he ran downstairs blindly shooting like a moron.

Reply

be82tw | 17

#6444526 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:36

error in posting