Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:47 - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

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Family values

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By Bellagirl - 19/7/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

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By BaconGirl - 8/7/2016 06:00

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 19:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By ilovepancakes - 20/9/2016 00:29 - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2012 05:06 - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

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By jeeperspeepers - 2/8/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML

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By fuck - 9/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Caught

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

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By youcould'vejusttoldme - 11/5/2017 21:00 - United States - College Station

Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML

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By JB - 7/12/2011 14:29 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend's 16-year-old daughter got a job. I'm 29, with a Master's degree and I'm still unemployed. FML

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By sick of this shit - 12/3/2016 13:33 - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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By WhenRumoursAreBetterThanReality - 26/6/2014 11:35 - Australia - Belconnen

Today, I got a call from a friend asking why I didn't tell him I was engaged. I'm not, but I wish I was. Rumours about my life seem to be better than the reality. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

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By No money, mo' problems - 18/6/2013 22:01 - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

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By Trew Love - 3/5/2016 06:25 - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

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By iliveformystery - 31/10/2014 15:56 - United States - Oshkosh

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed as a pirate. Someone complimented me on how convincing the fake teeth were that I had on for my costume. I wasn't wearing fake teeth. FML

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By Corn-ed-Teeth - 30/4/2019 18:00

Today, I bit into a barbecue-ed corn cob, forgetting I had a filling on my chipped front tooth. I re-chipped it. FML

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By Busted - 12/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I doodled on a sheet of paper trashing our English teacher. Later, I went to English class, and my teacher asked for us to take out a sheet of loose sheet of paper and write an essay. It wasn't until I had written on the whole front and flipped to the back that I realized I was using the doodle sheet. FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - 18/8/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 06:25 - United States - Bedford

Today, my neighbors got a motion sensor light that points at my window. It's so sensitive that it goes off every time an insect flies past. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

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By oumalina - 12/8/2010 01:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML

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By Myorafield - 26/10/2016 06:42 - Australia - Glenwood

Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML

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By Eddy - 27/8/2017 16:00

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By justin Bieber - 15/6/2015 14:49 - United States - Westland

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2012 18:55 - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2015 21:14 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By Dopeydancer - 8/9/2009 13:12 - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

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By racoonface - 19/4/2009 15:17 - United States

Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 07:11 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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By ivyleaguebabe - 3/6/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

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By j - 4/6/2009 03:36 - Australia

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML

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By notsoonenufdeparted - 2/10/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

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By Babygirl - 17/5/2010 23:01 - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? He said his mom didn't want us together anymore. His mom died three years ago. FML

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By - 24/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

Submission

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 06:38 - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

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By NiHao - 28/9/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

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By Jordan - 8/4/2012 10:37 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

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Top comments

By xlord | 27

#6444451 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

Thank god you yelled first before just blindly shooting!!

By zanoty | 17

#6444458 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

I guess you could say he was a cat burglar... I'll show myself out

COMMENTS

By xlord | 27

#6444451 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

Thank god you yelled first before just blindly shooting!!

Reply

okokalright | 15

#6444558 - Monday 26 October 2015 2:13

Better safe than sorry

Reply

howard007 | 18

#6444573 - Monday 26 October 2015 2:25

That's how surprises birthday parties go wrong!

Reply

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6444618 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:19

You assume that a gun owner would just blindly shoot. OP clearly knows what he's doing.

Reply

thatoneguy1111 | 15

#6444632 - Monday 26 October 2015 3:42

Most gun owners know proper gun safety and are not just firing away

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6444706 - Monday 26 October 2015 5:07

I remember reading a news story a while ago about a girl who hid in her closet to jump out and scare her parents. Her trigger happy dad ended up shooting her. I'm glad everything ended up okay in OP's case but as soon as I started reading this FML I thought it was going going to end badly.

By Acerhawk | 24

#6444452 - Monday 26 October 2015 0:58

I'm imagining this with him and his cat in each others positions

By twitchywaffles | 26

#6444456 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

Your cat will never fuck with you again... Never cats will always fuck with us

Reply

ml_augustus | 23

#6444476 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:05

What

Reply

twitchywaffles | 26

#6444488 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:08

I realize this comment is bad, and there isn't much I can do with it. So I'll just say sorry

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6444532 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:41

It's like you are arguing with yourself, or the voices in your head...

Reply

americanafrican | 32

#6444893 - Monday 26 October 2015 9:30

#22 i think it would be easier to argue with yourself

By zanoty | 17

#6444458 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:00

I guess you could say he was a cat burglar... I'll show myself out

By skiddalz | 21

#6444464 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:01

At least you're not one to shoot out of fear

By Grayness_ | 26

#6444470 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:03

Well.. Take it as a practice. Next time if it does happen and is not your cat. You'll know what to do.

By ColorOfSoul | 19

#6444471 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:03

You caught the cat burglar.

By LilMissCanadian | 22

#6444485 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:08

This sounds like something that would be in a comedy.

By corky1992 | 33

#6444493 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:11

At least you didn't shoot your cat lol

By OscarEcho | 12

#6444497 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:12

Wow. That's what happens when everyone carry guns. I am so happy I don't live in a country that allows people to run around in their homes in the middle of the night with loaded guns!

Reply

superspooky | 13

#6444511 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:22

He yelled first. he didn't say he shot the cat. nowhere does it say he ran downstairs blindly shooting like a moron.

Reply

be82tw | 17

#6444526 - Monday 26 October 2015 1:36

error in posting