Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what... - FML

By Binkplugged - 05/07/2016 18:01

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 667

You deserved it 1 792

Our house, in the middle of our street

Good kid

Dysfunctional

By Scarred4lyfe - 28/02/2016 22:32 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 410

You deserved it 1 411

Thanks, I guess…

By Gabrielguitar - 25/04/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, it was my birthday and everyone in the office chipped in to buy me a card, and nothing but a card. It had a pre-written message on it and a space to write "Love, *insert name*" where everyone signed their names. The "Love" was crossed out and replaced with "From". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 820

You deserved it 5 295

By snowmon06 - 10/07/2016 04:13

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 026

You deserved it 1 628

How Thoughtful

By Anonymous - 20/08/2018 08:30 - United States - Brick

Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 043

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 30/08/2013 16:14 - United States - Redmond

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 418

You deserved it 3 241

By anonyme - 30/07/2014 06:51 - France - Grenoble

Today, the left side of my head has officially declared its independence. Half of my hair is now curly, the rest is totally flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 543

You deserved it 4 624

By Anonymous - 28/04/2012 01:55 - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when an aging lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she had pickpocketed me of my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 560

You deserved it 2 564

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 02:27 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I'm having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 700

You deserved it 2 148

By Anonymous - 20/09/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 124

You deserved it 2 682

By T-Pain - 22/04/2009 17:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stopped making out with me to watch a thirty minute infomercial on the Topsy-Turvy upside down tomato planter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 303

You deserved it 7 078

By SmallAngel - 22/03/2013 00:35 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out my mom thought I was a lesbian because I dated a girl in high school. I didn't date anyone in high school. Apparently, guys never asked me out because my best friend told everyone that I was her girlfriend. I had a two-year lesbian relationship that I never knew about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 174

You deserved it 3 550

By skitzobiatch69 - 13/09/2011 17:07 - Australia

Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 560

You deserved it 2 372

Couch potato

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 17:06

Today, I'm so out of shape that my arm ached after lifting chips out of a Lays bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298

You deserved it 1 092

By Anonymous - 03/07/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 572

You deserved it 3 256

Show and tell

By Boyufd - 22/04/2020 23:00

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 041

You deserved it 261

By soapisyourfriend - 16/02/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 835

You deserved it 1 396

By TCRII - 08/07/2019 12:00 - United States - Springfield

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 505

You deserved it 241

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

By lazydude - 17/03/2021 11:01

Today, I got hired and now I have to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 1 451

By Acesup111 - 02/03/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 012

You deserved it 3 450

By flimflam - 02/09/2010 17:39 - United States

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 677

You deserved it 3 851

The smell detective is on the case

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 334

You deserved it 163

By CircusSea - 05/11/2012 00:02 - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, I work on a cruise ship, and I just learned that we have a morgue on board. How did I learn that? It's right next to the crew laundry room, and I opened the wrong door. It was occupied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 938

You deserved it 1 902

By JpL - 25/04/2019 02:00

Today, I asked my Instagram followers out of curiosity who their favourite influencer was. Someone replied, without knowing it doesn’t come up anonymously, “Not you.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 2 123

Gross dude

By summer - 26/03/2021 21:30

Today, I had to beg my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This is a basic weekly argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 300

By blahpizzablah - 22/06/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was delivering pizzas for my summer job. I got a big order to deliver for a fellow graduate's party. While I was being paid for the order my friend shows up and says "Don't pay him, his parents are rich, he can handle it." Then they shut the door and took off. The bill was $75. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 515

You deserved it 3 797

By birdhater - 15/10/2009 06:16 - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 799

You deserved it 2 654

By Dumbdumb - 15/02/2010 14:29 - United States

Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 668

You deserved it 33 108

By Foufinator - 04/10/2009 19:33 - France

Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 052

You deserved it 3 548

By tbreezy - 26/11/2018 14:00

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 667

You deserved it 396

And now, on Judge Judy

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 22:00

Today, I found out my roommates spent my rent money and told the landlord I never paid. I've paid my rent and theirs the past 6 months. My name's on the lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 736

You deserved it 403

By clubber - 04/11/2008 04:16 - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 235

You deserved it 9 011

By Wititipwitpwit - 21/01/2009 10:03 - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 026

You deserved it 48 849

By i_am_forever - 06/01/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 706

You deserved it 6 070

By Anonymous - 15/05/2013 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 794

You deserved it 4 378

Wedding of the year

By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I dreamed that I got so nervous during a toast at my friend's wedding that I pissed myself. To coax myself to wake up, I took off my dress, stripped down to my underwear, and pinched myself. I wasn't dreaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 1 013

By Anonymous - 22/03/2017 18:00

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 056

You deserved it 3 639

By chloecamp - 15/07/2014 03:35 - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 162

You deserved it 4 233

Bruh…

By ... - 06/06/2011 07:44 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 649

You deserved it 6 696

By ahhahaha - 12/08/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 914

You deserved it 4 681

By homeless - 26/03/2014 23:45 - United Kingdom - Winchester

Today, I found out that, after having moved over 500 miles to begin a post-graduate degree, I'm being kicked out of the house I'm renting. We haven't yet signed agreements. Apparently I "keep the kitchen too clean". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 376

You deserved it 3 627

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

ScratchCatPower 32

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 15:15

Pacifiers for everyone! Tonight maybe you'll unconsciously mutter "Here comes the airplane!" and try to feed your husband with an empty hand.

rorex 26

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 15:01

I don't get why this is an fml.

Comments

rorex 26

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 15:01

I don't get why this is an fml.

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 15:02

You subconsciously think your husband is a big baby.

ericanicole1 12

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 20:35

Probably also consciously

NYM88 26

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 15:11

I think she is unconsciously trying to tell you to stop crying in your sleep. There is no bogeyman under your bed. She checked twice, remember?

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 20:28

This is the wife saying it....

NYM88 26

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 0:24

Yes, I realize that. I was acting as if I was talking to her husband. I guess I didn't get that across very well.

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 6:44

I got it NYM88 :-) and I thought it was great ;-)

NYM88 26

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 15:43

Thanks! I guess I should have said it more like this: You should really tell him he needs to stop crying in his sleep and remind him you checked under the bed twice for monsters. But, hey. A little too late, I guess.

ScratchCatPower 32

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 15:15

Pacifiers for everyone! Tonight maybe you'll unconsciously mutter "Here comes the airplane!" and try to feed your husband with an empty hand.

extremereviews 26

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 16:08

If this is the biggest thing to say FML about your life is going pretty damn good

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 16:35

Sounds like it's going to be a while before he gets yours in his mouth.

mfmylifesrsly 29

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 21:16

What?

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 2:51

Looks like I'm FML failing again. A pacifier has a nipple, and I was referring to her nipple, saying that she will hold off on sexual contact for being weird. Damn, I have to reassess my life.

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 4:28

Maybe reassess that hairline while you at it ;)

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 4:33

Angle of the picture. I could be immature and make fun of your baby face, nose, shirt, sentential grammar, and mild acne, but the amount of fucks I give are equal to the ones you received on your profile. A lot less than mine. ;))

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 7:35

Dude, get fucking roasted

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 15:30

Is this a good time to mention your name is stormfront and laughing as people realize why I mention it after a quick google search?

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 16:37

I've had many people show me the reference years after I created this account. I used to be obsessed with Star Wars and storm troopers. Storm+Front=Stormfront. I'm not going to change my name, because I know who I am. I feel privileged that you googled me :)

HollywoodHitter 21

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 17:12

Just laugh it off, you're a mother, just unconscious instinct.

SixthSinEnvy 39

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 17:18

I hate to be that guy but the punctuation in this FML is killing me. It seems to be the bigger issue than sleep silliness.

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 1:40

I read it like old morse code. Today I woke up to my husband chuckling STOP When I asked him what was so funny STOP

laceyleitner98 5

Send a private message

Monday 22 August 2016 5:43

I only found one punctuation mistake. She should have put a comma after she asked her husband what he was laughing at. Unfortunately she used a period. She probably used a comma and it autocorrected it.

blackrose1996 11

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 17:48

Must have been snoring and you were dreaming of the baby crying lol

pandalover69 26

Send a private message

Sunday 21 August 2016 17:59

I don't see how this is a big deal. I think I would just laugh if it were me.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 25

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 274