Work: Today, I woke up to a voice-mail from my manager saying I had... - FML

By TheBaconater - United States - Baraboo

Today, I woke up to a voice-mail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

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Season finale

Honesty is the best policy

Not now, mom!

By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By KMKWEEN - United States

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

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By Good_old_Grim - Latvia

Today, I went to move my girlfriend's car. I failed to notice that the snow packed under the front bumper is actually ice. After a bit of struggle I managed to move the car. The bumper, however, is now a separate entity. FML

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By Beaky - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my very first yeast infection. Thinking she would help me, I went to my mom. Instead she began yelling about how I'm lying and it's an STD and I don't believe in the power of Jesus. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 11:05

You tried

Today, I’m a single parent and lately I’ve been working out to get healthier. During a session, I injured my back pretty badly. Now I need help getting out of bed, etc. I just wanted to make sure they wouldn’t ever need to take care of me. FML

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By obtuse_ballsack - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I desperately needed to pee, but my mom was in the bathroom taking a shower, so I waited patiently until she finished. Just as I was about to go in, my half-naked dad rushed ahead, said "Going somewhere, son?" and shut the door on me. FML

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By jack s.b. - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

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By Anonymous - Malawi

Today, I went to a coworker's wedding. Instead of getting to celebrate their marriage, we spent most of the service being lectured by the priest on how women are a freak by-product of "God's masterpiece design" and are the cause of all the world's problems. FML

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By anonymous_0505 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

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By harry - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

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By Zinfandel - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

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By Audrey - 21/7/2020 14:01

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

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By Mary - United States

He's trying to kill you!

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

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By Julie - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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By punchedhelper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

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By casey - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

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By haileelouxxx - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

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By IneedMaury - United States - Lowell

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 23:00

Smooth talking

Today, I downloaded Hinge for the first time, only to have the first guy I match with to tell me, "I can’t wait to breed you and to knock you up." FML

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By breadcrumb - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 18:57 - Mexico - Garza Garcia

Bye then!

Today, while on holiday. I got a call to let me know my job will be gone away when I return. FML

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By Jeff

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By zzarzzur - United States - San Francisco

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

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By forever_young - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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By Trapped. - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glance over and see my brother's hot friend who I've been secretly in love with forever. He waved to me, and excitedly I waved back. I then hear my mom say "You're gonna die when you see how bad you look right now." FML

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By rent-a-cop - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home she thanked me over and over again and then said "thank god you have no life!" FML

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By davy0540 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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Top comments

By killmoose | 5

#5352885 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:46

If the boss confesses to making a mistake, you should be forgiven

By notjanedoe | 27

#5352887 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:46

Good grief, one should think a bit of internal communication isn't too much to ask before they start yelling at the employees.

COMMENTS

By Zestus | 19

#5352883 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:46

Contact the other girl and wear the exact same stuff/do your hair the same way and confuse the shit out of them for laughs

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5352921 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:56

I'm sure that'll fix everything for her, then.

Reply

jayleensmama | 14

#5353574 - Monday 4 February 2013 7:36

Yeah... because they're twins so that would work. ::eyeroll::

By alfakennybody | 10

#5352884 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:46

Hope your not fired

Reply

ShannyAK | 16

#5352922 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:56

Yeah honestly if it was a mistake or not op shouldnt get fired

Reply

sux4u121 | 10

#5352955 - Sunday 3 February 2013 19:11

OP had a job aaaannnnnddd it's gone.

Reply

ShannyAK | 16

#5353010 - Sunday 3 February 2013 19:42

Well actually we dont know that because op never said she got fired just yelled at which she doesnt deserve

Reply

red_headforlife | 15

#5353114 - Sunday 3 February 2013 21:46

You're* sorry guys had to.

By killmoose | 5

#5352885 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:46

If the boss confesses to making a mistake, you should be forgiven

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5352999 - Sunday 3 February 2013 19:36

She should just show the voice mail to the dick head boss who was yelling at her.

By notjanedoe | 27

#5352887 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:46

Good grief, one should think a bit of internal communication isn't too much to ask before they start yelling at the employees.

By Crzysht96 | 3

#5352898 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:49

You have the voice mail. I wouldn't worry about your job.

Reply

Amama_fml | 30

#5353210 - Monday 4 February 2013 0:22

If it was me, I would be screwed because I always delete voicemails after listening to them.

By ladylilly25 | 20

#5352901 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:50

The immediate response was to start yelling? Sounds like someone needs their own day off...

By carry_on | 19

#5352902 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:50

I hope the 'original manager' has a pair of balls and owns up!

Reply

igive | 28

#5353004 - Sunday 3 February 2013 19:39

They did, they admitted it.

By cmbar831 | 14

#5352907 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:52

You should take the day off anyway

By landon_loe11 | 16

#5352912 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:54

If you'd calmly explain yourself I'm sure all would be forgiven.

By perdix | 29

#5352916 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:55

Your managers need to get their shit together and the douche that yelled at you needs to apologize for the other guy's error.

Then, you need to take a paid sick day for the stress caused by your undeserved reprimand.