Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my...

By speechless - 13/7/2013 14:32 - United States - Mitchell

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

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Miscellaneous

The best cat

Does it taste good?

Social distancing gone wrong

By Eodowoiono - 6/8/2013 16:20 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By SplishSplash - 1/9/2013 01:21 - United States

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

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By yupimher - 12/10/2019 22:00

The long goodbye

Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

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By hatemebeforetheyevenhatch - 24/2/2015 00:08 - United Kingdom - Clydebank

Today, I ordered Chinese and told them I was allergic to eggs. I took a bite and I found some egg, quickly spat it out and took my antihistamines. When I returned with it and complained about my potential demise, they gave me a free orange to apologise. I'm allergic to oranges. FML

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By astocks - 24/9/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2017 02:00

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By Wendie - 18/4/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

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By ohdear - 31/10/2011 15:38 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

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By scarred for life - 21/9/2012 10:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

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By GrossedOutKary - 19/5/2010 19:20 - Puerto Rico

Today, after finally moving into a better neighborhood, my family and I were greeted by the elderly couple who live window to window to us. How? By hearing them have sex loudly and then praying for forgiveness even louder. Welcome to the neighborhood! FML

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By RatFailure - 11/1/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, I looked into my sink's garbage disposal for the first time since I moved in two months ago. Apparently, the putrid smell was not the food I've been throwing down it, but instead, a now what appears to be mutilated litter of rats. FML

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By OmniVore - 25/2/2010 09:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a great vegan guy in my class. We went to a vegi-restaurant, I dutifully ate all the meatless dishes, but he seemed pissed about something, and other diners kept giving me angry looks. After we left, I realised I'd worn my leather jacket to the date. FML

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By FMBs - 30/4/2014 23:40 - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

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By bellerz14 - 23/12/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

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By towelwindow - 5/8/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to work to help out a co-worker even though my last day was last week. I parked in a garage a block away for 2 hours. I paid $20 to park, didn't get paid, am spending $400 to get my back window replaced, and I have to buy a new iPod. FML

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By GabyLeann - 29/9/2015 02:01 - United States

Today, while showering, I broke the cap off the shampoo. Not my shampoo, my roommate's. The $60 shampoo I swore I wouldn't touch. FML

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By htx91 - 13/12/2016 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after opening a letter from the VA, I found out that I have to pay back all the money I earned last year in the Army. I just spent $500 on Christmas presents. Payments start in January. FML

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By David - 1/9/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I decided to ride my rusty old bike to work, since it will help the environment. I was standing up and had a tight grip on the handle bars. The handle bars came off and I fell down on the cross bar, busting my nuts. FML

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By damn dog - 5/7/2013 05:43 - United States

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

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By Andrew - 31/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

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By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By thanks guys - 7/4/2019 00:00

Today, I’ve been suffering with a fever of 104° as well as an ear and sinus infection. I asked my mom and sister if they could get me meds and fluids from the store. I sent them money through my bank app for the supplies. They took my money and went to lunch instead. I’m still sick as a dog. FML

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By PrintMaster - 20/7/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

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By What am I doing with my life? - 22/5/2014 16:47 - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

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By "BunnysKitty" - 10/7/2017 22:30 - United States - Columbia City

Today, I wanted to pack my lunch with some of my homemade meatloaf leftover from last night's dinner, but I couldn't find it anywhere in my fridge. Later in the evening, my boyfriend's parents invited us over for dinner. They served meatloaf. The meatloaf they stole from my fridge last night when they visited. FML

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By irishbitch - 15/11/2009 07:51

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

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By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

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By stevenr579 - 23/1/2013 23:33 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I took a taxi ride with my friends. As we were getting out, I paid the taxi driver. With a grin, he drove away fast. It turns out my friend had already paid. FML

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By broke - 5/5/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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By Heavybreather - 13/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Athens

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

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By finalssuck - 21/5/2010 15:01 - United States

Today, I found out that I have been studying for the wrong final exam. One more hour until the test. FML

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By sadsenior - 13/3/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML

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By takeiteasy - 7/1/2009 03:58 - France

Today, my wife and I went to a wedding. At one in the morning, when the cheese was being served, we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up it was 5am, and the party was over. FML

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By Alex - 26/6/2014 21:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - 15/1/2009 02:02 - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By carriageway - 31/1/2020 01:00 - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

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By Suzie Leone - 24/1/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

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By fatty magoo - 29/7/2014 18:20 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend sleep over at my house for the first time. Upon arriving, he tossed his stuff on the floor and said "I gotta take a piss, where's your shower?" FML

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By happybudiess - 14/10/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, I went to the free clinic down the street to prove to my girlfriend I don't have any STDs so that we can finally have sex. Turns out I have one. FML

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Top comments

By softrally | 15

#5578606 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5578607 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

Comments

By softrally | 15

#5578606 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5578656 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:07

Obviously the pants drawer so he can piss his pants.

Horsempeg | 25

#5578810 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5578858 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:19

24, he did piss his drawers.

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5578607 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

Athleticism | 11

#5578691 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

That pun was used a couple thousand times about 2 FMLs ago.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5578695 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:39

I don't know why people don't say peed instead of pissed. No one ever says "that must of really peed you off", so it's original.

Athleticism | 11

#5578709 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:50

I think you just started something sir.

bacincheeseburge | 9

#5578796 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:05

#41 Because if you say "that really peed me off", people will think you are saying "P'ed me off". Like a shortened form as in "Ef you", or "shut the Ef up".

Athleticism | 11

#5578818 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:30

Would you rather us say, "You urinate the crap out of me."?

marcranger | 28

#5578868 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:40

Considering that sounds like some kind of unorthodox enema, 65, I'd certainly rather not phrase it that way!

Epickiller | 19

#5578982 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:41

Sounds like urine a pissy situation.

By RivetingTaleChap | 6

#5578608 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

I reckon he's looking for Narnia.

rich443 | 22

#5578658 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:10

that would be if he pissed in wardrobe

gracehi | 31

#5578751 - Saturday 13 July 2013 20:29

So he can pee on it? Unwise. Azlan's not a fellow you want to piss off.

By SaveCowEatCarrot | 14

#5578609 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

Well, you know what they say OP. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

ImAFaker | 29

#5578747 - Saturday 13 July 2013 20:25

Well, she can beat him. Just get out the baseball bat...

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5578773 - Saturday 13 July 2013 20:42

And if the baseball bat doesn't work she could always use her hand.. Haha.

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5578856 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:14

Hahahaha 56 that was so funny! Now leave...and never post another comment on FML...

Pwn17 | 25

#5578865 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:36

5 Are you seriously suggesting that she pee in the drawer with him?

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5578913 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:14

Relax pal, it was a comment gone wrong. You can shove your self entitlement right up your ass, next to where your head must be.

iAlissa | 34

#5579719 - Sunday 14 July 2013 13:57

75, that was a dick comment. Toot toot, all aboard the douche train ._.

By JasonUMN | 15

#5578610 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well, urine for a treat when he wakes up tomorrow.

threer | 30

#5579725 - Sunday 14 July 2013 14:07

Overused much?

By phoughto | 5

#5578611 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Would you have preferred the bed stand?

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5578671 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:20

How about the candle holder?

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5578613 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Is there ever a wrong drawer when no drawer is right?

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#5579370 - Sunday 14 July 2013 6:22

miiiinnddd fuuuucck lol

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5579580 - Sunday 14 July 2013 10:54

That's what I was going for

threer | 30

#5579730 - Sunday 14 July 2013 14:08

Um, yes. That's not a mindfuck at all. If none of them are right, all of them are wrong. There is a wrong drawer.

By Jac_d_ipper | 10

#5578614 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

I reckon his top drawer is MT.

By Treveyon56 | 14

#5578616 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well........ sucks for you. Next time hide all the beer in the house and his wallet so he can't buy more.

lilhellian | 26

#5578664 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:14

Right, create trust issues and break apart a family. The beer isn't the issue, the issue is moderation.

punkyboy | 11

#5578674 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:23

Wow that is way to far especially the part about taking away all the money from his wallet. For all we know this could be a one night thing. If not she should have a talk with him about drinking In moderation

joleigh | 6

#5578690 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

I think this would create more problems than fix anything. If someone took my money trying to "help" I'd feel the need to bitch slap them.

By Omniprism | 14

#5578617 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

That's hilarious. I've had to redirect someone from from closet to the bathroom before and I've heard of some crazy stories about people peeing in places.

AshleyScruggs | 14

#5578799 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:09

Yeah, I heard of one guy who likes to piss on his dad's car.