Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 42

13/07/2013 14:32

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 007

You deserved it 4 592

Our house, in the middle of our street

Good kid

This Charming Man

25/12/2011 06:25

Today, is Christmas day. Normally, I'd spend it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 2 317

07/10/2013 06:11

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 207

You deserved it 8 054

01/06/2017 01:00

Today, I got a reply from a women who's SD card I found 2 months ago and tried to give back. Yesterday I formatted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 303

You deserved it 723

08/01/2012 14:36

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 223

You deserved it 49 249

01/01/2010 19:14

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 970

You deserved it 2 646

Lookin' good

By Anonymous - 03/03/2021 05:01

Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 136

But my babiiiiiiies!

By fmylifeee - 27/09/2019 04:00

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 188

28/07/2012 13:26

Today, I went on an overnight airplane flight. I wanted to be comfy so I took off my shorts, threw a blanket over myself, and slept. When the lights came back on, I ran to the bathroom before they served food. After using the bathroom, I noticed I hadn't put my shorts back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 730

You deserved it 42 329

13/05/2018 19:00

Today, I came home to my mother, wife, sister, and certain family members cussing me out. My daughter and niece told them that I took them to visit and pray at The Church of Satan. Girls! It's The Church of Saint Anne! FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 268

You deserved it 428

25/02/2016 15:52

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 752

You deserved it 2 185

21/07/2018 21:29

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 663

You deserved it 352

09/12/2009 23:47

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 722

You deserved it 2 936

05/12/2013 22:26

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 427

You deserved it 24 293

25/07/2009 21:12

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 278

You deserved it 5 758

09/10/2009 22:58

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 377

You deserved it 2 792

07/03/2010 17:25

Today, my fiancé picked which new house he thinks we should live in based on the fact that the bathroom was set up in such a way that he can drink himself in to a stupor, then use the toilet and puke in the sink at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 695

You deserved it 5 633

18/07/2012 14:41

Today, a male co-worker asked me in what shape I shave my pubic hair. Jokingly, I replied that I have a very nicely trimmed dodecahedron. Now he's telling everyone at work that I have a venereal disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 067

You deserved it 6 554

25/05/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 551

You deserved it 1 241

08/10/2018 12:00

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 473

You deserved it 361

07/01/2013 11:11

Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting alcohol, which I do not sell. When I informed him of this, he expressed his disappointment by urinating on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 281

You deserved it 2 245

29/01/2012 00:46

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 584

You deserved it 3 472

Polygraphs are BS

By Anonymous - 26/09/2021 02:00

Today, I took a polygraph. The interviewer was mad at the way I was breathing and looking down once instead of straight ahead. The third test I started crying because he raised his voice, saying I was disrespecting his time. I was trying so hard but couldn't breathe with the equipment on, leaving my mind blank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 96

22/09/2016 17:14

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 711

You deserved it 845

Glass half empty

By siamne - 28/03/2021 23:00

Today, after six months of eating a better diet and exercising every other day, I can now say that I am physically healthier, but the lifestyle changes have done absolutely nothing to help my depression. That was the whole reason I started doing this in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 82

01/07/2009 12:28

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 877

You deserved it 6 484

22/10/2012 16:09

Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 554

You deserved it 7 243

14/04/2011 22:12

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 298

You deserved it 25 488

Face your demons

By corleon198425 - 13/11/2020 20:08

Today, I finally got a job after months of searching due to Covid. The bad news? It's cleaning dog kennels. I have an extreme fear of animal poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 497

03/03/2016 23:59

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 22 228

You deserved it 1 654

30/07/2011 04:38

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 399

You deserved it 79 323

FML Uncensored

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 430

You deserved it 846

08/01/2013 23:56

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 592

You deserved it 5 172

10/08/2012 12:57

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 604

You deserved it 3 219

09/06/2016 19:07

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 890

You deserved it 905

30/05/2013 16:29

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 600

You deserved it 5 551

20/12/2010 09:27

Today, my family is going to the USA for Christmas after being lucky and getting their tickets re-booked. My ticket was canceled due to the snow, and will not be re-booked. Merry Christmas to me, myself and a bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 055

You deserved it 2 743

23/08/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 821

You deserved it 355

27/02/2013 04:50

Today, a German guy came into the place where I work. Eager to use the German that I'd learned from my immigrant mother and her family, I started a conversation. Things were going well until the term I grew up thinking meant "Africa" turned out to be racist, translating as "Ape Land." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 193

You deserved it 4 294

28/03/2009 17:17

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 069

You deserved it 37 453

21/02/2016 19:02

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 389

You deserved it 1 852

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

Comments

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:07

Obviously the pants drawer so he can piss his pants.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

graceinsheepwear 33

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:19

24, he did piss his drawers.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

That pun was used a couple thousand times about 2 FMLs ago.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:39

I don't know why people don't say peed instead of pissed. No one ever says "that must of really peed you off", so it's original.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:50

I think you just started something sir.

bacincheeseburge 9

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:05

#41 Because if you say "that really peed me off", people will think you are saying "P'ed me off". Like a shortened form as in "Ef you", or "shut the Ef up".

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:30

Would you rather us say, "You urinate the crap out of me."?

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:40

Considering that sounds like some kind of unorthodox enema, 65, I'd certainly rather not phrase it that way!

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Sunday 14 July 2013 0:41

Sounds like urine a pissy situation.

RivetingTaleChap 6

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

I reckon he's looking for Narnia.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:10

that would be if he pissed in wardrobe

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:29

So he can pee on it? Unwise. Azlan's not a fellow you want to piss off.

SaveCowEatCarrot 14

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

Well, you know what they say OP. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:25

Well, she can beat him. Just get out the baseball bat...

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:42

And if the baseball bat doesn't work she could always use her hand.. Haha.

Olympiakos10 15

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:14

Hahahaha 56 that was so funny! Now leave...and never post another comment on FML...

Pwn17 25

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:36

5 Are you seriously suggesting that she pee in the drawer with him?

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 23:14

Relax pal, it was a comment gone wrong. You can shove your self entitlement right up your ass, next to where your head must be.

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Sunday 14 July 2013 13:57

75, that was a dick comment. Toot toot, all aboard the douche train ._.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well, urine for a treat when he wakes up tomorrow.

threer 30

Sunday 14 July 2013 14:07

Overused much?

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Would you have preferred the bed stand?

arsenicalhumor 30

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:20

How about the candle holder?

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Is there ever a wrong drawer when no drawer is right?

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Sunday 14 July 2013 6:22

miiiinnddd fuuuucck lol

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Sunday 14 July 2013 10:54

That's what I was going for

threer 30

Sunday 14 July 2013 14:08

Um, yes. That's not a mindfuck at all. If none of them are right, all of them are wrong. There is a wrong drawer.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

I reckon his top drawer is MT.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well........ sucks for you. Next time hide all the beer in the house and his wallet so he can't buy more.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:14

Right, create trust issues and break apart a family. The beer isn't the issue, the issue is moderation.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:23

Wow that is way to far especially the part about taking away all the money from his wallet. For all we know this could be a one night thing. If not she should have a talk with him about drinking In moderation

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

I think this would create more problems than fix anything. If someone took my money trying to "help" I'd feel the need to bitch slap them.

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

That's hilarious. I've had to redirect someone from from closet to the bathroom before and I've heard of some crazy stories about people peeing in places.

AshleyScruggs 14

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:09

Yeah, I heard of one guy who likes to piss on his dad's car.