Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my...

By speechless - 13/7/2013 14:32 - United States - Mitchell

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

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Miscellaneous

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Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By betchyo - 1/10/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

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By abbacjt - 16/1/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 18:03 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

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By ramble ramble - 30/1/2014 20:55 - United States - Monroe

Today, I was taking a leisurely stroll through the woods in the nice cool weather, when a mountain biker came out of nowhere and tore past, barely missing me. As I counted my luck, another biker followed the first and crashed right into me. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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By mmromig - 8/2/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML

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By faulty number - 28/1/2013 23:25 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. Turns out my number on my resumé was wrong. FML

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By Luisa - 9/1/2020 01:00

Lunch Special

Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 03:06 - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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By Ginger - 3/10/2010 18:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me I should finish school early and get a job so we can get married, because then he'll have enough money to buy the truck he's had his eyes on for our whole relationship. FML

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By manda - 16/2/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

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By NotHappyJan - 3/12/2018 03:00

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

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By krabby patty - 25/5/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By Sadface - 6/12/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn't get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML

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By Almost Fired - 15/8/2019 12:00

Today, I got written up for insulting a customer last week, who then rang up to complain about my bad attitude. I was on vacation all last week. My boss doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

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By betrayed - 19/7/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

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By Kallian - 25/11/2019 03:00 - Australia - Sydney

What happened?

Today, I walked home and found a massive branch had fallen into my parking space. My first thought, "Thank God my car wasn't hit!" My second thought, "Where's my car?" FML

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By btswc - 21/5/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML

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By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Pants on fire

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

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By eayers2689 - 30/5/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I went to a barbecue and noticed a girl that I had be interested in. When I walked up to ask how she was doing I noticed she had some BBQ sauce on her face. Jokingly I licked my thumb and reach to remove it. It turned out to be a scab from a pimple she had popped earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

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By pinkXpress1023 - 8/7/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

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By leovaldez - 22/6/2020 20:08

Call CPS!

Today, after years of having seasonal allergies and months of having my throat close up, my mom agreed to see a doctor, only to insult me in front of the doctor, saying I just find new ways to make their lives harder and I'm probably making it all up. FML

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By DontGive2Fox - 5/3/2019 04:00

Today, I had my first job interview and didn’t have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn’t speak. FML

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By uncleaning - 22/7/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

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By grossedout - 1/11/2014 00:39

Today, I was walking back to my dorm with my boyfriend. He was being really sweet as he held my hand. We were about to kiss goodnight and as he pushed some hair out of my face he said, "Can we hurry it up? I'm about to rip one." FML

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By not my idea - 27/4/2020 20:00

Not now, mom

Today, my mom learned via Facebook that my ex is now divorced. She took this as a "sign from God" that he’s my soulmate, and took it upon herself to try to set us up. Not only have I not talked to this fool since we broke up in high school, I’m not sure who’s more pissed off, me or my husband. FML

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By katerina - 29/11/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents talking about me and discussing how I've never had a boyfriend. My mum laughed that maybe they should pay someone to go out with me, and my dad replied, "Heh, not enough money in the world." FML

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By 44magnumtime - 6/8/2012 17:57 - Canada - Oakville

Today, some new people moved into the house next door to mine. The previous occupants were very loud and obnoxious day in and day out, so I was looking forward to some sanity. When I went outside, I noticed they'd parked their cars on my lawn. FML

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By KeysToHappiness - 16/8/2015 12:39 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

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By what the fuck?! - 2/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I called my husband's mistress to confront her. Her husband answered and immediately began hitting on me. He asked what was taking me so long to join their circle and if I was as into dp as his wife is. I don’t know whether to vomit from rage or disgust. FML

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By XYZee - 22/8/2012 20:27 - United States - Rockmart

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

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By glocked and goaded - 3/4/2015 18:08 - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, I found out a friend of mine likes me. It wasn't by a cute gesture like a sweet little note, or a beautiful heartfelt confession like you might expect. He sprang at my boyfriend and choked him (while I strained to pull him off). Right during the middle of our 60+ student populated class. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

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By Joe - 4/8/2011 18:28 - United States

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

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Top comments

By softrally | 15

#5578606 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5578607 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

COMMENTS

By softrally | 15

#5578606 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5578656 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:07

Obviously the pants drawer so he can piss his pants.

Horsempeg | 25

#5578810 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

graceinsheepwear | 33

#5578858 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:19

24, he did piss his drawers.

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5578607 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

Athleticism | 11

#5578691 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

That pun was used a couple thousand times about 2 FMLs ago.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5578695 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:39

I don't know why people don't say peed instead of pissed. No one ever says "that must of really peed you off", so it's original.

Athleticism | 11

#5578709 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:50

I think you just started something sir.

bacincheeseburge | 9

#5578796 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:05

#41 Because if you say "that really peed me off", people will think you are saying "P'ed me off". Like a shortened form as in "Ef you", or "shut the Ef up".

Athleticism | 11

#5578818 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:30

Would you rather us say, "You urinate the crap out of me."?

marcranger | 28

#5578868 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:40

Considering that sounds like some kind of unorthodox enema, 65, I'd certainly rather not phrase it that way!

Epickiller | 19

#5578982 - Sunday 14 July 2013 0:41

Sounds like urine a pissy situation.

By RivetingTaleChap | 6

#5578608 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

I reckon he's looking for Narnia.

rich443 | 22

#5578658 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:10

that would be if he pissed in wardrobe

gracehi | 31

#5578751 - Saturday 13 July 2013 20:29

So he can pee on it? Unwise. Azlan's not a fellow you want to piss off.

By SaveCowEatCarrot | 14

#5578609 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

Well, you know what they say OP. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

ImAFaker | 29

#5578747 - Saturday 13 July 2013 20:25

Well, she can beat him. Just get out the baseball bat...

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5578773 - Saturday 13 July 2013 20:42

And if the baseball bat doesn't work she could always use her hand.. Haha.

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5578856 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:14

Hahahaha 56 that was so funny! Now leave...and never post another comment on FML...

Pwn17 | 25

#5578865 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:36

5 Are you seriously suggesting that she pee in the drawer with him?

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5578913 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:14

Relax pal, it was a comment gone wrong. You can shove your self entitlement right up your ass, next to where your head must be.

iAlissa | 34

#5579719 - Sunday 14 July 2013 13:57

75, that was a dick comment. Toot toot, all aboard the douche train ._.

By JasonUMN | 15

#5578610 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well, urine for a treat when he wakes up tomorrow.

threer | 30

#5579725 - Sunday 14 July 2013 14:07

Overused much?

By phoughto | 5

#5578611 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Would you have preferred the bed stand?

arsenicalhumor | 30

#5578671 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:20

How about the candle holder?

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5578613 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Is there ever a wrong drawer when no drawer is right?

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#5579370 - Sunday 14 July 2013 6:22

miiiinnddd fuuuucck lol

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5579580 - Sunday 14 July 2013 10:54

That's what I was going for

threer | 30

#5579730 - Sunday 14 July 2013 14:08

Um, yes. That's not a mindfuck at all. If none of them are right, all of them are wrong. There is a wrong drawer.

By Jac_d_ipper | 10

#5578614 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

I reckon his top drawer is MT.

By Treveyon56 | 14

#5578616 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well........ sucks for you. Next time hide all the beer in the house and his wallet so he can't buy more.

lilhellian | 26

#5578664 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:14

Right, create trust issues and break apart a family. The beer isn't the issue, the issue is moderation.

punkyboy | 11

#5578674 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:23

Wow that is way to far especially the part about taking away all the money from his wallet. For all we know this could be a one night thing. If not she should have a talk with him about drinking In moderation

joleigh | 6

#5578690 - Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

I think this would create more problems than fix anything. If someone took my money trying to "help" I'd feel the need to bitch slap them.

By Omniprism | 14

#5578617 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

That's hilarious. I've had to redirect someone from from closet to the bathroom before and I've heard of some crazy stories about people peeing in places.

AshleyScruggs | 14

#5578799 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:09

Yeah, I heard of one guy who likes to piss on his dad's car.