Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom.... - FML

By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

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Goodbye Bill

Ghosted

Delayed proposal

By publicenemy - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

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By everore - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

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By unknown951

Today, I went to the doctor because recently I've had a white liquid coming from my breast. I found out it's milk. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By deee21 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

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By emix - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

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By Gary - Canada

Today, I was walking next to this building that was getting renovated, and read a sign that said "Watch out for falling debris at all times." While I was watching out for debris, I fell down a staircase. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I sent my long-distance girlfriend the first photo of me I'd sent her in a while. It was a photo of me with some of my friends, she didn't know which one I was. FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML

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By EyeSeeYou - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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By ish - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in the parking lot right before a baseball game, then convinced me to still go to the game in tears. After the game, we were walking back to the car and he goes, "so, how about some break up lovin'?" FML

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By BikerGuy - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Milan

Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

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By noooo!!! - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

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By Dontwaketheneighbors - United States - Santee

Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML

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By no snow day - United States - Round Lake

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By bchorror - 22/4/2020 02:00

One ring to…

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

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By lizard - Canada

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

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By itisthedude - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

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By RandomLG94 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

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By whatever - United States

Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

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By Kendall14159 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML

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By Anonymous - France - Belloy-en-france

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 02:00

Looks aren't everything

Today, I was watching "My 600-lb Life". Most of the people on the show are married or in relationships. I cant even find a relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that with all the money I've spent on repairs for my iPhone through the months, I could have bought a phone that doesn't die horribly whenever I so much as give it a mean look. FML

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By pretty poly - 10/11/2020 11:01

And today, on Dr Phil…

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. He wants to introduce our girlfriend to our kids and make her a part of our everyday family life. When we started this, I was under the impression that it was just a sex thing, and wouldn’t leave our bedroom. He wants to make her his second wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By Fluffy

Thanks, honey.

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

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By youredisgusting - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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By newswithabitofbite - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By Yulia - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML

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By rejected - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said "Well, you could always ask me." I then said "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was "Nope...now that's 8!" FML

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Top comments

By tumtum888 | 12

#5940197 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

You need to get to the bottom of this. Who flushed that toilet?

By ChristianH39 | 30

#5940202 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

Oh god I'm sorry. What is seen cannot be unseen

COMMENTS

By Candissimo | 13

#5940192 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:12

That's probably the worst feeling

Reply

thatisaWIN | 5

#5940245 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:29

Worse than orange juice right after brushing your teeth?

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5940295 - Saturday 10 May 2014 6:04

Worse than stepping on a lego?

Reply

xlord | 27

#5940312 - Saturday 10 May 2014 6:23

Worse than being drugged and finding yourself front row at a Justin Bieber concert?

Reply

Demig0d6 | 14

#5940329 - Saturday 10 May 2014 6:50

Or your nipples being electrocuted on a sunny day at the beach?

Reply

strykerthezombie | 7

#5940338 - Saturday 10 May 2014 7:00

That actually sounds nice

Reply

PewDiePie_Lover | 14

#5940341 - Saturday 10 May 2014 7:11

#28 its kinky XD

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5940401 - Saturday 10 May 2014 9:05

#27, I thought everyone spent their sunny days like that.

Reply

Candissimo | 13

#5940459 - Saturday 10 May 2014 11:43

How did that get so many negative thumbs down? oh well You guys are right those are horrible feelings also.

Reply

Crofty92 | 17

#5940774 - Saturday 10 May 2014 20:05

Looks like people hate you. I'm sorry but the internet has spoken.

By tumtum888 | 12

#5940197 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

You need to get to the bottom of this. Who flushed that toilet?

Reply

pimrol | 16

#5940487 - Saturday 10 May 2014 13:12

and also was she hot?

Reply

BootheGhost | 6

#5940689 - Saturday 10 May 2014 18:04

Incest is not always wincest...

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5940908 - Sunday 11 May 2014 0:14

Hot?, she was scalded!

Reply

MondRubberduck | 24

#5974153 - Friday 13 June 2014 15:55

I think it´s wierd that thei watertemperatur changes when somenone flushes

By DedicatedNova | 13

#5940198 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

Bet that was a nice sight. FYL OP.

Reply

kjack49044 | 18

#5940232 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:20

Maybe if it was anyone besides his sister.

Reply

thatisaWIN | 5

#5940239 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:26

Sarcasm doesn't make this comment anyless creepy...

Reply

sparty48910 | 5

#5941043 - Sunday 11 May 2014 3:19

Yea! Like his grandma!

By ChristianH39 | 30

#5940202 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

Oh god I'm sorry. What is seen cannot be unseen

By ilmanator | 7

#5940203 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:14

Lol that's quite the awkward situation.

By briggsopposed | 8

#5940215 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:16

Well atleast you know she's okay

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5940404 - Saturday 10 May 2014 9:09

yeah, at least he cared enough to check it out.

By IllestRated | 17

#5940218 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:16

Too much cartoons?

By jsp16 | 24

#5940221 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:17

Bet you screamed louder at the sight of seeing your sister nude.

By buzzboy2389 | 13

#5940225 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:18

We'll you got to see boobs so that's a plus

Reply

cyanidesandwich | 21

#5940230 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:19

Redneck of the year award goes too...

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#5940235 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:23

I really hope you have no sisters.

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#5940305 - Saturday 10 May 2014 6:18

Or any female relatives...

Reply

Crofty92 | 17

#5940776 - Saturday 10 May 2014 20:10

Or the ability to reproduce at all.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5940237 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:25

It could have been worse, Norman Bates might have killed her!

Reply

EdenCrystal | 21

#5940264 - Saturday 10 May 2014 5:38

Way to think positively, Penguin. Gold sticker for you!