Health and School: Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said...

By Anonymous

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

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Great guy

All for nothing

Dicks aplenty!

By Lifes_overated - Australia

Today, at a bus stop my friend told me that he loved me. I, reacting on impulse, told him how long I've wanted to hear him say that, and kissed him. Then I realised the look on his face. Turns out he'd said 'I need new shoes' not 'I love you.' FML

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By You Are My Sunshine - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, a guy from work that I barely know gave me sunflowers for my birthday. He told me, "You mentioned they were your favorite." I mentioned it to my family at home a few days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

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By KelseNM

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

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3229

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By random - United States

Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML

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23329

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By Ew - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

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By FlabbyPants - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 08:00

Hard shoulder

Today, the guy I’ve been trying to get over for the last month finally messaged me like I’ve been hoping for, only to cry that his new girlfriend cheated on him and to ask if I think he should forgive her, because he, "appreciates my honesty." FML

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1505

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML

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By Loser - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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44287

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By smoochie

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I caught my husband once again looking at half naked pictures of a friend of mine on Facebook. When I asked why he did it, he said "I was checking to see if they were still there." FML

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32604

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

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11032

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By Bluetooth Connection

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

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By sigh - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

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27192

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 20:06

You're so vain, you probably think this FML is about you

Today, my daughter is so selfish, she did her makeup in her hospital room so she could take a selfie with her newborn son in the background BEFORE she had even held him for the first time. Yes, BEFORE. My grandson spent his first hour of life waiting for his mom to be ready for a photo op. FML

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2304

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By IhadToTakeCareOfTraumatizedFish - United States - Iowa Park

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

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40133

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By :( - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

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43814

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By secretsmakefriends - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

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51660

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

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Error!

Today, I called my cell phone tech support to help with my Samsung device. They sent me contact info for Apple support. FML

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1425

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By fiery - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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39928

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By notsomuchinlove - United States

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML

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12595

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By planes - United States

Today, on the airplane, the kid behind me kicked my seat hundreds of times, while the big bald guy next to me farted deadly ones repeatedly. I was on a non-stop 14-hour flight. FML

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36902

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By Kelli - United States

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

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By onthemarket - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

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48494

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By nina - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

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9648

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

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13391

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

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26048

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By Jaime - United States - New York

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML

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44251

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By Waterfalls - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

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39192

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By gonebabygone - United States

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

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51102

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By FMe - United Kingdom

Today, I got yelled at for 'letting' my muddy dog jump on my cousin's wedding dress as she was getting ready. I don't own a dog and haven't since I was a kid. FML

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34670

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By Wilson

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

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2571

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By Adoptee - United Kingdom

Today, after eighteen years of living with my adoptive parents, I met my biological mum for the first time. She's a forty year old, 300lb American woman who wears 'Twilight' t-shirts and will be spending the rest of her visit to the UK trying to find Robert Pattinson. She says I remind her of herself. FML

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56524

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7713089 - Wednesday 24 October 2018 6:05

Can't wait to see you on America's Got Talent, or one of its sister shows.

By JustThatPerson | 21

#7721499 - Saturday 10 November 2018 20:04

WAKE ME UP INSIDES

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7713089 - Wednesday 24 October 2018 6:05

Can't wait to see you on America's Got Talent, or one of its sister shows.

By Takegami | 22

#7721446 - Saturday 10 November 2018 15:55

Someone told me I do metal vocals in my sleep.
So you’re fine

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7721496 - Saturday 10 November 2018 19:55

Miley Cyrus isn't metal, dude.

By r | 8

#7721453 - Saturday 10 November 2018 16:14

It was a musical for the senses

By RichardPencil | 30

#7721486 - Saturday 10 November 2018 19:04

Looks like you put another tuba player out of work.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7721497 - Saturday 10 November 2018 20:02

Why in horror? She should be posting that to youtube, you'll be an internet sensation!

By JustThatPerson | 21

#7721499 - Saturday 10 November 2018 20:04

WAKE ME UP INSIDES

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7721582 - Sunday 11 November 2018 1:27

"SAVE ME FROM THE SOMETHING IN MY BUM!"

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7721529 - Saturday 10 November 2018 21:47

If you were in a rithmic tune then you’re awesome.

By BeachMammal | 8

#7721544 - Saturday 10 November 2018 22:49

If she reacts to that with horror, she has led a very sheltered life indeed.

By rcrumbak | 9

#7721919 - Sunday 11 November 2018 22:08

Total eclipse of the FART!

By Xavier K. Valdez | 8

#7766234 - Saturday 9 February 2019 0:35

Lol what the fuck? That is awesome!