Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said...

By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 15:30

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

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Season finale

Rich people problems

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By birthdaygirl - 16/4/2014 17:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

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By arknvl - 7/3/2013 18:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boss yelled at me for visiting Facebook on my work computer. He says that since I can't be trusted, I'll be supervised from now on. I was uploading pictures to the company's Facebook page, which I have to do once a week as part of my job. FML

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By ekaay - 16/1/2018 15:00

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

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By CWoah - 14/9/2009 15:17 - Canada

Today, it was my court date for a car accident I was involved in back in July. I had spent months preparing a case to prove my innocence. I was scheduled to appear at 10:00 this morning. I woke up at 10:15AM. FML

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By lambeaster - 20/1/2016 14:27 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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By Anon. - 1/3/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

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By 44magnumtime - 6/8/2012 17:57 - Canada - Oakville

Today, some new people moved into the house next door to mine. The previous occupants were very loud and obnoxious day in and day out, so I was looking forward to some sanity. When I went outside, I noticed they'd parked their cars on my lawn. FML

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By calliefml - 26/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

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By Ugh - 13/12/2016 14:39

Today, at my work in a self-service chinese restaurant, a lady came up to me, pointed to the plate she loaded with honey king prawns, and yelled at me because she was allergic to seafood. She demanded a refund and another plate. Everything is clearly labeled. FML

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By motherless - 30/1/2013 03:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother "checked in" to rehab on Facebook. The same rehab that told her to hand over her smartphone. The dumbass was smart enough to steal my phone and dumb enough to get it confiscated. FML

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By nothappywithlife - 30/3/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

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By BigBlue - 19/3/2014 23:19 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

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By stephanie - 28/9/2018 03:00

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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By PollingLow - 10/5/2012 15:45 - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 04:23 - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

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By prego - 30/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By passedoutpolly - 1/8/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

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By Betrayed - 31/7/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML

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By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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By Jennnn - 16/9/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, I was at a stop light when I saw a cute police officer at the light across the intersection. Trying to be cute as I drove by, I turned and winked and waved. The car in front of me stopped, I rear ended them and then got rear ended. The cute cop winked back, then wrote me a ticket. FML

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By WTF?!?! - 9/9/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 17:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

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By anonymous - 17/9/2013 17:52 - United States

Today, I was uninvited to a bachelorette party. I wouldn't really care, if the party hadn't been for me, ahead of my wedding tomorrow. FML

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By Yousaidyouweremoving - 11/12/2016 16:23 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart. This would have been fine had he not broken up with me because he was "moving to Canada." FML

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By CDeVeney92 - 17/3/2012 04:37 - United States

Today, I got threatened with a gun through the drive thru speaker because I didn't offer some guy any pies to go with his meal. FML

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By ghgfd - 6/3/2013 14:53 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

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By problems - 27/7/2016 06:43 - Thailand - Phuket

Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML

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By natashamilan - 26/2/2015 01:43 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

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By CatCreator - 11/10/2019 14:00

Making a Murderer

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 02:01

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML

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By ThirteenThirteen - 1/4/2015 22:09 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I was sent the script to a play I'm participating in at school. After reading it a couple of times, I noticed that my part has been forgotten completely. FML

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By cycler - 13/6/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

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By jack s.b. - 14/11/2013 22:15 - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

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By glorified taxi driver - 11/6/2020 20:08

Capitalism kills

Today, after starting a new job, having two ovarian cysts rupture and been in and out of the hospital twice in a week, I'd been told that I couldn't work, needed surgery, and could lose my ovary. I’m 23. I was told that my job was secure and not to worry. I received my termination letter. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 14:34 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life". I'm 26 and just very short. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2011 13:37 - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

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By box butt - 7/3/2017 00:00

Today, after much dieting and exercise, I can proudly say that my love handles are now bigger than my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2016 08:34 - United Kingdom - Bromsgrove

Today, I spent hours putting together a beautifully intricate jigsaw to give to my grandmother, who likes to frame them and hang them on her wall. Just as I was about to finish it, I discovered my dog chewing the last piece. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7713089 - Wednesday 24 October 2018 6:05

Can't wait to see you on America's Got Talent, or one of its sister shows.

By JustThatPerson | 21

#7721499 - Saturday 10 November 2018 20:04

WAKE ME UP INSIDES

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7713089 - Wednesday 24 October 2018 6:05

Can't wait to see you on America's Got Talent, or one of its sister shows.

By Takegami | 22

#7721446 - Saturday 10 November 2018 15:55

Someone told me I do metal vocals in my sleep.
So you’re fine

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7721496 - Saturday 10 November 2018 19:55

Miley Cyrus isn't metal, dude.

By r | 7

#7721453 - Saturday 10 November 2018 16:14

It was a musical for the senses

By RichardPencil | 28

#7721486 - Saturday 10 November 2018 19:04

Looks like you put another tuba player out of work.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7721497 - Saturday 10 November 2018 20:02

Why in horror? She should be posting that to youtube, you'll be an internet sensation!

By JustThatPerson | 21

#7721499 - Saturday 10 November 2018 20:04

WAKE ME UP INSIDES

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7721582 - Sunday 11 November 2018 1:27

"SAVE ME FROM THE SOMETHING IN MY BUM!"

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7721529 - Saturday 10 November 2018 21:47

If you were in a rithmic tune then you’re awesome.

By BeachMammal | 8

#7721544 - Saturday 10 November 2018 22:49

If she reacts to that with horror, she has led a very sheltered life indeed.

By rcrumbak | 9

#7721919 - Sunday 11 November 2018 22:08

Total eclipse of the FART!

By Xavier K. Valdez | 8

#7766234 - Saturday 9 February 2019 0:35

Lol what the fuck? That is awesome!