Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice...

By Dani - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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Miscellaneous

The opposite of a good idea

Relationships sink

Join in the fun

By laptopsRus - United States

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

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By broke - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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By Boyufd - 27/10/2020 11:01

Added flavor

Today, I walked out the bathroom and saw my girlfriend peeing in a mug. She said that's the mug she uses when she can't hold it anymore. That's the mug I put my coffee in every morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

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By NickDrakeFan - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

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By thanksfamily - United States - Bethesda

Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

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By Andy - United States

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

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By thatCanadianGuy7 - Canada

Today, I got beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's older brother who does mixed martial arts, because my ex saw me making out with another girl. We broke up over 6 months ago. FML

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By NewBride - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

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By karina17 - Canada

Today, my dad was supposed to come see me for our twice-a-year visit. He was 3 hours late. So I called, and asked him why he was late - he said 'Oh, something came up'. I asked him what was so important. Apparently, the garage needed cleaning. FML

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By drucle - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Druncle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bucyrus

Today, I told my mom I was finally going on a diet. She let me know how proud she is of me fighting temptation, by making my favorite cookies and dinner. FML

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By Magaña.i.am

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By happysingleone

Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

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By Cracky - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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By InsaneIdiots

Today, after recovering from surgery, I was leaving the clinic when a bucket of red paint was thrown at me, and a woman shouted that I was a murderer. I replied, "Sorry, would you like me to ask the doctor for my ovarian cyst back so I can pretend it was a fetus?" She hit me with her handbag. FML

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By pdnne - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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By Sticky - 8/11/2020 17:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Craft beer bores

Today, just before bed, I decided to put away the dry washing. I ended up knocking over my boyfriend's precious brewing ginger beer. It took me an hour to clean it off the floor, cupboards, door, outside and inside of the fridge. Everything is still sticky and smells of yeast. FML

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By yourwifelovesme

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

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By donguigeek - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing rugby. I was tackled very hard at the end of a play, and I got up to find my head bleeding profusely. Not one person offered to drive me to the ER. I had to drive myself to get six stitches in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML

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By CollegeGrad - United States

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

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By anon - Canada - Saint John

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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20919

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By JohnBlack - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking through the halls of my high school, me and my boyfriend shared a quick kiss. A young teacher walks by and tells us to stop due to Personal Display of Affection rules at our school. She then looks at my boyfriend and tells him he could do so much better. FML

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By Callum536 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML

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By Anonymous

"At least you've got a job" - Mr. Missingthepoint

Today, I drove an hour to work, did nothing for 8 hours, drove an hour back, and then studied for 4 hours. This has been happening for weeks. FML

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By grossed the f out

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By Andrew - Canada

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

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Top comments

By irwingiggles | 26

#6136721 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:42

at least you could make them happy

By Duh_0811 | 17

#6136724 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:45

At least your dogs were kind enough to clean it up for you.

COMMENTS

By irwingiggles | 26

#6136721 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:42

at least you could make them happy

kristabelli | 19

#6137075 - Saturday 6 December 2014 20:29

Awww OP that sucks. :( I may have cried.

kristabelli | 19

#6137145 - Saturday 6 December 2014 22:10

(If that had happened to me, that is.)

By Duh_0811 | 17

#6136724 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:45

At least your dogs were kind enough to clean it up for you.

SkyGuy32 | 17

#6138659 - Monday 8 December 2014 7:12

At least she didn't decide to bake a chocolate cake instead.

By Im2Shy | 16

#6136726 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:48

Just one of the perks of having dogs, anytime food is dropped they are always there and willing to clean that up for you every time. I'm sure they enjoyed their special surprise breakfast.

topher5110 | 7

#6136855 - Saturday 6 December 2014 16:16

some of them will even clean up they're own vomit or poo! so handy!

By birdybirdchirp | 18

#6136729 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:58

sure it might have been for you & you feel sick but seeing my dogs happy always makes me feel pretty good.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6136730 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:58

Not the most egg-cellent way to start the day...

cadillacgal79 | 32

#6136800 - Saturday 6 December 2014 14:59

That was an okay pun, I'll give you a thumbs up for that. Don't worry OP everybody has days where the world just hates us, at least you didn't have to clean up the mess. :)

quickit | 24

#6136805 - Saturday 6 December 2014 15:09

It looks like OP is on the verge of cracking.

Oyas12 | 14

#6138601 - Monday 8 December 2014 5:47

guys, these types of yokes aren't even cracking me up. Seriously, this can't be your boiling point.

skyjayq | 10

#6138846 - Monday 8 December 2014 12:31

these puns are quite punny

By Norja | 33

#6136731 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:59

As they say, one man's trash is another's treasure. Or in this case dogs'...

By isabellasimone | 18

#6136734 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:06

We have bad days sometimes, it's okay OP!

By worldclassrager | 39

#6136735 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:10

Doggone it!

By chosha_fml | 25

#6136736 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:10

Hope your day improves, OP. The dogs are probably feeling like they had the best start to the day ever, and that you are their fairy breakfast dropper.

By Classy_Sassy_15 | 15

#6136741 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:20

It'll get better OP, don't stress it to much it happens to the best of us sometimes.