Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice...

By Dani - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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Miscellaneous

Triage

Narcissistic parents FTW

Childfree

By Anonymous

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

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By Flippy - United States

Today, at work, I was reprimanded for not engaging with customers enough. In an effort to be more friendly, I complimented the next customer on her interesting accent. Turns out it was from a stroke she had last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

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By WasntMe - United States

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

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By Nikki

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

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By hoho5191 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 17:00

Last dates

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

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By Stress - Hong Kong - Central District

Very important note

Today, the teacher said the class today was very important and that we should take note. Instead of writing notes, I bought a recorder and brought it to class. After class, I listened to the recording and all I could hear was muffled voices. FML

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By SlowLane - United States

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

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By monkeylover996 - United States

Today, I had my 7 month check up for my pregnancy. The nurse weighed me and said, "I see you've gotten into the Halloween candy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

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By Dirtyswede - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was emailing a government employee at the place I'm hoping to get hired by. I realized too late I had been emailing her with my personal email address, which is rather jokey and unprofessional. She noticed and started referring to me as that. FML

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By muffintop - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, there was a a huge storm. There were no buses so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and this makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to spice things up by sneaking into the shower with me. Instead, he walked in on me pooping. I only had the shower running because I was afraid he would hear me taking a dump. FML

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By skichick54 - United States

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

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By FML - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

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By poopydaddy - Canada - Oakville

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML

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By Melissa - 8/3/2020 14:00

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, a week after my miscarriage, my little sister thought it appropriate to wrap her belt around her neck and scream, "Hey look, it's your baby!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

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By - Australia - Frankston

Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML

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By Watsausrname

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By da man - Canada

Today, my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess I had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into what I thought was my friends stomach. It was my Principal. FML

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By Annon - Australia

Today, the recycling bin caught fire. My little brother was "experimenting" with his magnifying glass, set an egg carton on fire and didn't realise you had to put it out before throwing it in the bin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

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By IssacB - United States

Today, I came home after just 3 weeks of being away. It seems like my pool now has its own mini-ecosystem. FML

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By Abandoned - United States

Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin and I needed to go to the restroom, so we told everyone before going. Less than three minutes later, we came out to find them gone, along with the cars. They forgot about their own kids. FML

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By FortuneFaded - South Africa

Today, is my mothers birthday. I decided to take her out to lunch. On the way there, we had a car accident. It was my fault. For my mothers birthday I gave her: 3 broken ribs. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

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By ohno - United States

Today, when I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were 3 girls loudly discussing blow job techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML

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By paywithpoop - United States

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

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By annon - Canada

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

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By gordy1220 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked to work. I later discovered that my husband had parked my car in a no-parking area. My job is towing cars. I had to tow my own car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up from surgery to have my appendix removed, only to be told by my wife it didn’t happen because my appendix was healthy. It turns out my intense pain was a rancid fart that lasted nearly 10 whole seconds while I was asleep and cut open on the operating table. FML

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Top comments

By irwingiggles | 26

#6136721 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:42

at least you could make them happy

By Duh_0811 | 17

#6136724 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:45

At least your dogs were kind enough to clean it up for you.

COMMENTS

By irwingiggles | 26

#6136721 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:42

at least you could make them happy

kristabelli | 19

#6137075 - Saturday 6 December 2014 20:29

Awww OP that sucks. :( I may have cried.

kristabelli | 19

#6137145 - Saturday 6 December 2014 22:10

(If that had happened to me, that is.)

By Duh_0811 | 17

#6136724 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:45

At least your dogs were kind enough to clean it up for you.

SkyGuy32 | 17

#6138659 - Monday 8 December 2014 7:12

At least she didn't decide to bake a chocolate cake instead.

By Im2Shy | 16

#6136726 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:48

Just one of the perks of having dogs, anytime food is dropped they are always there and willing to clean that up for you every time. I'm sure they enjoyed their special surprise breakfast.

topher5110 | 7

#6136855 - Saturday 6 December 2014 16:16

some of them will even clean up they're own vomit or poo! so handy!

By birdybirdchirp | 18

#6136729 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:58

sure it might have been for you & you feel sick but seeing my dogs happy always makes me feel pretty good.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6136730 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:58

Not the most egg-cellent way to start the day...

cadillacgal79 | 32

#6136800 - Saturday 6 December 2014 14:59

That was an okay pun, I'll give you a thumbs up for that. Don't worry OP everybody has days where the world just hates us, at least you didn't have to clean up the mess. :)

quickit | 24

#6136805 - Saturday 6 December 2014 15:09

It looks like OP is on the verge of cracking.

Oyas12 | 14

#6138601 - Monday 8 December 2014 5:47

guys, these types of yokes aren't even cracking me up. Seriously, this can't be your boiling point.

skyjayq | 10

#6138846 - Monday 8 December 2014 12:31

these puns are quite punny

By Norja | 33

#6136731 - Saturday 6 December 2014 12:59

As they say, one man's trash is another's treasure. Or in this case dogs'...

By isabellasimone | 18

#6136734 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:06

We have bad days sometimes, it's okay OP!

By worldclassrager | 39

#6136735 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:10

Doggone it!

By chosha_fml | 25

#6136736 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:10

Hope your day improves, OP. The dogs are probably feeling like they had the best start to the day ever, and that you are their fairy breakfast dropper.

By Classy_Sassy_15 | 15

#6136741 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:20

It'll get better OP, don't stress it to much it happens to the best of us sometimes.