Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the... - FML

By NoorFML - 13/9/2013 13:24 - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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Does it taste good?

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 20:56 - United States - South Hadley

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2015 19:51 - United States - Seattle

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

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By "levsterx" - 5/4/2017 02:00

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By crapgirl - 18/4/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By AntiAxe - 29/11/2010 06:23

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By HauntLife - 21/9/2017 20:00

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 17:00

Bird's eye view

Today, I found out that my shower area is in direct view from my neighbours' balcony. I realised this when I caught my neighbour and his wife watching me while I was getting dressed. I've been living here for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

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By fyou - 24/1/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I am contemplating ending my relationship of 6 years. My boyfriend is too busy playing with a plastic guitar to listen. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 16:54 - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

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By Smittynumerouno - 28/10/2016 03:13 - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

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By Username - 4/9/2010 13:24 - France

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

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By bambam - 12/5/2014 16:01 - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 05:01

Helping hand

Today, my granny has been constipated for the past two days. She is too weak to get out of bed, so I ended up trying to dig the poop out of her butthole with a spoon. Yay me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 16:24 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I went to a wake. When my dad picked me up, I was still pretty upset. Just when I'd had enough of death, the car hits a raccoon on the way home. FML

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By OMGraven - 19/2/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

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By michellemoyah - 25/2/2012 05:04 - United States

Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML

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By Kylene - 23/4/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 04:25 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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By HowToGetFired - 7/7/2015 20:20 - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By Pusillanimous - 19/7/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML

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By justagirl - 21/12/2019 14:00

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

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By Addison - 25/6/2012 00:28 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By Masonlee89 - 21/11/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

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By PoorGal - 19/10/2015 18:04 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my financial situation is so dire that I tried to steal toilet paper from work. I got caught. FML

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By PeedMaPants - 16/8/2016 00:04 - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

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By Crazy cat lady - 10/4/2015 15:20 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's noisiest cat passed away. My previously-silent cat has decided that someone has to fill the void, and has been running around the apartment howling ever since. FML

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By Forgotten - 6/9/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

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By Katie - 13/12/2012 18:00 - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2012 12:08 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 12:00

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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By storyteller - 4/10/2016 16:29 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML

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By Anon - 29/9/2015 03:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML

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By deadgrass - 29/3/2012 00:44 - United States - Middletown

Heavenly Shower

Today, I discovered that the stream of water that periodically falls onto the ground outside my apartment window isn't actually water. The guy above me regularly pees out of his window onto his balcony. FML

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By robthebuilder - 26/10/2010 06:35 - Canada

Today, while at work, I was asked to see my boss. I was informed that the company would be laying off 20 people, and that I was one of them. I was told I could finish off the week, then was sent back to work. Twenty minutes later, my boss walked around and handed us all Christmas party invitations. FML

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By merkris - 29/6/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said "What are you baby-sitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on the giraffe yelling at the top of his lungs. FML

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By Bald - 21/10/2014 15:41 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my son gave me a bottle of shampoo for my birthday. I'm as bald as a coot. FML

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Top comments

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5671801 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:44

At least you could sleep a while longer :)

By mpsteve137 | 15

#5671803 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:44

Well It must have felt awesome to go back to sleep

COMMENTS

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5671801 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:44

At least you could sleep a while longer :)

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#5672064 - Friday 13 September 2013 23:45

I agree, there aren't too many things better than the feeling you get when you realize you have more time to sleep

By ven980 | 10

#5671802 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:44

Well at least you got an early start

By mpsteve137 | 15

#5671803 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:44

Well It must have felt awesome to go back to sleep

By debbster7 | 18

#5671804 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:44

At least you're early!

By Welshite | 39

#5671805 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:45

Your life truly does suck, Noor. What does this make? Three?

Reply

HowieDoIt | 21

#5671838 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:54

I believe this clocks in at 3, although i can't confirm Noor deny it.

By BeautifulChaos27 | 37

#5671808 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:46

How did you miss the placement of the : ?

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Tall_Enough | 10

#5671859 - Friday 13 September 2013 20:05

when you've just woken up you can't see too good and you're mind doesn't work as well, many reasons why OP could have mistaken the time.

Reply

KikaKovi | 7

#5672152 - Saturday 14 September 2013 1:02

*your, ffs

Reply

ChenShiMing | 8

#5672314 - Saturday 14 September 2013 3:05

And the upside-down 5...

Reply

blackbeltpsycho | 16

#5672717 - Saturday 14 September 2013 7:24

Assuming the alarm clock was digital, the 5 would appear the same upside down as it would normally.

Reply

RedDragonx32 | 8

#5675656 - Monday 16 September 2013 10:01

maybe OP wears glasses.

Reply

JustMe1600 | 10

#6366096 - Thursday 30 July 2015 8:55

he was in bed. even if he did he wouldn't have them on.

By thatnucca | 36

#5671815 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:48

At least you didn't have to snooze it for the whimsical life changing 5 extra minutes of sleep like I did this morning...

By SimplyBird | 9

#5671817 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:48

the early bird gets the worm I guess

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5671932 - Friday 13 September 2013 21:24

But "the second mouse gets the cheese". :P

Reply

Kibaruto | 33

#5672072 - Friday 13 September 2013 23:52

But if Noor is a ninja and not a bird or a mouse, what does a ninja get?

Reply

Fuji76 | 15

#5672200 - Saturday 14 September 2013 1:35

Fortune cookies???

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#5671820 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:48

Dunno if the worse part is waking up way earlier or the inability to go back to sleep..

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5671937 - Friday 13 September 2013 21:28

I know there are a lot of people like that; once they're up, they're up! Luck for me, I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I'm thinking a quick power nap is going to be in my near future! (:

By olpally | 32

#5671821 - Friday 13 September 2013 19:49

Oh noor. Haha. Silly. Hope you went back to sleep!!