Health: Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with...

By stupiddrunk - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

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Health

Great boyfriend, part 2

Out of the frying pan

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By justmyluck - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

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By jlowder2 - United States

Technique

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

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By NotSoSmart - United States - Ventura

Dr. Phil

Today, in the spirit of being helpful, I accidentally convinced the girl I'm secretly in love with to stay with her boyfriend. FML

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By baddaddy

Today, my psycho ex is threatening to take me to court on child abuse allegations. How did I abuse them? I “gendered” our children by buying them certain colored clothing and toys... that they’d asked for. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 14:30 - United States - Alexandria

Thanks guys

Today I was offered an opportunity on Instagram from a local lady to take photos of her home for her. I told my friends, because I was shocked. They were shocked too. But in the nicest terms possible, they were shocked because my Instagram "isn’t really professional enough to get such offers." Ouch. FML

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By Ihatemyjob - United States

Today, my boss told me that he didn’t want to promote me because my, “scores were too good.” He then told me that I would be getting twice as much work to do than my coworkers, without a raise. I work minimum wage. FML

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By ditched?? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

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By Jeff make - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

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By krabby patty

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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By carsuck - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By meantowheels - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

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By skygoddess - United States

Today, I was at my job as a flight attendant. A passenger on my plane stopped breathing and turned blue. As I cleared his airways and was busy strapping an oxygen mask to his face, the passenger behind him tried to hand me her trash. Apparently I'm a walking trash can, no matter what I'm doing. FML

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By DrunkPeopleSuck

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

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By delicious - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

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By backstabbed - Australia

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

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By Kikinovak - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

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By UniGrad2019 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my unemployed boyfriend to pick a town anywhere in the country that he thinks he can find work in. I offered to find myself a job there, find a flat, and pay for rent, bills, and food while he looks. He said I was selfish for wanting him to hurry up. It's been three years. FML

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By virgin

Early program

Today, I was so excited because tomorrow I'm going to be losing my virginity. I just used the bathroom and I got my period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to withdraw 200 dollars. At the ATM, I noticed a suspicious man standing really close to me. I was nervous about entering my pin number, and worrying he was looking at my account information. In my panic, I got all the way home before realizing that I left the cash in the machine. FML

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By metallifreak44 - Canada

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

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By Yippie - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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By ilikeirishducks - Italy

Today, I had a bath in the bathroom we are currently renovating. There's a big hole in the middle of the floor. When I got out of the bath, I swung one leg across the gap to get a towel from the rack. I drew back my leg and looked down to see my brother's hot friend staring up at me in horror. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

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By caryl101698 - United States - Medford

Today, after spending $850 on having our siding, roof and windows powerwashed, a 5-minute storm blew the siding clear off the house. FML

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By Gavin - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

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By Scarlett_Pixie - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

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By mommy - United States - North Andover

Today, my ex-husband came to pick up our two kids for his weekend with them. Seeing his new girlfriend was in the car, and desperate for conversation, I asked her name. My kids unhesitatingly blurted out, "Mom". FML

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By Stairway2Heaven - Canada

Judgmental much!?

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

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By youwouldbeacat - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

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By fmlguy

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Battleford

Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML

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Top comments

By ritzbits | 0

#2135734 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

it wouldn't been sexier if you were naked.

By kingtz | 6

#2135827 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:12

Kinky! YDI for not getting electrified nipple clamps to go with your outfit.

COMMENTS

By ritzbits | 0

#2135734 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

it wouldn't been sexier if you were naked.

yazmi_09 | 3

#2135837 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:13

kinky night eh?

LaneyyLOVE | 0

#2135858 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:20

Really! Mustv'e been one hell of a night!

bebz_fml | 0

#2135951 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:51

you could take the collar off..

AsianCookie247 | 14

#2135961 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:54

hahaha ^^ I was thinking the same thing

redbluegreen | 40

#2135964 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:57

How would you suggest they take the collar off if they have handcuffs on?

goodbacon | 2

#2136018 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 10:26

Reach behind his head and unhook it. Just because he's handcuffed doesn't mean he cant move his hands together.

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#2136265 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 12:51

No, you can still reach over your head and behind your neck.

smfyo | 0

#2136520 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 14:56

haha

HomeAl0ne | 20

#2137778 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 20:02

Naked, hands cuffed behind his back and with the electric dog collar around his genitals.

That's how my mom would have done it.

tashaburr | 0

#2137907 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 21:00

I bet the dog was the one who got the op drunk...lol

nutsackmuscle | 0

#2138118 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 22:41

hello OP do you wanna play little game. :)

vabeach94 | 0

#2138140 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 22:48

what if it was locked as well

teddy4nyy | 13

#2138297 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 23:24

i hate to think how u found out where the keys were

GreatGeak | 8

#2144885 - Thursday 3 March 2011 10:16

100, Saw reference?

izztranlyn | 2

#2217781 - Monday 21 March 2011 19:06

lol

t52280 | 2

#5118436 - Monday 5 November 2012 21:36

Your dumb.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5948937 - Sunday 18 May 2014 8:00

the better idea is turning off the fence...

By dank1 | 0

#2135738 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

Like old times...FIRST!!!

duckie227 | 22

#2135750 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:59

second you mean? haha fail

By neskian | 0

#2135748 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:59

third!

By lol_ironic_life | 9

#2135752 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:00

hmm...tough one op unless you're very flexible and can get your arms to the front of your body. Ouch :/

iSitt | 0

#2135944 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:50

op didn't say his hands were behind him.
and the book DUNE says you are human, so you can ignore the non lethal (by design) shock to reach the keys.

However, pics of you last night are all over facebook by now. So fyl for that.

xiaoxaio | 5

#3668088 - Thursday 1 December 2011 6:28

damn op, you really know how to party

By darkpyro0988 | 0

#2135761 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:01

you probably were the one who suggested in your drunken stupor that you could pull off the escape... I don't feel bad for you OP

deewekoms | 0

#2141565 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 16:18

win

By Qluz | 3

#2135763 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:02

invisible doggy fence.....?!

Ranimal | 12

#2135811 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:08

It's like a sensor parameter so dogs get shocked if they go near or past the edge of it.

CrazyGirl445 | 4

#2136311 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 13:13

I was wondering the same thing

magmarofl | 5

#3232454 - Sunday 4 September 2011 8:19

Basically it's an invisible fence if the dog or whatever is wearing the collar passes it will get shocked to mark the area you place special flags it's happened to me also