Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with...

By stupiddrunk - 1/3/2011 01:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

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Health

DINOSAURS!!

Whatthefuckaburger

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 15:44 - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

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By theskippster - 30/5/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

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By sarahijklmnop - 15/11/2012 01:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

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By V - 23/7/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

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By Hank-T4 - 11/10/2015 11:45 - Australia - Truganina

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

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By arthise - 9/10/2013 07:03 - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

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By picklemonger - 8/12/2011 19:58 - Canada

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

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By Daryll - 22/1/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I met a girl who had a deeper voice than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 10:55 - Australia

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

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By this is impossible - 5/1/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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By anthony512 - 24/5/2013 16:08 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after a sleepless night, I fell asleep at my work desk. When I awoke, I found my co-workers had duct taped me to my chair. I was yelling at them to untape me, when our boss came in, scolded me for fucking about on the job, and left without saying a word to my colleagues. FML

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By Tom Ali - 10/1/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML

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By stupidrobot - 3/9/2015 20:14 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to complete a simple math problem to submit a web form in order to show that I wasn't a spam robot. I got it wrong. I'm officially too bad at arithmetic to prove I'm human. FML

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By Rekt - 10/11/2016 05:40 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By megmo7 - 4/10/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, my roommate who stays out til 4 or 5 in the morning each night got her key to the dorm fixed. I've been having to stay up nightly to let her in (my normal bedtime being 12:00) How'd they fix it? Turns out it was never broken she was just putting the key in the slot wrong. FML

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By Kellie - 31/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By UHLSucksSTL - 6/10/2016 15:50 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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By animallover - 26/6/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

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By Lameartist - 12/2/2012 10:36

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

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By ihateguys - 26/9/2014 19:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I heard my boyfriend talking with my father in the backyard. I thought he was asking for my hand in marriage. He was actually telling him about his plans to break up with me. FML

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By gas money - 22/11/2015 04:34 - United States - Reno

Today, I found $100 on the ground. My mom is taking $40 because she was there. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2018 18:30

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

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By Miki13 - 11/11/2012 20:27 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 08:01

Gamergate

Today, after I bought a gaming system two days ago, for too much money, to distract myself from all the horrible things going on in my life and the world, it broke. So now I’m trying to distract myself from the thing I bought to distract myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2020 06:01

Gentrification strikes !

Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 17:56 - United States

Today, I was looking at some cellphones with my dad, when an assistant asked if we needed help. My dad said, "Yeah, does this have parental controls? My son watches some freaky stuff, some damn freaky stuff." I don't watch anything weird, but thanks for humiliating me, dad. FML

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By Novocain - 20/4/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 14:38 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, a week after my miscarriage, my little sister thought it appropriate to wrap her belt around her neck and scream, "Hey look, it's your baby!" FML

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By awkward. - 29/12/2012 15:50 - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

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By birdsterrifyme - 23/3/2015 04:42 - United States - Sikeston

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

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By powerless - 14/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

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By lulu - 11/2/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

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By shtzbutnogiggles - 17/5/2016 14:10 - United States

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

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By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

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By Smokey - 31/7/2017 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbours are mad at me because I smoke. I don't smoke on the balcony, I walk away from the apartment complex so that they won't be affected by my bad habit. They're still mad at me because they can still see me. Didn't know that you could smell with your eyes. FML

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By duncan74 - 10/12/2014 03:23 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, my 9 month old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

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Top comments

By ritzbits | 0

#2135734 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

it wouldn't been sexier if you were naked.

By kingtz | 6

#2135827 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:12

Kinky! YDI for not getting electrified nipple clamps to go with your outfit.

COMMENTS

By ritzbits | 0

#2135734 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

it wouldn't been sexier if you were naked.

yazmi_09 | 3

#2135837 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:13

kinky night eh?

LaneyyLOVE | 0

#2135858 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:20

Really! Mustv'e been one hell of a night!

bebz_fml | 0

#2135951 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:51

you could take the collar off..

AsianCookie247 | 14

#2135961 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:54

hahaha ^^ I was thinking the same thing

redbluegreen | 40

#2135964 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:57

How would you suggest they take the collar off if they have handcuffs on?

goodbacon | 2

#2136018 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 10:26

Reach behind his head and unhook it. Just because he's handcuffed doesn't mean he cant move his hands together.

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#2136265 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 12:51

No, you can still reach over your head and behind your neck.

smfyo | 0

#2136520 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 14:56

haha

HomeAl0ne | 20

#2137778 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 20:02

Naked, hands cuffed behind his back and with the electric dog collar around his genitals.

That's how my mom would have done it.

tashaburr | 0

#2137907 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 21:00

I bet the dog was the one who got the op drunk...lol

nutsackmuscle | 0

#2138118 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 22:41

hello OP do you wanna play little game. :)

vabeach94 | 0

#2138140 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 22:48

what if it was locked as well

teddy4nyy | 13

#2138297 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 23:24

i hate to think how u found out where the keys were

GreatGeak | 8

#2144885 - Thursday 3 March 2011 10:16

100, Saw reference?

izztranlyn | 2

#2217781 - Monday 21 March 2011 19:06

lol

t52280 | 2

#5118436 - Monday 5 November 2012 21:36

Your dumb.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5948937 - Sunday 18 May 2014 8:00

the better idea is turning off the fence...

By dank1 | 0

#2135738 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:57

Like old times...FIRST!!!

duckie227 | 22

#2135750 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:59

second you mean? haha fail

By neskian | 0

#2135748 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 8:59

third!

By lol_ironic_life | 9

#2135752 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:00

hmm...tough one op unless you're very flexible and can get your arms to the front of your body. Ouch :/

iSitt | 0

#2135944 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:50

op didn't say his hands were behind him.
and the book DUNE says you are human, so you can ignore the non lethal (by design) shock to reach the keys.

However, pics of you last night are all over facebook by now. So fyl for that.

xiaoxaio | 5

#3668088 - Thursday 1 December 2011 6:28

damn op, you really know how to party

By darkpyro0988 | 0

#2135761 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:01

you probably were the one who suggested in your drunken stupor that you could pull off the escape... I don't feel bad for you OP

deewekoms | 0

#2141565 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 16:18

win

By Qluz | 3

#2135763 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:02

invisible doggy fence.....?!

Ranimal | 12

#2135811 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 9:08

It's like a sensor parameter so dogs get shocked if they go near or past the edge of it.

CrazyGirl445 | 4

#2136311 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 13:13

I was wondering the same thing

magmarofl | 1

#3232454 - Sunday 4 September 2011 8:19

Basically it's an invisible fence if the dog or whatever is wearing the collar passes it will get shocked to mark the area you place special flags it's happened to me also