Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where...

By Tomato

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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2635

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Serious times

Phantom pooper

By swiggityswooty - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

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45952

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7329

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By drugdealersgf

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10033

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1060

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By chappedchap - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, we were notified that our office will be relocated. Employees can tag along but their wages will not be adjusted accordingly. The cost of living at the new place is way higher. I have to finish my contract and really can't afford to not have a job right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19556

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1227

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By awks - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, I was dismissed from my job at an unemployment agency. In order to receive financial support from the government I need to be cooperating with a job service provider. They paired me up with the same place I was just fired from. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42867

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By just a joke - 8/6/2020 20:08

He has issues

Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2388

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302

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By confused - 12/6/2020 02:06

Can't win

Today, I was told by my wife that she was moving in with her mother, because I was causing her to have panic attacks. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she needs a few months to herself. I have given her her way for most of our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1394

You deserved it

260

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By Claustrophobic - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38172

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By Puzzlepiece - Australia - Lakemba

Today, I spent the whole day doing a 500 piece puzzle. The last piece didn't fit. FML

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47122

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6582

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32881

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1926

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By Anonymous - United States - Muncie

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56570

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By ugh - United States

Today, I told one of my teachers I have to attend a family member's funeral on a day she's passing a test. She straight up asked if I could reschedule it, and if not if I could just give it a miss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23229

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you're going to pour bleach on bugs to kill them, you need to be prepared for them to fly up and try to attack your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10624

You deserved it

38256

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By where's the epipen - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9725

You deserved it

864

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By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57453

You deserved it

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By mainlineloser - United States - Narberth

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32340

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3322

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By arrow

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3440

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356

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend left me for another girl. My dad's reaction to the news and my tears was to say, "Aww. Gonna write a song about it, Taylor Swift?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

57813

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By mandy - United States

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

137298

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML

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1437

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By Username - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

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29050

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By tamralee

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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1086

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684

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By Boyufd - 8/6/2020 17:06

Never get involved

Today, my sister told me her ex-boyfriend abused her and I went to go confront him. Turns out, she lied because he dumped her after she cheated on him. I got my ass kicked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1587

You deserved it

516

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By mrmarshall

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

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2306

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164

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By Calimero0 - 24/3/2020 16:00

All-natural, Facebook-sourced, Mother-in-law

Today, my mother-in-law thinks she's the only person in the world who can stop the coronavirus crisis. So far, she has brought thyme, honey, lemons, parsley, ridiculously expensive and poisonous silver water and, of course, the cure-all: berry juice. You'd wonder how I have managed to keep my family alive until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1411

You deserved it

115

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By Freebie - United States - Altoona

Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4670

You deserved it

344

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By WhoaThere - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28360

You deserved it

9611

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By blabbermouth - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13007

You deserved it

37118

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By concernedcousin

Onan would be proud

Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2386

You deserved it

138

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By cuppincake - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47097

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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28009

You deserved it

11901

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By Where is the faith in Humanity - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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44269

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By apparentlynotengaged - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

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1718

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276

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32122

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7934

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By TheGoodTwin - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's the grieving widow of his friend who died three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35173

You deserved it

2786

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By Patrick R - United States

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39989

You deserved it

6962

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By Anonymous

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

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1642

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By Whatthehell - United States - Soddy Daisy

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21910

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

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16582

You deserved it

27763

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By cogu - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30116

You deserved it

6507

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By Pissed - New Zealand

Today, I was standing in the gas station, pulling out my wallet to pay the $100 of gas I just filled my car with. I opened my wallet and found a note saying "borrowed money for food". FML

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42282

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Top comments

By toelie | 25

#7528515 - Friday 11 August 2017 16:02

So, how long do you usually keep wearing semen-stained clothes?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7528498 - Friday 11 August 2017 15:28

Everyone knows that black light reveals old, dried-up semen.

So, was the stain on the front or the back?

COMMENTS

By Aiden Stubblefield | 9

#7526218 - Monday 7 August 2017 20:41

did they?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7528498 - Friday 11 August 2017 15:28

Everyone knows that black light reveals old, dried-up semen.

So, was the stain on the front or the back?

Michael Angelo Constancio | 7

#7543303 - Wednesday 20 September 2017 17:22

Lol I love this guy's comments

By toelie | 25

#7528515 - Friday 11 August 2017 16:02

So, how long do you usually keep wearing semen-stained clothes?

zeffra13 | 31

#7529028 - Saturday 12 August 2017 21:17

Blacklights can light up stains even if they've been through several washes.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7528529 - Friday 11 August 2017 17:06

You'd think people would be too busy roller skating to semen stains.

By anyoldnamewilldo | 23

#7528544 - Friday 11 August 2017 18:08

Soap and water will help that. Seriously though, you wear nasty semen stained clothes to work? Gross.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7528593 - Friday 11 August 2017 19:58

Seems like you weren't to sure about the stain, were you upset about it or are you bragging about having sex sometime in the past.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7528613 - Friday 11 August 2017 20:22

All you got to do now is smear semen all over your shorts. Nobody else would noticed that stain when your whole shorts lights up like a Christmas tree.

By RockPrincess26 | 16

#7528642 - Friday 11 August 2017 21:02

You're one nasty motherfucker.

By pjsr | 32

#7528735 - Saturday 12 August 2017 1:55

As long as they don't ask, "Hey, where can I get some of that cool glow in the dark stuff for my shorts?"

By A.c. Vena | 3

#7529017 - Saturday 12 August 2017 20:38

Don't know what a 'washing machine' is?