By SimpleSimon - 01/07/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML
I agree, your life sucks 47 289
You deserved it 19 712

Same thing different taste

Top comments

Deeno15 0

i don't know one man/guy that doesn't **********

Couldn't you just **** into tissue papers?


NeonBlue 0

You're in a sticky situation.

fmlbiach 0

am I the only one who thinks men who ********** are sexy as hell?

beannlove 7

am i the only one wondering why he uses condoms to **********, but not during sex? i swear, no one has common sense anymore..

dantee2005 33

I was thinking the same thing

Deeno15 0

i don't know one man/guy that doesn't **********

I din't! That isn't hard to find! Just because you whack off doesn't mean everyone does!

@Chfanfiction. Its pretty healty do it so every day. It lowers the chance of getting prostate cancer. I do it every day, keep my hormones under control else I might get hard on embarrassing moments. :-o

That's okay. Everyone gets cancer eventually.

A) You're horrible B) You're stupid - The average Englishman masturbates around eight times a week.

dude i ********** probably 8 times...a DAY

Horrible? Why? And I don't think even if I did that I could do it eight times a week. Maybe once a month if I did, but I don't, so it doesn't matter.

randomdude1234 0

It's ok, it's hard to ********** before you hit puberty.

ithedarkknight 0

lmao everyone ********** i dont care what anyone says girl guys your mom your dad everyone... that pretty girl in your class you think is so hot..... that mysterious cool dude you girls like.... she or he masturbates too... we all do it get over its what we do ask someone whats better then sex....... nothin lol the second best thing is jerkin for guys and girls rubbin clockwise and counterclock wise!

Uhh...I'm in mid-swing, superhorny puberty. I don't. That isn't weird, just abnormal.

Oh, ha ha ha! it's sooooooo funny because obviously since I don't jerk it like a deranged monkey, I must be some ninny, flower-picking little girl, unlike you, who by comparison are a strong, awesome manly man who loves bacon and ******* and who frequently accidentally impales women with your gargantuan penis! It all makes sense now!

Chfanfiction, please grow up. I don't know any boys who don't do it. They all openly admit to it. And unlike you, they're all calm and laid back. Perhaps, because you don't say hello to your little fellow very often, you've got lots of pent up stress that needs releasing? Seriously, judging by your nickname, you're into some kind of man on man manga stuff, so just go whack one out and stop complaining at people for wanking.

Sounds like he is getting defensive to me, like he does it all the time but doesnt want anyone to know... Just saying... It was once said there are 2 kinds of people in this world... Those who ********** and liars... hehe... Oh and apparently it keeps sperm healthy if guys **********, kinda an out with the old in with the new lol... lowers the chance of some genetic diseases or mutations...

The name is pretty convoluted, it really doesn't have much to do with anything. The reason I'm acting like this is because I'm tired of being made fun of for not doing something just because others do. To be honest, if i want to relieve stress I'm going to read a book. Something not penis-related, thank you.

Dude people aren't making fun of you because you claim you don't **********, they're making fun of you because you flew off the handle and went on a tirade about deranged monkeys

Which was because the person was making fun of me.

Spack away solidly for a bit. You might just like it. :)

themanistheman 0

i have friction burns on my penis, i ********** so much

lol i know a few. but mostly everybody does. today a few of my friends and i had a conversation wit some chicks about masturebating, cocks, and related subjects. lol tht was interesting

really cuz my average is twice a day. sometimes 3.

Not one person doesn't or not end up masturbating, I know I do.

Masturbation is for n00bs that can't get the real thing.

Really? It's for 'N00bs'? Because I'm pretty sure any guy that calls anybody 'n00bs' because they ********** is either gay or too caught up in playing MW3

Couldn't you just **** into tissue papers?

omgznoes 0

precisely no one posh wanks, no one.

There are more reasons to using condoms then just the mess, for example it trains guys to last longer.

I have had the exact same thing happen... except, no one was around to hear it... That sucks man.

Why not just use tissues? They are much cheaper than condoms.

Eeeuwww, a sock is just nasty! Reminds me of :D

guys really use socks!! i kinda get ut but i wouldnt try it. i asked a shtload of people and they said they didnt use socks

chrisgllgs 0

Coming from someone named "HeWhoEatsAll" why don't you just eat your own cum? Personally, I let it fly and wipe it up when I'm done. A condom when you ********** seems stupid. It eliminates all of the sensation.

randomdude1234 0

Why the hell would you let if fly everywhere. That is nasty. FY friends life if they ever go into a room where you've masturbated!

Let it fly? That's kind of disgusting. Do it into a toilet or toilet paper/tissue at least...

Since when does FML show such mercy with the voting? YDI all the way.

So let me get this practice unsafe sex, but safe masturbation? That's retarded.

Condoms are not the only form of contraception. Think (:

It's not unsafe if she's on a contraception like the pill, the injection or the implant. Also, they may know neither of them have any STI's. My boyfriend and I don't use condoms as I'm on the implant and neither of us have any STI's.

This guy was being funny... so sick of all the know-it-alls on FML lately...take a joke! PS I lol'd

actually it's been officially changed to STI... sorry. Sexually Transmitted Infection. They aren't all diseases...

ElMundio87 0

#12 Anyone who relies solely on the pill is an idiot. The pill is not as effective as pill + condom, and offers no protection against STDs. In b4 "my boyfriend has no STDs", you can never be sure what he's been up to when you aren't with him. If he won't use a condom with you, he probably doesn't with other girls either.

We've been together for 4 years and it was both our decision to not use condoms, it wasn't just HIS decision. And we both trust each other. Plenty of couples don't use condoms.

#16 It's either STI or STD. Infection or Disease.

What? If he doesn't use a condom with you he doesn't with other girls? He's not supposed to be with other girls, and why wouldn't he use a condom with them if he did? That would be retarded. Besides, condoms ruin the feeling and the pill is way safer than just a condom anyway.

The girl he was having an affair with might not use the pill.. But using the pill instead of condoms is more effective than condoms alone, And why use condom and pill, when condoms can lessen the feeling.

boatkicker 4

Either she's on birth control or maybe they wanted a baby? I'd say thats a pretty damn good reason for not wanting to use a condom.... lol

Not necessarily, I know that in Canadian school's we're taught that STD's are the outdated term, it's Sexually Transmitted Infections.

#49, it amazes me that you're the only one to mention that. Granted, they're not married, but really, nowadays it's not as big of a deal, and the OP did say that his girlfriend couldn't have gotten pregnant, but we didn't know that. People seem to forget that sex is not just for recreation. Some people WANT to get pregnant. It's not supposed to be a "side effect" you try to avoid.

You're just assuming that this guy, who you don't know, is cheating. Lighten up, if she trusts then that should be good enough, it just sounds like your looking to upset someone.

fyourlife33 0

yeah but youre from canada so noone cares

Sasha__Love 0

You do know no form of birth control is 100% effective, the implants can slip or malfunction, even on the pill it is best to use a condom because they too have a failure rate. How do you know your boyfriend doesn't have any STDs? Did you take his word for it or get him tested? Do you get tested regularly? It may seem like you don't trust him to continually have him get tested, but so what? People can cheat and you are being practical and safe.

You're way too paranoid. Why would you date someone who you always think could be cheating? As well, condoms have a higher fail rate than the pill or implants.

Sasha__Love 0

But the chance that they would fail at the exact same time is slim to nill. That's why I use both forms of birth control. It's not so much cheating, either, though it is a possiblity, but some dissases don't show up right away, everyone should be tested for STDs regularly.

Yeah, plus, why even buy condoms if he's not using them for anything productive, like protecting the both of them from disease or making sure girlfriend-on-the-killer-fail-proof-birth-control doesn't get pregnant.

As #14 said, I was kidding. However, "safe sex", by definition, means safe from diseases and infections. Condoms are the only method that provides such safety. If you think otherwise, I strongly suggest that you re-enroll in 7th grade sex ed class and try to learn something this time.

uh oh, looks like I have to note all of these scientifical statements in my medical journal...

Wait what? You use a condom to **********, I just let mine run free if you know what I mean. No-one ever finds out.

You just let it go? Geez, your room must be covered with the stuff