Love: Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed... - FML

01/08/2015 04:10 - United States - Erie

Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 965

You deserved it 3 179

The smell detective is on the case

Broken heart

Baby you can drive my car

12/05/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 682

You deserved it 434

01/11/2015 15:12

Today, we had a great night out with my girlfriend and even won a costume contest together. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a great night, because when I got home I found that someone had robbed my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 226

You deserved it 1 312

19/08/2012 16:52 - Sweden - H?lleforsn

Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 641

You deserved it 5 446

25/02/2014 21:17 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, during class our teacher asked us, "Who is Uncle Sam?" A girl answered, "He's the guy who founded KFC, right?" I'm in an AP class and have to put up with these morons constantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 002

You deserved it 4 519

25/07/2013 05:47 - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 473

You deserved it 3 709

25/02/2013 03:41 - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 331

You deserved it 57 497

26/12/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 868

You deserved it 40 058

13/09/2010 09:14 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 033

You deserved it 13 488

09/05/2010 16:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 042

You deserved it 5 211

17/04/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 076

You deserved it 349 629

18/02/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 476

You deserved it 2 419

25/10/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while at the store, my fly became undone. It doesn't seem that bad unless an old lady comes to "zip it up for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 259

You deserved it 4 111

06/09/2013 20:36

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 095

You deserved it 3 436

23/06/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 859

You deserved it 5 035

05/07/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 722

You deserved it 2 208

17/09/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 180

You deserved it 3 314

15/06/2016 21:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 924

You deserved it 1 974

12/10/2014 17:38 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 890

You deserved it 4 195

Polly Want a Wax

By Baldy - 07/09/2017 13:00

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 620

You deserved it 627

22/12/2017 19:00

Today I saved my wife's puppy from drowning in an icy pond and I ended up in the ER struggling to breath from the water in my lungs. When my wife showed up to see me, I caught her flirting with my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 656

You deserved it 321

28/05/2012 03:24 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, an extremely hot police officer reprimanded me. It was pretty awkward considering she stopped me because of public urination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 864

You deserved it 34 150

19/01/2009 23:12 - Australia

Today, I was watching TV and realised I am attracted to Sandra Oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 18 323

10/01/2019 12:00

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 3 901

You wanker!

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 1 789

25/01/2010 18:17 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 500

You deserved it 32 335

09/08/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 458

You deserved it 3 145

04/12/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she could include mashed potatoes and gravy with dinner. She then went on to yell at me about my "unhealthy eating habits" and how I've "gained a lot of weight in the past few months". I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 896

You deserved it 4 162

10/05/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 569

You deserved it 5 079

09/02/2013 01:00 - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 422

You deserved it 2 889

23/01/2009 06:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 965

You deserved it 7 810

12/06/2009 01:15 - Canada

Today, I saw some friends' cars at a friend's house, but thought nothing about it. Then I found pictures on Facebook of the pool party they had as a going away party for my friend who is leaving the country for three months. I had no idea my friend was leaving and I was the only one not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 448

You deserved it 5 247

TMI

By Grossedouttt - 04/07/2009 04:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 303

You deserved it 3 694

11/06/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 248

You deserved it 16 480

01/12/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 287

You deserved it 28 036

14/02/2018 08:30

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 460

You deserved it 559

Our house, in the middle of our street

By Anonymous - 09/08/2021 02:01

Today, and over the years, my wife has methodically destroyed our house, insisting she is good at DIY. Our house is either in bits, half-finished or falling apart. I had it confirmed by a realtor, who assessed the house as worth 100 grand less than we paid for it. It’s a building site with a roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 182

19/09/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I found out that I had my first born child. It's a boy. I found out on facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 632

You deserved it 15 258

15/06/2016 06:18 - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 166

You deserved it 1 010

29/07/2019 18:00

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 1 977

Narcolepsy

By Isuckreallybad - 06/02/2021 21:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep during sex. This isn't the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 327

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:38

I would've honestly asked him if i could go over so I could play with the cat.. But that's just me

Yolomcswaggin420 17

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:38

I guess that date was a "cat-a strophe"

Comments

Yolomcswaggin420 17

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:38

I guess that date was a "cat-a strophe"

carebear1228 20

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

your comment was a catastrophe.

Yolomcswaggin420 17

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:42

You don't understand humour you fucking mistake of a person

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:47

Quit with the cringe inducing puns already or at least have the courtesy to make it funny.

alfalfalaffa 17

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:51

If OP's date would have woke the cat he surely would have gotten attacked and exclaimed: "Me... OW!"

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Sunday 2 August 2015 3:01

stop it #19

alfalfalaffa 17

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Sunday 2 August 2015 21:45

I will not stop. While I can't say the same for those who hear it, telling puns gives me a 100% satisfaction rate. Saying a great pun with good timing is fulfilling in and of itself, but saying a crummy pun is equally satisfying. The way some people twist and turn as if their are in a state of extreme psychological anguish is very gratifying.

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:38

I would've honestly asked him if i could go over so I could play with the cat.. But that's just me

ptoka 20

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Sunday 2 August 2015 4:13

Of course! Then maybe he could have 2 cats to play with at his place.... Genius

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Sunday 2 August 2015 4:46

No, you can't play with my cat ; he's taking a nap right now .

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:38

He's not good enough for you if that's his excuse..

Kaos_Yggdrasil 7

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

dumbass lol

Paksenarrion 24

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:39

If that is actually what happened then that is ADORABLE!

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Sunday 2 August 2015 5:15

Not really. He could have texted to let OP know he wasn't coming, rather than waiting for her to hunt him down.

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Sunday 2 August 2015 15:52

#5 Yeah, not showing up for a date is SO adorable, especially when a cat can be woken and go back to sleep in about 5 seconds flat.

booze_n_bitches 35

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:40

"Pleading cat" - a genuine excuse in my household to excuse oneself from any activity. I'm with him on this one.

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Sunday 2 August 2015 20:43

As far as excuses for ditching a date go, that is up there with a family death. Totally justified.

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:43

Well, I guess we all know which pussy he prefers. Sorry OP. :c

rileyrae0000 23

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Sunday 2 August 2015 1:15

Bad pun

TheKingOfHearts 19

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Sunday 2 August 2015 4:51

Genius pun. ;)

MyDadLeftMeInKFC 21

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:43

Sounds like something I would do.

Mitchellbassists 29

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:44

I'd say he has his priorities straight.

RealSuperSand 21

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Sunday 2 August 2015 0:44

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 356

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 69