Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her... - FML

By Spanky - 23/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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My body, my choice

Facts over feelings

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 07:06 - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 05:09 - United States - Boston

Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML

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By amm - 12/11/2018 13:30

Today, my boyfriend started tickling me relentlessly. I am extremely ticklish and accidentally kicked him in the shin whilst squirming. He’s now trying to get me arrested for assault. FML

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By emilyupsidedown - 16/1/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

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By Anonyme - 9/7/2011 00:11 - France

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

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By Mia - 26/1/2019 02:00

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 00:15 - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By georgiana072 - 22/9/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

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By bntje - 14/4/2013 20:39 - Netherlands - Holten

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

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By I hate nasty people - 5/4/2012 16:18 - United States - South Bend

Today, my new roommate took a shower. This would be a good thing, except for the fact that it's apparently taken her two months just to take this one. I have to live with her for another year. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 14:00 - Belgium

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

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By Adam - 16/1/2017 08:00

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:35 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

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By Celluloid - 29/4/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:30 - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By RingofFire - 3/6/2016 23:23 - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By BirdWatching - 31/3/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 04:38 - Canada

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

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By Trama1201 - 4/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Boston

My short hair!

Today, I went to the library to bring back some books, I walked up to the counter and the librarian turned to me and said "What can I do for you young man?" I'm a girl. FML

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By partypooper - 28/7/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

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By wowohwow - 23/6/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

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By Pissed - 15/10/2012 19:57 - United States - Newton Center

Today, at a family reunion, we all squeezed in for a picture. I set the self-timer and ran to get in it. 2 seconds before the picture went off, some guy came up, stole the camera, and ran away. FML

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By Scarred4Life - 1/1/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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By rachaaaaeul - 6/8/2010 07:07 - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend about yesterday, where he told me how much he loved me, and he wishes we lived closer. I asked him if he really meant it. Turns out he was drunk, and had no idea what he was talking about. FML

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By pissypants - 25/11/2017 19:00

Maybe he's into that...

Today, at the movies on a date, I drank all my soda and waited too long. I couldn't take it anymore and quickly got up, knocking my dates popcorn on the floor, and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t make it and went home in shame. It’s better he thinks I stood him up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2012 21:09 - United States

Today, while at the grocery store, I saw my mother. I thought it would be funny to scare her by sneaking up and grabbing her ass. Not only was it not my mom, I left the place with a ban from ever returning to that store. FML

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By notestojenn - 5/7/2012 02:55 - United States - Manchester

Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML

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By twowords - 8/6/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

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By M - 23/5/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

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By toe - 3/2/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

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By wooowmom - 5/6/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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By DrGas - 4/9/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, while giving a lecture about gases to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusualy loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

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By freckle82 - 12/5/2009 13:09 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 4:30am because I forgot to turn my Blackberry off 'loud'. I woke up to find an email from my ex-boyfriend's crazy mother who had sent me pictures of her son's wedding that had happened over the weekend. I am still single. FML

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By You must be joking - 3/7/2018 20:30

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

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By bobby - 12/6/2010 22:13 - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2013 16:47 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML

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Top comments

By Eaglestrike117 | 29

#280862 - Monday 8 June 2009 1:47

You went to a movie with your friend and her grandma?!?!? WTF

By KandiceCane | 3

#2470753 - Saturday 7 May 2011 4:07

if she was proper enough to use toothpicks why couldn't she dispose of them properly. also wtf does she carry a purse full

COMMENTS

By Raceta | 5

#32703 - Sunday 15 March 2009 13:57

gross!

Reply

dabears1011234 | 27

#6021466 - Monday 28 July 2014 7:53

I cringed when I read this.

By TheKitsune | 0

#268421 - Friday 5 June 2009 3:50

It's called chewing. Figure it out genius.

Reply

Doberman101 | 29

#6064671 - Sunday 14 September 2014 9:23

Well, OP did say a piece of the toothpick meaning that it could have been small enough that he/she would miss it when chewing, but large enough to get lodged in his/her throat.

By Eaglestrike117 | 29

#280862 - Monday 8 June 2009 1:47

You went to a movie with your friend and her grandma?!?!? WTF

Reply

MattM95 | 16

#5965616 - Thursday 5 June 2014 3:29

You've never heard of a cool grandmother?

By DeafChef | 0

#395076 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 11:36

you went to see a movie with your friend and her grandma? o.O

Reply

SwapnnilR | 0

#493397 - Monday 17 August 2009 12:20

o0, Grandma? FYL

By YunqFlyMa21o | 0

#834486 - Monday 8 February 2010 12:41

DAMNN!

By alexxss_fml | 10

#1000094 - Friday 21 May 2010 4:40

why was she using toothpicks? is she that proper?

By kyleinsane | 0

#1042332 - Friday 25 June 2010 5:14

don't put food on the ground

By bb47 | 0

#1132018 - Saturday 24 July 2010 7:06

how did u manage not to see it or feel it in ur mouth

By random1456 | 13

#2378235 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 15:58

okaay so the FML should go like this. ' i went to the movies with my grandma. FML.'

By KandiceCane | 3

#2470753 - Saturday 7 May 2011 4:07

if she was proper enough to use toothpicks why couldn't she dispose of them properly. also wtf does she carry a purse full