Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't... - FML

By oh no - 29/1/2013 14:51 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Hello everyone!

By coffee - 22/8/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2012 04:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

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By Me - 7/3/2012 18:24 - United States

Today, I had to use the restroom while at work. I had the choice of the stall with a broken lock, or the stall with a huge crack in the partition wall. Not two minutes after I sat down, I noticed someone peeking in. FML

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By tedfragle - 28/9/2016 09:52 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

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By UnfortunateGirly - 26/2/2010 08:30 - Australia

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to yell out "Pass us the bong, Emma!" while I was on the phone to my mother. FML

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By Lucky - 21/6/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a cruise line I had travelled on with my parents a year ago. After being told I had won a free $2,000 cruise from a sweepstakes I had entered while on the cruise. After celebrating loudly they informed me that you have to be 23 or older to collect it. I'm 17. FML

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By needurlove - 15/4/2012 06:49 - United States - Sandpoint

Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML

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By SimG - 7/7/2013 12:35 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 20:02 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

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By Gottalovepeople - 31/12/2018 01:34

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2012 10:02 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I decided to delete my Facebook account. My older sister repeatedly called me in tears asking why I'm cutting her out of my life. It seems I can't get rid of social media without my family taking offence. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 18:41 - United States - Portland

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

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By randa - 19/4/2011 06:38

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2016 22:09

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

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By elcee1987 - 6/10/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

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By millzee - 17/1/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 05:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

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By knobbed - 27/1/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

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By LinaLinaYeah - 9/12/2011 16:26 - Canada

Today, my mom gave me my boyfriend's boxers that she'd washed after finding them in my camping bag. The boxers had "Big Banana" written all over them, along with pictures of bananas. FML

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By Well okay then - 9/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By baconrash - 22/2/2010 21:43 - United States

Today, I found out that the acne under my arms was worse then the severe acne on my face. FML

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By Tom - 26/6/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

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By High school senior - 31/8/2017 23:15

Today, I spent the first day of my senior year in the ER because my new ear piercing got so infected that the doctors had to cut the earring out. FML

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By thankssiren - 24/5/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

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By ReallyMom - 9/1/2014 21:48 - United States - Shawano

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

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By TowelSinger - 12/2/2012 08:07

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

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By anonymous - 8/9/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 01:19 - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By fml - 7/3/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2013 06:52 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

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By kittens go meow - 15/2/2012 00:35 - United States

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

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By Username - 31/1/2011 15:47

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

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By whymanwhy - 13/4/2015 10:43 - Czech Republic

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I was lost in a new town, so I asked a woman for directions. For some reason, she seemed to avoid me. About halfway down the block, she quickly turned around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes stinging like hell. Apparently she thought I was a mugger and maced me. FML

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By somebody - 1/6/2015 03:37 - United States

Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML

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By Dan1021 - 4/2/2012 19:31 - France

Today, after telling my girlfriend that I loved her, she dumped me claiming I was getting "too attached". I've already spent almost $400 on her Valentine's Day present. FML

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By bruised - 15/8/2015 15:47 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By Username - 4/8/2011 09:15 - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5345888 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:55

So that's why they called it gross-ery shopping... Aisle admit that that is very childish and shelf-ish of your boyfriend. I guess he just wan't expecting for you to Blow things out of proportion. And by things I mean chunks.

By Natasha14641 | 7

#5345886 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:54

Clean up on aisle three!

Comments

By Natasha14641 | 7

#5345886 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:54

Clean up on aisle three!

Reply

shelbyj | 6

#5345920 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:12

Better out than in!!

Reply

browneyedgirl52 | 13

#5345941 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:22

Well, could have been worse. Could have shit your pants.

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5346456 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 2:36

Unless her colon was impacted to her brains, then no, she could not have shit her pants. Sounds to me whatever made her feel uneasy was still within her stomach. Hence the faster way, and the only way out for the next seven hours.

Reply

phazetryhard | 10

#6276660 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 4:27

But there is no aisle 3 bumm bumm buuuuuum

By linnielovesyou | 6

#5345887 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:54

That's hot

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5345901 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:02

Like totally! I so want a strangers puke all over my food.. Adds extra flavor!

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5346056 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 21:25

2 - If you think THAT'S hot, you should check out Two Girls, One Cup. I'm sure you'll love it.

Reply

zepher93 | 7

#5346372 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 1:24

2- Ummm... No. That's not.

Reply

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5346612 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 5:00

2, your comment sucks. Do better.

Reply

i_h8t_everything | 12

#5864475 - Friday 21 February 2014 7:11

#9 You're disgusting

By Pleonasm | 34

#5345888 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:55

So that's why they called it gross-ery shopping... Aisle admit that that is very childish and shelf-ish of your boyfriend. I guess he just wan't expecting for you to Blow things out of proportion. And by things I mean chunks.

Reply

SasaCeceGogo | 18

#5345910 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:06

You sir, are the king of puns.

Reply

anelard | 6

#5346008 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 20:25

Her boyfriend is so sweet it makes her sick!

Reply

APersonalProblem | 13

#5346115 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 22:24

You are amazing lol

Reply

justme_boo | 2

#5346145 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 22:48

I cried of laughter when I read this lol

Reply

doodoo10 | 10

#5346840 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 9:36

Genius! :D I would love being friends with you!

Reply

Finchonian | 9

#5353341 - Monday 4 February 2013 3:39

Girls generally like being hugged from behind, so I don't blame him. But good puns :)

By perdix | 29

#5345895 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:58

I'll bet he's rough on the melons.

I mean, in the produce section, of course ;)

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5345928 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:16

AA: cherry
A: lemon
B: orange
C: grapefruit
D: cantalope
DD: watermelon

Fruit Salad sounds good about now, doesn't it? (:

Reply

perdix | 29

#5345942 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:22

#13, it certainly would be a pleasure to shop there!

Reply

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5346617 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 5:02

13- but actually if someone's boobs were the size of watermelons, they'd have horrid back pain. I'm just a C/D and it kinda sucks.

Reply

imepelepticsir | 5

#5347026 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 13:21

Not if they're on their knees.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6018432 - Friday 25 July 2014 7:11

I wear a D cup and mine are no where near the size of cantaloupes, LOL.

By Coop817 | 19

#5345896 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:58

Your boyfriend pulls you in for a hug by grabbing your stomach?

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5346057 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 21:27

I think it's obvious he wrapped his arms around her midsection (I'm envisioning a surprise hug from behind), not that he grabbed a fistful of stomach, or something.

By SasaCeceGogo | 18

#5345897 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:00

On the bright side, you didn't poop yourself.

Reply

shorty6823 | 28

#5346037 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 21:05

While upside down on a broken down roller coaster.

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5346458 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 2:38

With your baby in your arms, preparing to have it roasted on a spit.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5347642 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:58

Obviously OPs boyfriend is an attention seeking immature kid. His "antics" and he though he was being "ignored." He sounds annoying really.

By kalepie | 6

#5345898 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:00

Surprise!

By Tempest151 | 11

#5345900 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:01

Sounds like he was just practicing the Heimlich

By firefighter925 | 18

#5345908 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:05

you should've puked on him

Reply

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#5346210 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 23:15

How would that work?

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#5346220 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 23:21

aim ur mouth towards him how else do u throw up on somebody

Reply

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#5346262 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 23:50

Well, considering he was holding her from behind that might be a little difficult, don't you think?

Reply

musicalnoodles23 | 5

#5346501 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 3:11

50, your profile pic... It's amazing.

By TheDrifter | 23

#5345930 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:16

That's cute, my 9 year old has "usual antics" in the grocery store too. Though I still think he might be too young to be dating.

Reply

Imhere4fml | 24

#5345931 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:18

You never know...