Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't... - FML

By oh no - 29/1/2013 14:51 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to the grocery store with my boyfriend. I wasn't feeling well so I wasn't paying too much attention to his usual antics. Since he thought I was ignoring him, he decided to grab me roughly by the stomach to give me a hug. I ended up puking right in the middle of the aisle. FML

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Out of it

The cheek of some people

Race against the clock

By anonymous - 29/7/2012 13:34 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my OCD boyfriend stopped mid-way through sex just to crack all ten of his knuckles after accidentally cracking one. FML

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By ripped - 7/9/2016 14:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

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By Bug - 15/10/2012 21:38 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I fell down the stairs. Lying on my back in extreme pain, I called my mom for help. When she came over, she said I looked like a dead bug, took a picture and posted it on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2012 17:02 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I got my laptop back after waiting weeks for it to be fixed. It turns out that they didn't fix it; they dusted it off, held it for a few days, and sent it back. FML

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By Boss Troubles - 17/3/2015 06:12 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

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By oopsydaisy - 7/3/2017 11:00 - United States - Decatur

Today, I was working at the pharmacy and had a older man come in. He was buying Viagra and, by law, we are required to ask if the patient had any questions. His lovely response was, "When you coming over so I can test this stuff out?" His wife and daughter thought it was hilarious. I could've died. FML

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By Person - 7/6/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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By desertboi69 - 16/3/2019 16:00 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

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By Ackno - 6/5/2017 16:00

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

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By afraidtoburn - 26/2/2012 04:18 - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 21:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By need2eat - 15/6/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

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By Jordan - 8/4/2012 10:37 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

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By Bye Bye Toast - 25/5/2019 18:00

Today, I came home from a funeral to find that my mother had cleaned my house. She thought it would be a good idea to put my toaster in the dishwasher to clean it. My toaster is fried, and she thinks everything's fine. FML

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By thatsmejl - 15/9/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 17:45 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By Delilah - 1/3/2010 08:53 - Norway

Today, I was at the gym with my boyfriend. He is a bit feminine, but it has never really bothered me. Until I realised I was lifting heavier weights than he was. FML

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By negativesoup - 10/11/2016 18:44

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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By ... - 27/11/2008 05:30 - France

Today, I was in India. At the airport, the men and women were being searched separately. The guy welcoming us pointed me towards the women's area. I had to explain to him that I was a guy. It took 15 minutes. FML

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By gudmarjoh - 8/12/2010 23:09 - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By Holy Testacles - 17/10/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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By ScaryBears - 9/10/2012 01:51 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

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By kittydead - 29/1/2009 01:05 - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By torturedears - 5/4/2013 04:20 - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I went to work at a hotel. One of the guests decided to play the piano in the lobby. He's deaf. Unfortunately, I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 16:18 - United States

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

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By Charon - 9/10/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like to homecoming. I brought her to my house beforehand for dinner with my family. My brother asked her whether we were just friends or dating, she shouts "Just friends!" and then starts flirting with him with me in the room. FML

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By KatieElizabeth - 27/10/2013 04:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

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By catlover - 13/12/2012 11:04 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By Melissa - 8/3/2020 14:00

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By hoovered - 4/3/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. FML

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By poopboy - 16/1/2017 10:49

Today, I sat next to this really hot guy in my writing class. We struck up a conversation, and it was going well, until he began describing, in excruciating detail, his IBS and fiber problems, and how he always has to poop. Good to know. FML

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By WhyMe - 27/11/2018 17:30

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

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By golfstar11 - 11/12/2012 02:05 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

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By Shoes - 12/6/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

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By amaze - 25/6/2019 02:30

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5345888 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:55

So that's why they called it gross-ery shopping... Aisle admit that that is very childish and shelf-ish of your boyfriend. I guess he just wan't expecting for you to Blow things out of proportion. And by things I mean chunks.

By Natasha14641 | 7

#5345886 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:54

Clean up on aisle three!

COMMENTS

By Natasha14641 | 7

#5345886 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:54

Clean up on aisle three!

Reply

shelbyj | 6

#5345920 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:12

Better out than in!!

Reply

browneyedgirl52 | 13

#5345941 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:22

Well, could have been worse. Could have shit your pants.

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5346456 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 2:36

Unless her colon was impacted to her brains, then no, she could not have shit her pants. Sounds to me whatever made her feel uneasy was still within her stomach. Hence the faster way, and the only way out for the next seven hours.

Reply

phazetryhard | 10

#6276660 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 4:27

But there is no aisle 3 bumm bumm buuuuuum

By linnielovesyou | 6

#5345887 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:54

That's hot

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5345901 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:02

Like totally! I so want a strangers puke all over my food.. Adds extra flavor!

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5346056 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 21:25

2 - If you think THAT'S hot, you should check out Two Girls, One Cup. I'm sure you'll love it.

Reply

zepher93 | 7

#5346372 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 1:24

2- Ummm... No. That's not.

Reply

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5346612 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 5:00

2, your comment sucks. Do better.

Reply

i_h8t_everything | 12

#5864475 - Friday 21 February 2014 7:11

#9 You're disgusting

By Pleonasm | 34

#5345888 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:55

So that's why they called it gross-ery shopping... Aisle admit that that is very childish and shelf-ish of your boyfriend. I guess he just wan't expecting for you to Blow things out of proportion. And by things I mean chunks.

Reply

SasaCeceGogo | 18

#5345910 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:06

You sir, are the king of puns.

Reply

anelard | 6

#5346008 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 20:25

Her boyfriend is so sweet it makes her sick!

Reply

APersonalProblem | 13

#5346115 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 22:24

You are amazing lol

Reply

justme_boo | 2

#5346145 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 22:48

I cried of laughter when I read this lol

Reply

doodoo10 | 10

#5346840 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 9:36

Genius! :D I would love being friends with you!

Reply

Finchonian | 9

#5353341 - Monday 4 February 2013 3:39

Girls generally like being hugged from behind, so I don't blame him. But good puns :)

By perdix | 29

#5345895 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:58

I'll bet he's rough on the melons.

I mean, in the produce section, of course ;)

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5345928 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:16

AA: cherry
A: lemon
B: orange
C: grapefruit
D: cantalope
DD: watermelon

Fruit Salad sounds good about now, doesn't it? (:

Reply

perdix | 29

#5345942 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:22

#13, it certainly would be a pleasure to shop there!

Reply

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5346617 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 5:02

13- but actually if someone's boobs were the size of watermelons, they'd have horrid back pain. I'm just a C/D and it kinda sucks.

Reply

imepelepticsir | 5

#5347026 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 13:21

Not if they're on their knees.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6018432 - Friday 25 July 2014 7:11

I wear a D cup and mine are no where near the size of cantaloupes, LOL.

By Coop817 | 19

#5345896 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 18:58

Your boyfriend pulls you in for a hug by grabbing your stomach?

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#5346057 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 21:27

I think it's obvious he wrapped his arms around her midsection (I'm envisioning a surprise hug from behind), not that he grabbed a fistful of stomach, or something.

By SasaCeceGogo | 18

#5345897 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:00

On the bright side, you didn't poop yourself.

Reply

shorty6823 | 28

#5346037 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 21:05

While upside down on a broken down roller coaster.

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5346458 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 2:38

With your baby in your arms, preparing to have it roasted on a spit.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5347642 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 21:58

Obviously OPs boyfriend is an attention seeking immature kid. His "antics" and he though he was being "ignored." He sounds annoying really.

By kalepie | 6

#5345898 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:00

Surprise!

By Tempest151 | 11

#5345900 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:01

Sounds like he was just practicing the Heimlich

By firefighter925 | 18

#5345908 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:05

you should've puked on him

Reply

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#5346210 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 23:15

How would that work?

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#5346220 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 23:21

aim ur mouth towards him how else do u throw up on somebody

Reply

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#5346262 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 23:50

Well, considering he was holding her from behind that might be a little difficult, don't you think?

Reply

musicalnoodles23 | 5

#5346501 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 3:11

50, your profile pic... It's amazing.

By TheDrifter | 23

#5345930 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:16

That's cute, my 9 year old has "usual antics" in the grocery store too. Though I still think he might be too young to be dating.

Reply

Imhere4fml | 24

#5345931 - Tuesday 29 January 2013 19:18

You never know...