Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Runner up

Kick the bum out

By Anonymous

Poor me

Today, I finally kissed the guy I really love at a party. He took me outside and immediately vomited. FML

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By stink

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

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By Christine

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

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By MBG - Australia

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Niles

Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML

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By ywouldudomelikethat - United States - Renton

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

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By

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

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By Alexandra - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

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By unproud - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML

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By HomelessGirl1 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

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By anon_1996 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. Turns out it was in fact written by him. FML

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By Cheating - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By marge1010 - United States

Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML

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By jazzyfizzle - United States

Acting 101

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

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By hlev24 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

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By Why - Australia - Sydney

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

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By peacock_mina19 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

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By Nelson - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

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By mike oxsmall - United States

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

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By NotInterested - United States

Today, I was walking home when I made eye contact with some guy, just being friendly. He then started rapping to me while pointing at his dick. FML

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By nocat6 - United States - Northville

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

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By French - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By Danners88 - Australia

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

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By WearingSomethingStringy - United States - Cranston

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

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By JustEwww - Australia

Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

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By Percy

Today, the phrase "To share everything with one's friends" took a pretty unexpected meaning when a friend of mine asked me for a date. When I told him how unlikely it was to happen because of my friendship with his girlfriend, he answered that it was no excuse as she fell in love with me too. FML

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By zawbentley - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response: "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

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By Gaylord - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

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By NaomiMadison - United States

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was at the beach with a group of friends, including the guy I like. As soon as we got to the beach, I ran toward the water and he chased after me. It was a beautiful moment until I looked back at him, tripped, fell on my face and slid down the beach. FML

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By Uneducated

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By gullible - United States

Today, I found out that the April Fool's Day prank my girlfriend and best friend played on me was not a joke, and that they actually did sleep together. FML

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By Phabia - United States - Newton

Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

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By robot lady - 23/9/2020 23:01

The magic of love

Today, I learned just how “old fashioned” my girlfriend is when we talked about marriage. She said it should be approached as a logically as possible and that I make an ideal partner, based on my ability to provide. And while she sees sex as uninteresting, it is a wifely duty she’s willing to do. FML

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By Junkrat

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winsted

Today, after locking my keys in the car and waiting 3 hours for my mom to bring me my spare, I reached into my bag only to find my keys. FML

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Top comments

By razz122 | 5

#5446617 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:34

That is a correct response it shows that you care enough to go

By ry24 | 12

#5446631 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:39

I believe the proper term may be "my condolences for your loss"

COMMENTS

By razz122 | 5

#5446617 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:34

That is a correct response it shows that you care enough to go

Reply

wldd0g | 9

#5446705 - Saturday 13 April 2013 6:31

Only if you successfully retrieved his watch without anyone noticing.
Grave robbing... One of the worlds oldest professions.

Reply

LightningCactus | 12

#5446775 - Saturday 13 April 2013 7:34

You're a sick person.

Reply

LightningCactus | 12

#5446783 - Saturday 13 April 2013 7:45

25*

Reply

wldd0g | 9

#5446849 - Saturday 13 April 2013 9:33

Oh yeah.... I forgot sarcasm never actually translates in text.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5446853 - Saturday 13 April 2013 9:35

Wasn't that funny, either way.

Reply

TheWindowLicker | 13

#5446868 - Saturday 13 April 2013 9:56

Sarcasm translates, you just have to look for it. With that in mind, that most certainly was not sarcasm. It was a poorly planned joke. (My 2 cents)

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5446887 - Saturday 13 April 2013 10:39

Very nice 2 cents.

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5447318 - Saturday 13 April 2013 18:23

My two cents is free

Reply

CTMPandemonium | 16

#5447465 - Saturday 13 April 2013 20:41

If someone said that to me at a family members' funeral, I would not be upset. Funerals tend to make people nervous, and a lot of the time cause them to to say things without thinking, but think its wrong even though 9/10 times, it's usually the appropriate thing to say.

Reply

SomeDeadRabbits | 8

#5449224 - Monday 15 April 2013 6:16

I don't have two cents... But I have 2Chainz!

Reply

jtaylor991 | 6

#5605923 - Wednesday 31 July 2013 0:17

it doesn't even have to mean anything bad it just means glad to be there for support in my eyes, Id see no problem

By imvee5599 | 7

#5446619 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:35

Op,it's okay as long as you apologized. C'mon you were nervous so I hope they understood :)

Reply

alliewillie | 22

#5446837 - Saturday 13 April 2013 9:06

Op didn't need to apologize. "Thank you for supporting our family in our time of need."

"It was my pleasure to do so."

There was nothing wrong with the response at all and I'm sure they thought nothing of it.

By hopelessteej | 8

#5446620 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:35

"well... this is awkward"

Reply

Petrichor_fml | 7

#5446744 - Saturday 13 April 2013 7:11

Thank you for enlightening the FML community with your words of wisdom

By Skarkie321 | 18

#5446625 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:37

Isn't that what you're supposed to say?

By ry24 | 12

#5446631 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:39

I believe the proper term may be "my condolences for your loss"

Reply

Jessj958 | 19

#5446670 - Saturday 13 April 2013 6:10

#14, take me with you! I have said some things that make me cringe when I think about them and I'd definitely like to say something different.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5446697 - Saturday 13 April 2013 6:27

#18: Taking you back 19 minutes can be a warmup for the time machine.

Reply

StiffPvtParts | 43

#5446816 - Saturday 13 April 2013 8:36

Can i come too?

By SuperPizzaMan_fml | 11

#5446633 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:39

It's a normal response unless you're a pornstar/hooker lol

By Dark__Angel66 | 24

#5446635 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:40

That's the appropriate thing to say. Although you could always say, "sorry for your loss" too. And personally to your friend, offer to be there for them of course.

By wildperson | 8

#5446636 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:40

Don't worry about it. You meant well, and I'm sure they understood.

By PokemonLove993 | 17

#5446637 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:40

I'm sure of you just explain you were nervous and that your sorry they will forgive you. your probably not the first person to say that.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5446925 - Saturday 13 April 2013 11:45

Plus, I'm sure a lot of people just automatically say "my pleasure" in response to "thank you."

By eyesmile27 | 7

#5446643 - Saturday 13 April 2013 5:42

Just talk to the family and tell them you were nervous, and that you are wholeheartedly giving your condolences for the death of their loved one.